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For me, emotional intelligence isn’t optional… it’s something I need to even think about building something with someone.
Not perfection but the ability to understand emotions, communicate, and handle situations with some level of awareness.
So I’m curious…
would you still pursue something with someone who struggles in that area, or is that a dealbreaker for you?
Emotional intelligence is a "what". Just like relationships are a "what". Just like sex is a "what". Even love is a "what". A spouse is a "what". Marriages are "what".
You cannot be emotionally well-fed by a "what". Only by a "who".
You can build a robot with an emotional IQ of 1000 and it will still be a dead vibrating corpse whom you don't feel like it is worth sacrificing yourself for. And if you don't feel like you could sacrifice for someone then you should reevaluate how much they satisfy you emotionally.
Thus, I can't stress how, basically 100% of these online discussions always cause people to emotionally walk off cliffs. Emotional intelligence is a dead concept, like grams and milliliters do not fill a hungry stomach. If you want a relationship then you already are ensuring that you will not be happy in it because the relationship is a "what", but in order for this relationship to work you need a "who", and only if you want this "who" then the relationship as a side effect will be satisfying. People who want a "partner" are dehumanizing their partners because it's the status of partnership that they sought for. ㅤ
It feels like you are saying something important here and I can't quite grasp it. Can you elaborate?
@MrChinaski focusing on emotional intelligence is almost like being a condom manufacturer and wondering why you're not conceiving a child.
If you want to emotionally satisfy someone, the way is to tell the "emotional iq" to go to hell and focus on the person.
@smart_monk I'm not a checklist, red flags, green flags, 'could you just change this', 'here please respect my boundary' kind of guy. But there are still aspects of a person that are important to me that English language words can be attached to. One can't pin down why the Mona Lisa is so entrancing, but can talk about the effect that it has in relation to them. If what you are saying is that happiness flows from loving the person as a whole then I agree wholeheartedly; but one can still talk about things that are considerations in choosing whether to let the right one in?
@MrChinaski by describing emotions you're dissolving them into their components. Which is fine as a snack but 99% of the time the term "emotional intelligence" is involved, it's about Intellectualizing what should be felt.
@smart_monk What should be felt?
@smart_monk My point is that there is still a what, an it that should be felt, right?
I think that art, drama, and even religious myths exist to communicate feelings and non-intellectual concepts without denaturing them. I also define art as any act of love, doesn't matter if it never even produces a physical artifact.
@smart_monk I don't think we are that far apart in our views. Thanks for the conversation.
m "I feel like once you’ve dealt with it, you really start to see how important it is."
7this7
Although I'm probably not using the term emotional intelligence for more than 10 years, I've been more and more aware of the concept and how it is gonna be applied or not, over time, in the course of different relationships.
Also, getting kindness when you seek for emotional intelligence can be disappointing. Since kindness does not necessarily imply capacity for understanding, it's a component of emotional intelligence by it can't be a substitute for it...
*but it can't be
Because kind and sweet are not emotions. You would be surprised to know how many people have trouble describing their own emotions. Especially emotions past happy, sad, mad, angry. I think the big driver here is empathy. If you are an empathetic person you are capable of appreciating the feelings of other people and that is the most important thing. If someone wasn't "emotionally intelligent" enough to describe their own feelings I wouldn't be as concerned for them if they lacked the ability to feel for others. A lack of emotional intelligence for yourself means you may lack the ability to acknowledge your own feelings.
To a degree, yeah. I have a cognitive understanding of most emotions and I know the basics of how to understand and how to respond to them. I don't emotionally feel or care most of the time. So it's long as they can meet that level, fine
All the time. I have very little emotional empathy. Here's an easy way to understand it.
Emotional empathy is like you telling me your mom died and me understanding, so I would feel and understand the pain and loss.
Cognitive empathy is like you telling me your mom died, and it registers at the same level, as if you told me you were late to work because of a flat tire. I know it sucks, but it stirs no emotions.
I have primarily cognitive empathy for most things. So I have to mask to make people feel comfortable around me, and I have to fake emotional responses so I have an easier time dealing with people.
Nope.
Like this guy from yesterday’s date, he was not a bad person but he lacked it…
Hence why, no more dates.
Opinion
25Opinion
Is it lack of emotional intelligence or just a genuine lack of empathy and an ability to connect or a complete indifference altogether… Some people just behave badly and think people will put up with it forever. But then fake apologizes and make sob stories for how they’re acting. Feel bad for my trauma…. But it’s justified to inflict trauma on others who never did anything to me mindset.
No that's not for me. That would be like someone singing a song but no voice
I guess i could just sit there and shake my head up and down in both cases
Choosing to enter a relationship with someone who lacks emotional intelligence requires a serious evaluation of whether the foundation of the partnership can remain stable over time. Emotional intelligence is often the "fuel" that prevents a relationship’s communication tank from running empty; without it, resolving conflicts or feeling truly understood becomes significantly more difficult. While every person has the capacity for growth, a consistent lack of empathy or self-awareness can lead to a cycle of emotional exhaustion and misunderstanding that may eventually compromise your own mental clarity. For a connection to be healthy and sustainable, it must be built on mutual respect and the ability to navigate each other's feelings with honesty. Prioritizing a partner who values emotional growth and transparent communication is essential for creating a grounded, supportive sanctuary that lasts.
MOST women don't have emotional intelligence.
More women need medication now than ever before due to inability to regulate their mental health. Many also perform poorly at work (especially the ones that work in schools). Think women are better at taking care of kids? Look at test scores. The more women teaching in schools, the more behavior problems and FAR lower test scores. The majority of women teachers are unfit to have that job and only got it because they are a woman. Many haven't even passed the content exams (they don't the content they are supposed to teach), but they get hired instead of men that have passed those same exams.
I don't like that term. I'm sure you don't mean it in a negative way, but that's how I take it. Because I think at a certain age we all have emotional intelligence. And just because you know how to empathize doesn't mean you will. I'm less concerned with a woman's "emotional intelligence" then her just being a good person. I'm less concerned with her emotional intelligence then her truly wanting a relationship rather than just the idea of it. I'm less concerned about her emotional intelligence and her actually wanting to know and understand me, not just me adapting to and understanding her and what makes her tick.
You're probably going to say "this IS emotional intelligence". And to that I say, you can have all the emotional intelligence in the world and still want to use those powers for evil.
Just my take.👍
People with the inability to read other people including their emotions, or feel empathy, are generally damaged goods and the probability of fixing one is low to none. What you see is what you're gonna get. For life. Anyone going down the path of having one around had best make sure they're up for that.
Find it fascinating how most women in the comment say that its a dealbreaker, while the guys say that they don't care. 😭
Absolutely not! I've built a community around myself that is loving and supportive, built around emotional intimacy, platonic love and compassion. If i won't accept it in platonic love I won't accept it in romantic love
Thanks 💜
I encounter way too many people of all sexes and genders that have little to no emotional intelligence... it honestly might be my area, but if they are making an effort to better themselves, i wouldn't mind, though I do prefer emotional intelligence, wisdom, & maturity.
Knowing what I learned in The School of Hard Knocks, it's a deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure that is all women. It's not like men have a choice in the matter. Women always think guys are thinking and feeling things we are not because they lack emotional intelligence and project their own emotions onto other people.
I probably would if she was hot. It would end badly but it would be fun while it lasted.
@7Phoenix7 I lack emotional intelligence!
It seems that there is some reliable method of assessing emotional intelligence, and I don't think there is, short of being very close to the person for a fairly long period of time.
So Justin passing thoughts a little after midnight. It might be that those who are deemed to be lacking in emotional intelligence which probably is wrongly called it emotional. All the intelligence might be the wrong descriptor to use as well nevertheless seem to be sort of cold and distant folks with not much capacity for kindness. The latest research suggests such people through no fault of their own I should add what we now call mirror neurons. Think of the mirror neuron as having duality in the sense that it reacts in the usual chemical sense to the same reaction in another nearby but not touching mirror neuron in this case, one in another person. This is sort of the microcosmic analog of the hole spooky action at a distance concept in physics that has become so compelling. Maybe look that up specifically and we can talk about it.
@msc545 I like your post. Definitely not spooky action though. Spooky action is that everything in the universe is probabilistic until, through, observation, it is forced into one outcome or the other. But if the outcomes of two things are entangled, then observing one of them forces both of them into an outcome. I know I could just wave my hands and play along with your 'sort of analog' words, but quantum mechanics of which spooky action is a part is the most misused concept in social sciences... people literally suppose to explain the existence of a soul or of free will as a quantum mechanical thing, for example.
@MrChinaski you are right, quantum entanglement, which is what I was actually talking about. I kept trying to think of it and it was late at night, so I just wrote the wrong term. Thank you for correcting me.
Oops I fell asleep last night lol but I’ve been thinking about what you said…
I actually do understand your point, especially about empathy being such a big part of it. That made a lot of sense to me.
I think where I see it a little bit differently is that I’m not sure it’s always completely fixed… I feel like sometimes people just haven’t had the kind of environment or experiences that helped them develop that side of themselves yet.
I’ve seen people grow emotionally over time when they become more self-aware or feel safe enough to open up…
but I do agree, without empathy that kind of growth would probably be REALLY hard.
Men are often a little bit underdeveloped in matter of emotional intelligence but as long they don't play spoiled brats because of small criticism or sarcasm, they are acceptable.
It's definitely a quality I look for now. Relationships are extra challenging when there's limited emotional compatability.
It would be rather hypocritical of me to require emotional intelligence in a partner.
Would you explain what you mean by emotional intelligence, please?
For me, emotional intelligence is more about how someone understands and handles emotions… both their own and other people’s.
Like being able to recognize how you’re feeling, communicate it in a healthy way, and also pick up on what someone else might be feeling without them having to spell it out.
And then not just understanding it… but responding with some level of awareness, care, or empathy.
It doesn’t mean being perfect but just being able to navigate emotions in a more thoughtful way.
With that definition, I'd choose it depends on severity. Thanks for your response, much appreciated.
I did… and it was my mistake.
I can’t deal with people that are not intelligent that are blockheads
Being in a relationship with an emotionally immature person HELL NO! Lol not ever again
Yeah there’s a painful story behind it lol.
I guess its why i try my best to practice emotional maturity myself
Indeed. Well maybe someday lol. 🤷
no lol
feel you need to have that to even connect with me anyway
Probably not anymore but then again someone can have it and just not care so nothing would change anyway.
Nope, I dated enough of those girls. Never again
Depends. If she was otherwise highly intelligent I'd be okay with it.
I seriously don't stupid people in my life. F that.
* want
No, that would never work for me.
That’s a dealbreaker
I guess it depends on how severe it is.
Believe those are blow up dolls
No way! 👎🏼
No thank you.
Nope
Nope
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