AITA for being picky about my engagement ring?

[Anonymous]

I live with my boyfriend and he has been raving about the ring he’s going to give me for about two years now. A year ago he asked me to show him what I liked and basically go into detail because he had connections and was going to get it designed just for me. So I made him a whole document to show him my dream ring, likes and dislikes.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and he suddenly wants me to look at rings with him so he gets an idea about what I like. A bit confused I said I’m sure I’d love anything he’d pick out since I already showed him what I like.

Optional to read. The most important for me ring-wise is:

- not too big of a stone (1ct or preferably less, I’d rather it be lab grown diamond or moissanite). I love elongated cushion cut the most but radiant are also nice.

- thin gold band, don’t have a preference to pave or not. I don’t like bands that feel very square.

He then tells me that he doesn’t want to use the connection he had because they haven’t designed anything to his liking in the past and he doesn’t think they’ll make a good enough job. This means that I won’t get the ring that I love and have envisioned for over a year now, especially since elongated cushion isn’t a thing where we live. In the end I know it’s not about the ring, but I somehow feel disappointed now that he is pulling up completely different rings (oval, big stone, thicker band etc) than what I showed him. This is a ring I want to wear for the rest of my life. AITA for being picky about the ring?

[abc3643]

I don't think you're the asshole here. I think you can hold out.
To me, this is a question of expense. As long as the ring you want is not too expensive, you should have whatever you want albeit you may have to wait until you have what you want. So, you need to bring this up with him that you would like (don't say "want") what you want and that you are willing to wait to get it. For instance, you wrote "elongated cushion isn’t a thing where we live". Well, then, find out where "elongated cushion IS a thing" and that's where you get the ring from.

[abc3643]

I realize that what I wrote:

"you need to bring this up with him that you would like (don't say "want") what you want"

may be confusing.

Let me give an example.
Suppose I want a vanilla ice cream cone and my wife is going to buy it for me.
I don't say to her "I want a vanilla ice cream cone".
I say to her instead "I would like a vanilla ice cream cone" even though I want it.
Why?
Saying "want" comes across as demanding.
My wife is giving me the gift of an ice cream cone; it's not necessarily something I deserve and am owed, especially since I am not paying for it.
So, in instances in which you are asking someone to provide you with something you want, say "I would like". It comes across as more appreciative and less demanding and, well, "less of a Karen".

With a man, believe it or not, this is a subconsciously important thing. If you come across as demanding, then he'll silently get defensive and have his shields up going forward. You are to be his partner, not his boss, so you don't want him to subconsciously think he's working for you but, instead, that you are appreciative with what he is doing for you. (You know, this advice sort of applies with everyone, not just a man.)

That said, you can firmly hold fast onto what you want in this ring because this is a major once-in-a-lifetime purchase. Stress that to him. It's sort of like a moonshot; you have to get it right before you launch because you can't fix it or "do it again" later.

[Asker]

Thank you for your take on this!

It’s not really an expense issue; he’s looking at bigger diamonds whereas I’m completely fine with moissanite instead (he doesn’t want that) and also opting for a smaller stone since I like it better.

So I’ve actually found a place where you can design your ring, they even have the elongated cushion cut and they’ve got fair pricing as well. I showed it to my boyfriend and he said that they don’t have thin bands that I like. I used their chat on the website to quickly check to see if it’s possible to make the bands thinner and it was. But now I don’t know how to bring this up to my boyfriend without being pushy. I’m a people pleaser and it’s really hard for me to tell him what I want, I don’t want to be difficult or considered a brat. My initial thought was for me to check just to make it easier for him but now I feel like maybe I’m annoying for doing this?

[abc3643]

"My initial thought was for me to check just to make it easier for him but now I feel like maybe I’m annoying for doing this?"

Good question - and good that you asked early...

Every couple goes through this sort of question and, frankly, I wish I realized that before I was married. My wife is like a landmine and the slightest thing sets her off because she jumps the gun.

In your case, it's not that you are being pushy, but verifying. You can say "In my experience with jewelry stores, they all could adjust bands. It's a common request. So I suspected they (the jewelry store you contacted) could do it too, so I checked and they said they could."

Now, if your boyfriend flies off the handle, that's a yellow flag right there. I don't think he will though. However, a guy needs to "save face" in a sense. Believe it or not, in "GuyLand", you "defeated him"; he was wrong and you showed him he was wrong and you were right. It makes him feel, at an instinctive level, he is less of a man because he could not take care of you but you could. This sort of goes to the root of why men losing to women in games or sports is upsetting to them.

So, the way you get out of this is with something like this: "Honey, I've been thinking about getting married since I was a little girl and knowing about jewelry and jewelry stores is something most women know a lot about, usually more so than men, so it's understandable that you wouldn't realize that jewelry stores can adjust bands."

My wife corrects me a lot, but I am cool with that because one reason I married her is because of her knowledge and experience in things I have very little of. So, I don't get bent out of shape about it. I do at other times when I am the one with the experience and knowledge and she is not.

[Anonymous]

You just sound immature and spoiled. No grown woman who wants to marry the love of her life would be this picky about her ring. The ring of your dreams will not make your marriage work better. It won't change a single thing. It will just sit at home 90% of the time because it is too expensive to be worn outside on a daily basis. Are you sure you are mature enough to get married? When it comes to marriage and parenthood being immature and selfish is not the right mindset.

If I were getting married, it wouldn't matter what kind of ring my fiance picks for me unless if it were an exceptionally ugly ring.

[OGname2]

Sounds like your disappointment is more about him not actually listening to what you like. I totally get not wanting to wear something that's just not your style for the rest of your life.

I don't know if it's a money thing, but if you talk it out I'm sure you can find something together you like that's on budget :)

[JacobJordan]

Think you need to decide what your priorities are. Do you want to be married or do you want a fancy ring. If the ring then you need to re-evaluate your entire relationship. If marriage then the ring doesn't matter he could get you a ring pop from a 25 cent grocery store candy display and you'd be thrilled

[nastyb]

If a man is cheap enough to spend a quarter on a ring from the vending machine, you better question how much he respects you

[JacobJordan]

@nastyb if you care how much he spends on a ring which is nothing but a status symbol he should be questioning if you are worth marrying.

[nastyb]

@jacobjordan

do you really think a man who loves his wife would buy the ugliest , crappiest , cheapest ring for her?
are you really that stupid?

[JacobJordan]

@nastyb did I say that? No don't have the audacity to put words in my mouth. The reality is a man will buy a woman a ring and he will spend a fair amount on it because most women care more about the ring, the wedding, the ceremony than they do the person they are marrying. Most men realize most women are shallow as fuck so we get them the ring so she can show it off and brag to her friends. We do the big wedding so she can show off to her family. At no point dies any of that shit mean anything to the man. He does it because it makes his wife happy.

[nastyb]

@jacobjordan

women are shallow as fuck?

men only date younger women. men hate older women. men hate fat women.
men are even more shallow.

reality is, if a man refuses to buy his wife a nice ring, he won't treat her well in marriage. Lets face it, what kinda man who loves his wife would by her the shittiest, cheapest ring?

[nastyb]

would you buy your wife a shit ring for the wedding?

[JacobJordan]

@nastyb firstly my wife is 3 years older than me so false. My mother's ring was literally free because my dad found it and they have been married longer than either of us have been alive. Both their parents (all 4 of my grandparents) didn't even have rings and they were married for 60+ years and happily. I am married have been for 16+ years. I also have many employees (83 staff 26 women 47 men 48 counting myself) that are married men and women and due to the nature of our work rings aren't allowed to be during work and none of the guys care and the women always seem surprised that their husbands don't notice if she forgets the ring at work. When my wife and I met and decided to marry we skipped the government intervention and the silly church bits I did get her a ring she didn't want a crazy expensive one she wanted a simple band. I got her that. For our 15th wedding anniversary I got her a far better ring because I appreciate everything she has done for me and for our family. Including giving me 3 beautiful children. So to answer your question I did in fact get my wife what you would call a "shit" ring was a simple white gold band. Your mistake is thinking the ring is a sign of what a man feels for his wife. The ring means absolutely nothing to the man. If you got married and then removed the ring (cleaning for example) he likely would not even notice in fact numerous women have tested that by removing the ring and seeing if their husband's would notice... they didn't. Because we don't give a damn. We married you. We didn't marry the ring. So I am confused at the point you seem to think you are making because the ring of literally everything has the least affect on how a marriage is going to go.

[nastyb]

@jacobjordan

you took your mother's ring because you couldn't afford to buy a ring.

men with no money shouldn't be getting married. he won't be able to support the family.

[nastyb]

the ring is a reflection of how a man feels about his wife...

[JacobJordan]

@nastyb hilarious assumption. No I bought the ring my wife wanted. The 15th anniversary ring cost $136k I retired when I was 33 because I realized I didn't need anymore money. Once again you are projecting what a man feels based on the ring. A man does not give a fuck about the ring your inability to realize that is why you aren't married

[AutumnSerenity]

My husband proposed to me without a ring and I happily said yes. We didn’t have money back then but he was my best friend for years. I loved/love him more than anything. The ring was the least of my worries. I was just happy to spend the rest of our lives together. So all of this just sounds shallow and immature to me.

[blueonblack22]

I have seen worse AITA questions then this. But the deeper question is how much are you looking at your fiancé for financial purposes. If it’s just the ring and nada else that’s one thing. But how much are you thinking about money and material when it comes to him?

[Anonymous]

Neither of you seems to know much about diamonds, and I'm guessing "the connection" doesn't either. When you have a connection for a ring, it's supposed to be an old guy from Israel in Palm Beach who comes out with a tray of stones, not a guy who used to work for Jared in a mall.

[KrakenAttackin]

My first thought is to say you are being spoiled and bratty, BUT, the fact you have talked so much about the ring with your boyfriend tells me you have expressed your preferences before the ring has been bought.

Had your boyfriend presented a ring to you and THEN you start talk about not liking it, I would excoriate you here.

[Billlewis]

No, not at all. I applaud you for insisting on an engagement ring that's reflective of your stature as a woman, as well as this extraordinarily fortunate guy's fiancée.

[Anonymous]

No you're definitely not the asshole. It's a ring you will wear for the rest of your life like you said. It should be what you want imho.

[grega239]

I domt get why the look of the ring is such a big deal.

Its a symbol of commitement not a display of wealth

[LiamJHayden]

Your relationship has devolved into a disute over a ring. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Fuck you hope you choke on that ring

[Opinion Owner]

Why don't you take that ring and shove it up your ass