Do you think it's possible for a smoker and non-smoker to have a successful long-term relationship together?

[Anonymous]

I just started dating a girl who smokes regularly. I don't like that. But there are tons of things about her I do like. That is why I want to continue to see her even though I hate the fact that she smokes. Do you think it can work long-term?

Yes, it can definitely work.

No, not really. Eventually the smoking will both you, especially as you get closer and spend more time together.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo man that's a tough call. Smoking can really be a dealbreaker for some people in a relationship. And it's not good for your health either of course.

But I don't think it necessarily means it can't work long term. A lot depends on how serious you both are about each other and if you can find a compromise. Like maybe she only smokes outside or agrees not to do it around you. And you'll have to decide if you can deal with the smell and such over time.

Communication is key. You'll need to be really honest about how much it bothers you. And she'll need to be willing to cut back or quit someday if it gets serious. Could also help if she's open to nicotine replacements or something to ease off slowly.

If you really like her otherwise, it may be worth a try. But you gotta go into it eyes open that it could still be a dealbreaker down the road. Take it slow, see how things go, and don't be afraid to speak up if it bothers you a lot. Could work if you're both willing to meet in the middle. But it's also okay if you just can't deal - better to know now before you get too invested. Tough call man, good luck!

[Asker]

Thank you for your advice. We are both in our mid 40s. We are at the age now where we want to live together and at least get engaged in the next 1-2 years.

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man, mid 40s is definitely at the age where you wanna be living together and taking those next big steps if it's the right person.

Being a lifelong smoker could definitely complicate things long-term though if she's not willing to compromise at all. A few other things to think about:

- Health issues. At this age, years of smoking is more likely to cause problems that you'd end up dealing with as her partner. Make sure she's onboard taking care of herself.

- Living space. If you move in together, are you okay with your home always smelling like smoke? What if you want kids someday too?

- Finances. Cigarettes add up quick over the years. Can you both budget for that expense long-term? Could impact big retirement savings or other goals.

- Setting an example. Would you want your kids or future family around secondhand smoke all the time? Might cause friction down the line.

You'll have to have some real talks with her about whether she sees herself quitting for good before serious commitments like living together, marriage, kids etc. Make sure you're both on the exact same page with expectations.

It might work out, but smoking could also end up being a much bigger issue 10-20 years from now that breaks you apart. Tread carefully and don't rush into anything until you feel 100% confident about handling this long-haul. Your future's at stake here!

[Asker]

Thank you for your response. FWIW, I own my own nice home, so it's not like we would be renting an apartment together. Obviously I would want her to move in, but not sure I want cigarettes in my home. Sure, she would smoke outside, but the smoke is still in her and on her breath. And she has had kids and wants no more and neither do I.

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow dude, what a tricky situation. On the one hand, you really care about this girl and seem to see potential. But wanting different things long-term with kids, plus the smoking in your home thing, are pretty big deals.

A few more thoughts - maybe have a heart-to-heart with her about your future goals/dreams. See if she's open to reconsidering kids if that's a must for you. Also explain that while you want to be with her, you can't have smoke in your home. See how she's willing to compromise.

Personally, the smoking might be a dealbreaker for living together right now. But that doesn't necessarily mean ending the whole relationship if she's open to change. Maybe keep dating non-exclusively and see how it grows. But protect yourself - don't get too deep emotionally if you doubt she's long term compatible.

At the end of the day man, you've gotta go with your gut and do what lets you be truly happy. There are other fish if you don't see eye to eye on big ticket items. But she may surprise you too if she's willing to meet you halfway. Just communicate openly and stay true to your boundaries!

[HawkPerception]

I personally wouldn't even start dating someone that smoked regularly. It's a distasteful habit, just as drinking alcohol is to some people.

One of my exes smoked once in a blue moon, which I accepted, and I told her to do whatever she wants, but I'd prefer to be with someone that only engages in the stuff I do (alcohol). I have nothing against smokers when it comes to personality. They could be an extremely nice person. My best friend used to smoke weed very often, and I still chilled with him when he did.

But being with a partner is different. You judge them more intensely than your friend because it's the person you potentially live with the rest of your life.

It's possible, but it can definitely cause some discomfort and irritation which builds up over time.

[Asker]

Yeah, my sentiments are pretty much the same as yours. I'm just hoping she has the willpower to quit.

[Daniela1982]

Who in smoking factories wants to smell like cigarettes when it permeates your clothes? Or who wants to kiss someone whose kisser smells like an ashtray. I also mention that 2nd hand smoke can be as damaging as just smoking in the long run. You also have to like yellow walls, that used to be white. And how about those brown teeth?

SMOKER'S TEETH

[Nat89]

Oh man, this is a tough one. I use to smoke but I quit but here is the thing she won’t quit because you keep nagging over it she will quit when she wants to.


My best advice would be how petty do want to be over smoking if all the other boxes are being ticked?

[Asker]

Well, if it matters I own my own home. Obviously I would want to marry her and have her move in (if not, then what is the point of dating her?) I am not sure I want cigarettes and smoke in there. Obviously she will smoke outside, but it will still be in her and on her breath.

[Nat89]

Has she ever said she would like to quit? If the thought is there and perhaps give her some time to do so and support it. I understand where you are coming from I can’t stand the smell now after quitting. Maybe suggest vaping? It smells a lot better.

[BullShark]

I've had plenty of smoker friends who have been with girls (and boys) who've never smoked anything their entire lives. Some of them quit it if their partner doesn't like them smoking and try to get in better health, and then there are those who don't really mind if their partner smokes a pack a day or more.

Some have even said that they themselves don't like smoking, but the smell and taste of smoke on their partner's lips when making out with them is a turn on, so that's something, I guess.

Personally, I prefer it if my partner didn't smoke as I don't smoke either, but I have been attracted to this girl I once knew in my teen years who was a chain-smoker. So I guess in the end, it just comes down to you being able to accept their habit or not.

[exitseven]

I dated a few girls that smoked. This was a long time ago when it was more common. It never bothered me. Maybe now it might be more objectionable.

[Nikki1989]

I am an ex-smoker, so it wouldn't be a problem for me.

[Asker]

You could marry and live with someone who smoked regularly?

[abc3643]

Yes, but I quit after we were together for about 2.5 years.

[Asker]

Just out of curiosity, how did you quit?

[abc3643]

Quitting smoking was a long time; about 6 months or longer.

The FIRST time I quit smoking, in SEP 1995, I just did cold turkey. I was inspired to do so.
However, my next girlfriend that I met was a smoker and she was from Canada, so I wanted to try the wacky Canadian cigarettes (their packs are different) and I got hooked again. That relationship was short, but led me to continue to smoke.

When I met my wife in November 1999, I was still at it; about a pack a day. She shacked up with me and I know she wanted me to quit (she was a nonsmoker).

I wanted to quit too.

But, what finally made me quit was a combination of willpower and circumstance.
Going in 2002, I resolved to quit. We had only one car so she'd drop me off at my work then head to hers. I worked at a large plant for a household name company (GE) so the walk to the gas station to get any cigs would be too long/far.

(more)

[abc3643]

So, first, I resolved not to smoke at home.
Then not buy cigs in the morning at the gas station before she dropped me off. Instead, I'd buy a cig on an as-needed basis from a coworker who smoked. 25 cents/cig. I told him to lock the cigs in his drawer so I wouldn't be tempted. Because I didn't have unfettered easy access to cigs, there were times when I could simply not smoke not matter what the urge. This happened often enough because he wouldn't be at his desk. So, I eventually was smoking well under a pack a day. On June 24, 2002, around 11AM, I was outside having a cig and resolved "this is my last cig"... and it was.
I must admit, I had one extra motivating factor...
At the end of April, we got a dog. This dog was my wife's at first, but he was staying with my stepson. So, the dog flew to live with us. This changed me because now I wanted to live more and spend time with my new dog - my first since 1993. So, this really helped motivate me to get over the hump.

But, I didn't use patches or gum. Combination of willpower, desire, and forcing myself to NOT have easy access to cigs. That last part is critical; if you can't sate your nicotine desires, those desires begin to wane and the grasp on nicotine on your soul loosens so eventually you are free.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing.

[Tomisworthless]

Sexual attractiveness, it negates any 'standards' a woman has. So yes, if the guy is hot she will put up with it. Plenty of women stay in long term abusive relationships because of sex or their partners smv

[paledreams]

Unless both take up vaping or smoking, 🚬 I feel like those relationships never last or beneath the surface they're piss-poor terrible couplings

[paledreams]

And i don't smoke don't vape, never have or never will, and non smokers are best sticking to their own and vice versa

[worldscolide]

Not with me, I can't have that shit in my life, not with my allergies.

[genericname85]

possible? sure. likely? no.

[noohair]

No way, gross is still gross.