Am I guilty for this?

[Anonymous]

I met a guy online who lives in the same city with me. We started texting normally, he said he liked me a lot he was sending reels about "pure love" or couples hugging each other etc and I felt that maybe he needs to be loved and I was sure his way of loving is nice and pure enough too. He wanted to meet with me and I just said I wasn't ready for a relationship because I got hurt a lot before but he asked me to give him a chance and I couldn't reject him he was so kind to me I saw it in him. I agreed with giving him a chance and it kept going like that. But then later right after that, I saw him following 2 random girls and asked him about it and said to him "now you see? That's why I'm afraid of trusting again. You proved me you are not different" and then he unfollowed them immediately and tried to gain my heart again and said "it won't happen again, please never stop talking with me" but since I also liked him I just forgave and continued like it didn't happen. Then we met we went to his home we kissed etc and then on second date he asked to have s*x but I said I wasn't ready, first he got little bit aggressive and cold and then when he saw me getting sad he hugged me and so on and later in the messages he told me that I putted him in a hard situation by rejecting his offer but he told it in a nice way by laughing and I felt embrassed about that so I promised him for the next meeting at this home. On the next meeting we had s*x. And I got more connected to him after that you know by mentally and by soul. And then after 3 days today, I saw him following each other with a random woman again and I texted him a paragraph about it and he didn't even try to make things right he just said "I won't explain myself about this situation, it's just too funny to talk about it" and instead of unfollowing her, he unfollowed me on instagram and deleted my phone number. He also knew I was going to get him a new year gift but now he left me with them

[Anonymous]

Guilty of what? Being dumb?

First off you're attracted to these types of guys. Nobody can fix that but you. If you don't want to fix this problem. You'll keep repeating this.

From start point go the MINUTE you caught him following those 2 other girls you should've ended it right there. There is no defense to this for him. But moreover you should've never chose this man to begin with.

I would say, "do better" but I know you probably won't. At least not till you really want to do better.

[Asker]

Exactly you are so right by the way

[Mrtcn01]

I m so sorry about this but trusting issue is not how people react you. it is related how their character is...
it is obvius he wanted sex with you and he never respected a emotional relationship. obviously you are not giulty. but as far as i understand you are doing the same reaction and you did not get your lesson.

[Asker]

Yeah I think I did not get my lesson. Maybe I shouldn't have gave any chance to him in the first place.

[Asker]

A man who is in love wouldn't do that right? Would he even add random woman profile if he was really in love with me and respected me? I respected him a lot that I cleaned my following list and told a guy who likes me "I respect my relationship so stop texting me"

[Mrtcn01]

my friend, being in love is different from being in relationship for men. We have definite borders.. for ladies trust is first but for man trust is not important. for you everything linked to another things. For us no.. so at first you have to change your approach. you are thinking like men think like woman..

[Asker]

So I should say sorry to him or something? Because I wanna give this gift to him since no one ever bought him gifts in his life even when he bought expensive gifts for them so I just wanna make him happy you know, should I do that,

[Asker]

I even made tiramisu for him before second meeting, and he ate it he loved it and my box is in his home

[Mrtcn01]

No of course not.. you should have given. and you did right thing to give a chance. you did wrong whe you think he is in love with you.. and also please do not give your all emotion to a man just he loves you or he seems that he likes you.. you just give him your emotion your body etc just you wanted to do it. not because of him but because of you.

[Asker]

Maybe I can meet him outside and give this gift and never see each other again?

[Asker]

Because I promised him to give it and I wanna do what I said

[Mrtcn01]

no of course not. you should stop talking and you should stop communicating to him.. he did not respect your soul and he did not make you confortable for your doubts.

[Asker]

So it's his loss right? Because I wasn't even attracted to any other man since the first time I started talking to him, he was the center of my focus

[Asker]

Like I wasn't feeling interested when any guy sent me request on instagram for example, I didn't even consider following each other or something, I was just deleting the requests

[Mrtcn01]

I like tramisu.. with extra caffe powder :) you are very very sensetive.. you are not from eurpoen or can't be American you are from a country in east of the world.. :D

[Asker]

Ahaha I'm from Turkey..

[Asker]

I really made the tiramisu well by the way, with cocoa powder

[Asker]

I have headache because of sadness

[Mrtcn01]

If you do it just only you promise you do it.. because you want to loyal your promise.. but if you expect any good moves or reaction to him dont do it.. as i said before do it for your own decision and respect yourself. otherwise dont do it.

[Asker]

Yeah exactly. At least I would have get rid of the gift

[Mrtcn01]

did you get rid of it? if still keeping it means you have still the same idea.. destroy it or give any other friend..

[Asker]

I won't be able to give the gift even if I want to because he will go to his mom city for 1 week so the gift can be forgotten haha... it worked for me

[Mrtcn01]

good. so you are student.. What is your department?

[Asker]

Not actually a student I mean I was graduated from high school this year and normally I should be going to university now but I failed in the university entrance exam so I just study at home this year and I will enter the exam this year again

[Mrtcn01]

All turkish student can speak English well like you or not? which proficiency would like to go?

[Asker]

Oh thanks by the way. I learned English by myself during covid ahah. I wanted to study engineering

[Asker]

They can't I think

[Mrtcn01]

woow you are ambitious lady... i hope you get what you want.

[Asker]

Thank you so much reallyy ❤️❤️

[HollyK21]

Being gullible and naive can definitely make someone feel guilty but at the end of the day it is what it is. You can’t say the signs weren’t there — they very much were, and still kept giving him chances when you should not have. There’s a motto that says ‘when you know better you do better’, and there’s nothing left for you to do except make peace with the situation so that you can in fact do better.


For example in the future, I wouldn’t engage with random men online sliding into my DM ever again. In most cases there’s a reason why he’s single and resorting to reaching out to women they don’t know online (outside of a dating app), and you don’t want to find out what it is.


This guy you met kept following other women in the same way he messaged you because that is what he does, it’s how he got with you after all. The first time you caught him should’ve been the red flag, same goes with all his love bombing, gaslighting, getting angry when you wouldn’t have sex, and and his other bs. He also used your insecurities as a cop out so he didn’t have to feel bad for ghosting. However I believe it was disingenuous and that was his plan all along.


Anyway, I’m sorry you had to go through all this, he was 100% wrong and I feel bad for any other woman who falls into his trap. But beating yourself up and feeling guilty won’t change anything. I think it’s a good time to start forgiving yourself, use whatever tools you need to move past this even if you need professional help getting started.

[Asker]

I even bought him a new year gift because he told me that no one ever bought gifts for him in his life even tho he bought for them. So I was ready to give my gift to him tomorrow but today he did this

[HollyK21]

Yeah I don’t believe that. Like at all.

[Asker]

I also kinda feel sad for him because he lives away from his parents. He is a police officer here and he didn't see his family for 6 months for example. I really have so much mercy in my heart, I wanted to be by his side no matter what so he won't feel alone, he is living with his friends but still I wanted to be by his side as a girlfriend, I'd do anything for him

[Asker]

Am I too much soft? I cleaned my all following list so he won't be uncomfortable and won't doubt if I'm not the one or something. And I expected him to do the same like not adding random women etc because I rejected all the guys who ever sent request even if I wouldn't talk still

[HollyK21]

We can call it soft or you having too much mercy in your heart, but I ultimately think you were being gullible and naive. I mean no offense using those words, I am just very literal with what I say and when you look at the definitions of those words, that is what you are doing. If I were you, after this whole experience I would throw his sob stories out of the window because there’s no proof. You have no idea what kind of life he lives and when you just absorb everything he says like a sponge and don’t question the validity for any reason, it’s just naive.

[Asker]

Yeah you are right actually... like a sponge I just absorb everything I should be careful little bit

[HollyK21]

I would also say you became desperate for his love and abandoned your self respect. I mean why would you scrub your friends list for him yet he gives you an ultimatum and guilt trip for looking at his? Why are you begging for forgiveness when HE messes up? That is the perfect way for a man to take you for granted and not see your worth.

[Asker]

Yeah exactly. I shouldn't have deleted anyone from my list until he did the same. But I just you know wanted to do everything earlier so maybe he would do the same later 😂 how silly I am gosh

[HollyK21]

You’re living honey, and that’s the only way you learn really is through experiences whether they’re good or bad. This was undoubtedly a bad and quite unfortunate experience, but now that you’ve gone through it I hope you won’t let it happen again. This guy is quite frankly a jackass, but most likely if he can’t find another woman he will be back. In which case I truly hope you have the strength to ignore him because now you know what sort of man he is.

[HollyK21]

A good rule of thumb: if you find yourself trying to incite change with a man you’re just getting started with then he’s not the one. What I’m referring to here is you saying you wanted to do everything earlier so maybe he will do the same later — that is not good, it’s not healthy. Why? Because when you saw the deal breaker you accommodated it rather than pass on him.

[Asker]

Exactly you are so soo right. What a sweet person you aree ❤️ thank you so much I don't know how to thank youu

[HollyK21]

No need to thank me! My best friend went through a similar experience long ago with a guy who dm’d her on Instagram, and the only way to help get over it was to unpack her grief. It’s hard to look at each aspect of your relationship with that guy and deal with those emotions. You may feel a lot of shame, regret, disappointment, etc on your journey but it’s not forever. Karma is going to take care of him.

[Asker]

Absolutelyyy 🥹🥹 I wish the best for your best friend by the way ❤️

[HollyK21]

Oh thank you! If it gives you any consolation let me tell you this happened for my best friend back in 2016. Since then she’s gotten married and has 2 kids! After that drama with the guy online she totally reshaped how she chose to date and it really paid off. It will for you too!

[Asker]

Oh I hope so... I really don't know what will happen

[HollyK21]

Honestly right now isn’t even the time to think or worry about it. Since this whole thing just happened you are probably still in shock and haven’t even gotten started processing everything, so your focus should be on the healing process only. I’m just sorry you have to go through this, despite everything it’s incredible to me that men can be so cold. One thing a guy friend told me long ago was to stop being so nice, and stop giving passes because men don’t understand kindness. Situations like this just remind me of that.

[Asker]

Yeah they really don't understand kindness by the way, Many times he wanted to pay for my taxi or food but I was feeling bad and guilty so I wasn't letting him spend so much for me since he is paying everywhere, I was caring about him like a mother. I was saving food recipes to cook for him later because he doesn't know how to cook and cannot cook after working

[HollyK21]

Hey, it’s his loss. You were a great girlfriend to him and it’s unfortunate that he took you for granted. I will never understand the mindset of a man who can use a woman for sex and then leave her. Like how could a guy invest time and effort into getting sex that they can receive so easily elsewhere? I’ll never get it and yet men like your ex do it all the time.

[Asker]

Absolutely. You are just on point

[Asker]

I texted him for getting my hair tie back from his home and he said why all of these happened like I did everything. He literally removed me on instagram instead of removing that random girl and he removed my number now he asked why all these happened

[Asker]

I even made tiramisu for him before second date, like... he should feel shame little bit

[HollyK21]

For your hair tie? Let’s be real, that’s an excuse. You could buy a whole pack of hair ties for 5 bucks or less, you just aren’t done with him yet and wanted closure. Why do you want a person who treated you like this? Yes, you went out of your way being a good girlfriend but in the end he decided to leave you and you still went back. You still want to give him gifts and tiramisu as a reward for what? Very disappointing of you.

[HollyK21]

If I were you he would’ve had to BEG for a conversation with me after what he did.

[Asker]

Oh no no I actually gave the tiramisu before. I just promised a new year gift to him so I don't want it to stay with me at least I wanna keep my promise 🥹🥹

[Asker]

You are right he should beg me... but he was actually willing to talk to me by the way but no I won't give him second chance again. I just wanna give the gift for when he payed for my taxi you know 🥹🥹 so I won't feel guilty or something

[HollyK21]

Why would you feel guilty for your boyfriend paying for something? The only reason you should feel guilty is if you saw him as a friend, and this was not a friendship. These aren’t debts to be settled. All he deserves right now is to feel bad for what he did, but there’s no room for him to feel remorse when you keep doing things to erase his guilt. The gift should go to waste, or give it to someone else.

[Asker]

Yeah you are right my friend also told me to give it to someone else or throw it. Do you have instagram by the way? I liked your vibe and your chat 🥰 we can add each other

[HollyK21]

How about we shoot each other a message on here and chat about it? I haven’t had Instagram since Covid started lol too much drama. But I wouldn’t mind keeping in touch!

[Asker]

Yeah I really wanna be in touch with you 🥰

[Asker]

We can message here also yeah

[HollyK21]

Sure! What’s your username? I can delete your comment after you tell me if you want, I just have a lot of requests!

[Asker]

I actually don't know where is my username haha I'm new to this app really

[ohsheeT]

. The moment he told you you put him in a awkward position by rejecting him that right there I was yelling and screaming at my phone don't do it don't have sex he's going to screw you over.

Listen pay attention to what guys tell you he told you right there it was nothing but a big fat lie and it was in the manipulation to get you in bed with him the next time and look what he did he did it and then he got what he wanted and bye-bye.

Play back everything that he said to you and I guarantee you everything he's lying about he's telling you the truth and the same sentence in the same breath. .. this is the type of guy that gives guys bad names...

Because he's a liar he's a cheater and I can guarantee it he doesn't even know how to have sex I guarantee it he made it all about himself and not you.

[ohsheeT]

And by the way to answer your question the only thing you're going to be guilty of is if you didn't learn your lesson already from this guy because I guarantee you somewhere down the road he's going to try again and he's going to fill you full of crap and he's going to do the exact same thing to you don't do it

[Asker]

You are completely right by the way, I texted him a long paragraph about how stupid his actions were and he didn't know what to say, he probably realized how logical I am so he just said "don't know what to say"

[Asker]

Unfortunately I had love with him... because I was embrassed by the situation where I putted him in a hard situation so I wanted to make up for my mistake you know... but then he forced me to take morning after pill and I took it just to put his mind at ease... it was really expensive by the way he offered to pay for it but I still didn't take money for him just because I feel sad to spend his money, I really loved him like his mom or something

[Asker]

From him*

[Asker]

He should feel shame little bit... he is also police officer by the way

[ohsheeT]

So he didn't. Wear a condom either. .. wow .
No all that right there just proved even more on what type of guy he is he doesn't feel any sort of shame whatsoever

I feel bad for you but you have to learn how to pay attention to what type of guys that you're going with because that whole thing was a big giant red flag

[Asker]

He wore condom but he told me that it was first time having intercourse so he was panic even when he knew that he shouldn't be panic

[Asker]

Exactly I just ignored the signs of him being a red flag just because he is handsome and is in a cop uniform

[ohsheeT]

Yeah it was one of those moments were he saw his whole life flashing in front of him by having a baby with somebody that he probably wasn't interested in and he freaked it's sad though it's so sad that there's guys like that out there..

I feel bad for you because the whole thing was basically a manipulation from him from start to finish

[Asker]

He immediately started calling me my love my baby after I took the pill... when I was being stubborn about not taking the pill he was calling my name only

[Asker]

He even asked for fun like "should we get married haha"

[Asker]

He didn't wanna have baby and I either because we are not even married yet and my family would kick me out of home and his family wouldn't talk to him either

[Asker]

Do you have instagram? Maybe we can have voice call I liked your talk

[ohsheeT]

No I don't have that. I deleted it.. I deleted most of them I have Snapchat I think I have Google chat

[Asker]

Oh no haha

[Asker]

Do you have whatsapp?

[Asker]

Snapchat is okay too can you give me your username

[ohsheeT]

No I don't have WhatsApp either can you DM me and I can give you my snap

[Asker]

Sure

[Asker]

My xper points are not enough to send dm can you send me

[ohsheeT]

Ok. I think. I just sent you a message on your page

[pongo]

He is a weirdo at his core. A creep. For real. Move on. Don't let him fuck your life up. Sorry that happened.

[Asker]

Thank youuuu ❤️

[pongo]

:). No prob. Never settle. Your life is precious. It's also very short.

It's one book. No need to voluntarily add a chapter full of shit!

We all do... but if you can avoid it... please do!

[Asker]

You are so right why waste my time about it right? I shouldn't suffer from something which I can already avoid ❤️