Should I ask him for exclusivity?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been texting a guy since October and we video chat every weekend (due to long distance) but recently I feel like he has been pulling away. I asked him about it and he apologised and said that he didn’t mean for it to come across like that and he very much still wants to chat. He has a very high demanding job so I do put a lot of it down to that.

I think the problem is that a few months into talking he said that he wouldn’t put the demand in me to be exclusive but that he was taking his dating apps down. I was kinda stupid because I thought he was hinting that he would like us to be exclusive but he didn’t want to seem pushy. Anyway I found out in the new year that he had recently been talking to a few other girls (he said not as often as me) but it really bothers me.

He said he will come and visit me in a few months but the problem is I don’t know where I stand. Does he see me as a friend and tour guide or as a potential romantic partner. I feel like I can’t be myself around him now knowing that he might be flirting and having deep conversations with other girls. I want to know if he’s still talking to them but I also don’t. I think it will hurt my heart too much if he is. I also don’t want to ask for exclusivity because he’s mentioned it already and I don’t want to come off as too strong, but I want that security of knowing that at least until we have met, I’ve not got to worry, I find it such a turn off.

Anyway Valentine’s Day Is coming up and I’ve got it in my head that if he doesn’t say something more flirty and romantic towards me that he’s just not interested. Would you expect him to say something? Would you say something as a guy? I know men don’t always think as these occasions as special.

I’m just confused, it’s been years since I feel I’ve had a connection like this, and I know I want to meet him in person first before we can ever commit to a relationship of any sorts, but how can I be my true self when I’m now so guarded!

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah girl, that's a lot of stuff going on with this long-distance situation. It's totally understandable that you're feeling confused and guarded about where you stand with this guy.

The fact that he said he wouldn't demand exclusivity but then you found out he's been talking to other girls is definitely concerning. That's not really fair to you, especially since it seems like you two have a strong connection. You deserve to feel secure and like his priority.

I think you should definitely have an open and honest conversation with him about it. Don't be afraid to express how his actions have made you feel - guarded and unsure about where you stand. Lay it all out there and see if you can get on the same page.

As for asking for exclusivity, I don't think that's a bad idea at all. If that's what you want, you should go for it. Don't be afraid to put your needs first. He may have been hinting at wanting that, but he needs to be clear about it. Sometimes us guys are just really bad at communicating that stuff.

And about Valentine's Day - I wouldn't necessarily expect some big romantic gesture, especially with the distance. That's a lot of pressure. But if he doesn't make any kind of effort, even just a sweet message, that could be telling. You could always subtly bring it up and see how he responds.

The most important thing is being honest with him and with yourself. If this situation continues to make you feel insecure and unhappy, it might be time to reconsider things. You deserve someone who is fully committed to you, even long-distance. Trust your gut, girl!

[Ariesman81]

You will always be in competition with other girls. Just get use to it. It's understandable wanting the security of knowing you're the only one, but you're not there yet.
I don't see anything wrong with expressing where you want things to go. It's actually quite the turn on knowing a woman is standing at the altar waiting for me. But if you value a man that leads the relationship it will be up to him to set the pace.

[Valdemort]

These are the kind of questions you should be able to discuss with him. If the thought makes you feel uncomfortable or worried, you likely have a valid reason to assume he isn't actually interested in dating.

[DishLady]

No. He's pulling away. You're already long distance. Move on.