Boyfriend has a new "rule" and I don't know what to do about it. What do I say to him?

Question

Lliam · Accepted Answer

He didn't make a rule. He just told you that he was just going to accept your word.

If I ask my wife what is wrong and she said "Nothing", I might say "Are you sure? It looks like something is troubling you."
At that point, if she says "I'm fine", I'll take her word for it.

I actually hate it when I say I'm fine or nothing is bothering me and a person keeps bugging me.
I either meant that nothing is wrong or that I don't want to talk about it right now. Either way, it's really annoying if they keep bugging me.

So, if something is wrong and he asks if everything is okay, instead of saying "I'm fine", give him a hint. Are you mad at him or was it something else?
If you're mad at him for some reason, let him know. Don't torture him with a guilt trip.

Also, he does care about you or he wouldn't have asked if anything was wrong in the first place.

You're only damaging your relationship if you play mind games and try to make him feel guilty and suffer.

Honest, calm, non-judgemental communication is the key to a happy relationship. Be honest about what he did to upset you, then listen to his explanation. Don't assume his intentions until you hear his side. He didn't hurt you on purpose. And I'm sure he'll try to make amends or endeavor not to do it again.

If you love him, communicate that, as well, while you explain how his unintentional action made you feel. Talk about feelings, not blame. You are entitled to your feelings. They are legitimate. But it's not healthy to blame him or hold a grudge.

If you are bothered by something else and not with him, but don't feel like going into it, just say that.

NamerOfStars · Accepted Answer

You say "That makes sense, and I'm sorry I haven't been upfront with you". If he asks how you are and you say "Fine" when you're not fine, especially when you in fact want him to do something, you are lying to him. Now, not all lies are equal; it's not like you're hiding something untoward (presumably), but you're essentially being bothered by his failure to read your mind. See, when he asks you what's wrong, "showing he cares" is exactly what he's doing- he's trying to find out what the problem is. Exchanging information in a quick and efficient manner is the entire reason we invented language. If you want more from him, that's fine; but you need to tell him what it is. All he's asking is that you be honest with him; that's not unreasonable.

Consider: would you rather he assumed you were lying? Or: how would you feel if HE expected you to fulfill his desires while refusing to tell you what they were, even after you asked directly? You'd think he was being a childish buffoon, and, well, it's really no different when it's going in the other direction.

Yes, it's true that many women engage in this foolish behavior, but many women also write love letters to serial killers, wear profoundly uncomfortable shoes that damage their bodies, and then waste their autumn years looking back and lamenting the mistakes of their youth. Why not learn from the past and do something wiser?

TheRealPepperPotts · Accepted Answer

I lean toward your boyfriend's view on this, and here's why: You have a habit that you probably picked up from childhood, of coding your needs. It's a defense mechanism because clear communication was not safe or was not demonstrated for you. Vulnerability was not safe or acceptable, I suspect.

When we are upset, and then say we are fine, we are miscommunicating and using coding to test the waters to see if it is indeed safe to be vulnerable. If your boyfriend grew up in a different environment, or has learned clear communication, coding is going to be a mystery to him. He is letting you know that he is not going to participate in this non-communication anymore.

So you have a few choices: You can dump him for his honesty because you view this as his lack of concern. You can adjust your response slightly and say what's actually going on, or tell him you want to discuss it later. Or, you can tell him you don't accept his rule and you expect him to make one further inquiry when you say you are fine. It's up to you.

XHopelessRomanticX · Accepted Answer

You need to understand that men do not think the same way that women do, so don’t assume that your boyfriend is going to think the same way that you do. He’s not going to. Part of being in a  healthy  relationship is communication. So if you want him to care about your problems, then you need to be honest about having them. Saying “I’m fine,” when you’re not fine, is not being honest. Men tend to take our words at face value, so allow your words to have value by being truthful.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

He is aggravated and frustrated with you because you have turned communication into a game, and you want to test his devotion to you. Guys resent being tested. NEVER ask him if he would peel an orange for you, or any other such silly nonsense.

If you are troubled and he asks what is wrong, he has already made an effort that shows that he cares. You are playing a little girls game and it is time to grow up. He deserves an apology.

AviatorTom · Answer

As you said, we guys are not good at reading a woman's mind. All he's asking you is to be honest.

HollyK21 · Answer

Notice how with most men it’s either their way or the highway. He isn’t compromising his boundaries or standards, in fact he’s setting MORE terms to be with him, so my question is why accommodate when it’s outside of your own boundaries and comfort? Compromising is one thing, sacrificing your morals for a man is entirely different.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

Did the same thing to my girl and after maybe 10 days, all of a sudden we were both in a better mood, we didn't argue as much, she felt more respected in the relationship, we had sex more often, her anxiety problems went away for the longest period of time I'd ever seen since I met her.

Now that I think of it, it wasn't long after that that she stopped doing this weird, almost sleepwalking thing.

That "I'm fine" crap is 5 year old having a pretend tea party level of maturity. He's smart for realizing that you can't possibly have a worthwhile relationship if you both take pettyness as an acceptable answer.

You're in love with eachother right? Since when do we punish people we love for trying to connect with us and heal us?

thatshydork · Answer

For me, if I say I’m fine when I’m not, it’s because I don’t want to talk any further about my issue. I will talk about it when I am ready to do so and if someone keeps asking me about why I’m upset, it just makes me more upset.

However, I understand most women aren’t like that which is fine.

In this situation, I suggest maybe telling him things that will help to cheer you up that he could do like buy you your favorite sweets or take you somewhere (doesn’t have to be expensive, could just be a walk to a park or something). Also, you could say something like “I’m a little upset, but I don’t want to talk about it” or “I’m a bit upset about something and could use some comfort.”

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

His rule is actually a good one. I'm having the same problem but not when talking to him, but with others.
He's your partner and he's there for you. So if something is wrong you tell him straight up if something is wrong. The more clear the communication is, the easier life gets for everyone.

DishLady · Answer

That’s a good rule. 😂 Don’t do anything!!!

A guy with good horse sense apparently knows that “NOTHING”/“I’M FINE” is a loaded answer… few want to venture past the surface to unlock that Pandora’s Box.

If you’re stewing over something and say “nothing” it indicates you don’t want to talk about it, which given the rule in question will then allow your man to go fret about/“fix” something else. Why he made the rule: It’s incredibly annoying for the guy to try to coax intel out of their girl — to them it seems like we’re just “hiding” something. Also, sometimes our “nothing” is about something we need to fix on our own anyway, so… why not just let him go about his business? Why make him worry about s**t he can’t “fix”?

And don’t use “nothing” about something that IS about something he needs to fix.

GOLDFISH_smile · Answer

Instead of saying you're fine or nothing wrong, just say "I don't want to talk about it right now" or "I think it's clear what's wrong and would like you to figure it out, instead of just asking me to explain it." Whichever is true.

admles · Answer

You tell him this is a great idea.

Basically, he is showing you that he doesn't like childish games, he wants to converse like an adult.

If something is clearly wrong, and he asks you, then be an adult and answer him. Playing the game of making him ask over and over again is just ridiculous, it doesn't "show he cares", it just shows you're immature.

serious · Answer

Well, yes what you are saying is right. However, you should know that men go by logic and so him being a good boyfriend will not enforce you into saying anything if you don't want too.

That is respecting your wish. What is your problem with that?

Nirmroth · Answer

This does get exhausting, I can understand your boyfriend.

MisterWack · Answer

“Guys don’t”, umm to create such a rule would be to know.

”From now on I’ll just assume you don’t want it”. Then just object to the rule instead of asking on GAG, explain to him that it would hurt your feelings if this rule gets implemented.

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I read this question, and I just don't give a fuck.  Have you considered doing drugs? Shit, I might. I read this question... I deserve some fucking drugs.

Likes2drive · Answer

All men know when you say that “nothing “ or “fine “ we know you’re not but don’t exactly know what to do since we can’t read your mind but guys that have known you awhile will get better at finding out what you want. Guys want you to be direct with them and not beat around the bush

BadApple69 · Answer

So here is the issue. You need to talk to your boyfriend (NOT WHEN THERE IS A PROBLEM… BEFORE). Tell him when you are upset you might not want to talk about it or might just want to vent. It’s men’s nature to try and fix problems and that’s what we will try…. Tell him in those situations you are not looking for solutions but some understanding and maybe just hugs.
This is a failure of most men…. We think we can solve anything.

some6one9 · Answer

Lol, I had to do the same thing! You should communicate before hand better how and reasonably make him understand how to take care in such situations and what he can do about it. Otherwise, many times it's too much effort when you ask like 10times and she still gives the same answer. It's frustrating to experience that she doesn't respond to my efforts

slatyb · Answer

You behave like a healthy adult and tell him how you really feel instead of expecting him to read your mind. Were you raised in a home where it wasn't safe to express your feelings?

Red_Arrow · Answer

He showed effort! He asked you. You replied with a lie, "nothing"/ What do you expect?

HighValue · Answer

He is in the right. Saying you are fine and then expecting him to magically know that something is wrong means you need better communication skills. If you can't tell your partner the truth, you are not mature enough for a relationship.

Maebo44 · Answer

If i say “nothing is wrong” or “im fine”, it’s because i want to be left alone. I need some space to calm down.

We are both women and we want different things when we say that sentence. That says enough. He can't read your mind. So, dont expect him too. Just be straight forward and save everyone time and energy.

Good and clear communication (from both sides) is so important if you want to have a good relationship.

Anonymous · Answer

Why wouldn't he assume you're telling the truth? Why should he have to keep asking you what's wrong?

Girl, you are the problem here. I can understand his frustration and I don't blame him for his new rule. How about you be honest and transparent about your emotions instead of expecting him to read your mind or keep asking what's wrong?

I don't appreciate the reputation women like you give the rest of us.

sheikalana · Answer

Stop playing games and being childish instead of say ‘nothing’ ‘fine’ to get his attention just say what’s going on cuz men are not mind readers.

Dongie · Answer

Tell him you're a whiny little baby and expect him to molly cuddle you.

No, just kidding. Tell him you feel alone, vulnerable, needing some support because life is hard. Express your feelings. I'm sure he will appreciate it. The way you say you girls go about it makes us men feel as tho we are being used and manipulated.

lightbulb27 · Answer

Tell him that makes sense, but girls have not evolved yet in the last 10,000 years, so it is better if he keeps asking questions until you get upset. Then once you express yourself and calm down, then he is done.

HawkPerception · Answer

He's mature and you're not. Stop playing the games and communicate openly and honestly. You are in the wrong here

LazerBean · Answer

You can either say "yeah okay I will stop being a stupid bitch and lying whenever you ask if I'm okay" Or you can suck it up and let him treat your pettiness with his own pettiness.

Staximus · Answer

You could try being an effective communicator and speaking your mind, instead of playing games and saying nothing is wrong when something obviously is

Minky17 · Answer

Well that makes sense. You can tell him you'll talk about it at a later time.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

Stop lying when he asks. The game you’re playing is childish. He intends to date an adult. If you can’t behave like one, you will lose him.

Unit1 · Answer

That's a you problem. If you can't communicate normally ( and its not language barriers i see), then that's on you. Don't blame it on boys.

Basement-Bum · Answer

First quit giving him sex. Then stop cleaning his bed. Then stop cooking him food. If he still doesn't investigate what's wrong, just dump him.

In_Trance · Answer

You're the problem here.  You're not a child. If you're asked a question then answer it honestly.  And people wonder why there's communication issues in relationships...

SotiCoto · Answer

His rule is 100% reasonable.   What you should say is that you agree, that he is right, and that you will abide by the rule.  Then you abide by the rule.

Seinna · Answer

Men who want women to act like men and women who want men to act like women should just date their own sex.

CrabCakes11 · Answer

That’s a reasonable rule. Stop being a child and properly communicate with your boyfriend

handsomelad70 · Answer

Stop playing games and relate to him as a real woman and tell him your problem. We men want to know what's bothering our lady.

HaleyWalker · Answer

That's difficult I need to think for a second but I see this and I want to give an opinion

JacobJordan · Answer

Then don't lie. If he asked and you lied that is your problem now. If he asked and you told the truth and he didn't care that is his problem

Morgan_L · Answer

He can make any “Rules he wants “ but he better not expect any 🍒 if he knows whats good for him. 😂

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Try telling the truth. Guys are simple creatures.

msc545 · Answer

Actually tell him what is wrong. Men get sick of women's manipulations.

Anonymous · Answer

Man--this guy sounds like a TON of fun! Whenever I've introduced a new "rule" to a girl, it was usually something like, "no clothes are allowed in bed." Way more fun as a rule!

OddBeMe · Answer

interesting. on one hand I can understand it if you have tendency to complain without explanation. but... humans should have a right to bitch and moan and not have their loved ones upset

Nikki1989 · Answer

You should make a rule that your boyfriend can no longer make rules.

JesseP1nk · Answer

Say you are crazy bitch that does not say what she actually means and he needs to be psychic.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Why not be direct with what's bothering you rather than set up juvenile ego traps?

Alex-Snow · Answer

There need to be some kind of compromise. Talk openly about things as much as possible

Anonymous · Answer

You're 25 years old, no husband, no kids. Reflect on that then read your question back to yourself

KrakenAttackin · Answer

How about you be a fucking adult and communicate?

Twalli · Answer

Maybe tell him what your issue is, guys don't hide their issues

Knightwatch27 · Answer

Perhaps just learn to communicate properly instead of playing games like a healthy person.

dustybiker2 · Answer

Tell him you will stop playing games.

Bestdia · Answer

It's good practice being legit...

jjj101010 · Answer

Start telling him what’s wrong when he asks?

LiamJHayden · Answer

He's tired of that game. Just be honest.

sirderpsalot123 · Answer

I told my girlfriend the same thing lol

es20490446e · Answer

It looks like chess.

Pterodon · Answer

Well do you agree with it or not?

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Just be honest and tell him how you feel

MatureMan40 · Answer

Tell him this directly.

Boyfriend has a new "rule" and I don't know what to do about it. What do I say to him?

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Boyfriend has a new "rule" and I don't know what to do about it. What do I say to him?

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Boyfriend isn't respecting my new boundaries, what do I do?

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