My boyfriend doesn't want to move in together. Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years and have brought up the topic of moving in together, without any pressure, a few different times. He's always been dismissive and hasn't really given my any clear reasons why he doesn't want to. Guys, do you know what might be going on in his head? Girls, do you have any suggestions on how to get him to move forward with more commitment like this?

[BonzoInBitburg]

Where I live if you and your partner have lived together for a year you are considered married and you have to file for divorce if you break up and want to legally live with or marry someone else. I think there's 10 states like this.

[Asker]

This is the first time I've ever heard of anything like this before. It's almost crazy that this isn't explained to people more regularly. And it turns out my state is one of those states. I just googled it and it's called a committed intimate relationship. No time limits, but basically if you live together, your money is legally combined. I don't see how this is legal and I can obviously see why my boyfriend wouldn't want this considering his financial situation. Wtf. I want to fucking cry.

[moneymagnet24]

Stop talking nonsense lol

[Asker]

@moneymagnet24 apparently he wasn't lying. It's not literally called a divorce, but it's an actual court process to divide assess when breaking up. My state does it and I never knew until last night.

[ArrowheadSW]

He might like his private time. Perhaps he really likes you and likes dating you but wants he alone time at home. Just my thoughts.

[Asker]

Thank you for your thoughts. If you were in this situation, what would you hope to see from your girlfriend to make you want to give more commitment?

[ArrowheadSW]

Good question. Hard to answer since I am somewhat of a "to myself" type of person. And it is hard to say if he is apprehensive to move in for the same reasons as I might be. You might have a talk with him and see how much "alone" time he needs. Or ask what other reasons he might have for being standoffish with moving in.

[Asker]

I appreciate your help

[hahahmm]

You said in a comment that neither one of you is religious but his family is & neither of you want marriage. Eventually he will marry a woman who he believes is "marriage material" even if right now he says he has zero interest in marriage. As far as he knows you're not "the one" based on your actions. He is leaving room for the right woman and for him to be able to leave you on short notice.

You have two choices...

a. Ask him exactly what he would require of a wife and go down the road of being that -- you are also free to tell him your requirements of a husband.

b. walk away. the road you're on leads to tears. it's a dead end. Yes, lots of people seem to enjoy wasting their time but you're not getting any younger. One day time & options run out. This is more true for women than men cause your looks fade.

[abc3643]

You don't have to live together for commitment. Years ago, most people in a committed couple did NOT live together before marriage. After they got married, THEN they lived together.

I am not saying that shacking-up is bad and only do it after marriage, but, just because he may not be ready to shack-up yet, doesn't mean he doesn't want to move forward; he may be able to move forward just as he is now. After all, to him, right now, things are good and shacking-up could ruin that; he may be afraid of that.

[slatyb]

He doesn't want to be that committed to you. He's stringing you along, all the time looking for what he really wants.

What do you want? Cohabitation? Marriage? Children?

[Asker]

I want children and a life together. I don't care about marriage because I'm not religious. He isn't either, but his family is.

[slatyb]

At your age 2-1/2 years is long enough to make a decision. I think you are going to have to ask him to make one. I'm afraid that of you don't, you'll be in the same place three years from now.

[jahaims]

He isn't as invested as you are. After 2 and a half years he sounds like a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

He wants the freedom to be able to cheat on you.

[Asker]

Gee thank you for that

[moneymagnet24]

This is serious issue I bet he is cheat on you

[Asker]

Why do you say this?

[moneymagnet24]

Swaty otherwise there is no reason to stop you for move in..

[Danny_dan92]

Find out why

[Asker]

He literally won't tell me. He's just dismissive when I bring it up and I'm not trying to look crazy.

[Danny_dan92]

How long you’ve been together?

[Asker]

Next month is 2.5 years. I think I know the answer why now. My state's law are horrendous. It basically where if we move in together, the state will consider us married as far as finances go. So I've been asking him to get married pretty much.

[Danny_dan92]

That’s wild. You could always do a prenup

[Asker]

I'm going to have to do more research, but a google search is telling me that courts take into consideration written agreements if the couples break up after living together. Thank you for the idea 🙏

[Danny_dan92]

Yep, no problem. Good luck. In today’s day n age I can definitely understand why he’s cautious.