Why won't the guy im seeing make it official?

[hdog101]

Okay so I have been seeing a guy for about 5 months now, three months of which have been exclusive. So I am at the point where I want to be an official couple and I think 5 months has been enough time to know if you want to be with someone or not. However, he disagrees.

When we met, he gave me the speech of “the next girl I seriously date I want to marry.” So we took our time but things progressed quickly. I basically live at his house, he bought me a bedside table, he bought me toiletries to have when im over etc. Over the last month or longer he has been saying he's going to make things official “soon.” However, I have met his entire family, have gone on vacation with them, he's met my whole family and friend group and when we hangout he introduces me to his friends and family as his girlfriend. However, in his mind “we are not official.” We are exclusive, but not official, yet refer to each other as boyfriend and gf….

So I am at the point where I am extremely confused as to what we are and im impatient waiting for him to ask me. Every time he says he will, he never does. So, I am slowly going crazy waiting around for so long for him to ask and I did something bad and went through his phone because in my head im thinking he must be waiting for someone better to come along or has started talking to someone new. I found nothing too concerning, but I got caught and he got really upset and said I broke our trust and that I need to work on building it back up. But I can't keep waiting around for him to ask me to be official cause im going crazy and having bad thoughts and I dont know what to do. He tells me all the things I wanna hear like he misses me, how much he likes me, wants to build a future with me etc. But Im having a hard time lately believing what he says because if he truly meant it he would make things “official” or whatever that means. What should I do? Do I run? Do I wait till the trust is built back up? Why is he taking his time asking me?

[SteveSmith1985]

I think your boyfriend has some real genuine commitment issues. (like real ones).

For the rest of the world, there is no difference between "being exclusive" and "being official."

I am positive about that, because I talk to people so often about this that I have had to coin my own term, so I can reference it in conversations. I call it the "Exclusivity Conversation" and I must have talked to a couple hundred people about it on here.

I am very confident about this part. Your boyfriend has created his own category that does not exist in any other relationship.

So it sounds like you two have a very close relationship, and your lives are becoming intertwined in a way that is clearly consistent with a relationship. He is not afraid of any of the actions of a committed guy.

However, for some reason (that I can't tell you) this guy is scared to death of making an actual commitment. He's so scared, that he invented a whole new step in the process of getting together... specifically to avoid having to commit.

He is willing to play the part of committed boyfriend. He doesn't have commitment issues in that regard (that's actually the common version of it. Usually he'd be pulling back inexplicably once he felt you two getting closer. Usually its the implied commitment that scares people with commitment issues. Not the words).

So I don't know what exactly scares this guy about actually agreeing to be an "official" couple. Because there is no such thing.

Exclusive is "officially a couple." Exclusive is "boyfriend and girlfriend"

This is not a simple case of a guy being unwilling to commit.

It's a guy unwilling to commit for sure. But it's way deeper than a simple unwillingness. This is more complicated. Something about being "official" is way harder than it should be for this guy to be cool with. He has genuine commitment issues.

I can't tell you what you should do. But if you stick around, you may need to get some more help for him to deal with these commitment issues... because I doubt this is going to be the only way those issues affect him in the real world. I doubt this will be one single hump in an otherwise smooth road when it comes to him an commitment in a relationship.

This one's genuinely stumping me. I haven't ever heard of a guy acting like this (or girl).

[MannMitAntworten]

“Official”? Apparently he needs to explain his definition of official to you as you do not even know what he means. You need to sit him down and express your sentiments before you decide or get talked into, “running”. Tell him exactly how your mind is processing all of this. If when he explains himself your mind and heart are at ease, just wait him out doing whatever he is doing in his head. If not and especially you feel even less at ease, perhaps it is time to decide whether or not you really are wasting your time or not.

[PeachyPie93]

This is why you don't let things be not official right from the beginning because people love to play commitment bullshit all the time. You can stay and wait it out since you sound basically close enough to dating but I don't know I personally like guys who can commit right away since its like why is breaking up so hard now, all you have to do is say its over I am not interested. People be acting like dating is marriage because they don't have the balls to be seen as the bad guy if it doesn't work out which I find cowardly and pathetic.

[Shiprex]

He's not obligated to go at the speed YOU want and the invasion of privacy has shown him that you're not as honest as you ought to be.

You KNOW it's 21st century and all that patriarchal BS of men should pop the question and all that is out of the window. ASK HIM YOURSELF if you're this keen. He can only say no, not yet or yes. Then you're not hanging around unsure of when. It MAY trigger him to make the next move.

[Staximus]

You said "3 months have been exclusive". Who was still seeing other people during the first 2 months, you or him or both?

[hdog101]

Both of us, not physically for me, I was just still talking to other people

[BarryLiverstone]

You are official