I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (29M) for 2.5 years. We love each other a lot, but in the past year he has really struggled with reconciling his priorities. He wants to level up his career and has begun applying to jobs out of state. He also moved back home with his mom to save up on $$, and has told me that in the long term, he wants to live as close to his family as possible.
I live a 2 hr drive away from his mom's house. We've been semi-long distance for almost a year now. I told him that something needs to change if we want the relationship to progress, and offered that we move in together. I live in a big city with job opportunities, not very far from his family, and he would save on rent. So it sounded like a really viable option (to me at least). He is currently living in a suburb with far less job opportunities, albeit he does get to see his family every day.
He initially turned this down since it's at odds with his plans to get a better paying job out of state (he is currently applying to tech gigs in seattle, utah, etc), and also at odds with his goal to be close to his family (he sees 2 hrs as too far). I was having a hard time understanding his willingness to move across the country for a job, give up his relationship, and move even farther away from his family.
After a few days, told me he doesn't want to lose me and that he would seriously consider my suggestion. We're coming up on 2 weeks since that convo and he said he needs another 3-4 weeks to think it through. I want to give him his space but I feel very confused about his priorities, and confused that he loves me enough to 'consider' it, but also not committed enough to choose me/our life together over moving away from me (and his family) for a hypothetical job. He seems very confused and unable to commit. All I can do is wait and give him his time to think, but it sucks feeling like we're not even giving the next step a fair chance.
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It's understandable that you might feel concerned or confused if your boyfriend is hesitant about moving in together. Open communication is crucial in addressing any concerns or reservations either of you may have. Approach the conversation with empathy and an open mind, allowing both of you to express your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Try to understand his reasons for holding back and share your own feelings about why you want to take this step. It's important to consider each other's perspectives and work together to find a solution that feels comfortable and mutually beneficial for both of you.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/9238O1IqD4Ahe's not "thinking" with his time, he's looking for a job
yeah. he was honest about this, he has an interview this week. But his job search has gone on for many months now and it's a constant cycle of interviewing but not getting the job, rinse and repeat. I've given him months to land something and work through it as a team, but no job has followed through, and it's hard for me to exist in this 'what if' state
what team? if he finds a job he's probably gonna leave you
yeah that's a good point. Then I guess I don't understand why he came back to me saying he doesn't want to lose me and that he would consider my suggestion (after initially turning it down).
cuz he thinks he won't find a job
you're not a girlfriend to him. you're money.
You want everything on your terms
I guess I don't see it that way since someone has to compromise no matter which path we take. That's just how relationships are. Either I move with him wherever he gets a new job (could be anywhere in the country), which would be on his terms. Or he tries to make it work in my city, which is were we initially met/dated before he moved back home to save $$ (and would be much closer to his family than moving to another state for work). You could argue those are 'my terms' but it feels more realistic given the context/circumstances/history.