Is going to gym and changing your appearance basically the only important thing for finding a girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

I have never had a girlfriend in my whole life and I really want to experience being in a relationship. The issue with the culture in which I was raised is that appearance was not considered very important for guaranteeing marriage. My elders never told me that looks are important for men. Instead I was always advised to keep studying very hard and make as much money as possible. I practically spent my entire adolescence and early twenties just studying and playing music. I was never interested in sports and physical activities. I currently work as a software engineer.

Now in my mid 20s I have realised that I wanted to be in a relationship and by far the number one reason why I can't get into a relationship is my appearance. I am naturally very thin and eating in large quantities isn't helping me gain a significant amount of weight. Most of the weight gain, if at all, happens only on my face and my belly. My father is very sceptical about me going to the gym and trying to do bodybuilding. According to him these are all silly things and he points out how he got married to my mother at the age of 26 in spite of being very thin and short. But he doesn't seem to understand that his generation was very different from mine. Almost all the guys I know in my age group who are in a relationship are at least tall or well-built or masculine looking in some way. I have never once met a small weedy guy who has a girlfriend. It almost seems impossible. The girls I have personally approached themselves aren't conventionally attractive so I don't think I have unrealistic expectations regarding appearance in a partner.

Most of the "dating advice" online seems to talk about "self improvement", but honestly the only thing that initially seems to matter is appearance. Personality definitely matters in the long run but no amount of good personality will be helpful unless a basic threshold for physical appearance is met.

[jennifer_bloom]

A lot of woman prefer thin guys cause a thin guy is more metabolically efficient at using the food he eats meaning he is in optimal and prime in health and vitality. I have been attracted to very fat guys before but they were tall and intelligent. When you’re short, your best physical asset is a fit body with low fat and a charming personality. Also, as a Christian I believe that if you live a spiritual life, God will give you a woman that prefers your shape and personality over another guy with different features. You won’t have to change your body to attract the woman God gives you.

[Ashley1993]

One of the important things I would say not the "Only" one

[lightbulb27]

no those aren't even most important.

you have to work on your confidence and social skills, interaction skills. gym can help, appearance can help. there is no putting lipstick on a pig here... girls see right through it... most of the time... some of the time. they are looking for certain emotional qualities.

[Asker]

Not that I disagree entirely with you, but here are some anecdotes that have led me to believe that looks and fitness really are the most important factor, at least in the initial stages.

I have a neighbour who is quite athletic-looking but he was addicted to drugs and is still unemployed. He is working on getting a degree now, so he's certainly on the path of self improvement. I don't think he has what people would usually call a good personality. He seems very depressed most of the time and it's understandable given what he has been through. He has had multiple girlfriends but has not been able to sustain a relationship over many years.

There is another guy I know who lived in my hostel. I'm not saying he's a bad person but he is very lazy and irresponsible and asked me to help him get a job. I asked him to submit some documents and he even failed to do that. He has a pretty girlfriend who has a job by the way.

[lightbulb27]

I know your challenge... was without girlfriend long time. You are looking at reality and trying to make sense of it with limited data. In essence you are asking..."how does attraction work... why am I not finding somenone?". there's lot of girls asking the same.

I had to traverse that topic for myself over time and figured it out, at least for me and my scenario. It's a topic that covers human behavior..."what are girls thinking", "what are they attracted to and why"? There are men that have decoded the female so you can understand them and there's videos on how you can be your best.

The real thing is that you work on yourself to be your best, confident Man. You present yourself to many and you get some takers... you pick whom you are interested in. I don't agree with your analysis based uponw hat I learned, most girls don't care. What girls want is an emotional connection.
Why? They want to control you so that they are number #1 priority and have your presence. You must be "worthy of them"... then you get to mate with them. Thus, you must project value.

If such screwed up people have girlfriend's... I could explain guesses as to why that is. Learn about the sub conscious mind... that's where you'll find the answers to most questions.

It's all hard until it is no longer hard after undersatnding it. You are just getting started.

Your neighbor has serious problems and needs "therapy", come to Jesus, and other things before he screws up his life, her life, and his off srpings life. you don't want any piece of that. And yes, some girls... will sign up for that... they have their reasons.

Think harder... you'll find the answers! I guarantee you get buffed physically, it does limited to no good. I guarantee you put on emotional strength, confidence, project value and strength... you'll have many options. don't care what you look like.

[exitseven]

Getting a muscular build will get you noticed. However it is the confidence that you will gain that will make a big difference.

[Asker]

A lot of men don't associate confidence with being muscular. For example you will find these very skinny guys in universities who have never worked out before in their lives but have ridiculously high self esteem because of their academic achievements. Not saying that it's necessarily a good thing because grades don't mean much outside school.

[exitseven]

There is more than one way to have confidence. If you know that you can push a car out of a snow bank or jump in the ocean and save a drowning person it will change the way you interact with the world.

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO😎

[Zestyassmf1997]

No. Cause you can go to the gym and still be uggo. But there’s no reason not to be your best self anyway.

[Anonymous]

Personality.