A guy that had behaved respectfully on first and second dates, suggested that we can cook something together. How do I word my rejection in this idea?

[Anonymous]

I've been on 2 dates with this one guy. He had behaved respectfully for the first 2 dates. Some guys would be putting their arms around me, or hand on my hip, within first 2 dates. This guy held my hand as we walked and had conversations after lunch.

He also didn't try to kiss me like some guys would've done in within first 2 dates. I like that he hasn't been disrespectful, but he suggested that we can cook something together since we both love cooking (it's true).

Then it would either be his place, or my place, and I don't feel comfortable meeting at a private place for a third date, for my safety (even though he had not shown disrespect to me). I also don't go to a guy's place or take a guy home unless I'm in a relationship with him (for my own standard and boundary).

I'm not being unreasonable, am I? I've been criticized before when I told certain people that I wouldn't kiss a guy unless I'm in a relationship with him.

How should I word my rejection in his idea, and what would be an alternative? I'm thinking about attending a cooking class, but I'll have to see if I can find one near us.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Updates

+1 y

I would like to meet this guy, just not in a private place. What is a good way to reject his idea, instead of reflecting him altogether, or lying/making excuses?

[Oliverlogan263]

Hey, I get where you're coming from with wanting to take things slow. There's nothing wrong with having boundaries to feel comfortable.

For how to respond, I'd just keep it light and suggest an alternative like "Thanks for the invite, but cooking at one of our places might be moving a little fast for me right now. What do you think about checking out that new cooking class downtown instead? Could be a fun way for us to learn something new together."

That way you're saying no respectfully without accusing him of anything, and proposing something public where you'll both feel safe.

If he pushes on the private cooking, you can be more direct but still nice "I'm really enjoying getting to know you, just want to take our time before being alone together. The class sounds like a better fit for now."

Any decent guy will understand. Don't doubt yourself - having standards helps weed out anyone who wouldn't respect you. Hope this helps! Let me know if you guys end up at that class.

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer! If I can find a class, I can go with this route. If I can't find one nearby (that's affordable) what should I suggest? Thank you again.

[Asker]

Instead of "moving too fast" what else can I say? Since he and I are not in a relationship yet. It's not like we're moving the relationship too fast.

For me it's comfort level but sure don't want to accuse him of having improper intentions if he doesn't.

I noticed he has used these Emojis 😍😘 after second date. We did spent a lot of time on first and second dates and have had long text conversations, so I don't know if he thinks he's ready for a relationship since we haven't had a conversation about this.

Although I personally would prefer a few more dates, but at the same time I feel that I could date a guy for months, but won't see his true color until we're in a relationship for some time and move in together. That was what happened with my previous relationship. When you spend more time with someone in the same living space, and encounter situations that you otherwise wouldn't encounter, then you get to see someone's true color.

[Asker]

And I totally agree with your last paragraph. I do believe that having standards is the way to filter out guys with indecent intentions.

So far I've only found one cupcake baking class in the state he and I live. We both love desserts. I just wish I had more alternatives to cooking alone.

[Asker]

Actually, these were his words, that he was "thinking we could cook a nice meal together, since we both like cooking."

I think it's my fault for assuming that he meant privately, although I thought that's an obvious answer, but I don't want to act like I'm hard to get and say "Good idea, but where can we cook?"

[Asker]

Unless I can say "Good idea! I found this cupcake making event at _____ on [date]. What are your thoughts?"

How does that sound?

It's actually going to be held at a place and he and I had talked about during our second date. He said he'd not been there.

[Oliverlogan263]

If you can't find an accessible cooking class, here are some other date ideas you could suggest as alternatives to cooking at one of your places:

- A picnic in the park. Suggest bringing some ingredients to cook together at a public picnic table. That way you're still doing something related to cooking but in an open public space.

- Cooking demo at a store. A lot of kitchen supply stores do free cooking demos you can watch. It's interactive but not private.

- Baking/cooking class further out. If you're willing to travel a bit further for a class, he'll know you're interested in finding an option.

- Museum/zoo then food. Suggest combining an activity like going to a museum or zoo together first to get to know each other better in public. Then grab a casual bite to eat after.

- Coffee shop cooking challenge. See who can make the best dish using only ingredients from the coffee shop. Fun competition in a public space.

I'd focus on finding any interactive food-related option versus just a typical sit-down dinner, since cooking together was his suggestion. As long as it's in a public place where you both feel comfortable, I'm sure he'll appreciate the effort to find an alternative. Let me know if any of those ideas could work!

[Oliverlogan263]

You make a good point, luv. Saying you're "moving too fast" kind of implies things about him when it's really just your comfort level, not anything he's doing wrong.

I think suggesting the cupcake class is a great idea! Mentioning you found that event at the place you both talked about is perfect. It shows you were listening when you hung out, and that you put thought into finding an alternative activity.

If he brings up cooking privately again, you can just say something like "I'm really enjoying getting to know you better. For now though, I prefer keeping our dates in public settings. Something low-key like the cupcake class would be fun."

That way you're making it about your preferences right now versus anything about him. And who doesn't love desserts, right? Baking together could be a really cute date.

I'm sure if you frame it positively like that and keep the lines of communication open, he'll understand where you're coming from. Your comfort is important, and finding activities you both enjoy is a win-win. Good luck! Let me know how the cupcake date goes if he's up for it.

[Asker]

Thank you for the detailed replies.

I like the idea of cooking/picnic on park, but how do people cook in a park? I don't know if there are appliances where we can cook on?

I told him about the cupcake workshop and he said it's too far, and elaborated that he was thinking about cooking at either of our places, and we could get what I like to drink (it's non alcoholic. I told him about that months ago).

That place is about an hour from where I live, and probably almost 2 hours or 1 hour 40 min from where he lives.

I usually type my messages as drafts before replying to him, since I find it better. This is what I have:

"As much as I like the idea of cooking together, I feel that meeting at home after 2 dates is too soon, but would love to do that in the near future. That's with guys in general, it's not just you, so don't take it personally, even though I think you've been respectful from what I've seen so far."

I thought I'll clarify that I did acknowledge the fact that he's been respectful.

I also have a line which says I don't bring a guy home unless I'm in a relationship with him. I'm not sure if it's necessary to tell him that I'm not that kind of woman who'd bring any guy home?

He lives south of me, and the place is north of both of us. I have another paragraph suggesting carpooling. I typed that he could meet me and I'll drive the rest of the distance (I wouldn't tell him my address of course. It'd be a public parking lot close to where I live).

I summarized the carpooling paragraph with "if you're up for this idea? Let me know what you think 🙂 I can show you my playlist for the drive!"

[Asker]

What do you think of my responses? They're all in my drafts 😄

[Asker]

Honestly I'm waiting for him to say if he wants to be in a relationship with me or not. I think cooking alone is pretty intimate, since I don't see people cooking together as non couple, not to mention alone, and people do get really close when cooking together, that's why I say it's intimate.

[Asker]

But I can see if he thinks it's too soon to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with me or not, since we've only been on 2 dates, even though we did spent a lot of time and have been having long text conversations in between.

Looking at your other suggestions, he and I did visit a museum. We went to lunch first then museum. We've also done lunch and desserts, and walking while talking (the walk between those places.)

We spent about 4-5 hours on first and second dates, respectively. Do you think that'd justify meeting privately for a third date? I believe that he's probably not dangerous to be alone with, safety wise, but to me, the potential of getting intimate is a major factor as to why I wouldn't meet alone. I don't sleep with a guy that I'm not in a relationship with, that's why I think meeting privately on third date is too soon. However, if he'd had enough info to decide that he wanted to be in a serious relationship with me, I would think a little differently about meeting alone.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang luv, this all seems pretty complicated! Props to you for typing out draft responses though, that's definitely smart to think it through.

From what you said here it sounds like your responses are respectful while also making your boundaries clear. I think acknowledging he's been respectful so far is a good touch.

As for cooking in the park, maybe you could suggest a picnic instead? Pack some snacks you both can share, plus the drinks you mentioned. That way it's still spending time together doing food stuff outdoors, without needing appliances.

The carpool idea could work too if he's up for a bit of a drive. Offering your playlist is a nice touch so the drive doesn't feel too long!

Overall it looks like you're handling this well - being honest about wanting to take it slow, while still leaving the door open for future dates once you're both more comfortable. As long as you stick to your guns politely, a good guy will respect where you're coming from. Let me know if any other advice comes up!

[Oliverlogan263]

Hey I get where you're coming from. Cooking together does seem pretty intimate, since yeah you're right that usually couples do that type of thing alone.

And 4-5 hours for the first two dates is definitely solid time to spend together and get to know each other better. From my perspective though, I'd say two actual dates is still pretty early to decide on being exclusive or calling it a relationship officially.

That being said, it does sound like this guy really likes you and your time together so far has been going well. If you're feeling him too and want things to progress, maybe have a chat about where you both see things going?

Like you could mention you've enjoyed your dates, but privately cooking so soon would make you uncomfortable unless you both agree you want something serious. Hear where his head is at too. Compromising on a third public date option for now shows you're on the same page about taking it slow at first.

Either way, good on you for knowing your comfort levels and boundaries. Safety is important, but an honest conversation could help figure out if you guys want the same things in the end. Hope it works out! Keep me posted.

[CountryWanderer]

You can tell him you aren't ready to be in a private space with him

[Asker]

His text was that he was "thinking maybe we could cook a nice meal together, since we both like cooking."

Maybe I'm making assumption that he meant privately, but I think it's an obvious answer because where else would we cook?

I did find a cupcake making workshop. I'm thinking about suggesting that since he and I both like desserts as well.

[laly520]

just say u can't make it

[Asker]

I'd prefer to be honest and communicate, than to make up a lie 😅

[laly520]

no need to lie
say u can't make it in direct way

[Asker]

I'd prefer to let him know that I don't feel comfortable, and see what his reaction is