Does this make me a bad person?

[lilyanony1]

All the men I've ever felt something for and possibly loved have let me down and or not felt the same.
I've met someone that's madly in love with me, but I just like him.

I'm loyal and caring and kind. So I know myself to always treat him well.
But I fear my heart won't let it go beyond that.

Is love really essential in a long term relationship?

[BasedBaeBecca]

It doesn't make you a bad person to not love someone that loves you - you can't control how you feel. If you're treating him well and you care about him, then you're doing the best you can. As far as whether love is essential for a long-term relationship, I think that depends on the individuals and their situation. Some people don't put as much emphasis on love but still have a strong connection and a happy relationship, while for others, love is a non-negotiable. It's really a matter of personal preference and priorities.

[DextroShade]

Looks like you have a choice in front of you, you can either:

• Get with the guy who loves you and will treat you well even though he isn't as exciting as the guys who fucked and chucked you in the past. Maybe you will learn to love him as he loves you.
• Reject that guy and keep going back to Chad and Tyrone who only see you as recreational use until you get too old for them to even be interested in that, at which point the nice guy will probably be long gone and you will end up dying alone.

If I were a betting man I would bet on you choosing the latter.

[lightbulb27]

love is commitment, this be your assigned person... chosen by you... to love. keeping that going is your responsibility.

the problem with attraction is it's sub conscious... and that can be screwed up. so you have to go back and figure out why you are drawn to the others, why not drawn to this other, and sort out what makes more sense. It's hard work.

[DizzyDesii]

Love is essential but it takes time to grow for some. You dont have to be on the same page yet but dont say it back until you mean it. If he eventually needs to hear it and you still can't bring yourself to say it then maybe let him go if you feel he deserves more than you can give

[lilyanony1]

I think you offered something really helpful there. Thank you

[Surely]

I can feel for you. I thought that I was in love and few times and got kicked to the curb. So the wall went up and now I don’t allow myself to get that feeling again account of being disappointed. Even though I don’t cheat on them during a relationship.
Maybe being raised on a farm where you couldn’t get attached to animals account of them going to slaughter. Doesn’t help my situation. Non farm people and animal lovers don’t understand this. I wish you good luck on finding your soul mate!

[menina]

I've always thought it was. But I know that not everyone is in a relationship because they love their partner. Sometimes there might be other reasons.

But no, I don't think that makes you a bad person. You're not forced to love him and you don't if you're ever going to love him.

Be honest with him. He might be thinking that you feel the same way about him.

[menina]

* you don't know if you're ever going to love him

[TonyV]

Love isn't essential per say, you guys could basically be the world's closest roommates for all we care, but what IS essential is for you to both be on the same page.
Don't let him be madly in love with you, thinking he's living the dream while you secretly just prefer this to being alone.

You got to let him know you aren't as interested as he is.

[JacobJordan]

love is definitely essential especially for a happy relationship. no you aren't a bad person. you are a hurt person who is living under the adage "once bitten twice shy" if you like the guy and want a relationship with him then you do need to realize that at some point you and your heart will need to make a choice. that choice is to leap or not to leap. until then just work on enjoying your time and let things move naturally. your heart will figure out what it wants to do

[Anemone978]

It doesn't make you a bad person but be honest.. since there is nothing worse than someone saying they love you when they truly don't..

[AmeerX]

Honestly, I can just say that Americans are the only ones who throw down, "I love you" faster than people wash hands. It is so hollow and weird

[Anemone978]

@AmeerX Yes.. that is true and guys love to say it in hopes you will let them in your pants with those magic words LOL

[AmeerX]

It's just people. Guys and girls both.

[AmeerX]

I remember my Turkish friend stopped talking to me after she thought that Pakistani guys are out to get into her pants. I backed off and then she said her Pakistani girl friend told her that men here do that.
It was pathetic. In the end an Indian guy living in Turkey and now working in US lead her on and now she is 28. It's just sad.
I am just unhappy at the way things really are. Another girl I liked and I was willing to travel for her and her mother said to not talk to me as a Muslim black man in the past tried to scam her. I just see no end to this and I feel hopeless. First people say they want someone serious then they just back out like it's the others fault

[AmeerX]

I can bet 500$ this OP will leave at first sign of trouble 🤣. These people are pathetic losers who just don't like someone who does not like drama and just says he likes them. Plays with their heart and then hope into and out of relationships like it's a play thing

[Anemone978]

@AmeerX She probably will leave because I don't think she is into him.. but if she isn't she should be clear, concise and move on so not to lead they guy on for nothing..

[AmeerX]

True. She is just wasting his time and her time. She is 32 and soon when no one will want to have anything to do with her she will just say really toxic things about men and the cycle will repeat

[AmeerX]

@anemone978 you are good. Glad you are blessed and married to someone. And here I am just not getting what I want. It's really hard to be patient and then on the other extreme we have people especially women who change men every few months.

[lilyanony1]

I was honest with him. I caught myself telling him that I loved him and I had to reassess the situation and I told him straight. I care for you, I like you but right now I'm not in love. I may not be able to fall in love with you either because we don't spend enough 1 on 1 time. He's tried to skip the honeymoon crazy can't keep your hands off each other stage to try and get into the been dating 1/2 years we have a routine thing. So he's depriving me of that opportunity to fall in love. He has apologised and said he will be more spontaneous and spend more dedicated time with me...

[Anemone978]

Yeah so dump him it will not work if you are not feeling that love feeling or at least extreme like it will never happen.. trust me.. You are just wasting your time he isn't the guy you want lol

[AmeerX]

@lilyanony1 I am not judging you in particular but what you just said that he doesn't spend time with you etc etc. This ain't going to cut it for you. You know why? As a wife, imagine your man is in trouble, would you run away at first sign of trouble or be part of a sinking ship?
At least I think you are confusing love with your lust and romantic needs. Love is when even after months of absence you stay loyal to each other despite knowing you can't be with each other.
At this rate you will just suffocating him

[lilyanony1]

I like him I just don't feel love yet

[AmeerX]

@anemone978 hate to say this but I disagree. Love can grow with time but seeming it's 6 months she is past her honeymoon phase with this guy. She will just hop to another one

[lilyanony1]

@AmeerX I'm not sure what you're trying to imply but this is a different relationship for me. I used to spending all weekend with a guy. Eventually it moves up to the point where we spending 4 days a week together. He has only been able to dedicate one evening a week with me. I don't see how I'm not being loyal or I'm running at trouble I'm just trying to be honest and realistic about my feelings... For him he's already there, other guys here have already said guys fall quicker than women. As you identified I'm 32. I need to be sure he's the man for me, and compatible beyond my sexual needs. Because I'm at my sexual peak but it won't last forever. We've already discussed kids etc so we are on the same page for planning... Now it's to just live it.

[AmeerX]

@lilyanony1, alright my advice is not same as @anemone978.
Glad you realized you want kids and meaning marriage. It's 6 months, so tell him to engage you and plan wedding. 3 months into a relationship I would be engaging the woman I love. And 6-1 year in I would have set off marriage dates even if it's not a big ceremony.

What this guy is doing is wasting your time. And your feelings that if he is the right one or not is stupid after thought. This will be your undoing because it's cognitive dissonance much like when we buy something and later regret the price or quality when people say, "ohh she could do better hahahaha".
No that's the wrong process of thoughts.

[tfan1]

You’re scared to let your guard down after your past relationships. That’s a natural reaction I would say. But like Kevin said on home alone 2 lost in New York, “Your heart may be broken but it isn’t gone. You should take a chance, you’ve got nothing to lose.”

[Shy_Steve]

A Relationship where the Man loves the Girl more than the Girl loves him can become toxic after a while, But really every Relationship can become Toxic.

There are some Relationships where they have not really liked them at first, But have learned to love them.

So he sounds like a good Guy so don't deny yourself the possibility of your relationship growing.

[RavVid]

Girls are slower in feeling love than guys so it isn't that odd he is madly in love and you are still to feel it.

Do you respect him?

I think you should allow some time for your feelings t grow.

[Anonymous]

Nah I kind of get that sentiment. Every woman I've cared for has let me down. So while I may like her a lot there's always a mental block that will not let me go past a certain point until she does. And since most women expect men to always give more than them we're at an impasse. But the good news is at this point I don't expect to ever find love so I've kind of made my peace with it.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

In life if you never try you will never know & in your case if you don’t try you might risk losing him. Look towards the sunshine & let the shadows cast behind you.

[Anonymous]

I believe that it is important. And no your not a bad person I don't think. I think you've just been hurt to many times and perhaps that's why you can't bring yourself to love him. Dear of being hurt again.

[lilyanony1]

I think you hit the nail on the head. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, until he gets bored. Sad to say really. But I don't believe he will stay.

[Opinion Owner]

I really hope your wrong, you deserve to meet that person that's so special and you love just as much as they love you.

[lilyanony1]

Thank you. That's a really kind thing to say. I appreciate you. 😊

[Opinion Owner]

You are more then welcome. I just hope that finding that special person for you is both soon and with as little pain as possible.

[lilyanony1]

We went bowling the other day and I noticed when I was winning he paid no attention to my turn and looked at his phone. When I became unnerved and losing, he started filming happy because he was finally winning. I decided to look this up and found this. "It is an equally bonding experience to celebrate successes and have our partner's vote of confidence when things go well. We want to know our partner is not competitive with us or envious of our good fortune. We want them to be proud of our achievements, and celebrate with us to magnify the joy. Envy, the opposite of this shared joy, is a trait that can either be cultivated or starved. When we are aware of the negative effect that envy has on our relationship, we can use this awareness to become a bigger person, rather than to attempt to make our partner be less."

[Opinion Owner]

That's definitely not very fair and it does suggest he's competitive and feels more confident/comfortable winning. Which isn't very good behaviour at all tbh.

[lilyanony1]

I will try to discuss things with him and see how we can work through things.

[Miristheiss]

The "tingles"? Not really.

Shared values. Shared life goals. Aligning on the big stuff.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I think many guys have let you down, so this is why things happen the way they do. This does not make you a bad person.

[Tim2nice]

No. One can’t help their feelings or lack of

[RedInnocent68]

Not at all. You just haven’t clicked yet. Some do multiple times, some never. Keep it up! Be ruthless!

[Massageman]

It is what you view it to be. I don't think it makes you "bad", per se.

[glennos89]

Love is the only thing that you can't go without in a relationship

[Tharithi]

I think u are not betraying the other person , but yourselves. Pretending to love sOmeone u don’t is harder than hiding one sided love

[OddBeMe]

Well bad at picking mates.

Which is all psychology. I would imagine you’re trying to replicate your father subconsciously.

[NathanDavis]

You are not a bad person.