How do I overcome my fears and open up to dating again?

[Anonymous]

For the past five years, I’ve avoided dating after a traumatic breakup. The emotional fallout left me with social anxiety, self-doubt, and physical changes that made me feel disconnected from who I once was. I gained weight and lost confidence, so dating felt like an impossible challenge. Recently, though, I’ve been focusing on self-improvement, getting healthier, and building my confidence back up.

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed a cute bartender at a club I visited. We didn’t talk, but I found his Instagram through the club’s account. I followed him, not expecting anything. To my surprise, he followed me back within an hour. I didn’t think much of it, but the next morning he liked a bunch of my stories. A few days later, he commented on one of my selfies with friends, and we began chatting casually online.

Then today, he invited me out for a drink at his bar. I was excited but instantly panicked. What if he didn’t like what he saw? What if I said something awkward or got too nervous to talk? I politely declined since I was out of town, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was scared of a connection I actually wanted. He responded with sad face emojis, clearly disappointed that I couldn’t make it tonight, and said he hoped to see me soon.

I’m torn! On one hand, I want to give dating a chance again, but my anxiety and fear of rejection hold me back. I don’t want to push someone away, but I also don’t want to miss an opportunity just because I’m not feeling completely confident yet. It’s a tough situation, and I keep wondering whether it’s better to take the leap or to wait until I feel more in control of my feelings and fears.

So, what should I do? Should I push through the anxiety and give it a shot, or am I better off waiting until I feel fully ready? Any advice on how to handle this? I’d really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts on how to navigate this confusing space.

Updates

1 y

Well, here's the update, folks. Looks like there won’t be any date or anything of the sort because it turns out he’s married. Honestly, I guess it’s a blessing in disguise. The universe probably just saved me from stepping into something I really didn’t need.

[Oliverlogan263]

Yo girl, I totally get where you're coming from with this. Opening yourself up to dating again after a bad breakup can be super scary, especially when you're still working on rebuilding your confidence.

But hey, the fact that this cute bartender is showing clear interest in you is a really good sign. He's putting himself out there and making the effort to connect with you, which means he's probably into what he's seeing. That's half the battle right there!

I know the anxiety and self-doubt are tough to overcome, but you gotta try not to psych yourself out too much. This guy clearly sees something special in you, so try not to sell yourself short. You got this!

My advice would be to take a deep breath, push past that initial fear, and give it a shot. Go out with him for that drink, even if it's just for a little while. You don't have to dive in head first - just focus on having a chill, low-pressure time getting to know each other.

And remember, you're in control here. If you start to feel super uncomfortable or overwhelmed, you can always cut the date short. The goal is to start small and build up slowly. Baby steps, ya know?

Plus, who knows, once you get past that first awkward interaction, you might end up having a really great time! He seems interested in you for a reason, so try to get out of your own head and just vibe with him.

Overcoming that initial fear is the hardest part. But I promise, the more you put yourself out there, the easier it'll get. Before you know it, you'll be feeling confident as hell and loving the dating game again.

You got this, girl. Just take it one step at a time, and don't be afraid to lean on your friends for support. Wishing you all the best with this cutie - let me know how it goes!

[Finchie40]

Go to your doctor or Seek counseling it sounds like your last relationship effected you big time and traumatized you , especially if you are experiencing anxieties from it , your doctor or counselor can prescribe you an anti depressant to help subside your anxieties and help you feel more relaxed and calm , which will help you in the dating world. It will help you not to feel so anxious. My doctor put me on Zoloft after I lost My Mom and My brother amongst other negative things that occurred in my life as well , and it helped me feel more relaxed and content and it helped my mind stay calm instead of all over the place. I kind of experienced what you experienced when it came to dating and meeting someone new , but after I started taking Zoloft , none of that stuff bothered me anymore , I was back to my normal self of being open and outgoing and going on dates. Worth a shot

[FluffyHope]

I am in the same situation you are. I am 52 and a little bit fluffy. I recently had to become single and it was not a choice I wanted to make. But every time I start talking to somebody on one of these dating apps, I get severe anxiety. But I have found the strength to push through the fear and so far no great matches, but I have had Some good times meeting new people. I would take him up on the drink and just make sure while you are talking that you mentioned that you are new to the dating scene and just wanting to meet new people. That way you’re setting your boundary upfront and getting the chance to make a new friend who may eventually become something more if you choose. Trust me, I have severe anxiety and I feel your pain. Praying you find the strength to make new friends with as little anxiety as possible!

[Caroline91]

You’re making way more out of this than you need to. Just say yes and go for a drink. One drink. Then, if he asks you out again, take that one step. He hasn’t asked you to marry him and have his babies…he’s just asked you to have a drink with him. Go and have fun having one drink with a cute bartender. You can do that!

[AManOnTheWeb]

" I noticed a cute bartender at a club I visited..."

You're digging in the wrong place:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/SR7XXT-4Sa4

It looks like you're doing all of the wrong things. Cute bartenders are probably not the right kind of person to link up with if you're in an emotionally vulnerable place. If you'd instead said something like "I met a nice guy at the dog park. His golden retriever seemed really sweet and well-behaved" or "I joined a group that helps pick up trash in the local parks and met a guy who worked hard, and was really kind to everyone, he helped this old woman who slipped" something like that, I think you'd be on a much better track to connect with the right kind of guys. The hotter a dude is, the less likely he's going to treat you well.

Green flags: kindness to strangers (not just to try to get something in return), hard working, good listener, patient, responsible, thoughtful, charming, organized, creative, generous, healthy but not to excess, handsome but a little shorter, or more average looks, etc. Essentially, the qualities you're going to care about when you're in your 70's.

Red flags: Great looks, perfect grooming, too fit, macho, wealthy and he lets you know it (e. g. expensive watches or designer clothes, orange/red/yellow sports car), works in the nightlife scene, is controlling, is demanding, is rude to other people (especially people "beneath him" servers or valets, etc.), is conservative or listens to red-pill manosphere stuff and has a chip on his shoulder about women.

I think there's a lot of really amazing guys out there who many women are overlooking for dumb/superficial reasons (like height, balding, ethnicity, maybe a scar, or even a disability, etc.), which creates an opportunity to find someone who treats you with love and respect and will share their lives with you.

Good luck to you. I hope you find someone to share your life with that makes you happy.

[lightbulb27]

To be honest with you, the first paragraph was amazing and touching.

The second paragraph and after I just started to vomit in my brains.

If you really want me to answer your question I will, but I'm not so convinced you are going to listen. A pink anon.. and you likely don't even know what you just said that could possibly be amis.

The better question is... what did you learn about yourself last time (s), how did you grow as a person? The only way you get to a better place, is by growing.

It's not easy being a human in this world... that's for sure...

[MannMitAntworten]

When the next guy - unmarried next guy - comes along, push through your fears and see where it takes you. No one conquers their fears and self doubt by allowing time to pass them by. You conquer adversity by facing your fears and self doubt by strengthening your resolve against them. You will be okay.

[Nikki1989]

Take time to reflect on past relationships. What worked? What didn't? Identify any patterns or recurring themes and go from there.

[NicholasRedone]

🐴🐎 "I got back on the horse" - even if it broke both my legs or an arm, "god damn it I got back on that damn horse, (after months of therapy)

Lol. And recovery.
Fictional 💔👋🏻💔👋🏻

[Miristheiss]

Be wise. A smart person learns from past mistakes and/or experiences and applies to moving forward. You must use your past experiences to pick better men and be a better woman yourself that high quality men will want and want to commit to.

[HungTexan]

Just because he turned out to be married, it’s sounds like you’re ready to start dating again even though you may not know it. Keep it casual to begin with and have fun. It will get easier.

[LiamJHayden]

We all have to recognize that the next person is not the last person and the next person is not responsible for the failures of and hurts from the last one.

[Anonymous]

By realizing you're old, and only getting older. In about 5 to 10 years your options are going to be little if any. You need to make a decision. Get back on the horse or get busy buying cats.

[Anonymous]

I wonder the same, I've never dated in my life.

[BarryLiverstone]

At this point it’s likely you don’t date again.

[Vickie06]

Go for coffee small crowds.

[Crazzyyworld]

Sex work