Male friend slept at my place, I didn't tell my boyfriend. Dealbreaker?

Question

My boyfriend (21M) is upset because he found out that my male friend (long friendship, also 21M) slept in my apartment while I (20F) was alone, without telling him, because I didn't think that would be an issue.
They don't know each other.
Our relationship is a little over a year.
He trusts me and has never set boundaries for friends of opposite sex, but now thinks that there was no good reason or excuse for not even mentioning my friend’s sleepover.
Is he overreacting?

EclecticEmapath1111 · Accepted Answer

Unless your friend is gay, it's not okay to do this and I don't think that he's overreacting to be upset about it. If he loves you and you love him, you have to be open and tell him about these things beforehand and maybe you can figure out something together, if your friend needed a place to stay for the night, and you told him that before and wanted to know if he was ok with that he would probably appreciate that and probably come over to be with you while your friend slept in the living room or whatever sleeping arrangement. He can't protect you from possible harm or understand if you keep things from him and he finds out another way this will not only cause him to mistrust you, but it will hurt him that you are keeping things secret and start to question why you did and it's only going to complicate things in your relationship with him. I honestly think that you meant well to let your friend stay over but if you don't tell your boyfriend about this it looks bad. Be honest with him if you aren't sure about something that you plan on doing may bother him or cause concern about you. There's been many instances in which young women let male friends or acquaintances stay overnight in their homes and they were raped or sexually molested by the guests. A guy who loves his girlfriend or wife is going to worry about something like that happening to the woman he loves. Not saying that it's bound to happen to you or your friend is a predator, but try putting yourself in your boyfriend's shoes for a moment to see his side of things.

SueShe · Accepted Answer

It is possibly a deal breaker.

If you are in an exclusive relation, you should have had the decency to tell your boyfriend that you were inviting another guy to sleep over at your place. It is not really very wise that you did not inform him because all you have achieved is to cause a possible conflict.

I am not aware of your intimate past but if you had previous partners before your current boyfriend, he has all the right to be concerned and to question your attitude and behavior.

You can of course tell him as much as you want that nothing happened with your friend but you managed to plant this seed of doubt in his mind that will be growing and leaving a definite mark of mistrust.

What makes the thing even more problematic is that your boyfriend does not know the guy and that makes him even more worried that there was something going on or that something is brewing...

centerline · Accepted Answer

there are a few unspoken/unwritten rules about relationships that are so common sense that no one should have to be informed of them... you just broke one of those rules.

is it un-proper? not necessarily, but doing it can come with consequences...

no one can tell you how to handle the situation from here, and noone but you and your longtime friend knows if you did anything that might be considered wrong under the circumstances, and there is no amount of denying on your part that can prove it... so if your boyfriend believes you, then its possible you can work it out (but NEVER do something like that again), and if he doesn't believe you, then yo uwill have to live with whatever decision he makes...
OR, you can be selfish and say "its MY life and I can do whatever the hell I want without anyones approval"... which is actually so very true, but not at all fair in realm of love... do you want love in your life, or do you want to live your life as you want to, no matter whos feelings you hurt? you need to make that choice and live in that manner.

remember the golden rule? did it enter your mind at all when you was making the decision to let him spend the night, when you KNEW in the back of your mind it was a bad move?
how would you feel if he had an old female friend stay the night with him without telling you... or how would you feel if he DID tell you she was going to be staying the night, no matter what you thought of it?

hellionthesagereborn · Accepted Answer

Switch the roles, would you be upset that your boyfriend had another woman sleep over at his place without ever mentioning it? Sure nothing happened, but it is not a comfortable position to be in because quite frankly how is he suppose to know? I mean how many cheaters have done the same thing and made the same arguments? So the fact that you neglected to mention it suggests it was intentionally ommited which makes people suspicious.

I would apologize for not mentioning it, tell him you didn't realize it was an issue and you will let him know in the future if something like this happens. That way you show you were not ommiting this information because you were doing something wrong but because of ignorance and that now that you know it bothers him you will rectify the problem showing that you care about his opinion.

If you get defensive you are simply proving to him that you did something wrong and that will be a huge issue for your relationship.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

1. If he had a female friend spend the night at his place and he "forgot" to tell you, how would you feel? 2. If you had this to do over again, would you do anything differently?

Reesep · Answer

I mean people can't help feeling jealousy, you its kinda involuntary, and you can suppress it and ignore it but you can't help feeling it. So I dont know how he's reacting to it really im sure he didn't like it, honestly no one really likes to find out after the fact. What I would do is just apologize for not telling him and tell him next tike you will, it doesn't take long to send a quick text letting him know, and its much better than him finding out and getting all up in a huff about it. I know sometimes it can seem like it doesn't matter because they are just a friend and truthfully thats right, they are just a friend and logically it shouldn't matter, but situations in real life typically deserve a little more nuaunce. So taking the safe route is a good idea. Communication Is important

Daniela1982 · Answer

How did he find out? Did you tell him? And if you did why not tell him in advance? Something doesn't meet the eye here. If nothing happened there should be no problem as you should be allowed to have friends over. But what is good for one should be good for the other and he should be able to have a "friend/friends" sleep over too. Sleepover at Ron's house tonight!

abc3643 · Answer

Tell your boyfriend.
If he can't deal with it, he's immature and that's his problem.

FYI, this happened to me.
On January 2nd, 1996, during a nor'Easter blizzard, my car died.
My nearest help - and only help really - was my ex-GF whom I had dumped 9 years earlier, but we always remained as friends.
She was living with her new boyfriend.
I called her late at night from the rest stop where my car and I were.
They came and got me otherwise I might have died from exposure.
They let me sleep over their house and, in the morning, helped me get my car home.
Her boyfriend never complained once.
That's what mature friends do.

So, if your boyfriend gives you any shit, you show him this post with my story.

TruthBringer · Answer

YES IT'S A DEALBREAKER.  He has every reason to break up with you. You're not relationship material, missy.  If you're going to act single, then be single  and stop stringing people along by making them think they are in an exclusive relationship with you. The fact that you hid it already indicated that you're very aware that you fucked up. And now you're trying to get sweettalk on GAG, but that's not what you're getting (thank God). Go tell your "boyfriend". It's only fair if he gets to make the final decision.

Kiss_Me · Answer

Nope.

I have seen MANY relationships end over the exact same issue.

You had another man stay overnight in your home, AND made a choice NOT to inform your boyfriend. Do you have any clue how suspicious that sounds? Since virtually all the girls would say that IF something did happen, it is going to take an act of God to convince him nothing happened. You just sent the trust in your relationship back a few giant steps.
BONK on the head... Be smarter than that.

ColHathi · Answer

I mean I think I'd be jealous, so it'd be great if she took that into consideration even if I'd have nothing to worry about. So if I found out without it coming from her first, I'd be upset. If she then ignores that I get jealous, however unreasonable that might be, I'd be even more upset.

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex sleep over necessarily. Just take your partner's feelings into consideration. They might not be able to help having some irrational feelings.

Marcuslrh · Answer

No he is right and that's the problem women dont see the issue Imagine it the other way around you found out he had a girl friend staying at his house and he did not say anything? how would you feel? am guessing you would be abit worried if not your just lying to yourself

spartan55 · Answer

Wtf do your ages matter? You going to tell your boyfriend? If you don't it's because you know he would be pissed, and rightfully so.
How would you like it if your boyfriend had a 'friend' sleep over and not tell you?
Wtf was the 'friend' doing there anyway?

worldscolide · Answer

You had a male friend sleeping over, if you cannot see whats wrong with that you should not be in a relationship. Were i in his shoes you better believe i would break up. Its unacceptable for that kind of thing to happen in a committed relationship. No he is not overreacting.

MissRomantic · Answer

He is not overreacting. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t know what you 2 may have done even if it was nothing. He may have been more okay with it if you told him before letting your male friend crash at your place. Not telling him makes it seem more suspicious like you want to hide something.

Alpha09 · Answer

If he's slamming doors or threatening you then yes he's overreacting. But if he simply wants to know why you didn't tell him then he's most definitely not. Nothing happened right? Either way you should have told him "hey my friend is spending the night at my place on the couch just wanted to let you know." Not hard. For a relationship to work there has to be honesty and transparency. Even if it's over things that "aren't a big deal."

jshm2 · Answer

Don't be silly.

He's only your boyfriend, not your husband, he's not in charge of what you do. Though in these COVID times you should not have anyone from another household living at your place. You can spread infections quicker that way, and that includes your boyfriend not sleeping over.

If nothing happened, then just say your piece and that's it. Fighting over it will just make it look like something did happen.

JPrez · Answer

Not cool in my book. The friend should find another place to crash. If roles were reversed you would probably not be happy.

Snowman666 · Answer

No. I would be pissed too. Not mentioning things is suspect. makes us think you cheat even if you don't. Open and honest is the only healthy flow to a relationship. Otherwise deep seeded thoughts form. That is a natural distrust. Honestly would you have no thoughts on it if the situation was revesed. You find out a girl you don't know spent the night at his house and he didn't mention it. They now have to meet each other. Otherwise his mind will never fully be at ease.

Ripper_E · Answer

No he is not overreacting. He knows he can trust you if you don't keep things from him. Apologize, tell him you are sorry for believing it wouldn't be an issue and that it won't happen again. If it does you will tell him about it. He might still be angry but he'll slowly calm down about it. Communication. Extremely important.

JFelix · Answer

I mean you gotta make him understand that your just friends but too be fair if I was you I would have at least introduced your significant other to your male friend because now he will be angry every time he says your friend and you now can't introduce your significant other to your friend. If you introduced both of them to each other then your boyfriend would have no suspiciouns

EmmaMary · Answer

I would be absolutely fuming mad if I found out after something like this had taken place.
Obviously you don't have very good communication between you and you boyfriend, or quite possibly Ex Boyfriend.

Dazzler1983 · Answer

Say he had a female friend sleep over his place. You would be thinking the same as him. You need to set boundaries. It depends on the relationship, some will be fine with it. I wouldn't because although nothing happened it's always in the back of the mind.

pleasestopthis · Answer

Yes you should have told him and it's not wise to invite someone of the opposite sex to sleep at your place while you're alone if you have a boyfriend, and staying silent about it makes it suspicious.

Male friend slept at my place, I didn't tell my boyfriend. Dealbreaker?

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