Is it fair to set strict "dealbreakers" before getting to know someone?

Question

TheRealPepperPotts · Accepted Answer

I agree with the other opinions here. There are some things that are no-brainers when it comes to dealbreakers.

But based on the way you used the word "strict" and placed quotation marks around the word dealbreakers, I think you may be thinking of something more specific than the obvious "no drugs" or "no criminal record", etc. Assuming that's the case, I'd venture to guess you might mean things that are more innocuous and specific to each person. For example, someone insists that a prospective date must be tidy, vegetarian, and like cats. Those may fall into the category of adjustable, especially if we meet someone we like who has to eat meat because they get anemic without it (how do I know this?) or has an allergy to cats.

So, based on that, I think life tends to play out and teach us what is and is not reasonable to insist upon with other people. There's a line between having reasonable expectations and simply being a controlling person.

For the obvious dealbreakers that everyone knows, of course we should maintain those without compromise, because they protect our interests. But with things beyond that, it really requires some finesse and a good sense of self, along with excellent relational skills.

Hopefully, that gives context for the way I'm viewing the question. From that angle, I lean toward no, but with the obvious caveats. People can set whatever dealbreakers they want. But experience is usually required for people to be able to distinguish between a true dealbreaker and a preference disguised as one. :) Hope that makes sense.

silvermoon84 · Accepted Answer

Yes. I was still in the Navy when I started using dating apps, and I said that I was a Christian and also that I wouldn’t date drug users or felons. Weed was illegal at the time. One day, a guy who did time in prison or weed use and possession saw my profile and decided he was interested and messaged me. But he also saw that I wouldn’t date him because he’s a felon and insinuated that I was a bad Christian because “Jesus wouldn’t have discriminated against him, so why should I?”

first of all, criminal records and drug usage are a turn off to many women, and second, his criminal record and drug use could have gotten me thrown out of the Navy, especially since it was weed (which was illegal then) and that can be breathed in. If he smoked it in front of me and then the Navy made me do one of their random piss tests, it could have tested positive for marijuana and I would have been out. Needless to say the guy got upset that I wouldn’t risk getting kicked out of the Navy on a dishonorable discharge to date him, but that’s why I always list what my turn offs are.

People have a right to date or not date anyone they want. If you have one of their dealbreakers, don’t message them trying to shame them into changing their minds like this guy did, just move on.

Finchie40 · Answer

Only if you know the other person is interested in you as well, Yes it’s wise to be honest about what you like and don’t like from the very beginning , to give them a choice on whether they want to continue seeing you or not , it’s the respectful thing to do , instead of stringing someone along and blind siding them. Any girl I meet that I am interested in, I pretty much lay it all on the table for her , of what I am into and not into , or what I will
Accept and not accept , to save us both from wasting time on each other if she doesn’t agree with what I am looking for. Why honesty is the best thing to do when meeting someone you have interest in , instead of just blowing smoke up their ass to appease them and to get your way with them. Which sadly a lot of people tend to do. I use to be that way when I was younger until I realized I was being selfish and dumb and just thinking with my dick over anything else. When I stopped being selfish and started being honest my sex life got a lot better. So just be honest , if someone likes you and wants to be with you , they will more than likely accept you for who you are. No one is perfect on this planet , if they think they are? They are talking out their ass

ShellyB · Answer

Well I guess it is fair but that does not mean it’s a good idea, depending how this comes up, it could make you seem high maintenance or easily offended or something like that. If it comes up naturally for example if you are in a long conversation and the other person asks about things that bother you, that is different and perfectly OK I think. JMO!

Avicenna · Answer

Yes, and communicating them clearly is very important so no one wastes their time.

SomothErgai · Answer

Yes. Having a good understanding of what you're willing to tolerate before moving into the relationship is extremely beneficial. It has been for me. The shitty thing is having to learn over time what is and is not acceptable. But once you've learned those lessons you will save yourself a lot of future headaches.

My list of 5 deal breakers is this:

Not stupid

Not ugly

Not crazy

Not a bitch

Not boring

I call it my school of hard nots. They each have a long sub list of things that qualify as one or the other and this has helped me dodge more bullets than fucking neo

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Not only fair but essential.
Whe I was single I knew I wanted kids. Anyone I was going ondate had to be open to kids, and within a couple of years. Met someone who seemed pretty nice, but she didn't want kids (she already had 2 young kids, didn't want more). Better cut it off from start than waste each others time

Valdemort · Answer

Well, you want to be on the same page or it's not gonna work out long term. Having expectations and boundaries are mandatory...

GeminiDiamond · Answer

Potentially you are setting them up for failure by already projecting them to do a deal breaker. Chemistry has nothing to do with their faults and everything to do with what you love.

dustybiker2 · Answer

Yes. It's called instincts and a person should learn to wake them up and trust them.

molonski2 · Answer

Think it depends on the deal breaker
Convicted crimals /. drugs users / alcoholics
You have to have some firm stances

I wouldn't however be running in with small things early on though , general screening is fine.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

You should have strict dealbreakers before even looking for someone.

madgoat · Answer

Perhaps set some expectations early on while you are looking for a reasonable fit, then leave it until you think it's going somewhere to define them with more clarity.

NicholasRedone · Answer

People, if only you knew my long long hypothetical list of dealbreakers I'd expect my ideal woman to have the same long long list 💍😄

TDDMS · Answer

If on the first date I learn that the woman consumes so much drugs she alone is keeping Big Pharma going, then yes that's a deal breaker.

Tomisworthless · Answer

Well it wouldn't be a deal breaker then if your willing to allow yourself to continue to know them more despite some expectations being broken

princeofromance · Answer

I would, but be careful not to look like a control freak while doing so.

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

Very fair and it saves you a lot of time too!

GlowUpGirly5 · Answer

Yes it'd my standards

FunkyMonkee · Answer

It's starting to look that way!!

TheStaleMarshmellow · Answer

I do, cheat on me. I'm fucking gone

Is it fair to set strict "dealbreakers" before getting to know someone?

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Would you get to know someone before meeting up?

Is it fair to set strict "dealbreakers" before getting to know someone?

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Would you get to know someone before meeting up?

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