How picky are you to avoid dating a person because their past is a dealbreaker?

Question

I recently (actually, it’s been a bit now but it’s a good example) got rid of a guy because he has tattoos and because I wasn’t willing to be his fifth sexual partner. His demeanor isn’t what I want in a man either, but you get the idea of what I’m asking.

To me, I see it as the past is permanent so it cannot be fixed, and some things just don’t settle with me. I’m one who absolutely cannot accept certain things. It’s like marrying a criminal in my view; it’s the past but it is permanently effective.

And I ask this for one reason: I get that judging someone on his/her past is not really an accurate or best way to go, but are there any who get my point and share it, or does this make me kind of evil? Because no, it can’t change. This is my view.
Because I’ll be honest: the first month or two I talked to him he had had a crush on me and he was very kind and treated me well. He made a simple mistake and I found out these things and just - well, that did it for me. Completely turned me off. I can’t lie: he was amazing as far as treatment. And this has been a while ago, but it’s my best example.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

If you’re not willing to change your view, asking for answers to this question seems to be a moot point. Everyone has a past, including yourself. It sounds like you have very stringent standards, and you also sound incredibly unforgiving. Both can be disastrous/destructive traits in any relationship, even if you were to somehow end up with your hypothetical perfect guy.

Tattoos sounds like a value thing—that’s fine. You like what you like. The five sexual partners—what is a number you’re willing to accept? One? None? Good luck finding those. Sometimes, even religious guys have slipped up on that front. My husband has slept with at least 12 before me, so 5 honestly doesn’t seem all that high. In fact, I’d be pleasantly surprised if I ever met a guy who had that low a number. That would indicate to me more restraint on his part—most of the guys I’ve been with have had a number like in the 20s. Me? I’ve only had 3, and that includes my husband. Some might say that’s low; some might say that’s too high—it’s all subjective.

One thing I’d say is turn your post around and see if it sounds fair if someone was saying these same kinds of things about you. If you disagree with it, I’d say you’re being unreasonable. It doesn’t make sense to ask people to forgive or look beyond your flaws when it sounds like just one tiny mistake and you’ll kick someone to the curb.

Smoke-n-Growls · Accepted Answer

If they've cheated, they're not eligible. If they've been abusive, they're not eligible.

There's several other factors I have as "points of no return" and such, too. Including how they play specific boardgames.

I'm picky about the values that I prioritize and look for.

I'm not about to compromise my values for someone else. I don't give a fuck who they are.

Luv2BRealExotic13 · Answer

If they’re a cheater, narcissist, and/or any sort of abuser I want nothing to do with it because those people rarely if ever change. Falsely accuses me of what?

Just because he had tattoos and wasn’t a virgin? I would hope you’re not a hypocrite. Otherwise that sounds really excessive. If you didn’t like him or vibe well with him that is okay just say that. Even if you were the second person he could’ve had sex with. The previous sexual partner he had, could’ve had 10 previous partners before him. I would just hope everyone is mature enough to have discussions about sexual health, uses protection, and gets tested regularly. Are you upset because the tattoos had something to do with his girlfriends or their names? If that’s the case then yeah I’d say that that’s creepy and possible mental instability. I love tattoos that are done right. I’m interested in a guy that has tons of them even though I don’t have any. Tattoos don’t always have anything to do with a person’s integrity. Criminals usually have the least tattoos unless they’re part of a gang. Even then those tattoos you can clearly tell what they indicate. A good example is, I wouldn’t date a guy with tear drops near his eye. I’m not trying to figure out why he killed or shot someone.

ItsTheNephilim · Answer

As much as a person's past suggests about their personality, the fact that people change also holds very true. The change may or may not happen within them. If it happens, it may or may not be visible to you. It's very hard to tell sometimes since you haven't know them since forever. No one is to be blamed. Whatever past your guy had, as long as he's willing to move on from that, seeing some greater good in you, he is trying his best to make things right now. Whether you can accept it and make it work or break it of.. It totally depends on you, not everyone lives the same life so it's simply reasonable to hold strong beliefs; you shouldn't be forced to do anything.
Same thing goes for telling each other about each other's past. Some people want to know about that, some don't.

I personally wouldn't like someone with a promiscuous past either. It is as bothering to me as any sort of long period of drug abuse done by a potential partner.

For the most part, it really depends on the situation; whether you are ready to accept them or not, whether they have really changed or not; whether you can actually see the change in them or not etc. A relationship isn't meant to make you uncomfortable. Lies come to the surface one way or the other so you won't be at fault if you happen to ditch them for anything you find bothersome.

flamiE · Answer

I try to always come from an understanding point of view and I’m not judging. The past could be important, I wouldn’t date someone who was abusive period I wouldn’t care to hear the reason.. if he cheated on his ex I’d want to know what happened to exactly.. but being picky about tattoos or body count is just.. if we click I wouldn’t care about those things, unless we’re talking about a tattoo with the name of his ex or a crazy body count lol but 4 is not even bad.. in my opinion, though it’d depend on his age.

About the update, that’d be a present situation that’s got nothing to do with the past? Or maybe I misread it. But well if we got together and I got falsely accused I wouldn’t be turned off by him accusing me per se but him not trusting me and more like, haven’t I done enough to prove that I’m trustworthy.. that’d be a turn if for me.

Berethor · Answer

I avoid dating sluts, and it considered picky by nowadays standards, because there is so many sluts nowadays. Technically I can tolerate quite a lot of girl's flaws as long as she is not slut, and I used to be more picky in the past. I am also not a fan of tattoos, but I might tolerate them as long as the girl is not a slut, but that said girls with tattoos tend to be slutty, so it's mostly theoretical statement. I understand you, I am also not a big believer in redemption, as far as I'm concerned once a slut, always a slut. You not evil, you just judgmental, and people with dark past deserve to be judged.

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MadonnaWhoreComplex

NyceGuyFinishingLast · Answer

It is perfectly fine that you don't want to be with someone because of their past. That is your preference just don't hold it against someone if they do the same to you. If you cheated on a past relationship, is that how you want to be viewed for the rest of your life? Will you be OK if someone wants to discard you because they feel like they could never trust you?

People don't make bright decisions and it becomes a part of their past. How does one heal if the people around will not allow it? I believe that some things are unforgivable and cannot be forgotten. Like people that have a past of always trying to sue their place of employment for wrong doing. Win or lose, future job interviews won't go so well because no one will hire them for fear of getting sued.

I guess it would depend on the severity of the deed that would make me think twice about giving someone a chance. I am sure you have your reasons.

SCRUMPSHUDILLIOCIOUS · Answer

I tend to form my opinion of a person based upon how they carry themselves and interact
with me personally, as well as others while in my presence. Sure, histories can be shaded
and have plenty gray areas but I don’t live in the realm of yesteryear. That’s not to say vital
information isn’t detrimental to one’s possible well being. But if there is nothing that draws
light to being concerned for my well being, I won’t imply or ask. Besides, if anything real
comes from this friendship, they will eventually share things that they feel needs to be shared.

Reesep · Answer

Personally I think the only limiting factor on someone changing is if the beleive they can change. Though i think a lot of people struggle to actully believe they can change themselves. Though i do think people change over time, there was a time in my life where didn't trust anyone who drank or smoked, didn't like anyone with a tattoo or gages (I was raised with some pretty old values, very religious) but fast forward and after a couple of years and lots of trying to change, I stopped carring, now i dont think twice abiut any of those things, and the only reason I changed is because, I wanted to. I didn't wanna be prejudice like my parents, I wanted to just meet people and know them as they were.

ThongQueenFlirt · Answer

I had just moved to SC where I met someone, but he turned out to be my cousin. I didn't know, except he was family. And where I'm from, your cousins are like your brother or sister. But it wasn't in this case. People would see him talking to me, but no one pulled me to the side to tell me he was/is a rapist. Knowing someone's past can save you. I didn't know. I was very naive and a bit too trusting. He raped me! I was 24 and still a virgin at the time. If someone had told me, it wouldn't have happened. So yeah, someone's past can go right into the future with them. Choose wisely!.

Ripper_E · Answer

I get what you are saying. For me, it really depends on what it is, because no one is perfect. You would be a hypocrite if you don't someone because of theft but you have also stolen things or have done things that are bad. So, in my view, it really depends. I'm not saint, but I'm not going to be with someone that raped someone or something like that.

Present, Past, and then Future. The only thing we can do anything about is the present, but the past determines what we will do. We take what we know and make a decision now. The future is unknown. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. The past matters, but how I view someone isn't solely determined by their past.

Levin · Answer

Tattoos are 5 sexual partners doesn't seem so bad.

I'm not a fan of tattoos, but they're not necessarily a deal breaker.

5 doesn't seem a lot. Most people are usually way into their 10s, 20s, even more.

I could be making this up but didn't you say you had commitment issues or something?

But yeah, I am kind of like you. After a certain point, I can't take it. Too many sexual partners I can't abide by usually.

ohshee · Answer

I wish I could be that way sometimes, but if it's something someone has told me about a person I need to tint out my self I can tell with in min if a person is good or bad but then I start to feel a person and I listen you find sometimes people are just misunderstood I to am very picky if going in to a relationship it's kinda hard to even get me into one but I think you have a good system and has probably saved you from drama and heartache

George7000 · Answer

I am picky and almost left a girl for having too many tattoos, but after she explained the meaning behind them I realized that the ink did not make the girl it just made her feel like herself and after getting to know more about her I found out that she was a really nice person... I do not have any tattoos but thats just a matter of choice

pervertedjester · Answer

It seems like you're asking for forgiveness, from strangers, for moving on without doing much in the way of repairing the issue at the time. If you feel guilty about it then you should address the issue to him. Trying to ease your mind by asking strangers is like popping bubble wrap, feels good at the time but in the end you're still holding onto trash.

GlitterFairy16 · Answer

Extremely picky, i don't date guys who've fuck around, been lazy, committed crimes, treated people badly, cheated, done drugs. I myself have struggled with alcohol addiction from a young age and turned my life around from it. I don't ever want disfunction in my life ever again and i know them type of people are toxic for me.

Cozzy81 · Answer

If you want any kind of future with anyone you can't hang on the past. After all did you fall for them now or back then? This is such a silly thing to hold against someone and it definitely won't help them change. If I were an ex-con but now I hold a good job, cleaned myself up and treat you well does it really matter what the past held for me? Just an example.

Espresso-Grande · Answer

I'll overlook some things, but not everything. We all have our own personal deal-breakera and preferences. No one can say someone's evil or that their preferences are wrong, because we all have different outlooks and mindsets. So we all have different desires , wants and needs in a potential partner

Kurαȷ · Answer

I can accept one or a couple of past mistakes, but if their history seems to be littered with them, or if they are recent, then I will have to assume that they are either lying about what their values are or have no real desire to change them.
And neither of those scenarios is something I want to deal with in a potential partner.

Grayone · Answer

Part of that is simple. Don't date a guy with tats, the second is, deamenor is also a reason to or not to date. The third more relevant issue is the amount of partners thing. 5 isn't very many. So I will ask. What if had had only one? Perhaps an ex wife and they were married for 4 years and have had sex at least a 800 times. Is that different? What if the other guy only has had sex 5 total times stretched out over 5 years? Is that different? What if the married guys wife had cheated 30 times, so by a slippery sloap you could say he's been with 31 people.

chriscdi · Answer

i get what you mean but tbh some people can be worth the time, its why unless i get bad vibes off them i dont really deny them completely without giving a chance, i get to know the person at least a bit before i judge because no one is the same and some people come from different problems and struggles which can lead them to making mistakes and hard decisions, you should try putting yourself in their shoes on why they did what they did and try not to judge them unless there's no good reason.

sensible27 · Answer

Strange game, the only way to win is not to play. Picky but after a point it doesn't matter, if you actually think they've changed it shouldn't matter but I'm not the right guy for this, I'm too too selective (maybe for my own good) or used to be anyways.

SirRexington · Answer

The past is like a shadow, it follows you wherever you go, the light shines it into view. It haunts you like a spectre you can't rid yourself of. That's why personal responsibility is so important.

I have only a few deal breakers but sadly women and men have low low standards nowadays. All I ask is she doesn't have more than 5 partners, that she doesn't smoke or do drugs and that she likes my taste in music. That's it.

Danny_dan92 · Answer

High body count is scrictly determined by their appearance and age.

For example.

If you take two attractive women and one is 20

And the other is 30

And both have the same body count of say...

10?

I’d always go with the 30 y/o

Every day. Why? Cause it means she isn’t a slut, and nobody wants a slut

Wewladdy · Answer

You're wrong about someone's past not being an accurate judgment of them. Their past is based off their morality and everything, unless there's a paradigm shift. But even then, you can't change the fact that a person is a whore, or has other issues, and is unsuitable for a relationship.

It's not being picky. It's being smart. Why the hell would I invest the rest of my life into a whore?

winterfox10 · Answer

Did you ever doubt that you were his priority? Because I feel like the most important thing is whether or not the person makes you their priority. I’ve never dated anyone with more than 5 partners though

Avicenna · Answer

It depends. If she's in a big financial hole, suffers from mental illness due to her past, was a sex worker, has kids, has a history of STDs or can't commit and has trust issues due to her past, yeah, those are all dealbreakers.

NameWidNoFace · Answer

Nah you’re jus a bitch, it’s shallow to dump someone cos a tattoo but whatever

keep being you, keep being a bitch

personally I would date someone for who they are, I wouldn’t care about their tattoos if I loved them

Anonymous · Answer

It is not so much the past more about how they deal with it and take charge of the present.

but things i wouldn’t accept is domestic violence, violence toward children, someone who left their kids for no reason at all. Would never be with someone who accuses me or something and can’t take responsibility for themselves.

for me i don’t see tattoos as a dealbreaker and i wouldn’t mind being a man’s 5ft or even 10th or 20th sexual partner.

spartan55 · Answer

I guess his tattoos were cool when you first got together? You didn't see them?

Juxtapose · Answer

Wow, only his fifth? I would consider that inexperienced still.

KeziL · Answer

I can look past a lot if I feel someone is worth dating. I don't much mind their past, it's how they treat me in the present. Obviously their past can tell you a lot about who they are and how they act, but I will judge them based on the present too.

TremorJay · Answer

I'm more interested in where they are going than where they have been.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

Im very harsh with somethings and not harsh with others. For example if a girl did something generally dumb i dont care. But if she made poor sexual choices then she's gone.

Sevenpointfive · Answer

i can't date someone i know has dated someone i've known or had sex/messed around with them

Anonymous · Answer

I'm willing to do overlook a girls past if she's moving towards a brighter more stable future and if that means eliminating old friends who continue to do stupid things then so be it. But if people are living their life vicariously one day at a time with low self esteem and not changing their ways. Why would I give her a chance?

Anonymous · Answer

The only thing thats a deal breaker for me is a criminal past, or having had hundreds of sexual partners.. I personally have only had 8 including my wife. My wife before me had only had 2. if it goes beyond 10 im not interested. I dont get along well with promiscuity.

MCheetah · Answer

They are "dealbreakers" for a reason. Most I won't budge on, unless she makes some SERIOUS efforts to amend for her past (that's assuming she even needs to).

Jjpayne · Answer

I have to give a person a little mercy. Besides I look at a person's present highlights rather than their past faults.

AlwaysBelieving · Answer

I'm not picky about a gal's past. The thing I realized is that we ALL have a past. Even if you don't have a "past", there is a reason for that and that might be even "bigger" than a person with a past.

iFarted · Answer

Whats the difference from being a person 2nd 5th or even 10th sexual partner? It's still not the 1st.

I'm don't dwell on their past unless its quite extreme like they have a history of cheating and crime.

Anonymous · Answer

If a woman has a high body count I won't even touch them. I dont date prostitutes, I have standards.

Nawlins34 · Answer

I don't just look at their past, I also look at what they are currently doing to separate themselves from said past. the sum of the two says a lot.

gemgem · Answer

I wouldn't call that picky, it's just having standards. Someone who has no standards or expectations for their partner just screams that they have no self-esteem, and doesn't think they deserve any better.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Your past matters, because it was your present when you did it.

roody · Answer

I don't think the past is a big factor for me. As long as they're clean, I don't have an issue.

007kingifrit · Answer

i don't like tatoos either so that can be a dealbreaker but # of sexual partners is a tough thing to justify dumping someone over... i mean it would have to be really high and even then only because it highlights other potential problems

KirstyW · Answer

No, I get your point. Past behaviour doesn't always prove a perfect indicator of future behaviour, but it is often pretty accurate.

jasco · Answer

Frankly as long as she has stop being something negative in her past, then her present is all that matters

blkgold33 · Answer

I'm kinda lost you didn't like his tattoos or his attitude or whatever

Anonymous · Answer

Lol serious. Tattoos and had sex with five? Having had sex with five isn’t a lot. Dating for you i gonna be very difficult.

Iron_Man · Answer

I’m very picky if they have a shady past and have been with a lot of man I’m not gonna waste a minute on her

Grond21 · Answer

Yes, but I have a lot of mercy if they have changed, healed from the past, and dealt with the ramifications. It is still important though

alance99 · Answer

I totally agree with you, there are certain things which can't be ignored from a person's past and there is no gurantee that they won't turn to it in future, so best thing is to dont date them

COMMODOREII · Answer

todavía estoy disponible. un dia mi amor un dia.  😂😂 Just playing.  Love you my friend.  💓💓🌹🌹

Tstrbrainer · Answer

I get your point. I never faced such situations, but it's alright to be picky when selecting a life partner. So I don't think you should change your view

Anonymous · Answer

Well you just have to find someone who matches you... That's all... I personally think it's silly to judge someones past... But to each their own

AmeerX · Answer

I think your reasoning was fine but i do wonder how was your past

Anonymous · Answer

Quite very. We shouldn't judge others but someones past can say a lot about that person. Let's be honest most people are bound to repeat their same mistakes.

Protein_mate · Answer

I don't really care to be honest. Unless she has a past of cheating etc

Kdude010 · Answer

I'm the same. I wouldn't want a girlfriend that slept around then suddenly settling with me. Pretty emasculating on my part lmao

mrgspoter · Answer

Awe id expect that from ya being so sweet n innocent a lady.

How picky are you to avoid dating a person because their past is a dealbreaker?

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