What should I do and talk about on a third date when I actually want something serious?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I usually lost interest after two. In the past, I dated for the wrong reasons, never went there for a relationship, I just proved something to myself and usually two dates were enough. These are dates with guys I found very attractive but not the types I would want to have relationships with. And couldn’t bring myself to keep in touch with them past 2 dates.

On the other hand, once I went on five or six dates because he was an amazing person and really wanted to somehow make myself want to have a relationship with him and he made me laugh a lot and was cute, smart, goofy, chivalrous, athletic and very successful but I wasn’t attracted to him and when he wanted to kiss, I didn’t - so there wasn’t the next date of course.

Have no idea what should we be talking about on the 3rd date?

Aftwr the break up with my ex, I am trying to date intentionally and we both want something serious. But I am scared. And don’t know what I am expected to do or say?

I don’t usually feel nervous on a date, because I usually know I’ll be the one losing interest… But this time, I really want to get to know this person better and see where it goes and I feel scared and don’t know what to do or say.

[William7489]

Just natural stuff, but make sure that it has a serious overtime so he knows that you’re interested. He wouldn’t be going on a third date with you if he wasn’t. You just need to give enough of a signal to him, say something, body language, physical touch, whatever that indicates that you’re serious about this going forward. Other than that, just be yourself. Have a good time and let it go forward. You’ve done a good job so far.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

How serious? I can be silly sometimes

[Grond21]

Stop thinking you need to perform. This is not a test. You are feeling more nervous because the stakes are higher, but the way you should behave is in general the same. Aim for getting to know him as a person and connecting with him on a real level. You don't know exactly what you should do or say yet because you won't know until the moment arises. But ultimately, you're trying to get to know him as a person and share who you are as a person. You want to forge a connection of trust and mutual attraction in the process. That happens by being in the moment instead of being in your head.

You got this.

[7Phoenix7]

Just relax and be yourself… that’s enough 🩵…

Have fun… get to know him, and let things happen naturally.

[NoDecision]

The 3rd date rule - sex by the 3rd date or GTFO! Would you call that serious?

[AviatorTom]

Tell the guy what your ideal relationship should look like after 5 dates, and after 10 dates, and ask him to describe the same.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What about on a 3rd date?

[AviatorTom]

@lafemmefatale_1 I guess I wasn't clear. On the third date, "Tell the guy..." what I suggested.

[OlderAndWiser]

Stop worrying about managing the impression you are making and simply react spontaneously. That will be much more attractive.

[OneViewpoint]

Serious? On the 3rd date? LOL, slow your roll. No guy with any common sense and self respect is gonna commit to anything long term on a 3rd date. The guys who do that are either "nice guys" who are desperately needy or players telling you what you want to hear.

Just because you're 29 and have spent the last 10 years having a good time but are now feeling your biological clock ticking does not mean every guy is on that same accelerated time frame with you. Your need does not compel any guy to give up common sense and rush into a commitment after 3 dates. You're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way, invest time and effort and hope it works out.

Probably not the answer you want to hear but it's time to grow up.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

😂😂😂 My biological clock always ticked and I was engaged to get married at 23. Nothing new has happened now.

I am just asking what to expect on a 3rd date because I don’t usually go on 3rd dates.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

How do you invest time?

[OneViewpoint]

Show up, have the real conversations you want to have. Support him. Let him know you expect the same from him. Compromise. See if he's capable of that. Give it some time but evaluate as you go. If it appears you two are on the same page, the commitment should come naturally. If it appears you are not on the same page, one of you has to end it so you can move on.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

That sounds good… Thank you

[DryGermanGuy]

Is this the German guy you wrote about? Just be yourself and communicate openly about wanting a serious relationship with him. For Germans, or most Europeans, this whole American-style dating game or date numbers mean practically nothing.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Yes.

So what’s dating like in Germany?

I am totally confused, I am a traditional raised Georgian, whose first boyfriend was extremely traditional Chinese man 😂

2nd one was outrageously untraditional American man.

And now that I have dated two extremes.

Don’t know what’s normal anymore.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He knows I want a serious relationship. I reminded him today playfully too, as he was moving on fast to risqué flirtation.

[DryGermanGuy]

Here you typically meet a lot and do fun things together, even simple things, like cooking or just watching a movie, to get to know each other. And at a certain point, when you feel both of you are on the same page, you just have to hold hands and make it official. :-)

[slatyb]

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" There's no reason to continue dating if you don't have similar goals. If you want to be married and he doesn't, you want to find out now, not in a year or two.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

He wants children and marriage, so do I. I asked that on a first date

[slatyb]

Great, that's very important. What else have you talked about? Are you intellectually compatible -- does conversation flow easily? Do your values align? Does he readily understand you, and you him? Do you have enough in common for a relationship to work?

"But I am scared. And don’t know what I am expected to do or say?" Are you afraid of being rejected? That's not something to worry about. Just be yourself, and if he is expecting something else, then you aren't a good match. If he's right for you, it will all be fine, you can do no wrong.

[Anonymous]

Men are usually direct w one another. Women not so much, especially toward men. They tend to hint at things. I think you could just ask him. If I’m going on a 3rd date w a chick it’s usually a good incision that I really like her. Unless he’s just trying to sleep w her. But I’d say you ask him. I’m wouldn’t come out the gate w that, but eventually work it into the conversation. Just be honest, but polite.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

• "I think I forgot who I really am and how I really am? Because I’ve played too well and too long."
• "just confused and uncertain"
• "I am so much happier when not dating anyone"
• "When I am not dating anyone [...] it feels so peaceful."

No further comments.

[TallAnon]

I think you gradually move towards what life together would look like. Cook for eachother, with eachother, spend casual time together and with friends. At some point you're done going out, because a relationship isn't just about going out.

[msc545]

Maybe stop trying to fix things with dates and instead figure out what you really want for yourself?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

What do you mean?

[msc545]

You can't fix the emptiness by finding dates and trying to figure out how to talk to them and why. Figure out how to speak to yourself first.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I don’t think I feel empty, I think I feel overflowing most of the time

[msc545]

What is it that you feel overflowing with exactly?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

My therapist told me the reason I didn’t get interested in those men who I only went out twice with was that I played with them, I performed someone I am not and that I should have been my boring, silly or romantic self instead of playing to be someone I am not…

Because she thought I lose interest because with those people I cannot be who I really am and that’s tiresome.

I agree partially, but then I think I forgot who I really am and how I really am? Because I’ve played too well and too long.

What I am overflowing is probably the contrast between this two and my discomfort with it because I always act so confident even though deep down always just thinking I am not good enough and always double guessing and overthinking my thoughts and actions and never trusting myself, always trying to accommodate other people more than myself, because I sometimes don’t know what I want myself. And all these feelings are overwhelming, I am so much happier when not dating anyone, because I don’t feel like constantly living up to some standard that I feel like I should be living up to and then not wondering If I am doing it well.

When I am not dating anyone, I just am responsible to myself and take my life slowly, it feels so peaceful.

But I am also an extrovert and have always been romantic and relational, I think after the break up with my ex fiancé, I went on a spree of proving things to myself, before then I always knew what I wanted.

Now I feel like I am back to that person, just confused and uncertain. I think this most recent ex break up helped me a lot and woke me up because it showed me “What I don’t want”

[msc545]

I think you need to stop dating anyone, as your therapist suggested. At this point in your life, it seems like it's making you far too uncomfortable.

[exitseven]

It looks like you date people for superficial reasons. Are they handsome? Are they rich? It is like you have a checklist. Try to think past the superficial.

[LC75LC71]

Really I don't get anything outside of a 2nd date being for the hell of it. It's not like people can't text or even call between dates..

[Staximus]

Just relax and have a good time

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Sounds good! That I can do!

[Staximus]

You really don't need to do anything besides get to know the guy and figure out if he's somebody you want around more

[Iron_Man]

Tell him you like traveling you’re looking for a nice Christian And tell him about your work

[Bklynbadboy12]

Tell him how your feeling. Don't be afraid to open up

[Anonymous]

Be serious and try to see what he thinks about your relationship.

[whosnumber_1]

Did you get date #3 in?

[Anonymous]

She is funny asf 😂