Dating someone with substance abuse problems, how to help them?

[Anonymous]

Recently started seeing someone that openly admits to having substance abuse issues in the past but has had multiple relapses. Usually when things get hard from work or other stressors in life. She’s had a history of using street drugs, alcohol abuse, meth, and opioids/painkillers. I love her for who she is but know she can do better without the drugs taking over her life. If you didn’t know her well, you would think she is a great bartender, personable, and has a good head on her shoulders. Her ex boyfriend is in prison for drugs and I hope that is enough of a wake up call. What resources besides court ordered treatment can I find, and how to approach the situation? I am in the US if that makes a difference.

[Staximus]

There's a guy who used to be a customer at of my jobs. He's a successful owner of a couple businesses. We were talking about all the homeless drug addicts in the neighborhood. He says he used to be one of those guys and I was shocked. He used to be a homeless heroin addict, slept on the sidewalks of Skid Row in Los Angeles for a few years. He had been in and out of rehab a bunch of times over the years. One day he woke up on the sidewalk and rolled over and landed right in the gutter, got up and asked himself "what the fuck am I doing?". He decided at that point he wanted a better life for himself and checked himself into rehab for like the 7th time and stuck with it. Now he has a beautiful wife and daughter, a successful business, lives in a nice neighborhood, and has a good life. He said some people have to hit rock bottom, and then sit there until they decide they want a better life for themselves and pull their head out of their own ass. It's not something you can do for somebody else. You can't stop doing the drugs for her. She has to want a better life for herself. The only thing you can do is be supportive of her making good life decisions. The fact that she already has a kid and still hasn't pulled her head out of her ass is not good. She needs to realize that it's not all about her anymore, she could very easily lose custody of her daughter. Then she not only ruined her own life but her daughter's as well. A lot of drug addicts are trying to escape some past trauma in their mind, or self-medicating for some other mental illness. She needs to figure out what she's running away from and deal with it.

[BonzoInBitburg]

You can't. You need to get as far away from her as possible. You're wasting your time with her.

[Asker]

I was hoping people like this could change, but it sounds like your experience says otherwise.

[BonzoInBitburg]

They can change but they often don't. They have to be motivated to change but she doesn't seem like she's made it a priority to change.

[Asker]

I would think with her daughter heading off to middle school soon she would want to change, but she has often fallen back to her old ways.

[Screenwriter]

This woman has alcohol abuse problems and is a bartender? That's all wrong right there.

You cannot help someone with such problems. They have to help themselves. As a recovering substance abuser, I would think that person wouldn't choose a job where one of her abuse items is available at her fingertips. This is like having active meth users shooting up in front of her at her house, isn't it?

This woman knows where she can find help. She doesn't need you to show her the way. If she keeps relapsing it means she isn't there yet. Jail happened to "someone else," not her.

I hope she's in an active counseling program that offers her support and she has a mentor in such a program. If she isn't, again, she is not committed to recovery, at this time. This doesn't mean she isn't a lovely person, except for her addictions.

It's up to you how much of her situation YOU can tolerate. But remember, you are not her caretaker and you must not become an enabler. You might go to Al-anon and Narc-anon for family members of drug and alcohol abusers to get an idea of what you should and should not do.

I think you're attempting to take on a problem you cannot help fix.

[MemeSupreme]

you really can't and i'm sorry about that

i known addicts all my life and my dad literally is one. no one can help them besides themselves. don't put waste any money or emotional energy on them. its NOT worth it.

[Asker]

I’m sorry to hear and hope you are ok. I really feel bad for her, her child, and everyone around that has seen her hit her lows. I hope your Dad is in a better place.

[MemeSupreme]

holy shit, i mistyped my message so much LMAO i'm fucking tired

thats okay to feel bad about her and it sucks you like someone who is like that. just prioritize yourself, tho like you won't regret it in the long run

[Asker]

All good, I have been focusing on my own mental health this holiday as I do worry about her and her daughter, but there’s only so much I can do. Her ex boyfriend was a bad influence and they used to drink and do drugs in front of the little girl, which I’m sure does not help. Leaving her on the sidewalk to play by herself while they got high.

[MemeSupreme]

what makes you like her?

i'm not attacking you btww. i get that you two have chemistry probably and that you're attracted to her, but what besides those things

[Asker]

Personality match and chemistry. Aside from that, she actually does have a heart when she’s sober.

[DishLady]

You can't "help them" you can only offer time and an empathetic ear. They have to help themselves.

[Nikki1989]

The most important truth to accept is that you cannot “fix” them. Recovery is a path they must choose to walk.

[Asker]

Thank you for the honesty. I hate seeing people struggle, and nothing is worse than hearing or seeing them relapse. I hope things get better for her in time.

[FreyaRed]

You stood on the edge of a cesspit, now you made a step forwards. I sure you will regret it and it seem not only women are delusional and wish thinker but guys as well.
I'll tell you something in your interest, don't walk away... Run!

[exitseven]

She will never give it up. You will be in a 3 way relationship. It will be you, her and the drugs. You will always be number 2. I know that this sounds cruel and I recognize that it is but it is really the way it is.

[Anonymous]

She has to get help herself and stay there. I dont think you can save her

[Asker]

Thanks, she has tried to get help before but working in a bar and staying up late, being around people that use a variety of drugs does not help.

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe bring that up to her but if she's doubling down like she can handle it she's lost in the sauce

[Asker]

She’s drinking daily due to the ease of access and her boss rewards her with free drinks, which is just enabling her behavior.

[Opinion Owner]

I see... so how are you going to get her away from that

[Asker]

I’m not sure. She’s had a difficult life and many bartending jobs so getting a desk job has been hard for her.

[Opinion Owner]

Thats too bad. She needs to focus on being sober first

[Asker]

She has tried many times but at the end of the day, chooses the bottle over everyone else.

[Opinion Owner]

She will also do that to you as well be ready

[In_Trance]

You break up with her and walk away.
Never look back

[Ariesman81]

Let her hit rock bottom

[Asker]

As in, overdose? I don’t want her to die, she has one preteen daughter (only child) that’s just about to start a new semester in school.

[Ariesman81]

No one said it was gonna be easy to watch.
You've got two choices
1. Make her life easier by enabling the behavior
2. Let the consequences of her behavior work their magic

It's the problem MANY people struggle with in trying to understand addiction. You want to help, it's clear, but you're not the one who will save her.

[Asker]

Thank you. She’s had many close calls and I really don’t want her to hit rock bottom, and leave her daughter to fend for herself. That would be horrible if she loses custody and has to give up her only child to the state.

[Ariesman81]

Yeah, well, she's on a road to self destruction. And those consequences are the only thing that's gonna slap her back into reality, unfortunately. And I would suggest you detach yourself from her and the outcome or she'll drag you down with her.

[Asker]

That is sad, it hurts, but may very well be the truth. I appreciate the comment and hope she gets to a better place. Watching from the sidelines is painful.