Is it bad to want to know why someone ghosted? Do you ask?

[Anonymous]

Got ghosted and having issues getting behind it

[AmandaYVR]

Yes, it's okay to ask. But it's a delicate situation with endless possible reasons, so be tactful and gentle about what, exactly, you say/ask.

Is this a guy you were/are interested in? Or some other situation/dynamic?

Here's some possible things you could say:

• "Hey, how are you? Just checking in to see how you've been. I've been thinking about you. Hope you're well. Ping me sometime."
• "Hey. I was just wondering... did I do or say something to upset you? If I did, I'd like the chance to know so I don't do it again, and I want to make it up to you. I miss you."
• "Hi, how are you? I saw this [meme, picture, video, song, article, event] and it made me think of you. You might want to check it out."
• "It's been a while. I miss you."

The main thing is to ask, don't presume or assume. Show your interest, and then give them the opportunity to meet you halfway.

Or, if you have an idea of what might have turned the person off, you can mention that, and apologize, and then ask, "Do you think we can get past it?"

And do not automatically personalize everything that you experience in life. Personalization is a big issue, and some people default to it too often, to their own detriment (you can read about it if you google 'psychology personalization'). Remember that this person's life doesn't revolve around you, it's not your life, and everyone has things going on which have nothing to do with you, and that is often the reason for why people go in and out of contact. It's life, not you. But as you gave little info, these are just some beginning things to consider. It could be any, or none of these.

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not bad to be curious what went wrong and where, especially when you were under the impression that things were going well. But do you go to the person and ask? I would say don’t do it. One of the biggest things I’ve learned from dating (those first few months before a title is established) is that more often than not, it won’t work between you two. He’s looking for the right match, and you just weren’t it. I don’t think it should be his job to lick your wounds, build up your self esteem or give you closure. Instead you need to combat feeling so defeated when the talking phase isn’t successful. Maybe work on not getting attached so fast or doing things that would contribute to the attachment, like sex, terms of endearment, trusting to soon, whatever actions will cause you to invest too quickly. A lot of folks (including myself) abide by the 3 month rule, it’s the best way to protect yourself while dating and I would recommend it to anyone in your position.

[glennos89]

No ofcourse you wanne know what happened.

I ghosted a few girls to in the past before I realised that it isn't something I should do because it can make them feel insecure about themselves or giving them the idea that they did something wrong.. which they didn't.

I did it mainly because of my own insecurities or because something turned me off and instead of being honest about it mainly because I didn't wanne hurt their feelings by telling them what turned me off.

But I learned that ghosting someone does hurt their feelings aswell so I don't ghost anyone anymore and I will tell them honestly when something turned me off wether it hurts their feelings or not. Ofcourse I try to say it in a respectfull gentle way.

But I believe being honest is the right thing to do

[ManOnFire]

Never wrong to want to know why, but I would say be prepared not to get an answer if you try asking them. You might just get left on Read or be blocked. Or get excuses if you ask in real life.

You can always wonder why, but I think the answer is already in their actions. The fact that anybody just ghosts you says a lot about them, which should help you realize they're not a good candidate for a relationship.

[coachTanthony]

You are wanting to know what you did wrong when in the end you probably just aren't their cup of tea and they don't have the maturity or courage to properly tell you. So in the end would you even want someone in your life who has such a fearful and unkind communication style?

[OlderAndWiser]

Excellent observation, Coach!

[coachTanthony]

@OlderAndWiser Hey thanks

[kylee2437]

Honestly when someone ghosts, it’s not worth looking into at all because most of the time it’s them lack communication skills and taking the easy way out instead of telling you what they are actually feeling. It almost really has nothing to do with the person they ghosted (you) it more so how to do with their emotional maturity while dating

[Xoxocutekitty]

It's normal to want to know why (because we assume it's something solveable for our next dating experience).

In most cases this is hardly true. Unless it's as simple as "you smell, use deodorant next time" one person's reason for finding you "not enough" or "too much" is going to very arbitrary and not actionable.

People ghost because they are no longer interested or they found something else (and it doesn't even have to be better). They also lack the good conscience to completely close the door on "an option" so they ghost hoping to give themselves the flexibility of popping back wheneber with "no hard feelings."

[RoseySarah]

It's very normal and most guys want to know when online... When they are just so boring 🪴.

Also depends on who chest you? A friend or date?

So go ahead ask why you got ghosted the answer is usually nothing special sadly.

Has more to do with them then it does with your personality.

[red324]

If they just disappear, I doubt you'll get the truth even if they do answer. I had a girl one time tell me she just wanted to be friends and never got another explanation after that. It seems like a lot of them, especially the younger girls just block you as soon as they send that last text.

[ProbablyClueless]

It's natural to wonder and ask, but you have to also be ready for the possibility that the ghoster won't answer your question. A lot of ghosters do it because they are distinctly uncomfortable with confrontation or expressing their feelings.

[Paris13]

I am To Smart to Not Figure Anything Out... Especially for Someone I Care About Who Was Recently Ghosted by Someone... xxoo

[andreasderjuengere]

Not interested to know.

If I'm given the opportunity - I'll just return and haunt a little?

[SquishyBuns2628]

No not at all, you want closure and you deserve that at least...

[bolverk]

No, its not bad to want to know why someone ghosted you, but I'm sure that if you look back over the relationship, you'll figure out what the trigger was that caused that person to ghost you,

[Carina0]

I know you really want to know but trust me it's not worth it. The other person will not feel bad or feel the need to explain. It's much better if they think you don't care

[Anonymous]

It's not bad, just pointless. I always like when a woman asks "can I ask why you...". Because I always respond, "of course, you can always ask". Doesn't mean I'll answer. But she can always ask. 😆

[hello195647]

Depends. If it's a friend then I would definitely ask because there will be a specific reason. If it's romantic, they probably just don't feel you're quite the one they are looking for and digging into it is pretty pointless

[Nikki1989]

Yes. I don't know what is so hard about just moving on.

[Blueeyes81]

Why would you expect a ghoster to answer? They'll keep on ghosting you.

[Sasha0426]

It’s not bad to ask but don’t expect any direct answers. Or answers at all.

[jahaims]

The reason why anyone ghosts is because they are too immature to handle the situation properly.

[JesseP1nk]

Ask? No! Just move on. That is their abusive behaviour

[Slim57]

No, most of us want closure, but there's nothing you can do to find out why if the person who did it isn't willing to tell you

[Anonymous]

Nah i think positively that i make her speechless...