My boyfriend make horrible misogynistic comment on internet, What should I?

[Anonymous]

He's really nice to me but I found out that he write vile misogynistic on internet like saying :

"Only purpose of women is for sex"

He's also very racist especially against Muslim and Black. Said he would never date a woman if she dated one fo those saying they're whore and traitor.

He also commented on how he had sex with a 15 years old when he was 25 and how having sex with a woman inebriated is ok and not rape.

I'm not sure what to think of it because while he have said such horrible things he's the sweetest to me and have never been mean to me.

I went to his country for Holliday but he want me to stay permanently, said I could find a job easily but I don't speak the language neither can I read the words because they don't use latin letters. He told me I could easily learn it fast.

I'm confused what to do because I love him and even though he made mean comment, he never ever treated me badly or yelled at me or anything.

Stay

Leave

[SteveSmith1985]

Leave. How are you not sure about this?

It doesn't get much clearer than this. Your boyfriend is a piece of shit.

His sweetness is fake. You're a woman. You know how he feels about women.

Believing he sees you differently than the misogynistic views he's expressing online is ridiculous. It's willful blindness.

Your boyfriend is not who he is pretending to be with you. It's impossible for a guy to actually be sweet, caring and affectionate and then say this shit online.

This is the real him. He's a racist misogynist.

Why are you even thinking about this? Leave! He's not who you thought he was.

There is no "talking this through"

There is no "working things out"

You're insane if you stay with this guy after knowing what he's truly like. You were dating a monster in a mask. Now you've seen the ugly truth under the mask.

[Asker]

I love him I thought maybe it was not so bad, I didn't think everyone would be so against it, I guess I'm not good for seeing red flag, it did worry me a bit to see the comment but not to this point either.
He told me I was good and sweet though, couldn't he see me as different to others even if he have bad view about others women? He's my first relationship, I have never been with anyone before.

I'm debating this because I have hope he may see me as different than others women.
Could he use violence against me? Seeing all the comment it make me wonder if a guy like him would be willing to use violence against me?

[SteveSmith1985]

So this is a big red flag for sure. The fact that this is your first relationship makes it all the more important you take this seriously.

Nobody who says things like that online, can see you differently. Deep down, at the end of the day, he's going to see you as a woman. That is a fact. I'm not saying he is sitting there actively hating you. But again, at the end of the day, you're a woman and always will be. He has specific views about women.

So the answer is no, he can't see you as different.

As for violence. Guys with these views are often the ones who are violent. That is not to say that every guy with these views will become violent; but many violent boyfriends have openly misogynistic views. It goes together with a worldview in which women exist only in relation to men. This view of women being worth less (good only for sex) is often the basis for a man to feel violence is appropriate when he's angry.

Do not get me wrong. There is nothing in what you wrote here, that means he will use violence. There are definitely asshole misogynistic guys who aren't violent.

Your chances of a guy being violent are a hell of a lot higher with a guy with these beliefs. It's not an indicator of violence. It's definitely a red-flag for that possibility though.

how long have you been with this guy?

[Asker]

A fews years since I'm 18 and he's 29, I'm 25 now but it's mostly an online relationship, it's just recently I went to see him since we life far away.

Idon't really know to think of all of this, he was really so nice to me since always, it's just recently I have seen his comment and he continue to make them and have made them since he was in his early 20s.

[SteveSmith1985]

So this guy is a misogynist. He has been for years. Please don't move to this man's country. That's a horrible idea.

How do you make sense of it yourself? How does the guy who seems so sweet to you, have these vile views for years?

[Asker]

I did not really want to leave my country because losing my friend would be too much and I don't even speak his language.

Well he say women are whore because they sleep around and it's their job to not sleep around to keep the family good and I do not sleep around, I'm a virgin so Ithougth every bad thought he have for women don't apply to me since like he say I'm "innocent"

[SteveSmith1985]

Well you're right that he wouldn't consider you a whore because you're a virgin. But how messed-up is that?

If you don't speak the language, moving there is setting yourself up to be in the perfect position to be abused. If he turns out to not be as kind, or fair as you think (something that can happen in any relationship) then you're trapped. This man's attitudes towards women do apply to you.

The fact that this is long-distance, and also that you don't speak the language, and would be leaving everybody you know... and that this is your first relationship... makes this the perfect storm.

[Asker]

I heard it so often that I don't even see it as being weird to be honest

He told me I did not need to learn the language that I could just learn it there and they were special school for it.
This start to sound really bad sadly, yes I did wonder what I could do if he turned bad to me.
It have all the red flag possible it seem...
Perfect storm?

[SteveSmith1985]

oh sorry "perfect storm" is an expression in English. It means "a bunch of things coming together to create something terrible (the storm)"

I am not saying that he has some nefarious plan. But yea, it's a red flag for sure. You would be in a very vulnerable position without knowing the language. Not knowing any of your neighbours, not being able to ask for directions, or for help. It's just a situation that is extraordinarily isolating (by its nature).

I don't know what you could do if things went bad. You may not even be able to find help from neighbors or police. (depending. I haven't a clue what country you're talking about).

Some countries are very different in their attitudes about what should remain "a husband's private business with his wife" when it comes to violence in a relationship. Some places the police won't help you. (again, depending).

I am glad you seem to be taking this seriously. That's good to see. Do you parents know him at all? (I'm going to guess probably not because of the distance). Or your friends? If he takes your phone, can anyone get in touch with you? Can you get in touch with anyone without a phone or speaking the language? It's scary.

[Asker]

It's true it's a very isolating situation, I guess I could ask for help from the police but I know in his country they believe that a what happen between husband and wife should stay their business only.
For the neighbors I have no idea if they would help or not I guess it depend on which one I fall onto?

No they don't know about him, theyre pretty overprotective so I never told them anything about him.
Well I have my computer too.

[SteveSmith1985]

You would be totally isolated. You can't go to police or neighbours. Your access to a computer is 100% dependent on his allowing it. (if he were to disallow you access, there isn't a damn thing you could do about it).

Honestly. I talk to all kinds of women on here. Many are in some extremely messed up terrible situations. I have never in my life, come across a woman who I thought was making a more dangerous decision. I really mean that. You moving to his country, has so much potential to go badly, I can't even put it into words.

This guy has all the hallmarks of the kind of guy who becomes abusive. The attitudes about women, and virginity, and all that. It's exactly the views of a guy you don't want to be with. I would be urging you to break up with this guy, if he was living in the same city.

The idea of moving to his country is like walking off a cliff, and expecting not to fall. It's very very very clear what is going to happen if you keep walking on this path (it's clear that it's going to be fucked up. Just how awful it will be? That isn't clear. But it'll be bad, that's very clear).

Again, I'm 40 years old. I talk to women all the time, about their relationship situations. I have been shocked for sure at some of the situations I've run across.

Yours is shocking in a different way. I've never run across this before. This is the most dangerous thing I have ever known any woman to consider.

I wish I could use more than mere words, to convey just how bad an idea I think it would be; for you to move to his country.

[Asker]

You can disallow access?

I'm considering doing it but I haven't done anything to start because I'm anxious about leaving my friends and family and also because his country have a worse economics situation than mine.

I'm not sure what to do, I'm afraid but I really like him

It's pretty crazy to hear that I'm the worst situation you've heard about, it's actually shocking

[SteveSmith1985]

It's the most dangerous situation. Not the worst. The worst would be situations which are as bad as the worst-case versions of what I fear for you. (except they were not nearly as isolated in terms of being able to seek help... if they chose to. Choosing to is hard enough. But you literally can't).

He can disallow access. If he takes your computer, or tells you not to use it. All you can do is try and plead and beg him to change his mind.

You seem to be totally unaware of the obvious danger. This is not like "I'm going to travel alone to a foreign country"... that would be dangerous... but not stupid.

Moving in with a guy you thought was sweet, but turns out to hold some vile misogynist views... is a bad idea. Moving to a country where you don't have a job, speak the language with a guy like that, is insane. If its a country where police are not going to help with "domestic disputes" then you are setting yourself up to be trapped and isolated.

This is like walking around a dangerous part of town at nigh... naked. It's just setting yourself up to be harmed. It's not something anyone in their right mind would ever do. Becausae its clearly dangerous. It has an extremely high potential to go badly.

So it's possible, that you end up being safe walking around naked in a bad part of town. But taking off your clothes and deciding it's a chance worth taking... is... insane (considering how much potential there is, for you to come to serious harm).

[Anonymous]

Stay. He's good to you and that's what matters. You might not understand his opinions or find them extreme, but I'm sure he has his reasons for believing it.

My only concern is, where are you from and where is he from? Because it seems strange if he's racist but dates someone from outside his country, unless you are the same race.

[Anonymous]

It's just an act for now. There are many instances of men acting like this and as soon as you're married, their real character comes out. Spare yourself and get out as fast as you can.

[Asker]

This is disheartening to hear, I thought I was able to find a good man... We share the same traditional value on gender roles, it's rare to find nowadays.

[Opinion Owner]

But he doesn't. What he says on the internet is what he really thinks unfortunately.

[Nikki1989]

Don't put up with garbage from douchebags that have shit for brains.

[Asker]

I love him though and I really thought he was gonna be the good, the one I was gonna marry

[Jennz6]

Stay and talk to him, tell him what you think

[Asker]

I talked to him and he just acted like he did not understand what I was trying to talk to him about, at first he said it was normal, nothing wrong with what he said then he acted like he could not understand what I was trying to say

[EmmaMary]

I think you already know the answer to this.

[Asker]

I know but I don't want to leave him there's so many feminine guys, it's rare to find real men nowadays. He have said bad things on internet but couldn't it be just provocation to get a reaction? And not being what he really think?

[EmmaMary]

You call this lowlife a "real man"? For goodness sake wake up and get a life.

[Asker]

He's ways more manly and nicer to me than any other man I know. He don't let people walk all over him like many men now. He also drink ways less than before, he did it for me.

[EmmaMary]

He's already started to show his controlling attitude by telling you to stay in his Country, get a job, and learn the language... Huge Massive Red Flag.

[Asker]

For the country we just had to chose one him or mine and he dislike mine. If I have to stay in his country I need to know the language it's normal, told me I needed to learn the culture too but all this is normal, I'm not gonna import my culture in another country. I need to follow the custom.

I did not know this was stuff considered controlling? I think it's pretty normal things.

[EmmaMary]

Have it your own way... Good Luck. smh

[Anonymous]

So the man is a pedophile and you have to ask us if he’s a bad person?🧐

[Asker]

It's legal in his country and in mine too, we have 11 years age difference, I meet him when I was 18 and he was 29.

[Opinion Owner]

Damn what’s the legal age i that backwards place?

[Asker]

It's 15 minimum age

[Opinion Owner]

That’s kinda young , but it’s better than 14 I can’t remember what country has the youngest legal age but it was ridiculous.

[Asker]

Germany and Brazil have 13 or 14 I think, it's very young pretty pedhophilic yes

[Opinion Owner]

Lord they need the fbi.

[Opinion Owner]

But he still made the rape comment about drunk women , so I would still be worried about criminal activity even if that wasn’t criminal in that country.

[Asker]

That's legal in both of our country too so it don't really surprise me if he think it's ok, he told me that women that drink want sex but accuse of rape because they're ashamed of what they have done.

[Opinion Owner]

Rape is legal in your country too? Where are you living hell?

[Asker]

Defition of rape here is different, it's not about consent but being forced (having bruises, black eyes, scratch marks), being don't mean it's rape as you still consented.

[Opinion Owner]

You can’t consent if you’re intoxicated.

[Asker]

You can because you chose to drink and what happen after if your problem, that's the law

[Opinion Owner]

I say this with the upmost disdain , please dont have kids.

[Asker]

I'm planing to and sorry but that's the laws where I live, the police officer literally went into my school when I was 13 to tell us not to drink because it's not considered as rape but as consent here.

[Opinion Owner]

Then your country is fucked up

[Asker]

No that's normal if you don't want to get wasted and agree to sex with stranger then don't drink

[Yohenis]

Bro is more red pilled than red pillers

[Asker]

What does it mean though? Because on text he used this expression but I never really caught what it really actually meant, he just told me it's a code for traditional relationship.

[Yohenis]

He's a red pilled guy means he aware of women nature and realities he's also into self improvement constantly evaluate his performance against other women. You're in for a ride girl 😂😂

[Asker]

I feel like I fall into a trap now
He's like super nice though I mean at first he did not believe me when I told him I was a virgin and never had a relationship but after he belived me.
I also send him like pics of me in lingeries, you're making me stress right no, is it really that bad?

[Yohenis]

He is into traditional roles means he will protect you feed you love you but once you cheat on him or he smells blood you're done. Don't send him your pictures.

[Asker]

I love traditional role which is why I was attracted to him in the first place. I'm not planing to cheat.
What do you mean by smell blood?
I already did...

[Asker]

I send plenty of pics since he asked for a lot and seemed nice

[Yohenis]

Smell blood like sexting other guys or any hint of you're cheating. You did but don't do it again. Trust me you'll thank me later. You're around a shark atm. You're. Dating a red pilled guy you're in for so much surprises

[Yohenis]

It's fine but don't send your naked pictures lol

[Asker]

I'm not planing to do any crazy things like that but I mean if he's that bad he can accuse me of cheating for the tiniest stuff..
OK I won't send anymore.
I did not think it was that bad.
Which kind? I'm getting stressed right now

I didn't the worst I did was lingeries and bikini

[Asker]

He would do bad things with them?

[Yohenis]

He won't but you never know dating red pillers come with a significant risk.

[Asker]

I guess as long as I don't cheat I'm safe? Or is there any others crazy stuff?

[Yohenis]

Yeah sorta you have to. Devote all of your attention to. Him he won't kill you lol he will simply ghost you red pillers don't have their emotion in their control

[Asker]

So if I don't give him my whole attention all the time he'll ghost me? Like that? That's wild to simply ghost people like that
They're too emotional?

[Yohenis]

Hell not ghost you he will upgrade he will find someone better.

[Yohenis]

For red pillers it doesn't matter

[Asker]

So he don't love at all? He said I was a sweet girls and good?

[Yohenis]

Sweet girl as long as you don't give him a hint of dissatisfaction.

[Asker]

This is all so black and white, it's actually giving me second thought now, kinda feel like he don't love me at all, just stay with me cause I'm good but if I do one single things he dislike he's gonna ghost me like that? Without any feeling?

[Asker]

And if I give him a hint of. dissatisfaction then I'm good for nothing and get ghosted?

[Yohenis]

He does love you what he's not comfortable with is you cheating with him or being dishonest with him you need to assure him you'll be there for him no matter what

[Asker]

I really love him though, I don't have any wish neither any thought to cheat on him. That would be a though relationship though if he's persuaded I'm up to something bad. How do you even reasure someone that think you're up to no good just because he distrust any woman?

[Yohenis]

Easy cook for him fed him submit to him all of your attention should be on him. Make him feel like he's the only one you have eyes on. Rest everything will fall into place

[Danny_dan92]

Terminate the relationship then

[Asker]

I don't want to

[Danny_dan92]

Well then remain miserable

[BarryLiverstone]

Be been nice to you, right?

[Asker]

Yes, he's really nice, he said bad stuff on internet but never done anything bad to me at least not for now I guess

[Asker]

He has been the nicest to me out of everyone others person and text me all day (which is kinda weird cause he told me he work in administration never told me more though)

[BarryLiverstone]

Usually people act fake on the internet for various reasons and will not act the same irl.

You said you visited him on holiday. How long did you stay and did you meet his family? You can better learn how good of a match he is by seeing him interact with others irl

[Asker]

I stayed 2 weeks, I didn't meet his family, he didn't really speak of them either.
He didn't interact with anyone, we just stayed together, he told me he used to drink but stopped

[BarryLiverstone]

2 weeks. He works in administration. What did you do while he was at work? Tell me about his friends that you met those 2 weeks and how he acted with them

[Asker]

He took day off when I went to see him, while I was there he give me recipe he wanted me to cook for him.
I did not meet his friend we just stayed in his house together, did not do much except going to buy food or staying at a park near his house.

[BarryLiverstone]

Sorry, there seems to be many details missing. Something feels off here. Guess I have answered your question but I’d have to ask more to understand and try to help you

[Asker]

You can ask more I will answer

[BarryLiverstone]

Go ahead and follow me on here. I think you are not giving details to keep it vague, makes sense as it’s a public question.

[BarryLiverstone]

Overall I’m just confused as to what makes you like him. No family, no friends, no hobbies, what are you finding in common?

[Asker]

He's physically attractive, he's intelligent, he's nice to me and I think he's pretty manly, real man, he don't take any shit from anyone. He was into the army and I like to cook for people and having them enjoy my cooking.
We have similar political view, I'm interested by his culture too.

[BarryLiverstone]

Politics are shared. What else? The reason why I was asking about his family and friends was for you to see a preview of how he would be as a husband. If you were to marry him it sounds like you would not do much with other people and it’s you and him alone for your life. As he’s currently not around other people and as a real man has shown examples of pushing others away

[BarryLiverstone]

by the way I’m not trying to be mean, just am not understanding how you fell in love. Maybe I missed details.

[Asker]

I like traditional gender roles and it's good if it's just us alone.
He's just very patient and explained a lot of things about his country, his culture, explained to me a lot of things in general.
I realised I loved him when he talked about having kids and feeling of love don't really have any explanation it's just a feeling when you feel it's the good

[BarryLiverstone]

I’m going to guess the guys you have talked to or dated before him have not been as masculine? It’s normal to talk about having kids but he is a kid to his parents.. so if you did have children with him you don’t want his parents involved?

[Asker]

I didn't date anyone before him, all the guys I talked to before were very feminine or weird.
I'm ok with what he want, he never talked about them, I don't want to make him uncomfortable

[BarryLiverstone]

A part of dating is conflict resolution. You staying perfect and not wanting to make him uncomfortable is fake. He can’t see the real you and can’t connect with who you really are if you hold back. It’s acceptable to be ok with what he wants on some things but your goals of perfection are going to make this hurt even more when it crashes. But you know that right?

[Asker]

The more perfect I'm the less likely he's to cheat or leave

[BarryLiverstone]

Wrong. That may work for a day or a month. But long term to more you remain fake the greater chances he leaves. The only way to build a lasting relationship is by being authentic and vulnerable so that someone else can help fill in the gaps. Right now you are acting perfect so he can’t ever connect with the real you

[BarryLiverstone]

What you are doing is exactly what many guys do in the beginning.. they act like the nicest and sweetest guy. It’s called love bombing.

[Asker]

I can't force him to do things he don't want, I can only be ok with them if I want us to remain together

[BarryLiverstone]

“You” are not together with him. The person you are acting like is with him. “You” are left alone and over time will only build up resentment. It’s your first relationship tho, most people don’t marry the first person they date.

[BarryLiverstone]

What do you want?