How do you feel about intimacy?

[AmandaYVR]

Not sex. Intimacy.

Intimacy is closeness between people in personal relationships. It's what builds over time as you connect with someone, grow to care about each other, and feel more and more comfortable during your time together. It can include physical or emotional closeness, or a mix of the two. It denotes mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing. It is often present in close, loving relationships such as marriages and friendships. It is also sometimes used to refer to sexual interactions, but intimacy does not have to be sexual.
Or as some refer to it, 'into me, see.'

The Two Polarities:

1. "When I talk to you, what it is that you're going to see is that I am going to share with you my most prized, deep assets. And they are my feelings, my worries, my anxieties, my aspirations, my dreams. I will open myself up for you to come in, and as you come in, you will validate me, you will reflect me, and you will momentarily help me transcend my existential aloneness."

2. 'Honey badger don't care.' An oldie but goodie:

I love it. I love getting to know people. I open up and share quite easily.

I like it... with the right person. I'm cautious about who I open up to, but I'm capable of it when I decide to.

Meh. I don't need it. I am happy being an island.

It scares the shit out of me.

Honey badgers don't do intimacy.

Updates

+1 y

This q of mine is also somewhat related...
Do you find you can express yourself more fully around your same sex, or the opposite sex? ↗

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

I live for it.

Without it, I can't help but feel "less alive" in some sense.

I think there's two primary aspects driving this "need" for intimacy.

Firstly, there's no feeling equivalent to seeing oneself through someone else's eyes. Without that perspective, we're relying on our own biases and memories to inform our sense of self. (And as a species we're infamously wired for self-deceptions, large and small). The movie cliché line "you complete me" may actually indicate something deeply true about the cognitive systems that determine the quality of our self perception. When you see in your lovers eyes -- and read between the lines of their innermost intimations -- that they totally see you as you truly are, then it's impossible not to also see *yourself* as the "true you" that your lover sees. (this is probably why I feel special attraction to highly perceptive women. I want to be "seen" as I truly am, so she needs to be capable of seeing below the surface level, and intuitively "read" me like a book. Is that asking so much? 🤣)

Secondly, it's intensely gratifying to reciprocate all that to one's lover. To see HER as she truly is, and to inspire her and give her courage to pursue her own dreams too. I don't see how there could be any material gift that's equivalent or greater in value. They say a woman cares most about not what a man says or does, but how he makes her FEEL. Well I think there's a second part of that equation. It's not just how he makes her feel. It's about how he makes her feel ABOUT HERSELF. To actually be that primary source of encouragement in her life, there's nothing more gratifying to me than that. And when she showers me in hugs and kisses and says "thankyou for seeing all the good things in me", then nothing else in the world makes me feel more like a man.

But hey that's just me, there's also a case to be made that guys might wanna just say whatever she wants to hear so they can get laid. But that's a very superficial way to live, and I generally like to get beyond superficialities ASAP.

[kery123]

This is so beautifully written

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

@kery123 Thankyou :)

[AmandaYVR]

You have a beautiful mind, Tom. It's a pleasure to read your thoughts and writing.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Thanks Amanda ☺️ you get me lol

[zeitgeist057]

Very well said, and a wonderful point about the perspective of those who know us. I think intimate relationships are the reason I have never been impressed with therapy: I get so much good therapy from my friends, family, and lovers who actually know and see me.

I recently had a wonderful connection with someone and a huge part of it was eye contact. I was reading about it and there is a theory that when you have sustained eye contact, your brains connect and start to fire in the same way.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

@zeitgeist057 yeah I feel the same way, I truly believe intimacy can heal trauma

[zeitgeist057]

www.nytimes.com/.../...ve-with-anyone-do-this.html

[DrunkAss]

Intimacy is most important to me but the height of intimacy to me is sex:
https://voca.ro/1kaB2zT5y4g1

[AmandaYVR]

You are true to form, DA.
You are not a "bad communicator with words" at all. (But we may debate this until the end of time, hey.) You just feel a lot better about, more satisfied with, face to face and physical contact.
I separated sex, not because it plays no part in it, but more because GAG is filled with shallow, and often very gratuitous, sex talk, and although I do sometimes talk in that category as well, I don't want people, the men especially, to devolve all things to that. The site is almost overrun with it.
The problem (if there is a problem) for us women, is that there are more than one type of man on the planet. (There are probably thousands, right.) Those who use sex, and women, for shallow purposes (immediate gratification and whatnot) without any desire for anything more from that person, are one type. "Intimacy" is a complex word with several meanings (thus, why I define so many things in my qs, so as to not send people off on a completely different, and often unrelated, path. I have seen a lot of unnecessary conflict arise because their definitions were different.) A person who loathes blunt language may use "I was intimate with..." to soften the act of sex and fucking. Or, that person may feel that to have sex with someone is to make love, or some version of that, which can be a very tender, and intimate act.

[AmandaYVR]

I know that there are many men, just like us women, for whom sex is more than an objective act of singular pleasure. And thank god for that, for them. (And, with a lot of us, when those feelings exist, it actually almost allows, justifies, the simultaneous existence of very passionate, raw sex, as well. "If you love me, you can fuck me" type of thing.
Some people use sex as a way to become intimate. Presumably because they don't feel comfortable expressing such vulnerability in other ways.
For others, sex is one of the best, or the ultimate, way to express the intimacy they feel for another. But intimacy definitely happens without sex. And my interest in this topic is about that.

[AmandaYVR]

I loved your answer, by the way.

[DrunkAss]

https://voca.ro/12hi4jn2jAkN

[OlderAndWiser]

I love getting in bed with partner, both of us wearing just our "birthday suits," and snuggling together before going to sleep, saying a few sweet things to each other, then drifting off with our bodies entwined with each other. That is a wonderful closeness!

[Mac-One]

I also think that is great.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

The farthest from me, the better.

[Lliam]

I love this question/mytake. I agree with what you said and I really liked what the lady in the video had to say.
I'm not one to bear my soul and babble to people I'm not close to, but I'm totally open with my wife and with people I do feel close to. I enjoy sharing my feelings and opinions. I enjoy hearing points of view that differ from mine. I have little respect for fragile people who get offended.

I'm just wondering what the honey badger had to do with this. LOL
I think honey badgers are cool but that gay guy was weird. He kept repeating "Eeew, that's disgusting."
It is true that honey badgers don't give a fuck.
Have you ever seen the video of the honey badger escape artist? They are really smart.

[AmandaYVR]

Thanks.
Yes, I like her definition too.
lolol. It's just a, perhaps strange, association I had. They don't want intimacy. We can agree on that right.
Yes I have! That's an interesting video, of the escape badger. In Australia, or something, wasn't it?

[mk200195]

Intimacy is not who you let touch you. If you think you know her just because you have seen her naked, you are wrong! Tell me about her dreams. Tell me what breaks her heart. What is she passionate about? Better yet, tell me one story about her that you are not in. You’ve seen her skin and touched her body. But you still know as much about her as a book you once found, but never got around to opening.


Intimacy is who you text at 3 am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention when ten other people are asking for it. Intimacy is the person who is always at the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are

[Anon621]

I like getting to know people even if I'm interested in someone and it does not end up working because meeting new people can bring potential professional relationships or potential friendships as well. In terms of romance though I tend to be intimate with my actions rather than touch or words so for example if I like someone I make it extremely clear by going on a day trip to the beach or a day trip hiking so I can write I am in love with you in the sand or on the ground using a stick or an assortment of rocks or sticks.

[ShadezMcgee]

Very careful and cautious for me in terms of intimacy. I hate being vulnerable, I don't trust a lot of people because of past experiences and I also think that since I am used to being alone for so long it has in a way set me back as a person when it comes to talking and keeping basic conversation rolling.

I can only do this for certain people or people I subconsciously can chill with. Other than that, very careful to touching the line of being afraid of it.

[AmandaYVR]

I really respect your answer - your honesty and candour.

[Jjpayne]

I do enjoy the idea of intimacy and I like the fact that it can go even deeper than the physical part

[ohshee]

Intimacy comes in every form I don't care if you're walking in and out of the bathroom there's a moment a moment in time just a look in the eyes hello A Touch of Hands as you walk by each other intimacy is just as powerful or more powerful than love it's beautiful it's one of the most beautiful things in the world that's what makes love love are those little moments

[ohshee]

The best part about intimacy is getting to be you to express how you feel by your touch by your kiss by your every single move every look moan breath if your whole being going into somebody else is all your energy you like somebody up to making feel like they've never felt before whether it be in the slowest slowest slowest of all motion or to a grip holding somebody so tight so close using your body as pressure pushing against parts of her body with so much pressure and force holding it there I still feel like you're floating on top of her it's all beautiful it's all an expression of who you are and who you want to be in that moment with her is Passion it's love is commitment its loyalty is everything all wrapped up in that moment and it's so very beautiful

[lilyanony1]

I crave it desperately. Being such an unlinked person I find it very hard to find others that can stand being around me long enough to want to develop that side

[AmandaYVR]

"Being such an unlinked person.." is a very interesting phrase. I kind of like it. But I presume you meant "unliked"?

[lilyanony1]

Yes unliked!

[pleasestopthis]

Sometimes it builds up naturally and sometimes I'm closed as a concrete wall. I'm usually cautious and it's hard for me to open up, I guess it depends on the person I'm getting to know. Most of the time, I feel very cautious of men and I put some distance

[Jamie05rhs]

Intimacy is something I want very much. (And that's one thing that doesn't have to wait for marriage! Lol.). But I haven't been successful as of yet in even getting into a relationship, so that is something that has eluded me. There have been several times when I thought I was close, but they didn't pan out. So I'm still searching.

[Marco10]

I guess option two is the most fitting for me. Intimacy is very nice with the right person. That only happens with time and with tests (subconscious tests that we subject people to without realizing).

[AmandaYVR]

That's nice. 💐 I thought you might possibly be a 'C.'
Clever, on the "subconscious tests."

[Mac-One]

Intimacy is what binds a relationship and grows over time. Sex is great and results from passion. If the time comes when sex becomes difficult or impossible for either the gal or guy, intimacy can still make the relationship beneficial for both.

[Flower7]

It's something that's very difficult for me to do. It doesn't scare me, I just truly don't know how to have a lot of closeness with another person. That doesn't come naturally to me.

[1stranger]

I choose B. And I agree what you say.
Intimacy is effusiveness. To be close enough to share the sadness and joy.
Intimacy is understanding that eye to eye...

[Citizenkirk]

That's just what I said too someone a moment ago, only you used better grammar, spelling, formatting, and discriptive terminology, but otherwise, exactly the same👍.

[exitseven]

In austere men, intimacy involves shame and thus is precious.

Frederick Nietzsche

[Juxtapose]

I enjoy it with the right people but I have learned to be cautious of users!

Friendship is the closest thing to meaning in life I have found.

[Andres77]

A majority of voters know that we want it.
Finding it, however, is a completely other story.

[Andres77]

Being able to let my guard down with someone who I know won't judge me. Being naked in my soul in their gaze and being confident and proud of who I am because they support me and helped me face and put down what I'd been ashamed of in the past.

[Sincerly_KittyCat]

During the dating phase i dont need sex but if i married its going to be a necessity, but even then i would be able to hold out for a while