Guy friend (28m) slept at my (26f) place while drunk. should I tell my boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

So I went to my friends birthday. We had some drinks and i got too drunk. My boyfriend is out of the town. We went to a club with small group of friends later and at some point, i sat on the lap of one of my friends for a while. Then me and my friends danced with different people, including him and my friends (the dancing was not the bad part because its something we always do with group of friends and also my boyfriend). My friends (girls) got quite angry with me because when the club closed i invited all of them to go to my place to drink some wine (it isn't something thats very rare because quite often they leave if something gets on their nerves). The girlfriends went away quite randomly but the guy friend came with me (we took a taxi). Im quite grateful that he took me to my home but at the same time i now feel guilty as hell. When we arrived we sat on the couch and drank a glass of wine and chatted but then fell asleep on the couch. We didn't do anything sexually, i would never cheat on my boyfriend. In the morning we woke up, i went to my bed and he left. I even had the coat on me when i woke up so i know nothing happend (because i went for a cigarette at some point and didn't take it off before falling asleep). Right now im thinking whether i should tell my boyfriend about that or no. I know he probably won't find out about the situation but it was so disrespectful from me. I love him very much and i never would want to hurt him. What should i do?

Updates

6 mo

i spoke with my both of my friends who were there in the club and they told me it wasn't so bad and we mostly danced alltogether but I don't know..
I really truly didn't do anything more with him than the things im saying. just feel it was crossing the border and I would never do anything like that again. I think have problems with alcohol so i also decided that i will stop partying and drinking for sure because this situation freaked me out. i feel like it was a wake up call for me

[Summeroflove]

Well… then tell your boyfriend. If you know you never did anything sexually then it isn’t cheating.

Cheating comes down to intent.. if you intended something to happen that’s different. But communicate… If you feel guilty express that to him. That’s what people in health relationships don

[Asker]

i just feel he would not belive i had no intention of doing anthing sexual because it sounds so different.

[Summeroflove]

Asker that comes down to trust. If it comes down to it be open and honest. Not everything is sexual… Unfortunately there is a lot of legitimate cheating going on and genuine concerns that’s met with gaslighting.

But that’s the difference between you and someone whose cheated. A cheater covering it up would immediately start gaslighting and getting either overly defensive or maybe overcompensating.

If you have guilt despite not doing anything romantic or sexual. Means that… Yiu aren’t someone cheating

[Bitter_Sweet94]

Yes but how you tell him matters.

A guy friend crashing at your place while drunk isn’t automatically suspicious, but keeping it secret is what creates problems.

When you’re in a relationship, transparency protects trust.

If the situation was harmless, then tell it the same way.

Your friend was drunk, you made sure he was safe, nothing happened, and you didn’t want him driving or getting hurt.

Simple, calm, and direct.

You don’t need dramatic explanations.

You don’t need to over justify it.

Just give the facts with a steady tone.

If your boyfriend is reasonable, he’ll appreciate honesty more than perfection.

And if he isn’t reasonable about something harmless? That tells you something about the relationship too.

[SueShe]

There are way too many people involved in this story for the entire situation to remain silent. It is bound to be revealed to your boyfriend at one time or another.

What is better? For him to find out through a friend or through you? If he finds out through a friend, then the trust in you will be shattered because he will think that you have something to hide. If on the other hand, you tell him before anyone else does, it indicates that you have no secrets to hide from him.

He is obviously going to question you and your motives but it is still better than if he finds out through a third party.

[Asker]

thank u. but i made deal with my girlfriends who were there that we are just going to forget it and move on. the friend in question knows my boyfriend but the see each other only when i invite my boyfriend also there. so if they do not see each other for at least 6 months - maybe after that this will be forgotten. i will also cut all ties with this dude

[OneViewpoint]

So you're a drunk and a smoker in a relationship who invites drunken guys back to your place for the night when your boyfriend's out of town. You sound like the ideal girlfriend. There should be some kind of award for that.

Do your boyfriend a favor and break up with him. One of these days something is going to happen. It's who you are.

[zagor]

Nothing wrong there. I've spent the night at the home of girls I wasn't involved with after drinking too much. Better for all concerned.

[Asker]

thank u. i just feel that it was wrong i invited him to apartment i share with partner.

[Alex-Snow]

Only you can make that decision. First of all block or do not hang with the guy who spent the night. When he knew that he was the only one coming to your apartment I'm sure he might have thought he might get lucky. I guess it depends on how well you think your boyfriend trusts you.

Also maybe go easy on the booze especially if your boyfriend is not around. Just a thought.

[Abbycado]

You definitely have issues controlling yourself while drinking. You should be honest about what happened and work on your issue.

[Asker]

thank u. im just afraid that if i told him he wouldn't never belive that anything else didn't happen and iy would ruin it in the long term.

[Abbycado]

He is going to find out from someone most likely.

[Asker]

thank u. but i made deal with my girlfriends who were there that we are just going to forget it and move on. the friend in question knows my boyfriend but the see each other only when i invite my boyfriend also there. so if they do not see each other for at least 6 months- maybe after that this will be forgotten.

[Abbycado]

Well, it is ultimately your decision what to do. I just hope that it works out and you can work on yourself as well. Best of luck to you.

[OneViewpoint]

@Asker,

So you made a deal with a bunch of other drunken immature party girls some of whom clearly disagreed with your decision and warned you not to do this. Because women aren't competitive with each other and never stab each other in the back. That's your plan for dealing with this?

It's only a matter of time.

[Asker]

@OneViewpoint it was only two girls. might be they will tell their bfs but i won't go to parties with the guys anymore

[HighValue]

Sitting on his lap was cheating. If I had an SO that behaved like that, I would end the relationship. It is unacceptable.

People that drink alcohol shouldn't expect happy, successful long term relationships.

[Anonymous]

If you love your boyfriend and don't want to lose him, don't tell him. If he knew everything you did, he would likely dump you, as he should. You should have known better than to do what you did. Learn from your mistakes and don't go drinking without your boyfriend again.

[Bricealan]

I would. Nothing like being 'upfront' and 'transparent with your partner. Why not tell him? You have nothing to hide?

[siezuresalad]

You're playing with fire and you know it. But absolutely tell your boyfriend everything

[Anonymous]

You should, because if someone else tells him, he'll be suspicious of you cheating on him.

[MasterKS]

Thats a boring drunk sleep, forget it nothing there to remember.

[beenherebefore]

Why do feel the need to hide that from him?

[Asker]

i just feel that a friend sleeping over and also sitting in the lap before would be a big crossing of the boundaries we have in our relationship. also im afraid he would not belive me that nothing else happened

[beenherebefore]

If you feel the need to hide things from your boyfriend instead of being honest then you shouldn’t even be in a relationship. Honesty is one of the pillars of a long lasting relationship. Plus if nothing happened as you said why are you making it such a big deal.

[beefcakebradybatson]

Does your boy know the other chap?

[Asker]

they know each other because the friend is kind of member of my best friends boyfriend friend group. so sometimes he see each other but it is always with me on birthdays etc. but im read to not go to partys again, maybe in future only with the girls. my boyfriend doesn't go out very often.

[Asker]

sorry my phone keyboard is a bit broken

[beefcakebradybatson]

Sounds like a plan, just you and your girl squad.

[Asker]

so u think i should not tell him? also thank u so much

[jahaims]

You act single