Should I go on dates with women I feel only borderline attracted to?

[Anonymous]

I know women go on dates with guys they only feel so so about physical appearance wise all the time.

In a best case scenario she is giving him a chance to get to know him. If she likes his personality her attraction for him will grow. However in a worst case scenario she is just using him for attention, favors and free meal (s). It’s one thing if you want to give someone a chance and/or socialize. Quite another if you are taking advantage of them for one way benefits. It’s been done to me before and it really infuriated me. As a man I’m supposed to be on the “look out” for women like this and if they get away with it it’s “on me”.

Anyway I have been chatting up a girl on OKC. She’s okay looking from what I’ve seen. Maybe she looks better in person. But from just chatting with her I don’t feel all that excited (yet) tbh

I admit I’ve gone on dates with women I didn’t feel attracted to just for the hell of it and to work on socializing more in the past. However I always paid for the date and arranged it. There is a key difference there. Yes you shouldn’t get someone’s hopes up but I never mooched off a woman he liked me just for free meals and attention. Most men can’t get away with that in our “equal” society.

Anyway I’m trying to mature in the last few years and look deeper at women. But I’ve tried to force myself to date women I wasn’t gung ho about physically in the past by telling myself to look at what really matters. But it always ended badly. Very badly.

Updates

9 mo

Just for the record this girl isn’t necessarily unattractive. To be brutality honest she’s about 6. But my days of “smashing” are behind me. Also I tried once to force myself to be attractive to an otherwise decent girl. That ended in complete disaster and I’ll never do that again.

Updates

9 mo

Also I know I’m not entitled to a supermodel or anything. I’m entitled to my equivalent and no more. But still I haven’t been on a legit date in a long while. Had a discreet hook up with a much younger woman a few months ago. But not a real on date.

[Levin]

I think you're forgetting the function of attraction. It's telling you who want to be with. And yet it seems as if almost you're ashamed for who you're attracted to, or that you feel you have to settle for lower.. I mean, of course we all have raw attraction to that young hottie, I don't mean that. Some realism is necessary. I just mean, whoever you choose, she should invoke some form of excitement, some feeling of warmth and connection, somewhere. I mean, if it's just some faint throwaway flutter, I mean, what's the fucking point? Where's your self respect? And why waste her time?

[Asker]

I’ve haven’t gone on a date in a long while. Just looking to get my experience again.

[Rei13]

You seem to put a lot of importance on how she looks physically, not saying that is a bad thing so long as you’re not wasting someone else’s time. My boyfriend isn’t really my type physically but who he is as a person is what I’ve always wanted in a relationship and attraction has built over time. On the flip side my sister’s cousin is objectively/conventionally attractive and could easily get at least a 9, but the girl he married is a 5. He wasn’t sure of her at first due to how she looked but she had all the other qualities he wanted and there was still attraction there. If anything since they’ve gotten together she has glowed up with happy both of them are. So moral of those stories is that so long as you feel attraction then personality and values can go a long way.

[Alli39]

I mean if you're not even enjoying talking to her then there's probably not much point. If you are enjoying talking to her and just aren't as into her appearance then I say go for it.

But everyone has bad dates. For guys that might mean a girl just mooching because she can or being super self-centered/immature and for a woman that might look like anything from an annoying finance bro mansplaining the night away to sexual assault. The frustration is real, but it's certainly not unique. Just keep in mind what you're actually looking for in a partner and I believe you'll find them eventually.

[Asker]

And you don’t think women don’t behave badly on dates? I’ve had some horrible past experiences with horrible ass women. Not only was on the line to pay for the date but I had to endure shitty behavior as well. If you want details I can provide it. But bringing it up is an unpleasant memory.

Also about “sexual assault”. Not saying that doesn’t happen because it surely does. But most first dates are in a public place. The chances of that happening to a women are next to impossible if you meet up in public. A public meet up heavily favors the woman. The guy has to plan it and pay for it. Personality mismatches can go wrong either way.

[Alli39]

I mean I think there are people of both genders that behave badly on dates. It's not just men and it's not just women. My point was more to try not to become jaded just because there are some sucky people out there.

And I know you're from a different generation and therefore culture than me, but it's my personal opinion that a guy doesn't actually have to pay for dates. I think splitting the bill is actually ideal because it prevents anyone feeling feeling like they owe/are owed anything from the experience. But that may not be what you believe or what the women you pursue expect and if so I really can't help much.

[Asker]

Things started changing in my generation. My parents were definitely old school “the man pays for everything”. Pounded into my head at a young age. But there women out there who really LOOK to take advantage of that.

My belief is simple:

1) Whoever asks for a date pays for it.

2) The first date can be something simple and inexpensive (I never buy expensive dinners on the 1st date)

3) respect the person you treated you out. That absolutely doesn’t mean you should sleep with them. Doesn’t mean you have to like them either. But respect their efforts and the money they spent. Don’t do something asinine like ghosting them afterwards. If you are not interested politely tell them after the date and thank them for their time/money/effort. It’s a principle issue people seem to forget nowadays.

Instead it’s more “dog eats dog” and/or “we’ll f*ck just to get my needs meet and if you are attractive for it”. Respect is much less common.

[Alli39]

I can get behind pretty much all of that. Anyway, I hope you have better luck dating in the future. I'm sorry to hear you've run into so many people who aren't meeting your hopes and expectations.

[Asker]

Thanks @alli39 :)

[EricSummer]

Do not put too much emphasis on the money spent for a date. Here in Switzerland it takes about an hour to earn the money for a meal in a restaurant. A woman may spent that much more time to get ready for a date. If then she has to spend hours at a date with a guy she finds awful that's even worse and must be valued at a higher rate. This is not an efficient way of earning meals.

[Avicenna]

Sure. Maybe you will find them more interesting than expected.

[RavVid]

There is the school of thought that you should only date women you want to fuck. However if you listed qualities you wanted in a girl but could only get that in a 5 or a 4 would you give her the boot? I think that is what you are saying re look at what really matters.

You can become attracted to a girl you weren't so attracted to initially. But the desire to fuck them is pretty important in the whole mating game and is simply the whole basis of guys and girls bonding.

[another_curious_girl]

Honestly No. If you are only partly attracted to someone then their is likely a reason. Make a mental note of things that could be red flags or turnoffs. never date someone just to be nice or because you feel bad for them. don't force yourself to do anything your not comfortable with just cause society says so.

[Asker]

Little different when you are 18 when it comes to this.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

I've dated a few women who got my heart racing because of how hot they were, and none of those went anywhere.
The only one that lasted was with one I wasn't super crazy about in the beginning.
In hind sight, she was the most beautiful of them all.
I can't tell you what you should do, but that's been my experience

[ShesRad80]

you never know what you maybe missing out on, so of course you should

[4ngelic]

dont go on dates with people you dont find hot, try to get someone a bit hotter

unless you're not that hot yourself

[Asker]

I’m realistic. But I’m 6ft, got a full head of hair, very athletic body for my age and I make 6 digits and own my place. I’m not a celebrity 9-10. But I know I’m at least a 7 or 8. I usually get compliments and guessed for younger looking than I really am.

But I’m so busy with work and activities I have little time to socialize. My social skills in dating are very rusty tbh. Mostly because it isn’t a priority in my life. Plus I don’t encounter many available women at all through my work and activities.

[haiuyu]

You can try to get to know her better first. You might fall for her personality. And you should be comfortable around her. But if there's really no spark, then don't force it.

[Jazzy54]

No. You’re only wasting her time and yours. A date shouldn’t have to be forced. Go out with women you’re 100% attracted to.

[Asker]

It’s funny when women say that falsely believing that the initial stages of dating for men are just like it is for them. It’s not. Hell no.

I work two jobs, am a landlord and exercise and do martial arts daily. Overall it’s productive. But it’s not like I run into hordes of available women everyday. College days are long gone. I can’t make it a part time job just to “socialize” all the time either.

But my social skills have definitely gotten rusty. But I won’t take advantage of this women unless you think getting “her hopes up” after one date and talking will do. She will get paid for expenses on the date anyway.

[Jazzy54]

Since you have such a busy life, have you considered online dating?

[Asker]

That’s what I’m doing. But odds wise men are at a major disadvantage with online dating. Not only are the numbers against us but it’s the selection isn’t that great to begin with. Decent women usually have their guards up and are even more picky.

But I have had some success in the past. 2 of my last 3 LT gfs I met online.

[Anonymous]

What would be the point to go out with someone you’re not interested in and know drom experience will likely end badly?

[Asker]

I wouldn’t say I’m “not interested” but rather so so.

[Nikki1989]

If you base everything about the physical, you will never be truly happy, at least not in the long term.

[AngryCarl2]

I'm going to say yes. I've been on dates just for the crack. It never ends well but every now and then say "What the fuck."

[shades777]

thats your choice man, you find it hard to gwt excited in the bedroom its because she isn't hot enough then you'd know you fucked up

[Blueeyes81]

It's never worked for me. I've done it a few times and the attraction never grew.

[Shiningtempest]

Going on dates with women you feel only borderline attracted to is a recipe for heartache for both parties.

[Anonymous]

Sooo girls you're interested in are not actually interested in you?

[Asker]

Rather there aren’t many options. And I’m not stupid about how to act around women I like. I’ll talk to them and ask them out directly. But the last time I met a woman I liked (in person) was two years ago. She thanked but said she had a boyfriend. I wasn’t surprised because she was very attractive. But the way she smiled at me said she didn’t mind me asking her out even thought she couldn’t do it.

[Opinion Owner]

Or maybe you're reading too much into it 🤣 and she lied about having a boyfriend. Girls do that all the time.

[Asker]

Yeah I know and a part of me figured that. We had 4-5 decent conversations in a CF gym before I asked. I only asked her if she like to get breakfast (she was local). About as non threatening as you can get.

However yes I am well aware that women lie about that all the time. Good chance she did but maybe not. She said it confidently and it’s not like she took a moment to think up some bs. She said it with even tone.

Women usually give a perplexed awkward look and I can see it in their eyes when they’re lying. Also hear it in their voice. But she didn’t give any of those signs of fibbing.

Anyway that was a while ago and I knew she was a long shot. Also I thought she was possibly in her late 20s when I first met her but I later found out she was 23. I’ve been in age gap relationships before but that was a big spread. Hot or not there would have been unique challenges.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe they gave you an awkward look cos they're not attracted to you? How old are u by the way?

[Asker]

She didn’t give me an awkward look. She smiled. I’ve gotten awkward looks from women before but not her.

I was 39 when I asked her. But I was very careful about how I went about it. It’s a small gym with organized classes and the very last thing I wanted was to be the “old creep” in a situation like that. Plus I got a full head of hair and am in excellent shape for a man my age. Also I thought she might be in her late 20s upon first meeting her. If I knew she was 23 I probably wouldn’t have asked.

[Opinion Owner]

How old are u now?

[Asker]

Does it matter? Do the math it was 2 years ago. Anyway nice chatting.

[Opinion Owner]

You never said it was 2 years ago. So you're a 41 year old man and can't find a woman. Ok well you're already old sooo u should just be grateful if a woman gives u attention.

[Asker]

Yeah I was expecting you to throw a jab/insult at me at some point for your own jollies. Expecting you to troll.

Sure you can get away with it because you are young. But what you have is fleeting and what goes around will come around. So enjoy it while it last because people like you are usually extremely miserable down the road if you aren’t already. Happy people don’t need to insult/troll people online. Especially when the other person said absolutely nothing to hurt you.

So best of luck.

[TheSpaceGnome]

No, thats a waste of time.

[gothbxtch]

if you don’t want to date her then no

[DarkLegacy]

Of course you should. After all women do

[peterrezeeek]

nah u should talk to her more

[normandi]

If you have nothing else... why not