Lack of communication?

[Anonymous]

Can someone please give me advice. I matched with a guy on a dating app and we are in two different countries. We have stated that we are exclusively getting to know each other and to let the other person knows if that changes. I made us take the attachment test and we found out that he’s secure and I’m anxious. Because of the time differences we aren’t able to speak for that long however during the day we don’t have that much communication (which is bothering me). They message me in the morning and I message them back and I don’t hear from them until 11pm their time, which is when they are about to go to sleep. I’ve mentioned that I don’t like their communication style and they say they’ll work on it but it’s gotten worse tbh. I know they are busy and have a lot on their plate, so I’m trying to be understanding but it’s getting to me. I like is it a me issue or we just aren’t compatible. How am i suppose to get to know someone if we aren’t in communication… I don't know or am I being childish? I’ve always been huge on communication but I’m like is it bc I truly care about it or is it my attachment style playing a part in it. Also, we’ve only known each other for 3 months so it’s fairly new. Am I putting too much expectation on it? I don’t want to keep bringing it up because I have like 4 times. Should I end it because of communication issue. I do like him, his morals etc, there are something I don’t agree with him (which I think is normal bc it’s not everything you’ll agree with someone on) & I’d like to continue knowing him but I don’t know if I should. Someone please advise & thank you.

End getting to know him

Continue getting to know him

[Anonymous]

Dating people is difficult, and dating someone in another country the most difficult.

Honestly, as someone whos tried that, I would say its a bad idea. there's a heap of reasons why:

• It's incredibly difficult to relocate (unless your detached in your country of origin and then its usally difficult for the partner because that puts huge pressure on their relations and bringing in a strange into that situation)
• There are very many scammers out there (too many people today are using online to setup marks for exploitation financially or to get themselves out of a country which is troubled, or in which they find themselve in trouble)
• Even assuming everything is legitimate, its really difficult to sync up timezones. For example I move to New Zealand to date my now ex-gf and it didn't work out (though we only discoverd that really after over 3 years together).
• Keeping in touch with people you love abroad is stressful. Even when your really loving / enjoying every moment you have together, you still have work and life where you live.

Regarding: Am I putting too much expectation on it?

A little yes. It's not important how long it takes to get back to you, so much as their obvious mood when they can talk to you in person. Text messages don't count for much if anything, it's not that they aren't important, its just way too easy for the reader to put their spin on things (for better or worse).

So, what counts is the other persons call quality when they can communicate and how much time they put aside to spend with you in the communication format you have.

If someone is spending up to 8 hours per week talking with you, or even better video calling with you, that's a good indicator their serious. The problem is, like I mention, its also the minimum expected amount a scammer would make to try to get you to trust them so they can push you toward some money footing (and the common way to do that is some kind of funding so they can get to you).

I would say, unless your feeling completely in love and like this person is the one you would hate to get away. Just be good friends and see if they are inclined to come to you (or your inclined to visit them). Once you've spent actual time together you can better judge, but be safe in setting that up if you decide too.

Best of luck

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your comment! Everything you said is very correct. A part of me is hopeful because some LDR do work but I guess you never know until you try it. He hasn’t asked me for money atm & we are planning on visiting each other soon in my home country. We talked about if we do work and the long distances. I’m open to moving to another country but like you said it would be difficult to sync with my loved ones. Ugh I don’t know, I’m so conflicted on what to do and how to feel.

You made an excellent point about the quality & making effort. Because he does stay up to 3am to talk to me on ft even tho he would have work the next day. This week he wasn’t able to do that because he had a lot going on and it made me sad haha.

[Opinion Owner]

Smile. yeah, its familar. Having done the 'move to another country to see if things work out' thing. I mostly don't regret the move, even though the original reason for moving isn't applying.

I would say its definitely worth trying. If it can work its special.

Best of luck, and always makes me smile hearing in someones wrtiing that little thril of something going right.

[Sameone]

My dear
Long relationship never works 💔
Sorry to tell this

[DaisyM23]

i think you're too young to be hung up on a long distance relationship - which two countries are you guys from, there's a difference between like spain and france and spain and america for example... - if you have anxious attachment and need reassurance through good communication, it will be VERY hard to do so with different time zones, even if you both put the effort in, you can't control your schedules to match everyday with each other solely through texts - 3 months is a fairly longish relationship even though you haven't put any labels on this minus the exclusive thing
i think there are more problems than benefits with this type of relationship but i don't know the full story, do what you want

[Asker]

Ugh it seems like everyone is giving advice on ending it. It hurts me ahaha. We are in America and Germany.

[DaisyM23]

okay yeah america and germany are VERY different, how do you see this playing out long term? one of you would have to move
i think even if you like someone you need to be logical about it too, if you think it can work out then go for it but i would say there's no point

[HollyK21]

Never try to make it work with someone you just met. The whole point of dating apps besides hooking up is to meet the right person, so if this isn’t working out then move on and continue your journey. Already the situation is precarious because you’re in different countries, but with little communication it’s just hard to make progress. This isn’t the right guy for you.

[Asker]

You saying that breaks my heart lol💔 why is dating so hard. I mentioned the long distances to them and they say we will make it work. I’m like love isn’t one size fits all but at the same time I’m like am I just making excuses because I like the guy and hope it works out. How do you even know if it’s the right guy or the right choice?

[HollyK21]

I’m so sorry, dating can be so daunting. You’re very right, love isn’t a one size fits all, it takes work — but from both parties. With any LDR one of the most important aspects is communication, and when it comes to that with him it’s like you’re traveling both lengths of a two way road. I get that you’ve come to really like this guy, but you should never have to adjust your standards in order to keep a guy. You will find your person, there’s no rush, and nothing tying you to this man. Let him go and have faith the right person will come. At most you should be disappointed, not broken hearted or deeply hurt, it’s too soon for that. It will be ok❤️

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I just asked him if he thinks we should take a break. Can I keep messaging you to update you, if you’re okay with that?

[HollyK21]

Nothing is wrong with that question, but the thing is what will change if he says yes? You already tried addressing the lack of communication, more than once, and he still does this.

Sometimes you have to think of the broader spectrum of things, and to be honest with yourself about what you’re signing up for. You wrote that communication is very important, so why settle for someone who isn’t respecting that very important boundary? You truly aren’t asking for much. And absolutely! You are more than welcome to reach out and keep me updated, I’m here for support❤️☺️

[Asker]

He hasn’t replied to the message. But he is on social media. I guess no reply is an answer💔💔💔 I’m sad but I guess we move on. I thought he was different

[Asker]

We ended it💔 I’m sad but I guess it was needed

[HollyK21]

I’m so sorry, but I want to be honest here and I think you set your expectations too high too soon. You should never form attachments until he is your actual boyfriend. To be this heartbroken over a short talking stage isn’t healthy. I sympathize with you of course, I know how hard the dating scene is and grateful to be off it. Still, you have to navigate dating in a much smarter way.

[Asker]

Thank you. What are your tips for navigating dating in a healthy way

[Anonymous]

You can try

[Asker]

Why do you think so?

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe you are into him

[Asker]

I am lol. We’ve never seen each other in person and plan on doing so in the upcoming months

[Opinion Owner]

Good