How do I get him to see me as more then a "mate" with benefits?

[Anonymous]

Long story short. We are friends with benefits but he said he sees me more as a mate then anything else. How do I get out of this "mate" zone and become more of someone he sees romantically. Will being more flirty help?

Not here for a lecture on how I shouldn't sleep with someone without the commitment etc first.

Updates

+1 y

Probably should have added that we didn't start as friends with benefits, we were starting to date each other doing all the couple things etc then he just distanced himself and it just progressed towards what everyone would call a friends with benefits.

Updates

+1 y

Also should add, I don't think he understood how I felt (he does now) and I think he assumed I was happy with just being friends.

[ProbablyClueless]

Giving him more spice isn't going to change anything for him, because he's not putting in more to obtain that spice. He's not investing more, so why would you increase his return?

You could certainly try telling him outright that your expectations of the relationship have changed. You aren't making an unreasonable ask by wanting more from him, but you have to remember that he's comfortable where things are now. In the same way that you are being reasonable in asking for more, he would be reasonable in deciding that that might not be something he's comfortable in giving

If I were you, I would lay out all the relationship things that you guys do together and just explain that those aren't friend with benefits things. If you're already doing relationship things anyway, it makes sense to officially be in a relationship. I'd make it a logical statement like that. Making emotional/spiritual appeals isn't going to work because you are in this situation because he's comfortable with how things are.

Best of luck! Let me know if I can be of further assistance.

[MrOracle]

That's not how men work, with only very rare exceptions.

Men generally decide right from their first significant interaction with a woman - or even just observing her interact with others, the maximum level that woman can reach with him. There are 3 levels: the bottom level is "no interest", the middle level is "recreational use only" and the top level is "potential romantic/relationship partner".

Demotions to lower levels are common (and permanent), but promotions are extremely rare. And even if a woman was originally in the top level, if she accepts a lower level, that becomes her new level. Remember: demotions are easy, promotions are very rare.

I'm sure this isn't what you were hoping to hear, but it's the truth, and in the long run, you will have much better results if you accept the truth and make decisions accordingly.

[Monalisa77]

Mm this is interesting, cos the guy i like I've known him for about 4-5 months, and he just randomly starts flirting with me two months ago and acts interested

[DreamLife7]

@Monalisa77 at 35 you sure are stupid. A man whose flirting isn't a man that likes or loves u. He's using you as a pump and dump. Learn to love and respect yourself. Too old to be stupid

[Monalisa77]

But he has waited 8 months for a shag. Stupid

[Monalisa77]

Im not that pretty to b that desperate for someone to sleep with me, i go to this thing with my mother and most of the family (even if he doesn't know they're mine, some of them are his) im also clearly vulnerable n people who know him seem to think he's a genuinely nice guy. So these things r confusing

[Monalisa77]

I also haven't let on i like him yet

[Monalisa77]

Plus my age has nothing to do with it when it comes to lack of experience, i can only go on how I've seen happen to others

[MrOracle]

@Monalisa77 "Interested" in WHAT?

"Interest" from men is FAR more likely to be SEXUAL interest, and a lot less likely to be RELATIONSHIP interest - and these are two completely separate things with men. Soooo many woman fail to grasp that "interest" CANNOT be assumed to be *relationship interest* and must always be seen as "sexual interest* until it's been proven otherwise.

A man who wants you for a relationship will TALK to you about being in a relationship, and they'll talk about your future together, and will be including you in future plans. This guy clearly isn't doing that, and he's clearly using you as friends with benefits. As a woman, YOU are the gatekeeper of sex, just as men are the gatekeepers of relationship commitments. If you choose to give it away without a commitment, men are going to value you as such. They won't ever say this to you, they'll just treat you accordingly.

If you want to protect yourself emotionally, it's up to YOU to create boundaries and expectations, and to enforce them - meaning, no sex without a relationship commitment, etc. If you can't get the men you want while enforcing these rules (which is the reason most women break their own rules), that's the world telling you that the men you want are out of your league - that you don't have the relationship "market value" to attract that level of men, and you need to set your sights a little lower. Once you are going for men on your own level, you won't have trouble finding men who will commit to you - and that's how you will know what your level is.

Again, I'm just explaining how the world actually works, so that you can make the best decisions to work within the system. If you ignore the rules, things will go bad, and you certainly won't get what you want.

[Monalisa77]

We see each other once a month and barely know each other, he doesn't even know i like him. Im hoping to see him in two weeks and ill figure it out then. His flirting really was v random, i can't imagine he just decided obe day to start flirting

[Monalisa77]

Would he not make more effort if he wanted to use me? There was tgings he could have done to get what he wanted if that was his intention

[DreamLife7]

@Monalisa77 you have no risk on your finger. What does that tell you? You're damn near 40 your eggs are expired. Get it

[MrOracle]

@Monalisa77 He's not likely malicious in any way - he thinks you are both just having fun. But it's fun largely at his convenience, and that's plenty for him, which is why he isn't pushing for more. Ice cream is delicious, but most people don't eat it every day, but that doesn't mean they don't enjoy ice cream.

If you were also just having fun, there wouldn't be an issue - but you have feelings, and so you want HIM to have feelings, but he doesn't, and he won't, and nothing you can do will change that. And so you're going to feel hurt. That's not his responsibility, though, it's yours. YOU are the gatekeeper of sex, and you are like the vast majority of women, in that you cannot have casual sex without developing feelings, which means you shouldn't be having casual sex. Instead, you should be looking for a man who WANTS a serious relationship with you - and any other men need to be sent on their way. That's the ONLY way you're going to protect yourself emotionally. And YOU are the only one who can do that - no one else can save you.

[Monalisa77]

he's been staring aswell as flirting, i didn't think much of him before he started it was the staring that caught me, as i said its only been once since the flirting started that I've seen him. He has a friend thats a girl n he doesn't do the same with her

[DreamLife7]

@Monalisa77 grow up you're 35 years old. He does not want you

[Monalisa77]

I dont go out looking as i dont have any friends so never get invited. If i end up liking guys its cos they initiate the flirting, id never start anything if i didn't get any sign they might like me. If he's not interested id have to tell him to stop

[Monalisa77]

So u expect someone to admiit they like someone who hasn't given him any sign they like him after only one meeting? As i said my age has nothing to do with it bive never been with anyone lol

[DreamLife7]

@Monalisa77 and I see why you don't have friends. I couldn't deal with a 35 year old child. You need therapy 🤣

[DreamLife7]

He doesn't like you @Monalisa77 you're just strange and obsessive. Get some therapy

[Monalisa77]

I actually probably look freaked out when he does it, i dont flirt back cos i dont really know how and im not that stupid to b wary he's using me, if he thought i wasn't flirting why continue to stare

[Monalisa77]

It won't work when my mother is a control frrak. U can't expect someone to tell someone they like them after 1 meeting, id never do that

[Monalisa77]

people do like me, im a fairly nice and honest n smiley person its just people dont want to make the effort to meet up afyer initial meeting

[Monalisa77]

My cousin doesn't think hed use me. she's known him since birth

[Monalisa77]

Y on earth hed flirt n stare at me anyway, it rarely happens and im not like other girls i keep thinking someone put him up to it or he's doing it to make the other girl jealous

[Monalisa77]

I only arrived last time n he looked at me pretty much straight away it made me nervous i dont think his actions are that clear

[DreamLife7]

@Monalisa77 u need a therapist something is wrong w/u.

[Monalisa77]

Read my latest post

[Monalisa77]

Guys shouldn't flirt with girls they dont like, its not right or fair

[DreamLife7]

@Monalisa77 get therapy

[Anonymous]

Well you already slept with him. More flirty? I mean how do you get more flirty if you have had sex. And if you are sleeping together and there hasn't been much flirting 🤨 Like, I don't get it.

Maybe subconsciously deep down you thought your pussy would win him over to your fantastic relationship potential. It never ever does.

Men just see you as ran through.

You have to understand, men really don't have much respect for us women. Especially if they didn't have to sacrifice anything to sleep with us.

I would find a new prospect.

[Opinion Owner]

And don't sleep with him!!

[MrOracle]

"You have to understand, men really don't have much respect for us women."

... UNLESS it's clear that the woman in question has respect for herself. Women who sleep with guys outside of a committed relationship are generally not considered to have any respect for themselves.

This means that WOMEN control whether or not men respect them, because that respect is directly connected to the choices that SHE makes.

If a man chose not to have a job, not to have an education, not to dress well, not to have any ambition, etc., would a woman respect him? NO! Of course not - and that would be entirely HIS fault, because of HIS choices.

This is exactly the same thing, except that men don't care about the same things that women care about. Men don't care If a woman has advanced education, or if she has a high income, or any of that - they care if she has purity and is LOYAL, and that's how men will always judge women. If a woman wants to be valued and respected in a man's eyes, those are the areas she's got to focus on.

[Opinion Owner]

@MrOracle This means that WOMEN control whether or not men respect them.

This is SO incredibly wrong. There are men who are just plain disrespectful and the only option is to not deal with them in anyway. Their misogyny doesn't change.

[Anonymous]

it's too late. you're already friends with benefits. why would he let go of easy sex and have to put in more effort than that? i'm just saying.

[Finchie40]

Approach him and look him in the eyes and tell him straight out that you don’t want him seeing anyone else , and tell him you only want him , If he really likes you , he will agree and take you on his arms and make out with you , if he doesn’t want that with you, then do not give him any more sex period and tell him straight out you want to be with someone that is more than just FWB’s

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you dress casually when you are with him? Do you ask him to take you out to dinner? Have you introduced him to your family? When he is ill or otherwise needs help, are you there to support him? Do you act like a girlfriend or do you act like easy sex?

[Asker]

A bit of both. I was the first person he ever took out on proper dates when we first started seeing each other. Would do all the things a couple would do that's why the friends with benefits comment kinds came out of the blue

[OlderAndWiser]

Is it possible that he wants to be a serious boyfriend but is also scared of the commitment and reacts in this way as a form of denial?

[Summeroflove]

Lol. Good luck. He’s using you for sex and that’s all it will be. Your doing the same thing. If you wanna find love. Stop being a whore. No decent man wants that

[MixedBratt]

The stop being a whore comment choked me

[Asker]

@MixedBratt love that men are allowed to sleep with whomever they want and it's fine but as soon as a girl does the exact same thing she is labelled a whore

[MixedBratt]

I’m saying the men who talk like that though think there a prize to be won when they can’t even wash there ass right like gtfo

[Asker]

@MixedBratt 😂😂 100%

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt seems your projecting and assuming a lot. Have a nice day.

[Summeroflove]

Asker I call men whores here too. So stop assuming things about me. I don’t sleep around or think I’m some prize that needs to be won.

I call both men and women out with that mentality. Because they’re narcissistic and really contribute absolutely nothing to a relationship. Other then sex

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt because you’re being a whore. People who have friends with beliefs are whores. Male or female it’s disgusting.

Nobody decent wants someone who sleeps around. It’s like incels who wanna have a lot of sex but wants a virgin. No virgin woman wants that.

But see. You’re perfect for those type of guys. No standards tramp

[MixedBratt]

You should change your name to summer of hate because you’re a big ole hater and don’t call me names it turns this tramp on again kisses 😘

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt you’re fucking weird. You probably get rejected a lot. I love by far more people then I despise. It’s the degenerate type like yourself.

Sorry your not my type.

[MixedBratt]

Yet you continue to have my name in your mouth 😂😂anyways that’s fine love keep being you but you still probably don’t know how to wash your ass so if you need tips on that message me I love educating bigots like yourself

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt you’re responding to me lol.

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt I’m a bigot now? You probably don’t even know what that means. Thanks for being obsessed with my ass though. You probably can’t even find yours with both hands

[MixedBratt]

Ouu not the double @ summer find peace I don’t want you love but stay safe out here

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt lol I figured you were being sarcastic. But you do project a lot of yourself onto me. That’s why your triggered over a post that has zero to do with you

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt I do stay safe out there. I’m a CCW holder. Thanks.

[MixedBratt]

Didn’t ask what you were but thanks for the information and staying safe

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt I didn’t ask for your opinion either loser.

[Summeroflove]

@MixedBratt if you don’t think people wanna hear someone else’s information, what makes people think they wanna hear yours.

[David_Kek]

No two people are alike, so one advice for one might not work for another. Generally if you want someone romantically, you need to offer them what they really want in a partner. If he's getting sex and friendship out of you and he's still not interested, then it's clearly something else. Maybe it's something you can give him, maybe you can't. Either way I'd have an honest conversation with him about it, putting your feelings on the table, and asking or reading between the lines what it is he does want. If you can figure that out and give it to him, providing it doesn't clash with your own needs to a large degree, then that should give you the answer you're looking for.

[JacobJordan]

More than likely can't. If he viewed you as a potential girlfriend or future wife he wouldn't have hooked up with you. Though if you deadset on trying then you will want to get him to come to a dinner. Don't get dolled up for it you would need to be subtle. Also be ready to pay if you want to get him to dinner because you don't want him thinking it is a date. After the dinner do your thing. Then do a lunch at some point or another dinner. Then do little trips to spend time together do not bring up feelings or date stuff. Just spend time and talk.

[Goahead76]

I hate to say but I think the odds are very low you'll change his mind, he'll likely just politely back out. Guys are just not looking for relationships anymore, 63% of men 18-30 are single & not looking. 7.2 million men have dropped out of the US workforce & haven't come back & likely not dating if they aren't working which makes guys even more scarce. Marriage rates are at historical lows. Men don't even approach women anymore, why try and get called a creep every time? Women initiate divorce 80% of the time, 90% if they're college grads. Guys just see a minefield in front of them, far better to steer clear.

I'm worried about this trend I think about it a lot, but for a large percentage guys it would seem the risk is just not worth the reward. Maybe he'll bite, but I would be pretty shocked. Will be very curious to hear how it goes. Please let us know. 😌

[Levin]

I mean, what do you want man? You can't manipulate people through games. Not to be horrible, but you probably lowered your value to him by having that arrangement. He's said you're a mate. If you have feelings for him, in my opinion, you need to stop this. Unless you're comfortable just being someone he screws for some quick gratification. He's said exactly what this arrangement is. It's either friends, or a shag. That's the long and short of it.

[Uby10000]

That's quite hard but not impossible. I start suggesting you two spend more time talking about romantic interests or personal tastes in everything outside of those "benefits". Also I don't get why people are mad on friends with benefits while it's PROVEN that a lot of them end with liking each other... is only natural after all...

[wiltingrosepetal]

Damn. As an Australian, this is our highest honour 😞 But yeah, on a serious note, being more explicitly flirtatious or dressing up for him will imply less of a 'mate' message

[Meropatrick]

Its him who had to decide this. U can't "make" him. He either fell in love with u and wants u to be his wife. Or he is just not serious about u. If he isn't giving u what u want just move on. Dont change people. Look for people who r already what u want, its easier, there are many men out there who r serious and will give u what u want. U r in ur 30s u dont have enough time to waste ur time on this. After 40 u would be a cold product in dating Market

[Meropatrick]

I just saw ur update. So u never communicated to him how u feel ever? I think this is the problem in any relationship. Couples dont communicate their needs. U let around 20 strangers or more (the people who answered on here) know about ur feelings before u tell HIM. The very person u need him to know. Of u communicated with him and he changed then it good. But if he didn't i urge u to leave life is too short to wait in vain

[Asker]

I had communicated with him but he said he had assumed he didn't like him as much as I did. I had communicated this with him well and truly before I posted on here. Just did an update as I had forgotten to include it in the original post

[boggboss]

I dont think u can as at the end of the day if he wanted to be with u more romatnivaly he would vreaking that barrier one u guys are sleeping together is near impossible unless he had feelings in the first place

[Asker]

There was initial feelings as we starting off dating and he had said many times that he does like me and spending time with me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[boggboss]

But that liking u only become wanting to spend time with u to have sex

[Bklynbadboy12]

You'll never get him to see as anything else. Once your a friends with benefits that's all you'll ever be. Just think about it if I can get all the things I want from you without having to be in a relationship with you then why would I ever be in a relationship with you. Be careful which doors you open cause some can't be closed.

[HelpfulWoman]

take a hint and that's all you'll be.
Nothing wrong with sex with people. so long as you respect the boundaries. you were never a serious option if he has friends with benefits role with you.

[Anonymous]

Be more than a mate with benefits.

Your question would be like me asking "how do I get Scarlett Johansson to realize I'm the man of her dreams". The answer is NOTHING. You cannot get a person to see value if they simply do not want to look there or to see it. The best advice I can give is be a quality person and if they're worth it, they'll see it. If not why would you want to try to force the blind to see? It's best to move on to someone who will.

[RingOfFire]

The best way to do it is not to be friends with benefits in the first place. There is no coming back from the disrespect a man feels for you if you are willing to do that.

You can call it a lecture or you can call it a fact.

[RingOfFire]

Regarding the updates...

You have to let him know that if he wants to get the milk, he has to buy the cow. That's the way this works. Otherwise he will just get whatever he can from you for free.

[DreamLife7]

He's not going to see you as more than a hoe. You did this to yourself. He's made it clear from jump that he doesn't see you in a romantic light, as a mother nor as a wife. You chose to spread your legs so deal with it.

[LiamJHayden]

That can be difficult, as many if not most guys will do the bare minimum to get what they want. If all he wants is sex and is already getting it, he might not be inclined to "trouble the waters."

[DextroShade]

You need to find ways to add value to his life to the point you become indispensable. Cooking and cleaning are a good start, if you find ways to help him with his purpose it will be even better.

[SixFootSexy]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/bLzyFP72Scw

This explains it perfectly

[catarecute]

stop being silly the guy is an idiot. ditch him now have some pride.

[Unit1]

You gave him your power. Now if you take it back, then chances are that's all you're gonna be for him.

[nawtee_me]

Fried-zones are friend-zones for life aren’t they? If it was the other way around and you only saw his as a friend and nothing datable would you change your mind?

[Blueeyes81]

Its highly unlikely. Most men know if they could be in a relationship with a woman fairly early on.

[Anonymous]

You can't
Just have to bin that one, start over and be strong enough to not let history repeat itself

[Explainhowithappens]

If you wanted to be more from the get go you shouldn't have slept with him in the first place as a sex buddy.

[TdotRep2023]

Don't keep them the way to are or they will just cut u lose. Lol

[YAsQuen]

its the classic play? You are on his raster...

[MaxUsefull]

It depends only on you, the man goes as far as the woman lets him go

[In_Trance]

Stop taking your clothes off

[PreciousJewel]

Never sleep with men that easily.