Girl code, am I doing the right thing letting my friend have the guy I liked?

Question

My best friend helped me a lot for years, and she had a hard life. Recently there was this guy we both fancy, but I decided to step aside and leave him to her, she seems very happy…

did I do the right thing?

Maybe_Maybe_not · Accepted Answer

It's an intriguing scenario, I don't think I've ever faced or heard about it.

Trying to deconstruct what you said. You stepped aside because you feel like you're in debt, symbolically, to your friend. So that's a gesture towards the "right thing to do" because you believe that what you're doing is repaying something you owe. Let's get fancy. What if this guy turns out to be a jerk? What if it turns out their future relationship becomes a negative experience? Are you really repaying a debt by stepping aside then? Lol, I'm not here to torture you and your morals though. Just a little.

In how I look at the world, guys and girls aren't trophies, so there's never any competition. As a result, I can't step aside. A girl I'm interested in is responsible for who she chooses to have near her. If she's, internally, comparing me to another guy, it probably means she isn't going to be good for me. Because it implies that she's browsing things instead of relating to a person.

Bottom line, the right thing to do, in my book, is to interact with people the simple way, without thinking of myself like I'm moving on a chessboard. Without thinking that I'm sacrificing things to win a game. Because there is no game I want to be part of, in this context.

Now, again, that's theoretical. I haven't find myself in this situation you described.

Chazmatazz269 · Accepted Answer

No. You let him decide. If she turns out to be wrong for him, you haven’t done him or her any favors. If you’re mature and self aware enough to meaningfully consider what you have to offer him, and that leads you to believe that you’re better for him than your friend is, you should let him choose. Maybe more to the point, make him choose.
I have a theory that most men are Reese’s kinds of people. His first thought upon being given a choice between two good things is probably, “What if i could have both?”. Ell oh ell! Let him work through that moment and decide for himself who is the better mate.

Victoria_Vienna · Accepted Answer

I guess the motive behind it is that you know she's had a hard time and you would like to see her potentially happy relationship with this guy? Your putting her needs before you're own.

The motive behind it tells you if you did the right thing or not and that you're a genuine friend.

However, when I was younger , a friend of mine liked this guy. He asked me out on a date, but I declined knowing my friend liked him. In hindsight did I do the right thing? Not really. I ended up in a relationship with an abuser and she got married and cut me out her life. How different my life could've been if I'd said yes to that guy. I knew he was a good man.

HawkPerception · Answer

You didn't do wrong or right in that scenario, but it speaks volumes about your character. It means you genuinely want your friend's happiness and would rather sacrifice your own happiness to let her achieve hers.

However, I think the best approach would have been to tell her that you're also interested in the guy and don't want to get into a fight over him that ruins your friendship. Maybe just have a friendly decider to see who he prefers while dating. That would have been what I would have done if it was me and a guy friend that wanted the same girl.

Summeroflove · Answer

Well if you’re not in a relationship with someone you don’t have a claim over someone. You can’t control what he does or she does. Can you stop talking to them? Yes.

The issue too is….. If he chose her. If she chose him. Then they probably like one another. Leave someone else’s relationship alone. If you wait to approach someone you just missed your chance.

ohsheeT · Answer

Yes I believe you did the right thing and it takes an unselfish person to do think you're great. I would be your friend any day. I did the same thing except for I just started dating the girl and one of my best friends that I work with saw sir. An He fell in love with her He's a good guy.
She's a good girl And they belong together so it happened

Finchie40 · Answer

No you didn’t , if you liked him as well then you should have went for it whether your friend likes it or not. I can’t tell you how many times my friends’ and I would go after the same girl , it just comes down to her decision, not your friends’ decision so now that you let your friend have him , you are best to bite the bullet and find someone else

DishLady · Answer

She’s a jerk if she takes him.

Avicenna · Answer

Yes, you did the right thing

Zylos · Answer

What I would say is that you did not have to make this choice, and I think it would have been perfectly okay for you to pursue a guy you fancied. I mean, I find it a bit problematic if people are expected to just suppress their feelings and watch as others get the person they wanted.

So what I am saying is that you did her a big favor, but you have to take responsibility for that choice, because it was your choice, and not something I think we should reasonably expect of each other.

You acted selflessly, which is beautiful, but also remember to be kind to yourself.

Cormac995 · Answer

You did a nice thing but you blocked that guy out permanently as a cost. Even if they break up if you got with him after it would destroy your friendship. You picked your friend over yourself. I don't know if you made the right or the wrong choice but you did a nice thing and you're a good friend.

Lynx122 · Answer

It depends. You don't have to deny your own desires to be a good friend. If you both met him at the same time you don't have an obligation to step aside. But if you can live with the decision then that's fine :). Life is a journey and part of it is to learn how to be true to yourself and go after what you want in life but still be respectful of other people. In the future maybe you'll be more comfortable with some competition :)

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

If you have self control then it's ok.

As someone pointed it out that you seeing them happy layer making you jealous and then you trying to poach him back by seducing him planting doubts ruining their relationship etc etc to much hassle..

Just try to distance yourself from them for some time.

And don't think about them be very careful in your next steps.

Med_guy1978 · Answer

Very noble thing to do. I did it many times and I messed up. That guy could have been that guy, then again... He may have been that guy for your friend? So in my experience I would have taken her to the side and talked about it, you can't make someone like you so you both should have made him aware you like him subtly and leave the rest to fate.

Anonymous · Answer

Well ideally it would be his choice. His body his choice right. Second he might not even be interested in either one of you. So for either one of you to lay your claim is ridiculous. Third maybe he can date both of you. Women do it all the time w multiple men to see who can prove is worthy of their companionship. Maybe a threesome lol

molonski2 · Answer

The only way I'd know is to ask him , and know the quality of your friend , it's an impossible question to answer..

But never just ," stand aside " thinking that the choice is yours , that's simply arrogance.

Sun_Kim-Ai · Answer

I think you did a very nice gesture. This is the first question in a while that shows there are good people on this cesspool of a site.

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

I wouldn't have done the same thing, honestly. We would go "May the best win."

D_Bone_Steak · Answer

I've done it for the bros before. To be honest, none of them appreciated it and if I could go back in time I'd just bang those girls myself. The bros can go get their own damn hoes.

ProbablyClueless · Answer

No. At the end of the day, it’s the guy’s choice who he wants to date.  You were being a good friend by not trying to sabotage her or whatever else, but she doesn’t get to claim dibs on a guy

fonduegirl · Answer

As long as he wasn't the love of your life or something, sure. If he was just some hot guy both of you were scoping, yeah that's noble of you to give up.

For all we know, this man is taken by somebody else and none of you two get him

MemeSupreme · Answer

do you feel like it was the right thing i just let whatever happen and if he likes me then he likes me. im not competitive about it

Screenwriter · Answer

It doesn't sound like it was a big sacrifice for you. Was it? Are you regretting your decision?

LiamS95 · Answer

Yes, as long as you can be happy about what you unselfishly did.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Sure as long as you don't try to hookup with him later lol.

Anonymous · Answer

if you two truly had girl code, wouldn't she be doing the same thing towards you? letting you have him? honestly. just see who the guy likes best.

StephanieChick111 · Answer

Kind of but she is your best friend so you should have just shared him.

Staximus · Answer

If the guy was trying to fool around with both of you and knew you two were friends then he's a shitbag

CarolinaCutie5 · Answer

You dont own him and he doesn't like you back. He liked your friend.

findacure4wokeness · Answer

I did the same thing 30 years ago and for 20 years after that I asked myself this question.

Anonymous · Answer

It's amazing how people keep asking this same question every couple weeks

Pohjolan · Answer

Well evidently you didn't like him that much so yes.

StevenMcGarrett · Answer

No, if she was really your best friend you could have shared him. Sharing is caring.

spartan55 · Answer

How noble of you...🙄

OneViewpoint · Answer

You'll know the answer in about 50 years.

exitseven · Answer

yes, you can get the next one.

Nerdvana · Answer

Who does he like? op

noohair · Answer

I think you did the right thing.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Well that's up to him does he like you or her

qwerty2469 · Answer

Nope. She wouldn't do the same for you.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, I think you are.

robocop666 · Answer

did he want you aswell?

WhitneySnow · Answer

Yes. You did.

The-Stud · Answer

Noble

seeyounexttuesday · Answer

sure.

cavedweller1973 · Answer

Nope

Girl code, am I doing the right thing letting my friend have the guy I liked?

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