How do I handle liking someone who works in a sketchy environment?

[Anonymous]

i like this girl but her place of employment has obvious red flags , i don't doubt that our friendship is genuine more have issues with the place she works although i think she handles it well and is an ok place for her to work at.

the owner and manager are seriously sketchy , the owner only hires females for certain positions and only really attractive ones, the manager who is a married lesbian is somehow able to get on board with this perhaps she's been bought off. and over the years have seen things go on there that raise obvious concerns

i've never seen her do anything inapproiate but have seen girls who work there drink on the job ( like tequila shots ) and pretend to be interested in out of town men when they already had boyfriend's. and since so many girls work there is a fairly gossipy place , like they took notice last year when i always went to see her instead of the other girls.

last year when she worked there she seemed to handle it well and didn't get sucked into the bad behaviour of the others but perhaps i worry that she will or that maybe she hasn't been entirely honest with me about things

Updates

2 mo

have yet to see her , she hasn't returned to her summer job yet , in fact none of the younger student servers seem to be back yet and unclear when they are , place continues to have an odd vibe and only the core senior servers seem to get any shifts

Updates

2 mo

still no sign of her , oddly none of the summer /student servers have had any shifts there yet at least i haven't seen any so not clear when they start or who is even back for the summer season

Updates

2 mo

saw her but didn't go entirely well , she was back 1 night for her bday but not with girlfriend's , with her sister and parents , she said hi and seems glad to see me but then we didn't talk till later and for some reason annoying manager kept going to her table and talking to her even though she'd never talk to her when she worked there in past. she also said she didn't have any shifts till June as she's finishing up something else. so will wait to see her again

[DishLady]

If she works in a "sketchy" environment then she herself probably is a bit sketchy whether you'd like to admit that or not. I wouldn't start anything with this gal. Just walk away.

[Asker]

i haven't came across anything sketchy about her , based on what i've seen of her there or on online , it seems the owner of this restaurant specifically hires a lot of younger women , not sure if they realised what they were getting themselves into , also not really sure how she got the job there to begin with , started really young as a host but not sure what her connection to restaurant was or how she got job

[Abbycado]

Dude, leave these people alone. You need severe help.

[Abbycado]

@HollyK21 it’s the guy that’s been obsessing over this bar for at least two years that I’ve been here.

[HollyK21]

I was just about to respond to this guy, we were having a separate conversation on another post he made. I mentioned to him that we have somehow been touching base about this situation each year since like 2022-23, and I was trying to tell him that these women don’t seem to be interested in his conversations.

The woman in question now works at a retail store, and he’s currently trying to think of new/fresh topics to discuss with her, he made mention of the fact that they’ve had numerous conversations and he keeps up with her social media from the outside, meaning they are not friends on any social platform. It’s a bit concerning that he doesn’t realize how inappropriate things like this are. She’s at work so she’s obligated to be polite, but this is a retail store for goodness sake, it’s no longer the bar or restaurant. It’s hugely unwanted for him to keep showing up and imposing himself on these ladies just because they have no choice but to carry conversations with him and he takes advantage of this. Somehow he equates all this to genuine personal interest on their behalf when that’s just not the case.

There is a pattern of him specifically choosing these younger women who are still considering college or in college currently, while he’s probably pushing 50. Those college days are done for him and he needs to make peace with it.

[Asker]

i think the place would be fine if they just made some adjustments like open the hiring process to one that is more based around skill and experience. find a new manager and redo the there summer bar nights concept into something more appealing. if they don't make the necessary changes its there fault if it doesn't work out this summer

it was weird last summer they did this country night and place was like packed beyond belief but some of there other Friday/saturdays was not even barely anyone there , they seem to do a lot of live music but always have the same people there over and over again

[HollyK21]

Did you just blatantly ignored the entirety of what I said? What’s changing up the scene at that place have to do with anything I’ve mentioned? The solution is not to make that place more appealing and funner for you, the solution is to leave it alone entirely. Go find a woman closer to your age, and fill your time with things a man your age should be partaking in. It’s completely unattractive to be nearly (or already) in your fifties and still preying on women young enough to be your daughter.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 i'm not like 50 it says what my age range is on the post , anyways i don't feel like i was forcing these girls to talk to me. a lot of the girls who work there i haven't even seen since the end of last season , some disappeared around labour day and some others fall.

is some senior severs so like 20's-30's who work there all year and still there now , the girl i asked question about i did see her once at Christmas break she said hi and we briefly talked but she didn't have any shifts when on break.

the other girl i've been seeing more recently at the store she works at ,

[Abbycado]

The more concerning thing is the cringe level of obsession and the duration of your fixation. I’m shocked they haven’t figured you out and banned you. I can feel your creepiness through the internet.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 the owner made the decision to only hire attractive white women of a certain age range , so he's the one who created this environment not me , yes true i went there and such but he made the decision to create this space and should of known better and should realise his mistakes by now and try and fix the situation

what he's doing here is not even legal in my country , its illegal to discriminate someone based on there age, sex , marital status , so if he's not hiring a gay male server for these reasons he broke the law , same for an experienced older female server , so yeah he broke the law but still gets to make all this money , its truly a bizare situation

[Asker]

i have wondered about that too as to why they have allowed for this to go on for so long , like no one that works there has even tried to talk to me in private about things or messaged me or anything to try and resolve things. despite fact i've had obvious issues with certain girls who work there , i saw it almost as a sign of disrespect like i'm not even worth talking to , they won't even take 10 minutes out of there day to try and resolve the situation, would rather it drag on for 5 years

they just sort of let me keep coming in , although i haven't been in as much lately only the odd Friday or Saturday , been going to gym on weekdays instead

[HollyK21]

I agree with Abby that this behavior comes off as creepy. Do you feel like it would be appropriate for those women to just ignore you? The answer to that would be “they can’t ignore me it’s their job to talk to patrons”, and you would be correct in saying that. So to say “I don’t feel like I was forcing these girls to talk to me” is you ignoring the fact that they HAVE to talk to you. They have to smile and entertain you, they really don’t have a choice. You however, do have a choice, you could cook at home, have a drink at home with your friend you told me about. But you don’t WANT TO. You want to be around these younger women and blame it on the manager.

[HollyK21]

I really think you should consider going to professional for help, you’ve got something undiagnosed going on. This behavior of yours is not normal and it’s odd that you don’t see it.

[Abbycado]

I agree.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 most girls who work at restaurants don't mind talking to regular customers as long as its not keeping them away from there work and topics approiate for public. i don't think there is an issue in talking to them there , i've never like demanded private contact info or such

there isn't anything to do at home , single who is there to talk to?

i don't think the girls who work there are bothered by this enviroment despite it obviously being sketchy and some of the male customer behaviour being questionable.

although a lot of the regulars who go there seem to be older than me like 50's- 70's even , often married just talk to each other at tables and some singles ones at bar ,

i've never once ever talked to the owner , only seen him the odd time before , last time i can even recall was a couple summers ago , he was drunk and with buddies but he's never once ever talked to me

[Asker]

@HollyK21 i would of been totally willing to have talked to the people who work there privately about this and to try and resolve things and suggest ideas to improve the business

but they are unwilling to speak to me , i've been in there and sit at bar and have drink and they've never said anything to me or said we need to talk or that girls there had an issue with me

so if there unwilling to speak to me privately i don't know how i'm suppose to resolve the situation , yeah i could sit in an office and pay $100 an hour to speak to someone about this but if people at actual place won't do it what good will it do?

[HollyK21]

As a man, how could you state what women do or don’t want? You’ve got two women right here specifically and repeatedly telling you that what you’re doing is unwanted, and your response is to basically tell us that we don’t know what we’re talking about. Abby is 20, you don’t think she’d have an idea of what a college girl does or doesn’t want?

Just because you don’t think there’s an issue or that they don’t mind talking to you doesn’t automatically make that true. It’s just the observation you’ve made due to their politeness. These women are at work, you cannot assert they wanna deal with you directly unless they were off the clock, doing things with their own free will. Notice how none of them have ever tried exchanging social medias with you? Or how imposing yourself in social situations like that bar hopping event did not turn them into your friends? It’s because these young women don’t want that, man. You make all the excuses in the book in order to continue doing all this comfortably.

[HollyK21]

Because they don’t wanna resolve it man, they don’t wanna talk to you, and you know that already. Still you show up at their place of work all the time, putting them in a position to “have” to address or deal with you if no one else can. I don't know how you see no issue with that.

[Abbycado]

“i have wondered about that too as to why they have allowed for this to go on for so long”

This tells me everything. You know what you’re doing and know it is wrong.

[HollyK21]

Exactly Abby, he knows but just doesn’t care enough. Instead he absolves himself of guilt at every turn.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 no i did think there was an issue with me and the girls who work at this place , never said i didn't think there wasn't an issue going on here.

i don't even know what to make of the whole thing to be honest , you think if a restaurant had an issue with a specific customer they would talk to them about it or tell them to not come back in , since they've done neither , they really haven't done anything to try and resolve the situation

i would of been totally willing to have talked to them and i think such a conversation would of lead to tangible results and improvements in my behaviour around the girls

like was i suppose to request a meeting with them and what would i have even said? like message and be like?

[Asker]

i would of liked to have resolved the situation some time ago , i don't want to go through life with this hanging around me in the background ,

not saying i think my behaviour was wrong just that i agree there is a problem there , exactly what the problem is would depend on who you talk to , some would obviously blame the owner , some would blame me , some would blame the manager , no one really blames the girls but some do like attention and perhaps to some any attention is good attention

i'm actually surprised its dragged on this long without a resolution to be honest

[HollyK21]

I think the only person who had an issue was you, and this isn’t something for the manager to address. They can’t turn you away just because a girl doesn’t like you, it would take something serious to where they couldn’t be sued or held legally liable in some way.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 the manager seems capable of doing almost nothing anyways , she's basically an average server who became manager during covid era cause no one else wanted the job.

still if there was a specific girl there who had an issue with me they could of talked to me about it in order to resolve things , like just letting the situation drag on for so long is weird on so many levels ,

its relatively common for girls who work at restaurants to NOT like the male customers who frequent the restaurant or at least not be interested in dating them , most of the hot girls who work in restaurants have high standards anyways and want to date guys who have full time jobs and attractive , hot guys with full time jobs don't go into restaurants in there hometown during the day as there at work , but someone like me is bored and had nothing better to do

i don't exactly have a full time job , i do sell stuff online mainly books and my parents owned a couple rental units so i help them with maintenance and repairs , the one came vacant a few months ago and taken some time to get it back to normal as previous tenant was this crazy senior hoarder lady

[HollyK21]

Let me ask you this — in any setting where it’s client vs server, bartender, barista, etc, do you genuinely think any of them could approach a customer and air their grievances without having to worry about facing any repercussions? Like let’s be honest here dude, these women could never approach you in that manner. Not if they didn’t wanna risk their job. You may know in your mind that it’s no problem and you may not go to the manager after that conversation, but they don’t know that.

Aside from all this, you are still making that issue the sole catalyst as to why things are how they are now. It was like that already, which is what made those women uncomfortable and ultimately made you think something was wrong. When you reference that interaction, you’re basically saying “if it weren’t
For that they’d still be cool with me, talking to me, etc”. But what you fail to do is acknowledge what led up to that in the first place.

[HollyK21]

I understand that you don’t really have other options or sources of social interactions, but somethings has got to give. I don’t think you’re necessarily a danger or someone for them to worry about, but I do believe your lack of social skills make you oblivious to how these women could feel. You think because they’re nice and talkative (usually when they’re serving you) that everything is cool, when in reality they are just doing their jobs. They could never tell you to get out, go someplace else, they aren’t interested in talking, etc, and I believe that’s a big part of why you go there but you’re in denial about that part because you don’t like how it makes you feel.

[HollyK21]

@_maya_ would have great input on this situation.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 no i wouldn't of expected the girl herself when on her shift to talk to me if there was a problem , more meant that management or owner could of talked to me privately if they felt there was an issue here , none of them ever have done this , they've never talked to me about any of the girls who work there.

feel like some on here felt my conversations with these girls were really intense in nature , like i was trying to pick them up , when in reality they weren't very intense at all , very casual , me sitting at bar talking to them about small stuff never anything deeply personal or sexual , never asking for private info or photo's of them, the interactions with them were not intense and were not deeply private

perhaps some felt they didn't have any choice but to talk to me there , but i honestly don't think any of them were upset that i talked to them at the restaurant , if they were upset it was about something else

and the uniforms there aren't even that sexy , its summer but there only in shorts and a t shirt or maybe blue jeans, never show off clevage or belly 's or even a bare back , so he hired all these young women but there not even dressed up to show off and rather dull really

[HollyK21]

You are being incredibly narrow minded.

[Asker]

@HollyK21 well i was open to talking to them but they choose to never speak to me privately about this so yeah

guess i just view this place as a silly restaurant in my hometown where a lot of interesting younger women work at. restaurants generally have there place in time here , so its not like its going to be there forever in its current form eventually a day will come when owner decides to retire and sell the prime location to someone else , despite being so weird and fixated on only hiring hot women it also has a great location on the water

i honestly don't know what the summer will bring

[_Maya_]

Asked if it is alright with you I would like to ask a few questions. With your permission of course.

[_Maya_]

Sorry ASKER may I ask you a few questions

[Asker]

@_Maya_ yes ask away

[_Maya_]

GG good morning. I hope everyone is doing well today. Asker I see you like to write. That's good that you can express yourself. In just three sentences can you tell us why you like this establishment so much?

[Asker]

@_Maya_ sorry was out this morning , this establishment is in my hometown so location would be one of the reasons i went there , wouldn't say that i necessary like everything about it , already mentioned i felt there were areas that should be improved and could be improved to create a better experience. honestly is likely 10 things i would change about the place if i could , it doesn't even have my favourite beer

[_Maya_]

That's no trouble. We all have stuff to get done on weekends. So if they don't serve your preferred beer why not go somewhere that does?

[Asker]

@_Maya_ none of the bars here really sell it , have to buy it at store in bottles. maybe you want to know why i liked this girl so much? what about her as a server and personality kept me coming back for more?

[_Maya_]

Yes, tell me about that.

[Asker]

@_Maya_ she was attractive but hadn't really been corrupted by her good looks , she generally came across as genuine , she seemed to enjoy my company although i can't really remember what we talked about as it was never anything private or intense in nature. but we did talk a fair bit there. she also said hi to me a couple times outside of her work , once in a store and downtown.

[_Maya_]

Thank you. Where did you see her outside of work?

[Asker]

@_Maya_ public locations around our area , retail store , parking lot , downtown she waved to me in her new car last summer but i was actually looking the other way and missed it

[_Maya_]

I asked about when you saw her outside of work. That would me present.

[_Maya_]

I might also remind you that you didn't really tell me about her. I thought you would do that.

[Asker]

@_Maya_ she first started working there a couple years ago , we wouldn't of really meet if she hadn't worked there , her younger sister also works there too although i haven't seen her since end of last season but i think she is coming back too

[_Maya_]

Let me ask this. How did you know that she waved to you if you said that you were looking the other way and missed it?

[Asker]

@_Maya_ just remember that she did , she had her new car and was driving through our downtown with it , she said hi i heard that part , our home city is fairly small only 20,000 , bit busier during summer though

[exitseven]

If this really bothers you , you should not get involved. However I would give her the benefit of the doubt until something happens to change my mind

[Asker]

true i haven't really seen her do anything that raises my concerns yet but she's worked there a while and i feel like she must know whats really going on there by now and that its no accident owner choose her over a less interesting girl

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO😎

[Alex-Snow]

You have to respect her choice of employment. If it is not for you, it is best to move on. Have you ever been sexually involved with her?

[Asker]

i don't think its a bad job for her , pretty typical for a young women to work as a server , just seen some iffy stuff at that place , never seen her drink on the job but have seen other girls there do that , she wasn't actually legal last summer but is this year so will see

no we've never been involved , she hasn't been around for a few months either as she was in another city for stuff but i think she's coming back for summer

[Iron_Man]

Don’t get involved with people that breaks the law

[Asker]

i don't know the owner personally , what he's doing is sketchy especially in a small town , i think of all the restaurants and bars across north america that have followed all these hiring rules and played by the rules that have closed down in recent years. yet this guys breaks federal law ( its illegal here to disqualify a job applicant based on there sex , race , age and so on ) yet he does it and only hires hot white girls and gets to make all this money

i'm sure in the back of his mind he's worried every day that some queer activist is going to come in drop off a resume and file a complaint when not hired but until that day he gets to make all the money and enjoy all these hot white women

[Iron_Man]

I wish you the best of luck

[Asker]

i can't believe no one has filed a human rights complaint yet but when i looked online they make it rather difficult , have to print off a really long form and process appeared complex to say the least , then have to wait for your turn and if they decided it was worthy or no of further investigation , it might then eventually go to a tribunial which could afford a judgement or make a decision

but something about operating a business in violation of federal law doesn't make sense to me , i honestly doubt that % of the customers actually care if there server is pretty anyways , most are more worried about menu quality and price

[Asker]

he's smart too doesn't use legit job search sites to find staff , he's never posted an add seeking servers to any legit sites , likely cause he's worried those he rejects for illegal reasons will complain. he seems to find staff through friends , brings people back year to year and hires some of the hosts as servers when there of legal age