Girls, would you date a guy who really has not much else going for him except being a genuinely loving and caring devoted partner who appreciates you?

[Anonymous]

Please be honest although I'd appreciate it if you weren't rude, I just want to see what the results are and hear some feedback from the female perspective. Essentially the point blank of it is I'm not even close to an appealing partner.

I live off less than $1000 a month before rent if I lost all my spare weight & trimmed my beard, I am MAYBE a 5 out of 10 in looks. I wouldn't say I'm ugly but saying I'm attractive is just pity or comforting flattery and I know it.

I struggle a lot with mental health & depression & have enough baggage from multiple traumatic events to fill a C-130. I'm ADHD, OCD & Bipolar and even on my best days it shows. I'm medicated & in therapy but there's limits in certain cases to how much you can change because a lot of it is chemical because my body chemistry is all messed up.

My brain often bounces between giving me way too much dopamine & not giving me any which makes it hard to keep my emotions stable. Obviously its stressful not just for me but the people who have to see it & I have problems with my speech patterns being too loud on accident even when I try not to and aware of it. I also have a robbery felony from a guy I was lied to about him being an attempted rapist. "Vigilante justice situation but she lied."

The one thing going for me is I try to be a good person & make sure to focus on my partner to make sure I meet their emotional needs not just their physical ones. In the past when I've attempted dating, I've done things like bring flowers made picnic baskets personally to go on a lunch date in the park etc. There have been times where I listened to woman cry comforting them 6 days a week from 10PM-3AM on days I was busy running off 2-4 hours of sleep for literal months.

Basically, I'm average or bellow in every way except for the fact I'll do everything I possibly can to be the best partner I can, stand up for them & make sure they feel truly loved & valued. That's it. That's what I bring to the table. Love and respect.

Yes.

No.

If there's a real connection maybe.

If there's a real connection yes.

No even a connection isn't enough under these circumstances, it just wouldn't work.

If we'd known each other for a while and had a good friendship first, then I'd give it a chance and see what happened.

Being objectively honest you're wasting your time trying.

[HollyK21]

Money aside, I wouldn’t date a guy like this, who admittedly has tons of baggage he hasn’t unpacked/dealt with, on top of mental health issues that probably get triggered by said baggage. Simply put — you should really work on yourself and get your life in order before bringing a woman into the mix. I know single life can get lonely and I’m sure you want a girlfriend but that doesn’t sound like it should be a priority for you right now.

[Asker]

I've been working with my therapist on doing better with my mental stuff and trauma, but I think parts of me are broken that just can't be fixed and like I said the brain chemistry issue is something I can't do anything about period beyond meds. My meds are in the best place they've been before but I'm under no illusions that I'm not very stable and I never really have been my whole life. I think I'm starting to figure out where my growth limit is at for some of these things and I felt it was too low for me to stand a chance. I appreciate the honesty.

My therapist and dad keep telling me I should keep trying but I feel like I've been slamming my head into a brick wall for decades and I've been so unsuccessful and used and abused so many times even trying to put myself out there is starting to feel like self-abuse. I wish they would stop encouraging me it makes it harder than it already is.

[HollyK21]

I don’t want to get into your business by asking how long you’ve been going to therapy, but I would say to keep in mind that you’ve spent your whole life becoming who you are. It’s going to take some real time to see the sort of difference you’re looking for. I agree, there’s some things that will always be part of you, but at least if you can heal it to the point that you don’t feel broken, then you can navigate everything else.

I feel like it’s hard to focus on finding a woman when you’re in this state. What you want is to be able to bring your best self to the table, not some broken version of yourself that you hope a woman can heal.

You are a good person, and that will absolutely add to your value on the dating market. But it’s hard for women to see that when it comes with a lot of traumas or episodes. I don’t think you’re a lost case, there’s plenty you can work on to build your confidence even when it comes to your mental health. That will always be part of you but a woman will feel much more comfortable if she sees you handling it the right way.

[Asker]

I don't mind if you ask about my therapy stuff, I'm pretty open about these things to people who ask especially people who want advice dealing with people like me that's part of why I'm here. A lot of people seem to think I give good relationship advice so I come here to try and help steer people in the direction of love where I can. The majority of questions I answer are dating advice requests.

You're right my head is not in a good place for a relationship, but part of the problem is a lot of the worst of this is coming from feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I don't have any friends that I've ever met in person, and I've never dated or anything like that. People forget we're monkeys. We need touch, sex, social bonds and people close to us both friends and a lover. I spent two decades in an abusive friend circle and my dad says the shift in my confidence since cutting them out is noticeable and he says I'm making progress but it a lot of ways it doesn't feel like it.

It's really stressful when I was little, I loved getting touched I always gave hugs to anyone who asked I didn't mind shaking hands with people, and I didn't mind sitting close to people I liked and trusted. It's different now, people touching me makes me feel paranoid and uneasy if I don't know them well and even getting hugged by my dad is somehow comforting and uncomfortable at the same time and I'm closer to him than anyone else in the world.

I get hugged maybe 2 times a month and that's the only touch I get unless someone touches me on accident. It's incredibly frustrating I feel so stressed from the lack of friendship, companionship, love and touch. It's messing with my head really badly and making me feel hollow. I know getting into a relationship when you're unstable is a bad idea but part of the reason I feel so unstable is I feel so isolated, and I want a real bond and deep connection with at least someone.

[DishLady]

A guy has to have a full and complete life of his own. So should a girl. Having one with "nothing going for them" doesn't work in the long run because the other person gets burned out.

[Asker]

Pretty much my take too. My dad and therapist keep telling me I should keep trying but it feels stupid to even consider it with my circumstances. They keep trying to encourage me to get back out there, but I don't want to hurt more than I already do so the honesty is welcome, and it helps keep me grounded so thank you.

[DishLady]

I mean... you COULD try with someone else. Perhaps the person you were with wasn't worth your effort. Doesn't mean you should NEVER try again...

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Sure, why not? I have my own mental health issues to add to the relationship so we could be crazy together lol

The money thing, we'd figure out over time. As long as he was caring and could deal with me and my issues then I don't see why it couldn't work.

[Asker]

Well at least my odds are greater than 0%

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Indeed! Good luck in your search

[Abbycado]

Once I read about your emotional stability, that was a no for me, unfortunately. Just being honest.

[Asker]

Makes sense and was expected thanks for the honesty. My dad and therapist keep telling me I should keep trying but I just feel like I've been wasting my time on something that never really had a chance of happening. The loneliness is bad enough, but they keep telling me I need to keep trying which makes it harder to cope with it. I wish they'd stop encouraging me.

[Abbycado]

I think you need to work on you first and not worry about dating right now. That can always come later when you are feeling better about yourself.

[Asker]

I'm almost 30 never had a girlfriend have no experience either dating or in bed save 1 time that made me feel sick and hollow. Financially I think I'm at the apex of what I can achieve in life and that alone felt like a death nail in the dating coffin. I get really tired of hearing all the blind optimism and encouragement I'm a pragmatist I prefer a truth that hurts to a lie that makes me live in denial.

As for feeling better about myself I think there's limits to how much right I have to feel good about myself and the case for that is made above. I do think think I can get better than I am but better enough to get a good job and achieve a level of normalcy I think there are things that just aren't possible for me with some of this. I think some of my issues are rooted to deep to heal. I'm not going to trauma dump, but I've seen some horrible things that still make me cry years later just thinking about them. They're the kind of things you see when you close your eyes, and I think as well as my doctors and dad think there's a decent chance, I have PTSD at this point but resources in my area are limited and I haven't had another diagnosis of my mental state since I was 13, I think and a lot of this stuff has happened long after that.