Dating someone who grew up in an abusive home, what are the pitfalls and what can I do to help her?

[Anonymous]

between her lack of communication skills, her lack of confidence, and her lack of knowledge i find it almost impossible to deal with her. i know its because of how she was raised but i dont know how to change any of this. its so frustrating to see some progress and then it all just falls apart and she becomes the same scared person she's always been. never has an opinion, won't say a word even when i know she's upset about something. its unbearable at times that she won't stand up for herself. she was physically and emotionally abused growing up and i wish i could help her but it seems impossible at this point. anybody have experience with this or some advice to help her grow into a better adult? i dont know what else to even try and it is so frustrating that i think it might end the relationship.. she says the meanest things and acts like its perfectly acceptable. its plain as day she never received love from her parents growing up. what do i do in this situation? i hate to just bail like everyone else has done to her but its affecting my own mental health at this point. any words of wisdom would be much appreciated and i thank you in advance for any advice you can give me! merry Christmas to you all! i hope your heart is filled with joy from the holiday season thats upon us

[Oliverlogan263]

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a tough situation with your partner. Dealing with the aftermath of an abusive upbringing can be incredibly challenging, both for the person experiencing it and for their partner.

The first thing I want to say is that you're doing an amazing thing by sticking with her and wanting to help. A lot of people would just bail, so the fact that you're trying to understand and support her is really admirable.

That said, I know it can be so unbelievably frustrating and draining at times. The lack of communication, the fear, the difficulty standing up for herself - those are all really common traits in people who've been abused. It's not your fault, and it's not hers either. It's just the result of the trauma she's been through.

In terms of what you can do, the most important thing is to be patient, understanding, and validating. Don't try to "fix" her or push her to change too quickly. Validate her feelings, let her know you're there for her, and encourage her to seek professional help like therapy if she's open to it.

It's also crucial that you set boundaries and take care of your own mental health. You can't pour from an empty cup, so make sure you're taking time for yourself and not letting her issues completely consume you. Don't be afraid to take a step back if you need to.

Ultimately, the change has to come from her. You can support her, but you can't make her heal on her own timeline. Just let her know you care, that you're there for her, and that you believe in her ability to grow and become more confident over time. With patience and the right support, she can absolutely blossom.

I know it's not easy, but please don't lose hope. You're making a huge difference just by being there for her. Wishing you the very best, and Merry Christmas to you as well!

[BarryLiverstone]

If it’s affecting your own mental health, then it’s time to step back and set up healthy boundaries again.

[HelpfulWoman]

THERAPY.
if she won't go to therapy, end things. if she can't show some basic want to improve her life, that tells you enough.
I have a similar background. I am on the waitlist for therapy, numerous attempts with anti depressants until i get it, and have several ways planned such as writing down my issues/feelings with my partner to get around some of my issues.
Merry Christmas and festive period to you all.

[Anonymous]

No one wants to fight all the time. And that's your only goal... is to fight with her lol loser

[Selene1600000]

You can support her, but you can’t fix her real change has to come from her, often with therapy and time. Be honest about your limits and protect your own mental health, because staying while feeling drained will only hurt both of you. If she’s not willing to work on herself, it’s okay to step away even if it’s hard.