Why don’t men see me as girlfriend material?

[Anonymous]

The last guy I was involved with said that he didn’t see me as girlfriend material because I wasn’t confident enough.

What are some other reasons why you would write someone off as not being “girlfriend material”?

[incorrected]

Is this "men" or "a man" though? Is this something multiple men have said to you, or just one? There just isn't enough information here to have any idea where to begin in answering your question. Are you insecure? Do you stress men out some way with behaviours related to that? Are you just dating the kinds of guys who like to go to very extroverted events and they feel you're holding them back? Is it just one guy's way of ditching you once things get serious because he was just having bedroom fun with you? There's not enough information to begin unpacking it.

[Asker]

Well, clearly men don’t see me as girlfriend material being that they never want a relationship.

[incorrected]

I dunno, there's a lot of variables to consider. I can't possibly know about your specific case so please don't take these musings personally:

1. How many men are we talking about? For the average man it takes an average of 100 dates to secure a POTENTIAL relationship, i. e. exclusive dating. That's why so many give up. I suspect for women it takes turning down roughly as many guys before finding someone who might actually be right for them, and filtering through all of those guys is no easy task. In both cases it's demoralising.

2. What kind of men are you picking? I'm not saying this is the case for you, but picking men who have options and being unable to secure them is a common problem for women. I read a Pew Research paper showing a lot of unpleasant trends, the most dramatic being that in the under 30s 34% of women are single and 63% of men are single. That's a LOT of women who are side-chicks and either don't know it or hope they can be the winner, with a few who are just comfortable being polyamorous.

3. Do you have any traumas or unresolved emotional issues, or are you demanding or anything like that? I know in my case I definitely had/have a lot of emotional neglect related issues that I'm working through.

4. What's your dating strategy? Serial trying (numbers game) or something else?

5. Do you know what you want out of life? Many people hope to find someone to 'complete' them, without even really knowing themselves well enough to know what that would look like.

6. What else is there you can tell me about the men you've been with? Dating leading nowhere, bedroom fun leading nowhere? What's happening?

This is all just off the top of my head. I'm happy to talk more to narrow down specifics and possible strategies to help.

[Miristheiss]

She is promiscuous/promiscuous past.

Has tattoos/piercings.

Being into clubbing, drinking partying.

We have different life goals, values, standards.

Crazy work hours and/or schedule. Travels for job.

Lots of guy friends, hangs out alone with guys.

You saying girlfriend material leads me to think the girl is pretty enough to go out with, have some temporary fun but at the end of the day it has no future.

[Anonymous]

Not every guy you date will have the same set of standards, so do you plan on just being a performative with the next guy you date? Will you ask him what his idea of girlfriend material is and then become that?

[Asker]

… It was just a question. I am about self-improvement, I’m not trying to become a chameleon for every guy I’m interested in.

[Opinion Owner]

Let’s say you improve your confidence since the last guy said that was what made you lack girlfriend material, what if the next guy you meet prefers a shy and quiet woman? Or you lose weight because being fit is some dudes standard on here, but the guy you meet prefers curves? This isn’t me giving you a hard time about your question, I’m just genuinely just curious what you do with the fact that each man has different ideas of what makes you girlfriend material, so how would you know what exactly to improve?

If I were you I would just improve the things about myself I think are flawed or I’m not happy with, and the right guy will love that version of you.

[Opinion Owner]

This is really a friendly question, I want to make that clear because so many people on here take comments the wrong way and get combative or want to argue. Truly not my intent and I want that to be crystal clear if you plan to respond.

[Asker]

Let’s be real: who prefers someone who is shy and quiet?

Side note: his rationale on why I wasn’t girlfriend material (so good enough to screw but not date) contradicts what he told me when he said she likes the quiet girl.

[Opinion Owner]

In all honesty you would be surprised by what some men prefer. Like, a shy and quiet woman is perfect for a man who’s “dominant” and wants someone who doesn’t talk back, does whatever he wants, she’s so quiet and timid she won’t stand up for herself. I would NEVERRR but some women are that and some men seek that. Same goes for a woman who’s obnoxious and demands attention, who would prefer that? Well, if she’s hot enough a lot of men would. The whole trophy wife thing.

With the guy in your situation, girlfriend material may not actually exist in his world. Not if he’s a fuckboy and just wants to do his single guy thing until he’s ready one day to settle down, which is what it seems given his shit excuse. He’s a liar, a user and quite frankly not someone who’s opinion you should care about when it comes to what you need to alter about yourself.

He was never boyfriend material, and if you have any idea of what a real man is or should do, you would totally agree he’s bottom of the barrel scum and you can do a lot better.

[Opinion Owner]

Your mindset should be that you ARE girlfriend material because you are the prize. The Bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and it’s true! Stop letting these men make you feel as though you are unworthy or not good enough for a title but good enough for sex — that type of man shouldn’t even be on your radar. Dispose of low quality men like that.

[IslaTheWitch]

most men I know... aren't confident enough to openly say their reasons :D

[Asker]

Okay. What are typically the reasons according to them?

[IslaTheWitch]

mostly used is "wrong timing" because they are hitting on someone else :D

[Asker]

Okay. What made them prefer the person that they were hitting on over person that they didn’t see as girlfriend material?

[IslaTheWitch]

no idea... you will have to ask them :D

you think that if they weren't open about their interest in other women... they would talk about WHY?

[Asker]

I thought that the men you were referring to were your friends and perhaps told you why they didn’t see you in that way.

[IslaTheWitch]

lmao...
if a person is insecure about something... they won't talk about it... with friends or not friends :D
it's how insecurities work... cutting you off from the world...

[ohsheeT]

Well I would have to talk to you to get to know you to answer that question because that's the only way I would know if it's even true or not

[ProbablyClueless]

Lack of confidence, can't keep a schedule, doesn't live up to her word, doesn't know how to communicate in a healthy and respectful fashion.

[Asker]

Why is lack of confidence a dealbreaker?

[ProbablyClueless]

Because it is so so SO exhausting and annoying to deal with a woman you constantly have reassure about every little thing. At best, it honestly turns every interaction into a massive chore. At worst (and extremely commonly), her insecurities mean you can't trust her because she starts looking for validation outside the relationship.

That's a huge part of the emotional labor men put into women.

[BigTex53]

Not being confident is a poor excuse. Sounds like BS to me, or maybe he’s just an idiot.

[jahaims]

If she uses her body to seek attention she is too immature for a relationship.

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆 tell us you're outside your league without telling us you're dating outside your league.

[chrissykerdock]

maybe he wanted oral sex

[In_Trance]

You answer your own question