Why do guys fight so hard to keep you in the gray zone?

[Anonymous]

I was reading a book and realized that the guys I’ve liked in the past that rejected me all did moves where when they felt me pulling away for any reason, they’d come back with bigger gestures than before but still never with the intention to commit.

I think if I’d set the boundary from the beginning (we’re either dating properly or I’m not investing in this) I could’ve saved myself a lot of time and emotional energy. I wouldn’t have started this slow-building dependency on them, building a habit of hanging out and spending time with them. They wouldn’t become my go to person for certain activities. I wouldn’t get used to their company, the hugs, deep talks, etc. and so I wouldn’t have a hole to fill when we no longer talk/hang out. You can’t miss what you never had. And in setting the boundary early there’s no holes to fill at the end because you never begun digging one with them in the first place.

And with these guys usually the pattern is:

• He doesn’t want to date (too serious, has to be “perfect,” no pressure to settle down at his age, wants to keep options open, etc.)
• But he also really doesn’t want to lose you completely because you provide something valuable: non-judgmental listening, affection, companionship, comfort, stuff guys don’t get easily from other guys or casual hookups.
• So he keeps you in the middle. Warm enough to stay, distant enough to avoid a relationship. And doesn’t think this is wrong because he thinks it’s mutually beneficial and that he’s maybe even nice for keeping you around and not shutting the door completely. in my opinion it’s unfair when one person is catching feelings and the other is comfortably avoiding them.

Vs for the woman she probably has other options and just wants clarity so she knows how to move, “either we’re nothing and I can pour all my love and energy somewhere else or we’re dating”. But staying in the middle blocks her from moving on and focusing on herself.

What do you guys think?

Updates

1 mo

* Also sorry for sloppy writing and ai generated image, just wanted to get my thoughts down

[Zack-Bann]

I’ll give you my own experience which differs from what you showed a little



I agree with the first part: we’re nothing.
That usually favors the girl who can easily access as many lovers as she likes so I will be used and discarded like a piece of meat
And yes, it’s happened before.


The third part is a misconception however.
Many guys, myself included, would love nothing more than to be in a committed relationship built on solid foundations.
We’re secretly envious of our friends who did manage to make it work as we attend more and more weddings every summer.


But we’re terrified of jumping head first into a bad relationship where we will be used for our resources and never given a shred of respect.


Now the reason the gray area is favorable is not because of a fear of commitment but a fear of scaring the girls away.


Every time I got involved with a woman she would pull away if I suggested a stable long term relationship too early.
She’s the one who wants to take things slow and now burden ourselves with expectations
She’s the one usually saying “I don’t want kids, if you do this will never work”
I do want kids but not immediately. I need a lot more stability before I can give a kid a decent life


So we don’t fight to keep you in the gray zone.
We just want to avoid scaring you away by going all in too fast so we maintain the gray zone as long as possible

[Asker]

Wow thank you so much for reading my post and offering your perspective. I never really realized the first stage made guys feel like that (used and discarded), but that makes a lot of sense.

“Fear of scaring the girls away” multiple or just one? 👀 I could see maybe also committing to one girl scaring all of the other girls away. But hopefully it’s the more wholesome option you were mentioning haha where you said if you show your cards too early the girl doesn’t take it as seriously.

[Asker]

“So we don’t fight to keep you in the gray zone. We just want to avoid scaring you away by going all in too fast so we maintain the gray zone as long as possible”

That’s actually really smart 😭 wait so how does one know the difference between a guy that is just waiting as long as possible before committing vs one that never actually plans to commit

[jahaims]

Guys don't, immature people do. Immature people seeking validation want the benefits of a relationship without the responsibility

[Asker]

Ooo good point

[Nikki1989]

Many men have no time for responsibility. You can read that attitude every day on here.

[Iron_Man]

They want sex without the responsibility and paying for you to go out or helping you with your bills

[Asker]

I’ve never slept with them though 🤔

[Iron_Man]

Good

[Anonymous]

You're dating people who are looking for commitment. If they say they are, they're lying. I would only pursue someone of I was considering them for marriage. I've been stuck in. A gray area of sorts. It sucks.

[jamesgoldman]

The more new age terms I see the happier I am that I quit dating

[AngryCarl3]

This is unfortunately accurate.

[AngryCarl3]

Well for me it is.

[Godihateyou]

Because there is no benefit elsewhere