Does anyone else find the thought of sex/physical intimacy overwhelming?

[Anonymous]

So I'm a virgin 20F and I had a date the other night where it was obvious the guy wanted more even though I mentioned over text that I want to take it slow and that nothing would happen. We kissed at the end of the date and even that I found super overwhelming let alone anything else. He then wanted to come in which I said no to. I just can't help feeling frustrated with myself for always knocking guys back. Part of me wants to be intimate with someone but I don't have much of a sex drive and each time I even think of sex I feel like I'm going to panic. It just seems so insanely vulnerable to me to be naked in front of someone you don't know that well letting them see you like that. Obviously I would prefer to be intimate with a long-term boyfriend but I've not had one and I never seem to connect with a guy enough for there to be relationship potential so I feel kind of stuck with this pressure of casual dating. How come hooking up comes so easily for some people? Any way I can reduce my anxiety?

[Finchie40]

Since you are a virgin and the thought of sex is overwhelming to you , you are best to be the pursuer, meaning you should pursue someone that you are attracted to , instead of waiting
For someone else To pursue you , Most guy’s in general want sex with a girl that he finds attractive and that he is interested in , a guy isn’t going to take a girl on a date that he isn’t interested in , or attracted to, it already crossed his mind to have her naked in his arms , so you are best to decline the guy’s that are coming on to you , and pursue the Guy’s or guy that you are interested in , instead , , it’s ok for a girl to make the first move , it’s ok for a girl to ask a guy out , Most girls’ know what they want when she c’s a guy that she is very attracted to , so you are best to make the first move to a guy that you are attracted to , if he accepts , You won’t be as nervous and overwhelmed knowing you are dating someone that you choose to be with. Most guy’s love when a girl, pursues him first especially if he finds her attractive , it makes him feel more at ease and it will make him feel more like himself instead of trying to impress a girl that he is unsure on whether she likes him the same or not. So my advice to you is to go after a guy you find attractive first

[Lynx122]

Yes I definitely feel that way. I had many opportunities for sex that I either consciously didn't want to take or I was not in the mindset so the girl just gave up. I already had trouble with normal social interactions in the past so dating and sex was even more complicated and unknown and scary for me. There were so many unwritten rules and things that are expected and stuff but I didn't have anybody to ask about it. So I needed a woman that understands me and that I can trust to have sex with but that was extremely difficult. I've found her now but it took me a long time.

I don't know why it's so easy for some people either. It might have something to do with the amount of stimulation the brain needs. Like I'm autistic my brain needs less stimulation to feel a lot of things but some people might be the opposite. They can't feel alive unless they do extreme things. That's my guess.

I don't know about reducing your anxiety. Try dating some more without sex until you find someone that you feel more comfortable with and then see what happens.

[di6n9]

My take on this is you shouldn't submit to if you're not comfortable. I know you might live in a culture wher it's normal and sometimes "expected" to have interourse with a guy you barely know, even after 3 or 4 dates. And to be honest with you, most guys you'll meet through dating 80% of the time don't want anything serious. They're just waiting for that 3-4 date mark (if not earlier) so they can get laid, then ghost. This really doesn't benefit except drain us women emotionally and physically who care about long term, meaningful relationships... . In your position I'd try to appear more stern about the no intimacy rule, if they still try something move away, communicate and block the guy next day. Thats why it'd be a gokd tip to NOT sit withbq guy alone, always try to find a public setting like a restaurant where him trying something will get him full blown embarrassment (if you express your discomfort). In my opinion, This shows that you have self respect, but I wouldn't be surprised if some people disagree with me, lol. Long story short you just keep trying until you find a guy who shares your value of building something serious, WITHOUT giving in to those tricks of getting you in bed.

[Paulalove98]

Take time to get to know your body, do your research on things you’re curious about, be patient with yourself as well. Also you’re not behind at all. I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 22 and I didn’t even have sex again for a whole year, then at 24 this year I met my partner and I’m barley having regular sex and learning our body rhythm and language. Sex isn’t meant to be perfect or a game, that mindset will help you relax and with time and the right partner, it won’t be so bad.

[DannyUk2017]

All the "pressure" happens inside you'r brain, which "activates" the "defence" mechanism, like pushing aside or saying NO. Is normal, the only think is that YOU ARE SIMPLY NOT READY, a woman needs to be taken with patience, and taught some of the things, and also made comfortable, in order to "bypass" the "pudic" moment...
I had a Virgin girl long time ago, and she done the whole thing, so when i asked her how come she didn't hold back many things, she told me that she was TOO HORNY to take it anymore. So... just be Patient, you'r body will let you know when the time is right. But before getting in "to it" just slowly start working your body and see what makes your heart pumping, blood running, breathing pacing faster, these will "show your mind" what What the Body Likes. Then when you ready you can "apply" all them things or just simply "guide" the guy/man in to what makes you "tremble"...🤷‍♂️

[Anonymous]

Don't even date that guy. Don't date or ever go home with any man who makes you feel pressured for sex.

Even if he is playing it cool as if he isn't. I know that you can tell whether he is dying to fuck you and if you let him he is not going to care if you have a good time or not.

After many years I realized why every girl I ever dated fucked me on the first date.

Because they knew I would never push them or force them or cause them to have a bad or scary experience because I was eager to get my dick wet.

Sometimes the girls would test me. Withdraw sex the last second or say "oh no condoms we can't fuck" even though she was the one pushing for the sex.

And every time I was OK wirh it. I said "thats OK we can just cuddle."

And then 15 minutes later we are having sex because she wanted it and she only wanted to know that I wasn't a nutcase or a weirdo or just a man who only gives a shit about getting his dick wet.

Find a guy like me if you can. I would never pressure a woman for sex. I would never make my interest in you conditioned based on whether you fuck me ASAP or not and if you dont I'm going to be moody or pissed or sad or upset in any way.

You don't deserve to have to experience shit like that but most guys seem to be that way.

Good luck girly. You'll be ready when you found an actual good kind decent man.

Trust and believe, a kind decent man can rock your world in the bedroom. But he isn't there to force you to fuck him.

In reality, he sees himself as a giver of pleasure and warm fuzzies. He wants to fuck you not to get his own dick wet, but because he wants to give you a good time and make you feel good.

That's what every woman deserves and I doubt many get to have that.

[RavVid]

The real problem is that at 20 you haven't found a boyfriend. Hooking up is not going to address that - in fact it is the exact opposite. Most guys will see it as having reduced your value if you start hooking up. It is not the way to get a boyfriend.

I think you should not let society pressure you into something that does not seem to be of great value to you. It is not really your problem if you make it clear to guys, so you don't need to put this anxiety on yourself. The truth is you are putting yourself into this anxiety so just tell yourself yourself you are not obliged to give sex on a first date :)

You should try dating guys in the late 20's or early 30's who are more looking for relationships than hookups. That should reduce your anxiety also.

[McLlovin]

It shouldn’t feel forced. You should want to, but if you don’t want to, then don’t. But do not let anyone passively aggressively force you in to feeling you owe them sex. If someone really cares about you they won’t force you or make you feel guilty. Me personally I believe sex after marriage.

This is one mindset i don’t like about a lot of men. They go on dates not to create a relationship and find a wife but to have sex. If you take a lady out expecting sex then maybe you just buy a hooker and call it day at least then you don't have to pay for food but what you want.

[ObscuredBeyond]

Sex itself isn't that bad. The aftermath drama that could ensue, however, is something you aren't prepared for. Find a man that's willing to wait until after the altar, and be altar material. He will do everything for you except for sex up until then, and you'll be grateful to have him. Then, after the fact, you'll both know each other well enough that sex and its aftermath won't have to be such an unfolding drama.

Otherwise, especially in your circumstances, you'd only be setting yourself up. You don't need that.

[RingOfFire]

You are very lucky to have those feelings. It means you take intimacy seriously and respect it. That's a good thing not bad. The reason you feel different might be because many others even your age have lost that respect and appreciation for intimacy. That is their misfortune not yours. Keep taking it slow. Don't jump in until it feels right all the way around. Wait for someone special who is willing to take the time to make it more than just a moment of shallow pleasure. That's when it will feel the best and you won't regret it. There is nothing at all wrong with that.

[provokeesmokee]

Casual sex isn't for everyone. Just like polyamory isn't for everyone.

It's valid to only want to be intimate with someone you trust and are close to.

You have preferences and your own wants and needs. Don't compare something as personal as that with how other people act. Everyone's different.

[Longshanks1968]

Very good answers

[PresidentLucia]

You're first fail was dating just because of "pressure". Don't date. If people mock you for it, then they're not your friends, are they?
Secondly, don't feel bad for knocking guys down if you make your intentions clear. Just be honest. From that point, its HIS choice on how he wants to take that.

[MustafaAl]

Just say what you want?
I giess your afraid of negative reactions but are you just gonna let waves destroy your homes every time..


And be careful that some men think that by having sex with a girl they can gain emotional control over them

[Joshydavid25]

It's pretty simple, don't hookup... You just don't like it.. Don't force yourself to do it.. Maybe you just need to continue to take the time to actually get to know a guy and fall in love with him.. Just be patient and not unreasonably picky.. Find a guy that maybe wants to get married, or sees relationships as important as you do..

[DextroShade]

Find a religious dude who would be willing to wait, but recognize that marriage should come fairly quickly like within a couple years. Know that if you lose your virginity you can no longer expect guys to wait especially if they have other options.

[Longshanks1968]

Ignore religious fanatics and their advice and never date or have relationship with religious fanatics.

[DextroShade]

@Longshanks1968 I am not religious, but most of the guys who would until marriage for sex are.

[aceleon]

i might actually be same to you i just go into a dissociativemode where i just focus on myself and kinda use the girl like a doll sorry but without this way i don't think i could stomach that.

[Anonymous]

I feel like sex is part of life but I think its best to have sex in marriage, I've been on dates with girl and after date one it didn't cross my mind to have sex with her, it was more to build a rapport and bond. I can't tell you what to do in life because it's your life. You are still young so you may not want to do anything you'll regret like potentially having kids.

[TheSpaceGnome]

You don't have anxiety, you have what should be common sense.

People should spend a few years getting to know a person before getting into their pants. Taking it slow is wise, do not change.

[slatyb]

You weren't ready. You just met him. That's normal. Maybe when you actually know someone you will find the idea of intimacy more attractive.

[Anonymous]

Try that online first.. it'll be easier... Phone sex, sexting, sending nudes and talking about eachother fantasies. Explore it. And than you'll want to do it too..

[Minahh]

First of a all a man who wants to be intimate on a first date is only after one thing. Second of all you don't owe anything to anybody. Third of all take everything at your own pace and if somebody doesn't respect that or your boundaries bye.

[007kingifrit]

not doing things with first dates is good, you should save those moments for when you really know someone and feel special about them.

if you date a few years older they will listen to you better

[petitedollbabee]

Research asexuality and other forms of low sex-wanting sexualities.

[Longshanks1968]

Why?

[Longshanks1968]

You could reduce your anxiety by putting out.
I would never buy a car without driving it first and I would never get serious with a female with driving her first.