I Want Something Serious with My Ex, But I’m Confused?

[lovelylia]

Hi, I need advice.

I (21F) dated a guy (21M) in 2023 for five months. We were exclusive, met each other’s friends and family, and he even called me “his woman,” but he never made it official. He started as a rebound for me, which he knew, but he eventually caught feelings and wanted something serious. I cared about him too, but when he asked about commitment, I told him I wasn’t ready, even though I really liked him. We stopped talking for a day, but eventually talked it out and stayed together. Still, things felt uncertain, and after five months, we mutually decided to part ways.

After the breakup, we stayed friendly, exchanged short conversations, and even had a one-time hookup. By late 2024, he started dating someone else and made her his girlfriend, which hurt because he never made things official with me. She broke up with him in October, and this January, he reached out to me, saying he wanted to talk like old times. He admitted he’s still attracted to me but claimed he wasn’t reaching out just for sex.

I told myself I’d set boundaries this time, but recently, we ended up sleeping together. Afterward, he told me, “te quiero mucho” (I care about you a lot), but he hasn’t texted me since. He takes hours to respond to my messages but has no problem replying to my Instagram stories with something funny. When we dated, he’d respond instantly, but now it feels like he’s trying to distance me from the idea of us being serious again.

I’m torn. I don’t want to scare him off by bringing up commitment since he just got out of a relationship, but I also don’t want to keep letting this drag on if he doesn’t see a future with me. Did I sabotage my chances by sleeping with him too soon? Should I wait for him to come around, or be upfront about what I want? I’m so confused and don’t know how to handle this.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, girl. That's a tough situation to be in. It sounds like you really care about this guy, but the whole on-again, off-again thing has you feeling super confused.

I can see why you're torn. On one hand, you want something serious with him, but you don't want to scare him off or come on too strong since he just got out of a relationship. And the fact that he was so quick to make his ex his girlfriend, but never fully committed to you, must really sting.

Honestly, I think the best thing to do is to be upfront with him about what you want. Don't wait around hoping he'll come around - that's just gonna lead to more heartbreak. Lay it all out there and see if you're on the same page.

You could try something like, "Hey, I need to be real with you. I really care about you and I want us to try again, but this time I need us to be serious and committed. I don't want to keep hooking up if that's not where you're at." Put the ball in his court and see how he responds.

If he gets distant or gives you any wishy-washy answers, then you'll know he's probably not ready for the same level of commitment you are. As much as that would suck, it's better to know now than to keep letting this drag on.

But if he seems receptive and says he wants the same thing, then you guys can take it slow and rebuild that trust. Just make sure you set clear boundaries this time, like no more casual hookups until you're both 100% on the same page.

I know it's scary putting yourself out there like that, but you deserve to be with someone who is as invested in the relationship as you are. Don't settle for less. Wishing you all the best, girl. Let me know how it goes!

[BarryLiverstone]

Unfortunately you may be out of luck. Because you rejected him initially, it sounds like he isn't willing to risk you hurting him again. What do you want to happen?

[lovelylia]

If anything, how do I start on my plan to have him start seeing me as something serious again when we rarely see each other in campus and i have barely no way of playing hard to get?

[BarryLiverstone]

Start by not playing games like hard to get. Next because you have set new boundaries communicate those to him, and they should include no intercourse unless you are in a committed relationship. Next it’s talking to him about what he wants in life rn and seeing if you can fit in

[lovelylia]

So do you think I should have the uncomfortable talk? I've gotten advice like going with the flow before

[BarryLiverstone]

In order for him to see you seriously, you need to be willing to say no if he tries to violate any boundaries you have set. If you give in and hook up next month then nothing changes, right?

[lovelylia]

yeah i agree

[BarryLiverstone]

Something between the flow and confronting him. How comfortable are and him being real with each other?

[lovelylia]

We're quite comfortable and always talk about what we feel in person. It's just so hard to reach him because he never texts first anymore and I only see him in campus like once or twice a week. Maybe the effort just isn't worth it. But I really think we can make it work this time.

[BarryLiverstone]

If you are not willing to go out on a date and make plans to see him irl not on campus then yes, time to move on

[BarryLiverstone]

by the way he’s not texting rn because you recently hooked up. He doesn’t want to connect emotionally after that the way you two are rn

[lovelylia]

I am willing to. But won't that just seem intense? Especially since as of this moment he hasn't responded to a text I sent him (it was a follow up text to a conversation we were having) and just replies to stories on IG. I just don't wanna mess it up and make things worse for me... :( I'm a little obsessed lol

[lovelylia]

Oh I never thought about that... Why would he do that?

[BarryLiverstone]

Hmm.. if you are obsessed then ya it’s best to not focus on him rn and do other things or date someone else. It’s not healthy to put that much energy into a guy you are not dating. Plus your obsession could have roots in something you haven’t come to terms with inside you

[BarryLiverstone]

He isn’t your boyfriend, so he would do that

[lovelylia]

Noo I mean like I might be obsessed with the issue and getting answers lol. And yeah totally true he doesn't owe me that but do you know why he would go out of his way to not respond? Like is he embarrassed or smth

[BarryLiverstone]

He would not reply to avoid emotional drama

[BarryLiverstone]

If you are obsessed getting answers that’s something you can change by yourself

[lovelylia]

So what you're is that he's not replying because he sees me as something not emotional? So does this mean I'm just the girl he hooked up with right now?

[BarryLiverstone]

Go ahead and follow me cuz I’ve beyond answered your question and this is becoming a conversation. But if you want I’ll answer here lemme know

[Ariesman81]

Story as old as time! He moves on on now you want him.

Sorry to tell you, but you're on his timeline now.

[Flower7]

He used you for a hookup.

[Cheerfull009]

No time , to read Novel

[lovelylia]

TL;DR:

I (21F) dated a guy (21M) in 2023 for five months. We were exclusive but never official, partly because I wasn’t ready for commitment at the time, even though I really liked him. We broke up but stayed friendly, and after he dated someone else and got dumped, he recently reached out to me again.

He says he’s attracted to me and enjoys talking like old times, but after we slept together recently, he hasn’t texted me and now takes hours to reply—though he quickly reacts to my Instagram stories. When we dated, he used to respond instantly. I want something serious with him, but I’m afraid he’s distancing me from the idea of a relationship.

Should I wait to see where this goes or be upfront about what I want? Did I ruin my chances by sleeping with him too soon?

[Cheerfull009]

Yes but you wait some more time, if he doesn't change as you expect to then quit, there are many sincere and loving people in this world

[In_Trance]

move on