Sorry this is so long. I (33) m have been seeing this girl (29) f since last September. Let’s call her Keri. We’ve been on 6-8 dates already and we text each other every day. She told me she has social anxiety which I’m fine with and she goes to group therapy. Every time we’re out she always looks very nervous and uncomfortable. I thought with us texting each other every day and going on dates she would feel more comfortable. I’m have been very patient, understanding, and accommodating to her and her needs. It just feels awkward when we are together. She barely laughs or smile when we’re out.
On our sixth date we went bowling. I jokingly said to her “I’m going put you down as trouble haha”. Keri’s replied back with a serious look saying “no don’t do that”. I joked around about a book she was reading about a couple having 19 kids and having them work. This was through text. I said “we could better than that lol” and I replied back saying I was joking around. Keri responded back saying she new I was just joking around. A month and a half later she tells me it made her uncomfortable and nervous.
We’ve only held hands once only because I asked and we only kissed twice. When walking side by side she always has her hands tucked in her chest and we walk far apart from each other. When I drop her off she pushes her back against the passenger door panel like I’m going to force myself on her or something.
3 mo
Should I give it more time?
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It sounds like she has anxiety and maybe traumas, maybe you can talk to her about what you’ve noticed and how can you make her feel more comfortable because it’s important to you and you do like her a lot. I think it’s okay to express concerns and that’s amazing what a gentleman you’ve been. I hope things work out!
Hey thank you for replying to this. Sorry it took me so long to get back. I actually called it off this past weekend. I have tried talking with her about things. She would change the subject or ask to talk about something else when she was uncomfortable about that topic. She never wanted to discuss it. I gave it my best and I tried everything to make her more comfortable and happy.
That’s okay! Aw I’m sorry to hear this, do you feel like you’ve been dating long enough that it became tiring to wait or do you feel like because she’s not ready to talk about what makes her uncomfortable and maybe lack of communication is a deal breaker? It really is difficult, but I also had to learned it the hard way that we can’t make someone tell us something if they’re not ready nor comfortable… even in a relationship… though I do believe it’s important to be honest and open… but now I try to see it in a friendship way where a friend is not ready to talk about what’s bothering or making them feel uncomfortable. It’s abit of a grey area at times in these situations. But I believe you gave it your best and was very patient.
Yes I think it was long enough. We would literally text each other every night asking how our day went since November and not missing a day. I would try to make her laugh and she would barely smile. I felt like I couldn’t joke around with her. I believe our sense of humor was different. It was getting tiring I feel like. It was like the more I got to know her she would push back more. She was different when texting. I told her I am big on communication too and to tell me if anything was bothering her. Even if she felt uncomfortable anywhere we went. I was very accommodating.
Should I have waited longer before breaking it off?
😟 I totally get it… I’d feel discourage, sad and confuse too. I believe you are very patient and accommodating to wait this long because most can’t wait a few days to 2 weeks in modern dating if things doesn’t sit right. That’s amazing. I can’t answer that because I believe only you can determined it. But for me, if I knew the person I really like may be having traumas/triggers, I’d respect it if they don’t wanna share it yet. I’d wanna ask if there’s any way I can make them feel safe at least verbally and non verbal. I’d ask noticing their lack of smiles if something is on their mind or had a tough day? Etc. I’m sure she might’ve been scare to talk about it because it’s probably triggering or reliving those moments. Per observation by your story, I get the feeling she might’ve been physically or verbally abused. But it’s just my guess. Maybe she wanted to try with you and it was also very challenging for her too. It does sucks because maybe you’re mature & ready enough to build that great communication. I wonder if she’s not ready to be a good communicator… a lot of people struggle with communication skills these days unfortunately…. But it’s up to them to wanna learn how to navigate and grow to get those skills set. I think it’s just the effort that you were hoping for and I get it.
Unfortunately I had to do it through text. She’s in Florida now with her parents. I know it’s normal and I should been fine with it but she seemed fine when I broke it off.
Me: “There’s something I need to tell you. Im glad I had the chance of meeting you. I enjoyed our time together but I feel we’re not capable. I feel it won’t work out in the long run and I don’t want to waste your time.”
Her: “And oh really? I really enjoyed spending time with you but I understand if you feel differently”
I know everyone reacts differently. I guess we wouldn’t really know she felt since it’s through text. But you guys did invest in a long time… maybe she is just playing it cool. If someone tells me it’s over, I’ll just accept it and be respectful of their decision.
Omg her response is exactly what I’m sayin lol.
What do you think of her response?
Lol the same thing I shared that she’s playing it cool, she was surprise and likes you, but respectful of your decision. She sounded really nice and respectful in my opinion. Did you wanted her to hold onto you or are you having a change of mind?
No I think I came to the conclusion to break it off. It was too much. Plus not to sound like an ass but she’s taking online classes that the state is paying for and I don’t think she wants to work. She’s in Florida all month and possibly next month. She’s 29 and not even working part time. When I asked her she said she wanted to get a job somewhere like working in a back office away from people. Probably because of her bad social anxiety.
Not sure of her whole background, but I think you’re not really understanding that some people with mental health has it abit more challenging to work like a typical person. It’s very common people with anxiety wants abit more quiet space to work since they might be trigger with a number of people and it’s a healthier and appropriate accommodation to their mental health. I don’t see what’s the problem as long she’s willingly to pursue her education if she has financial aid or so so.
I know. That wasn’t why I called it off though. My sister is like that. All I know that it wasn’t fun going out with her. Trying to make her laugh and feel comfortable was tiring.
I understand why you ended things with poor communication and feeling like there’s no progress. I was just addressing and sharing mental health information to your concerns that you may not been happy about. I get it, I’d wanna date someone I can laugh with and smiles at me too. Maybe it was for the best since it doesn’t seem she’s actually what you’re looking for and you don’t seem happy about her current unemployment/student status.
I think it was for the best. Everyone knows me as a bubbly and happy person. I love to laugh and joke. Thank you for taking time out to talk to me. I feel at ease a little. You’re a very kind person.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but yeah I agreed if that’s how you feel. I hope you find whom you’re looking for! Lol I keep saying I get you because I’m actually the same way! I’m also a bubbly, happy person who loves laughing and so I gravitates toward someone who also likes smiling/good energy. Aw I’m glad to hear talking about this helped made you feel a little better about your decision and circumstance. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but you gotta do what’s best for you. Thank you, I just enjoy being here for others and hoping I can somewhat help them.
No it definitely wasn’t easy. She was the first girl I dated. I hope you find someone to if your are single. You definitely helped me. I think others might of said it was too early or I wasn’t understanding enough etc.
Oh, it’s your first time dating for a potential girlfriend? I would suggest to think about what did you took away from this learning experience? Sometimes, you might be able to be more understanding in the future or know what you like/dislike/limitation. That’s good to hear, I’m glad! Thank you, I’m actually single at the moment haha.
Yes I’m looking for a girlfriend. I did learn more about myself and what I’m really looking for along with learning about the dating experience. I think I know now what I’m looking for and what I like and dislike. I hope you find someone that makes you happy. You seem like a sweet girl.
That’s great, I believe it’s part of dating/relationships to continuously learning about yourself/other person and what are your wants/needs/compatibility etc. I think you were pretty patient and kind for your first time. Those are great quality traits for long-term relationships since it will take time to develop that mutual understanding, compromises, and stronger connection. Aw that’s very kind of you, thank you so much 🥹 I hope so too whoever is that next person, definitely laughters, sincerity, & happy happy has to be part of the ingredients for me haha. If only there’s a Time Machine for the future to find out lmao.
Yes I believe it’s a big part for a growing relationship. I never understood it but now that I’ve dated I have a better understanding of it. It’s takes time to build that relationship and connection. That’s the ingredients for me too. Laughter and being happy. As the saying goes happy wife happy life lol. I wish there was a Time Machine for that. Fast forward to find someone.
I couldn't agree more, growth in a relationship is so important and something I value. Yeah, it does take time to develop the relationship. Some are lucky where it is an instant connection and others take a bit more time. Well that saying is definitely not a myth LOL. Let me know if you find that time machine hahaha. I feel like I am not in a rush because I want my next person to be my last love, but if the right person is right under my nose I'd take that opportunity.
I absolutely agree with you on all of that. She took me off of her instagram but kept me on facebook lol. I wonder why.
Hmm maybe she forgot she has you on both, or one is more personal/active 🤔
Does it bother you that she removed you though?
No of course not.
Well then, I hope you heal and find someone you’re looking for mister anon :)
Honestly, it sounds like she’s just a bit weird. But I wouldn’t really worry about it much. You should just ask her if she’s happy in the relationship.
I called it off this past weekend. Thanks for replying to this. I don’t think it was going to work out. I think she had more unresolved issues.
You do what’s right for you, boss. Hope it works out well.
Thanks man.
Sounds problematic. Why are you dating her at all?
I actually just ended things this past weekend