How picky are you to avoid dating a person because their past is a dealbreaker?

[Yads_Is_Back]

I recently (actually, it’s been a bit now but it’s a good example) got rid of a guy because he has tattoos and because I wasn’t willing to be his fifth sexual partner. His demeanor isn’t what I want in a man either, but you get the idea of what I’m asking.

To me, I see it as the past is permanent so it cannot be fixed, and some things just don’t settle with me. I’m one who absolutely cannot accept certain things. It’s like marrying a criminal in my view; it’s the past but it is permanently effective.

And I ask this for one reason: I get that judging someone on his/her past is not really an accurate or best way to go, but are there any who get my point and share it, or does this make me kind of evil? Because no, it can’t change. This is my view.
Because I’ll be honest: the first month or two I talked to him he had had a crush on me and he was very kind and treated me well. He made a simple mistake and I found out these things and just - well, that did it for me. Completely turned me off. I can’t lie: he was amazing as far as treatment. And this has been a while ago, but it’s my best example.

Updates

+1 y

Another example is say if you are together or you’ve gotten to know each other, talked/dated a while or whatever and then that person does something stupid like falsely accuses you. To me that just ruins the whole relationship and makes it weird from then on out.

[Anonymous]

If you’re not willing to change your view, asking for answers to this question seems to be a moot point. Everyone has a past, including yourself. It sounds like you have very stringent standards, and you also sound incredibly unforgiving. Both can be disastrous/destructive traits in any relationship, even if you were to somehow end up with your hypothetical perfect guy.

Tattoos sounds like a value thing—that’s fine. You like what you like. The five sexual partners—what is a number you’re willing to accept? One? None? Good luck finding those. Sometimes, even religious guys have slipped up on that front. My husband has slept with at least 12 before me, so 5 honestly doesn’t seem all that high. In fact, I’d be pleasantly surprised if I ever met a guy who had that low a number. That would indicate to me more restraint on his part—most of the guys I’ve been with have had a number like in the 20s. Me? I’ve only had 3, and that includes my husband. Some might say that’s low; some might say that’s too high—it’s all subjective.

One thing I’d say is turn your post around and see if it sounds fair if someone was saying these same kinds of things about you. If you disagree with it, I’d say you’re being unreasonable. It doesn’t make sense to ask people to forgive or look beyond your flaws when it sounds like just one tiny mistake and you’ll kick someone to the curb.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Understood... I will say that if that was me and a guy “kicked me to the curb” over these things that I wouldn’t blame him, so as far as justification I’m content.
I kinda asked because I feel like I’m wrong, and that’s my reason for asking the question. Obviously with it being about me I’m biased, and I wanted other views that might tell me it’s wrong or right or whatever, and why. Honestly, could I change it? No, probably not. But I think if there’s a need to then I could work on myself.
And thank you for being detailed. That helped.

[Opinion Owner]

I do think people can change. Maybe not like a 180 change, but I think that’s what makes us human—we learn to adapt and grow based on experiences we have over time. However, for change to be possible, the individual has to be willing. It does sound like you might be the stubborn type, and possibly even prideful. I get that. I used to be a similar way when I was in my teens and early 20s. I don’t think my views on things started changing until after I was able to get better perspective through some life experiences around my mid-to-late 20s. But that also doesn’t mean you’ll have the same trajectory as I did.

[Opinion Owner]

Also, a footnote—I do think it’s okay to have a certain level of standards. Like I get not wanting to be with someone if they have a past that includes things like criminal activity, cheating, etc. I just don’t think it’s fair to write off people over what I view as more trivial. Of course, what each person considers trivial is subjective too.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Thank you so much. I won’t ask what your specific situation was, but I am the stubborn type - you’re right - and I’m gonna keep what you said in mind, so thank you again

[Opinion Owner]

No problem! Hope that helped some. Stubbornness can also come from past experiences and using it as a defense mechanism that you may or may not be conscious about. Might be worth doing some introspection. I don’t know your situation, so I can’t say this is it, but if that trait comes from a place of hurt, you might need to walk yourself through some healing and self-love before pursuing an s/o. Come to a place where your more comfortable being more open and vulnerable again, while being careful about who you give your heart to. And being optimistic enough to see it’s not all bad. There’s a line between a healthy level of optimism and blind optimism, sure, but I wouldn’t say everyone is a disappointment or cruel, even with the flaws. They might just be tougher to find, which is why I think when they are found, they should be extra cherished and appreciated for who they are.

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for MHO!

[Yads_Is_Back]

Thanks for your help.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

If they've cheated, they're not eligible. If they've been abusive, they're not eligible.

There's several other factors I have as "points of no return" and such, too. Including how they play specific boardgames.

I'm picky about the values that I prioritize and look for.

I'm not about to compromise my values for someone else. I don't give a fuck who they are.

[Yads_Is_Back]

👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

If they’re a cheater, narcissist, and/or any sort of abuser I want nothing to do with it because those people rarely if ever change. Falsely accuses me of what?

Just because he had tattoos and wasn’t a virgin? I would hope you’re not a hypocrite. Otherwise that sounds really excessive. If you didn’t like him or vibe well with him that is okay just say that. Even if you were the second person he could’ve had sex with. The previous sexual partner he had, could’ve had 10 previous partners before him. I would just hope everyone is mature enough to have discussions about sexual health, uses protection, and gets tested regularly. Are you upset because the tattoos had something to do with his girlfriends or their names? If that’s the case then yeah I’d say that that’s creepy and possible mental instability. I love tattoos that are done right. I’m interested in a guy that has tons of them even though I don’t have any. Tattoos don’t always have anything to do with a person’s integrity. Criminals usually have the least tattoos unless they’re part of a gang. Even then those tattoos you can clearly tell what they indicate. A good example is, I wouldn’t date a guy with tear drops near his eye. I’m not trying to figure out why he killed or shot someone.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Not hypocritical about it because if the case was reversed and I had the issues I described of him I wouldn’t blame a guy for not wanting me. I’d feel really guilty of myself, though.
And I’m very repelled by tattoos, period. They make me want to throw up. It’s always been that way. Just not my thing.
As far as the body count, I’m not against him not being a virgin. I’m not either. But I’ve had one partner, who was my first love, and now I have my second partner, whom I love genuinely and will soon be marrying.
So sex is not meant to be just a casual activity to do with everybody - unless the person is a whore. I tie it with love and passion, which obviously doesn’t come with anybody. So no, four casual partners and then wanting me to be his fifth is only pointless high hopes of nothing to come on his part.
Plus, he’s the one who developed a crush on me. He’ll get over it eventually.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Thank you for your good points though 👍🏼

[t-8900]

yeah Tattoos are an instant turn off for me too. My brain registers them as a physical affliction or something. I want a natural body. A woman's skin bare and natural is hot. I dont want it ruined by some nasty ass ink. Also shows they invest poorly.

[Luv2BRealExotic13]

@t-8900

My, so many assumptions about people who get tattoos. I just think it’s silly to be bothered by when there’s actual personality traits to watch out for and knit pick about. Ink is hot too when it’s done right. Some women I’ll look twice like damn that’s a bad ass tatt. My good friend has her full leg done I think it’s so cool. I just don’t see how artistry that’s not directly affecting anyone bothers so many people.

[Yads_Is_Back]

It’s not bothersome to me until the guy asks me out or develops feelings for me. Then it’s a problem because it’s not gonna be mutual.
The rest is just your opinion; some people like tats and some don’t. Personally I don’t; they make me want to throw up. I agree with @t-8900 here.

[t-8900]

@Luv2BRealExotic13 it doesn't bother me if a woman gets tattoos. It bothers me if she gives me a hard time for dumping her after she gets them. I think tats are ugly, no exceptions. Idc how "artistic" they are. If you like pictures hang them in your room. When you get a tat you body spends the rest of it's life fighting to get rid of the ink, it's a poison. It's also a poor way to spend your money. Most men dont like tats on girls, despite what pop culture articles try to tell you. Men are very visual creatures, we are attracted to youth and health. That includes good, healthy skin.

[ItsTheNephilim]

As much as a person's past suggests about their personality, the fact that people change also holds very true. The change may or may not happen within them. If it happens, it may or may not be visible to you. It's very hard to tell sometimes since you haven't know them since forever. No one is to be blamed. Whatever past your guy had, as long as he's willing to move on from that, seeing some greater good in you, he is trying his best to make things right now. Whether you can accept it and make it work or break it of.. It totally depends on you, not everyone lives the same life so it's simply reasonable to hold strong beliefs; you shouldn't be forced to do anything.
Same thing goes for telling each other about each other's past. Some people want to know about that, some don't.

I personally wouldn't like someone with a promiscuous past either. It is as bothering to me as any sort of long period of drug abuse done by a potential partner.

For the most part, it really depends on the situation; whether you are ready to accept them or not, whether they have really changed or not; whether you can actually see the change in them or not etc. A relationship isn't meant to make you uncomfortable. Lies come to the surface one way or the other so you won't be at fault if you happen to ditch them for anything you find bothersome.

[flamiE]

I try to always come from an understanding point of view and I’m not judging. The past could be important, I wouldn’t date someone who was abusive period I wouldn’t care to hear the reason.. if he cheated on his ex I’d want to know what happened to exactly.. but being picky about tattoos or body count is just.. if we click I wouldn’t care about those things, unless we’re talking about a tattoo with the name of his ex or a crazy body count lol but 4 is not even bad.. in my opinion, though it’d depend on his age.


About the update, that’d be a present situation that’s got nothing to do with the past? Or maybe I misread it. But well if we got together and I got falsely accused I wouldn’t be turned off by him accusing me per se but him not trusting me and more like, haven’t I done enough to prove that I’m trustworthy.. that’d be a turn if for me.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Both scenarios are past examples. And your viewpoint is appreciated so thank you. This is the kind of answers I was looking for so thank you for contributing

[flamiE]

Aw I see.. And you’re welcome 😊

[Berethor]

I avoid dating sluts, and it considered picky by nowadays standards, because there is so many sluts nowadays. Technically I can tolerate quite a lot of girl's flaws as long as she is not slut, and I used to be more picky in the past. I am also not a fan of tattoos, but I might tolerate them as long as the girl is not a slut, but that said girls with tattoos tend to be slutty, so it's mostly theoretical statement. I understand you, I am also not a big believer in redemption, as far as I'm concerned once a slut, always a slut. You not evil, you just judgmental, and people with dark past deserve to be judged.

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MadonnaWhoreComplex

[Yads_Is_Back]

Right

[veral]

Sorry it's a bad things for someone to have tattoos?

[Berethor]

Most guys don't like tattoos on girls, and some girls don't like tattoos on guys too. Having tattoos usually associated with being bad boy or bad girl, and bad girls are less popular than bad boys, one of the reasons for that is that badness tend to be associated more with masculinity than femininity.

tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TattooedCrook

tvtropes.org/.../AllGirlsWantBadBoys

tvtropes.org/.../LightFeminineAndDarkFeminine

tvtropes.org/.../NobleMaleRoguishMale

[NyceGuyFinishingLast]

It is perfectly fine that you don't want to be with someone because of their past. That is your preference just don't hold it against someone if they do the same to you. If you cheated on a past relationship, is that how you want to be viewed for the rest of your life? Will you be OK if someone wants to discard you because they feel like they could never trust you?

People don't make bright decisions and it becomes a part of their past. How does one heal if the people around will not allow it? I believe that some things are unforgivable and cannot be forgotten. Like people that have a past of always trying to sue their place of employment for wrong doing. Win or lose, future job interviews won't go so well because no one will hire them for fear of getting sued.

I guess it would depend on the severity of the deed that would make me think twice about giving someone a chance. I am sure you have your reasons.

[Yads_Is_Back]

I agree with you. I’m not one to cheat so that doesn’t apply, but it’s completely understandable if someone was to turn me down based on my past decisions. I don’t feel hypocritical about that - more like justified.
To the last part, well, it’s his crush and not mine so he’ll get over it eventually.

[NyceGuyFinishingLast]

Yeah the cheating was an example as they say once a cheater always a cheater. If that were the case there would be a lot less relationships in the world. Do what feels right to you. Only two outcomes would be that you will either be happy or not happy about your decision. Then life moves on.

[SCRUMPSHUDILLIOCIOUS]

I tend to form my opinion of a person based upon how they carry themselves and interact
with me personally, as well as others while in my presence. Sure, histories can be shaded
and have plenty gray areas but I don’t live in the realm of yesteryear. That’s not to say vital
information isn’t detrimental to one’s possible well being. But if there is nothing that draws
light to being concerned for my well being, I won’t imply or ask. Besides, if anything real
comes from this friendship, they will eventually share things that they feel needs to be shared.

[Reesep]

Personally I think the only limiting factor on someone changing is if the beleive they can change. Though i think a lot of people struggle to actully believe they can change themselves. Though i do think people change over time, there was a time in my life where didn't trust anyone who drank or smoked, didn't like anyone with a tattoo or gages (I was raised with some pretty old values, very religious) but fast forward and after a couple of years and lots of trying to change, I stopped carring, now i dont think twice abiut any of those things, and the only reason I changed is because, I wanted to. I didn't wanna be prejudice like my parents, I wanted to just meet people and know them as they were.

[ThongQueenFlirt]

I had just moved to SC where I met someone, but he turned out to be my cousin. I didn't know, except he was family. And where I'm from, your cousins are like your brother or sister. But it wasn't in this case. People would see him talking to me, but no one pulled me to the side to tell me he was/is a rapist. Knowing someone's past can save you. I didn't know. I was very naive and a bit too trusting. He raped me! I was 24 and still a virgin at the time. If someone had told me, it wouldn't have happened. So yeah, someone's past can go right into the future with them. Choose wisely!.

[Ripper_E]

I get what you are saying. For me, it really depends on what it is, because no one is perfect. You would be a hypocrite if you don't someone because of theft but you have also stolen things or have done things that are bad. So, in my view, it really depends. I'm not saint, but I'm not going to be with someone that raped someone or something like that.

Present, Past, and then Future. The only thing we can do anything about is the present, but the past determines what we will do. We take what we know and make a decision now. The future is unknown. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. The past matters, but how I view someone isn't solely determined by their past.

[Levin]

Tattoos are 5 sexual partners doesn't seem so bad.

I'm not a fan of tattoos, but they're not necessarily a deal breaker.

5 doesn't seem a lot. Most people are usually way into their 10s, 20s, even more.

I could be making this up but didn't you say you had commitment issues or something?

But yeah, I am kind of like you. After a certain point, I can't take it. Too many sexual partners I can't abide by usually.

[Yads_Is_Back]

No, I don’t have commitment issues, so it wasn’t me. But these are dealbreakers for me and therefore obviously I refused to commit to this guy. I pretty much bailed on him, told him I didn’t want to communicate anymore and that he’s not what I want in a man, and he chased me until I literally threatened to call the cops.

[ohshee]

I wish I could be that way sometimes, but if it's something someone has told me about a person I need to tint out my self I can tell with in min if a person is good or bad but then I start to feel a person and I listen you find sometimes people are just misunderstood I to am very picky if going in to a relationship it's kinda hard to even get me into one but I think you have a good system and has probably saved you from drama and heartache

[Yads_Is_Back]

Definitely!

[George7000]

I am picky and almost left a girl for having too many tattoos, but after she explained the meaning behind them I realized that the ink did not make the girl it just made her feel like herself and after getting to know more about her I found out that she was a really nice person... I do not have any tattoos but thats just a matter of choice

[Yads_Is_Back]

I did dump a guy for having one tat before

[pervertedjester]

It seems like you're asking for forgiveness, from strangers, for moving on without doing much in the way of repairing the issue at the time. If you feel guilty about it then you should address the issue to him. Trying to ease your mind by asking strangers is like popping bubble wrap, feels good at the time but in the end you're still holding onto trash.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Not the intent of the post
I simply provided an example of what I was asking, and I even included another one as an update. Apparently I suck at wording questions on GAG because people get confused, so I provided examples.
I don’t regret any of this or need forgiveness, etc. He has a crush on me, but I haven’t communicated with him in a while, and that’s all apart from the fact that I’m about to marry the man I love who is worth my love and so much more

[GlitterFairy16]

Extremely picky, i don't date guys who've fuck around, been lazy, committed crimes, treated people badly, cheated, done drugs. I myself have struggled with alcohol addiction from a young age and turned my life around from it. I don't ever want disfunction in my life ever again and i know them type of people are toxic for me.

[Yads_Is_Back]

Good point

[Cozzy81]

If you want any kind of future with anyone you can't hang on the past. After all did you fall for them now or back then? This is such a silly thing to hold against someone and it definitely won't help them change. If I were an ex-con but now I hold a good job, cleaned myself up and treat you well does it really matter what the past held for me? Just an example.

[Yads_Is_Back]

I never fell for him DUE to these reasons. I can’t like him mutually and these things are a big part of why. He’s the one with the crush, but he will get over it at some point.

[Cozzy81]

Agreed

[Espresso-Grande]

I'll overlook some things, but not everything. We all have our own personal deal-breakera and preferences. No one can say someone's evil or that their preferences are wrong, because we all have different outlooks and mindsets. So we all have different desires , wants and needs in a potential partner

[Kurαȷ]

I can accept one or a couple of past mistakes, but if their history seems to be littered with them, or if they are recent, then I will have to assume that they are either lying about what their values are or have no real desire to change them.
And neither of those scenarios is something I want to deal with in a potential partner.

[Grayone]

Part of that is simple. Don't date a guy with tats, the second is, deamenor is also a reason to or not to date. The third more relevant issue is the amount of partners thing. 5 isn't very many. So I will ask. What if had had only one? Perhaps an ex wife and they were married for 4 years and have had sex at least a 800 times. Is that different? What if the other guy only has had sex 5 total times stretched out over 5 years? Is that different? What if the married guys wife had cheated 30 times, so by a slippery sloap you could say he's been with 31 people.

[chriscdi]

i get what you mean but tbh some people can be worth the time, its why unless i get bad vibes off them i dont really deny them completely without giving a chance, i get to know the person at least a bit before i judge because no one is the same and some people come from different problems and struggles which can lead them to making mistakes and hard decisions, you should try putting yourself in their shoes on why they did what they did and try not to judge them unless there's no good reason.

[sensible27]

Strange game, the only way to win is not to play. Picky but after a point it doesn't matter, if you actually think they've changed it shouldn't matter but I'm not the right guy for this, I'm too too selective (maybe for my own good) or used to be anyways.