Boyfriend isn't respecting my new boundaries, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

Well, not new boundaries per se, but more a desire to remove them.

I have decided that I want no walls in my relationship - physical and virtual.

So, no passwords that aren't shared, no locking each other out of devices. Free to go through the other's messages / mail / voice mail / computer.

No locking the bathroom while using it - I want us to have complete and utter access to each other. Total openness. What's mine is his and what's his is mine, everything is ours.

He said that this won't be happening, and we've been fighting over it, he feels it's too invasive, I feel it will make us a better couple.

Updates

+1 y

You people really don’t get it.

It’s about being COMPLETELY OPEN IN THE RELATIONSHIP!

[btbc92]

Let him go. Simple as that. Respect is a choice. And he chose not to respect you. However, what your doing is no boundaries, it's controlled and it's abusive. He is right. That doesn't make the relationship better, that is no relationship. You're not married to be making those rules. Imagine if there was no wall of China. Would China be here today? NO. This is why the wall was built, to keep invaders out of China. And that is just an example. This is a red flag from you and he is the one who needs to leave you. As much as I desire empathy and closeness with my relationships with people like family and friends, I would never do something like invading a person privacy or any of that stuff, even in a relationship. And I never dated ever! When you're married then you can make those rules but you find ways to make it about TRUST and not control together. Not what you're doing. If you have serious trust issues please leave the relationship. Don't stay in a relationship you cannot expect to trust your partner.

[btbc92]

Asker, you do not know what being open is. Being open requires trust. And you cannot make a person trust you when you have distrust yourself. You're the cause of your misery.

[nevernevernever]

That's not you setting boundaries, that's you being possessive/controlling in a really toxic way. can't lock the bathroom door? What is wrong with you?

[abc3643]

Yeah, that's a bad idea.
EVERY PERSON IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD NEEDS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PRIVACY OR THEY WILL GO INSANE AND/OR START KILLING OTHER PEOPLE.

And, it's not just people. Other mammals have these issues too.

So, if you want to destroy your relationship, keep pressing for that.

HOWEVER, I want to mention one more very important thing... and old adage that is one of the most important...

>>>> Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

You THINK you want complete openness and sharing... until YOU don't and want or need some privacy of your own. Remember that.

[abc3643]

For instance, if you want total openness, then let him read this question - and all of your questions and opinions on G@G.

... But you won't. You don't even have the gumption necessary to post this question with your actual user name. Well, I guess that's a good thing so then your boyfriend won't know this is you if he gets to check-out your browser history and visit this page. You want complete sharing and openness right?

>>> Put your money where your mouth is...

[abc3643]

RESPONSE TO UPDATE:
YOU are the one not getting it.

What you want is idealistic, but the reality is that everyone - including you - needs a certain amount of privacy AND that they are trusted.

Your "complete openness" policy isn't completely open, in a way. It reminds me of this phrase from the 1980s regarding arms control treaties: "Trust, but verify".

By sharing passwords, that has nothing at all to do with openness, but has to do with your insecurity. You don't need his password. You want it because if your have it then you can verify that he's not fucking around or otherwise doing something that you don't like. That's not trusting him.

HOWEVER,...

I need to tell you something else and, believe me, I am trying to help you here...
Males are evolved differently than females. Much differently. And I am not talking about boobs, penises, and vaginas.

(more)

[abc3643]

Females are communal and easily share information. Why? Because, from an evolutionary perspective, it is best to do so. Mutual co-operation among mothers is what keeps kids alive and the communal group functioning.

Males are evolved to speak little and not share much information. This is because males understand that information = power. When you have information about an enemy or predator or prey, that may help you defeat or kill them. In all three cases, that keeps you alive and helps your family survive. At the same time, if an enemy or predator or prey has information about you, that helps them defeat or kill you or, in the case of prey, not be killed by you. In all three cases, this makes it more difficult for you and your family to survive.

So, bottom ine, a male does not like to share information about himself because it doesn't benefit him much and can hurt him.

====

If you want complete openness, don't demand it. If he loves you and trusts you, then he will give it to you freely... including sharing passwords. If you demand it, though, end your relationship and, in fact, don't bother getting into any other relationships with men because they will all fail. At that point, take up lesbianism because it'll be the only way that you MIGHT have the "complete openness" that you want.

[OlderAndWiser]

com·pro·mise
/ˈkämprəˌmīz/
Learn to pronounce
noun
an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
"an ability to listen to two sides in a dispute, and devise a compromise acceptable to both"

Think about it.

[Mofunfour20]

Dont try to change him when you never negotiated these terms in the beginning of the relationship. you're asking him to be someone he isn't, which is selfish. you're gonna push him away because you're insecure about his boundaries because he wants a sense of peace and privacy. Your terms for no passwords or boundaries only feed into your suspicions

[The_Maphio]

No privacy whatsoever? Personally I'd leave you.
Being in a couple doesn't mean that one hasn't the right to their own things remaining their own or their privacy being taken away.
Even if boundaries are softer in a working relationship, alone time and personal spaces are a must that should never be touched. You're asking for trouble.

[princeofromance]

That is not a matter of boundaries at all. You are showing a lack of trust in your man. It is very childish and immature to go through someone's phone and other devices. If I were him, I would leave you in a heartbeat. Words of advice - Learn to be a bit more trusting, and a lot less controlling. That destroys the relationship in no time flat.

[kyleelyn199723]

😬 girl you sound controlling as hell. No locking bathroom doors? Why won’t you let your man take a poop in peace? If you don’t trust him, just say it.

[snackthatsmilesback]

Sounds like you're not respecting his boundaries, actually. Have you thought about it like that? Things like this have to be agreed on together or they will go very bad.

[HongKongMong]

You can be "COMPLETELY OPEN IN THE RELATIONSHIP!" and still retain basic privacy; just because I don't want my girlfriend to read my emails or go through my phone/computer doesn't mean I don't trust her. How exactly will having access to all of his social media and stuff make you a better couple? It'd just cause more problems, like it already is now.

And "no locking the bathroom"? Are you fucking insane?

[Anonymous]

I actually like your ideas.
I would be totally open to that, I think total transparency is hot.
That's the only way I would ever trust again.
People with nothing to hide will hide nothing.

[Opinion Owner]

The guys downvoting me have got some stuff to hide. 😅

[exitseven]

Everyone needs privacy. I would not want my wife walking in on me if I was sitting on the potty and we have been married 25 years.
Maybe swap passwords and bank info but everyone needs privacy.

[Ironic_Method]

I wouldn't want to be in that relationship, you sound too controlling. Why do you want his passwords? How will it bring you together?

[Redstang88]

I’m with him. My personal stuff is mine, if a girl wants to see it she obviously doesn’t trust me and there’s no reason to be together

[JamieLoves]

Who are you to decide what he does?
You don’t own him! People need privacy.
He’s going to dump your stupid ass and you deserve it...

[Joshua0213]

Sounds more like you are controlling then him not respecting you boundaries which have to be agreed on together for them to actually work.

[fred_durst]

i dont think you can make him change his mind , unless you are using something black magic or hypnotism to him

[msc545]

Get new boundaries or a new boyfriend. That said, very few people will agree to your suggestion of a complete invasion of each other's privacy.

[Anonymous]

It’s too invasive

no locking the bathroom
🤔 tf

[Anonymous]

Leave him
Find somewhere that would be acceptable such as a maximum security prison

[Nachowedgie]

you're not respecting his boundaries

[JamesRandiDebates]

He needs to dump your controlling ass ASAP

[SandandWaves]

have you watched the movie, Psycho?

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I agree with you I believe the way you do