How toxic is it that I’m playing a long game with a colleague who has a boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Technically I’m not breaching their relationship
But I am her friend

And I am hoping to God he fumbles.

I’d rather be over her and not care but it’s not in my control.
What I can control is being respectful and cordial

Am I still a bad person anyway?
I hate being that guy
Part of me hates her for turning me into that guy
But I can’t help it. I see her eyes smile at me in the morning and I feel an inner peace I’ve been searching for for years

Even if she was single we’d have a hard time dating.
I don’t even know if she’d want to.
But I don’t sleep well at night because of her.
Been that way for 5 months (since we met)

[Summeroflove]

It’s toxic yes if she really wanted you dude she would choose you sure if it’s meant to be things don’t work out she could become attracted to you outside a relationship.

DO NOT pursue a woman in a relationship it’s showing your integrity. Hypothetically speaking if she cheated with you or left a relationship for you…. She will do the same to you later on.

You probably wouldn’t want someone doing this to you…. And if she’s a quality woman. She will see you’re pursing her in a relationship and if she ever became single. Would probably avoid you.

[Asker]

I agree up until the last statement.

I don’t want her to cheat with me because if she does it speaks to her integrity as you said

And as far as my own integrity goes: I want her but I won’t “put the moves on her” and ask her out while she’s dating the other guy.

But if they broke up I would like her to see that I was a good option all along and now that she’s free we can explore that option

I know it’s a long shot beyond measure

I won’t hold my breath. And If I meet someone else in the meantime I will go for that instead.

But my heart stupidity wants things to line up so that she and I could have a chance to try

[Summeroflove]

Look. Grieve it…. Move on. You can’t control who she chooses to be with.

[In_Trance]

What would you think if you learned another guy was doing what you were doing but it was your girlfriend?

[Asker]

Other guys did do this last time I had a girlfriend
It seems to be a whole cycle

And it’s not like I wish him harm

But I can’t turn off my own feelings either

I wish they’d go away but here we are…

[HollyK21]

Pretty sure I’ve spoken with you about this a month or so ago, and despite you saying you don’t want to leave since you have a good job, I’d still say search elsewhere. That’s really your only other option besides hoping to find another woman as a distraction. I’d also say yes, it’s pretty toxic to hope and pray that someone else’s relationship fails, because you wouldn’t want that for yourself.

[Asker]

You’re right we did.

Except a few months ago I was angry and childish
I wanted a quick win.
Just wanted her to chose me over him.

Now I’ve accepted that their relationship inevitable.

And maybe even permanent for all I know.

But I still can’t help but wish she’d show up one day and tell me they broke up.
Preferably amicably with little drama but either way…

I know it’s stupid and still a bit childish to live on the hopes of things going my way

Life has already taught me this lesson many times. Few things ever go my way.

So now I’m just letting whatever will happen play out.
It’s all I can do.

I also can’t turn off the chemistry she and I have.
It’s beyond powerful.
Like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

[HollyK21]

If the chemistry were beyond powerful then she’d feel it too and be single already so you could have a shot. You may not want to hear or consider that and maybe you don’t agree, but the only way to have any hope of moving on is when you stop feeding the beast, aka all those thoughts telling you there’s a chance. You don’t help yourself by saying there’s undeniable chemistry or that there’s no way you can move on, you can’t help yourself, etc etc. You aren’t trying to change even the minor things that could potentially help you get over her. You don’t want to leave that job, fine, then maybe you can stop with the defeatist mindset of “I can’t do this” or “I can’t help that”. Open your mind to the other fair possibilities in a real way, such as: you are probably wrong, she isn’t dropping hints or interested, she’s content in her relationship, and she’s not the one. You know it would be too difficult to date due to your jobs, don’t add any “buts” or “what ifs” to that, leave it as is.

[Asker]

If I read my own question written by someone else on this app I would probably tell him the exact same thing.

I can’t even argue with what you’re saying because you are completely on the money

I guess I just got tiered of reliving the same sad story and began lying to myself that it can be a happy one this time.
Every woman I’ve been with in my life I only liked her a little
And every time I fell hard for someone I ended up ignored and cast aside

Wanting this time to be different has completely blinded me to the simplest of truths.
This is yet another one of my spectacular failures.

Unfortunately connection like that doesn’t come around often so I’m having a hard time letting go.
I know I should and it’s In everyone’s interest that I do.
But it’s easier said than done

[HollyK21]

I hear you dude, I genuinely do. I didn’t meet my fiancé until I turned 30 and up until then it also felt like one let down or disappointment after another. At one point around 25-26, I met someone that completely changed how I viewed dating. He was unlike anyone I’d ever met before and I always told myself that if things didn’t work with him, my standards would be totally adjusted going forward.

He ended up moving out of state for work, and I really thought I’d never meet anyone like him again, since I hadn’t up until him. In the following years that I was single I really thought I’d never connect with anyone else like that again, who aligned so much with what I wanted and met my standards. Imagine my surprise meeting someone who exceeded them, after I’d really lost hope in that. I met my fiancé completely by chance two different times in separate locations.

Anyway, I’m not necessarily trying to compare stories, but I just wanted to give you some hope that the right person is out there, it just isn’t your time to meet her yet. Until then, work on yourself (because let’s be real, the self improvement never stops), figure out what exactly it is you’re looking for and let it find you. Not even trying to sound sappy, I just recognize that sometimes it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and this journey to find love can seem neverending. Some positive reinforcement can always help.

[Abbycado]

No, I’d say you’re a super standup guy. 🙄

[Asker]

Thanks for the emoji to confirm the sarcasm.

And yeah you’re probably right in calling me an asshole for it.

But I don’t know if you read the description, if you have any advice i’d appreciate it

Or just more sarcasm, that’s fine too 😊

[Abbycado]

Honestly, I’d move on for a number of reasons, the obvious being the first reason. Also, not good to date coworkers.

I guess if it was a different department or something, but you rarely hear anything good about office romances from what I’ve seen.

Those two things right there would be enough for most to say f it and search elsewhere.

[Asker]

Yeah that’s the sound of reason
Thank you for answering I needed to hear that

I guess there’s just so much office romance at my company to the point it’s become normalized

But it’s a disaster waiting to happen if we dated and fumbled

And it’s not like I’m not looking elsewhere. I’d love to meet someone outside of work and forget all about it.
I just spend most of my time there so it’s not exactly an easy task

Adulting 101 I suppose

Thank you again

[NathanDavis]

you hate her over your own lack of character...

that's 9/10 toxic...

[Asker]

I don’t actually hate her

The truth is I hate myself for falling for her

But she doesn’t make life easy.
She flirts, laughs, encourages me to be better, tells me her deepest secrets.
I’m sure in her mind we’re just work friends.
But I can’t be crazy to assume she knows she’s flirting from time to time

[NathanDavis]

- I hate her
- I don't actually hate her
- I hate myself
- but it is her fault
- I blame her
- I am not crazy, I just hate

sir... you just went up to 14/10 in toxicity levels...

[Asker]

I wanna be insulted by that but I can’t.
Because I agree.

I always thought I’d be the good guy in the story.
Yet here I am perfectly wearing the shoes of the villain with little effort.

Worst part is I don’t do it on purpose.
I’m guided by my own delusions and selfishness

[NathanDavis]

well, it wasn't an insult... just an observation

best to be a genuine friend, or just not get ourselves into ideas that might get twisted

[Anonymous]

It's not good for either of you two.