How do I talk to my boyfriend about always paying for everything?

Question

Hey guys, so I’ve been going out with this guy for almost 3 years, and I wouldn’t normally make this an issue, but it seems to be.
Over the past 2 years I have payed for him to come on holiday with me 3 times (one time he ditched me and didn’t come), have done weekly shopping for him (especially since I was staying there too), bought dinners, and occasional take aways, and taken him to the pub.
I hate making money an issue, because it shouldn’t be. I think it should be equal really.
But he has payed for dinner once and has never bought me a drink at a pub.
I do know it’s not good, but how would you go about talking about this. I hate asking for money from people, even my family. And if I’ve offered then I don’t mind as much, but he seems to expect it after I’ve offered a couple of times. He does the same with my family if we go out for dinner. He doesn’t offer to put anything towards it. He just kind of expects things from everyone.
Thanks :)

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Ok first thing first. Never loan a guy money. Because you will never get it back.

Next thing. If a man likes a woman and he really really likes her and wants to go out with her he will pay because he wants to show her that he can take care of things take care of her and everything's going to be okay but if a man goes out with a woman and expects her to buy and makes her buy dinner all the time that is ridiculous that is disgusting that is because you allowed it to happen one time and he's going to keep running with it until the next time you go out to dinner and you say no I'd rather not and if he says why it just say I don't have the money not unless you want to pay and see what he says

That you need to stop because I guarantee that this relationship's not going to work I hate saying that to you But Somewhere down the line Not only this that's the way he treats you to You're going to have had enough

So what I was trying to say right there is don't allow him to yell at you don't allow him to put his hands on you because if you do allow it he's going to continue to do it I can read this guy like a book and you really deserve somebody better it takes care of you not the other way around

OneViewpoint · Accepted Answer

You've let this go on for 2 years apparently. You're a little late in asking this question. Like 1 year and 51 weeks late. You've set his expectations in your relationship. You give, he takes. The guy is either using you or he's a blind entitled selfish child with zero self respect. Which would you prefer?

Good luck trying to change the dynamic between the two of you 2 years into this mess.

Or is there stuff you're not telling us? You mentioned "living there". Does he pay the rent for both of you? Does he pay for other things? Has he bought all the furniture? Appliances?

If the answer is no, he pays for nothing at all, get rid of him. You should have established expectations, boundaries, and standards of behavior from day 1. I'm gonna say this is unfixable at this point.

HollyK21 · Accepted Answer

I’d ask him how he feels about splitting costs, or taking initiative when it comes to paying for things, allow him to speak his mind, and then you can explain where you’re coming from. Make mention of the fact that you have taken on the brunt of funding the relationship, and that it would be nice to have more of a balance. From there on, he’s either going to be receptive or he isn’t, and if he’s not then wash your hands of that relationship and move on to a guy who just does his part without asking.

If you do have this conversation, I hope you’re going into it deciding that if things don’t change then you will leave that situation, otherwise the talk was pointless. At the end of the day it’s important to acknowledge that he could just be set in his ways of being taken care of, and ultimately be honest with yourself about if that’s really what you want.

lolitsme1123 · Accepted Answer

In my experience with both men and women, I have found that addressing a topic early is the best way to go about any conflicts. If this has been bothering you for a long time, feelings like resentment will start to build up, and that’s not healthy for any relationship. My opinion? Address it directly. “Hey, I want to have a talk about something important to me.” I would make sure to word it in a way that doesn’t come off attacking, but is still firm in how you feel so there’s no miscommunication. Write it down first if you have to. Think of a compromise that you think is fair. Example: my partner and I pay for our dates based on who suggested going out. Granted, we live together and our finances are mostly shared.

Finchie40 · Answer

It’s time for you to kick him to the curb where he belongs and find yourself a guy that works with you and not against you. You are in a relationship with a user , that is taking advantage of you, that isn’t a good partner to you whatsoever. A relationship is suppose to be 2 people working together as a team, so money shouldn’t really be an issue between the both of you period. Even if your partner lost their job, they should actively be seeking another job immediately. There is nothing wrong with buying your partner gifts or paying for a vacation together , but it’s wrong if they aren’t doing the same or equivalent to you. Me personally doesn’t put money over love , but I only date girls’ that work as well that aren’t looking for constant hand outs. So you would be a girl I would date because I would work with you and not against you , I been a worker my whole life basically and I never expect a girl to take care of me financially, I am perfectly capable of of making my own money , So I want a girl that is just like me so her and I can spoil each other and live happy and content with each other. My ex turned into a user near the end of our relationship and I felt like it was no loss because she barely brought anything to the table and expected me to take care of everything, Now that I am single , I am only dating girls’ that have work ethic that aren’t looking for hand outs , I want a partner not a user period

coachTanthony · Answer

You picked a guy with expectations of him changing into a man that you actually want. What you got was a guy who isn't going to do that. If he can't buy you a drink he certainly isn't going to buy a ring.

Account · Answer

Your boyfriend is a spoiled princess and I don't understand how you have the patience to deal with such an immature manchild.

CeramicsandMusic · Answer

I would definitely feel the same if I were in your place. I whole-heartedly agree with you that it should be equal. I also agree with other posters that this sort of issue should be addressed sooner rather than later.

I've noticed that a lot of people get very weird about money. It can be a very touchy topic. However, because it seems like he is so aloof, I think it would be wise to start by identifying clear boundaries and what your expectations are. You have every right to expect him to pay his fair share. That is a given in a healthy relationship. You also have the right to say when you're feeling taken advantage of, and can choose whether or not you tolerate it. If he somehow isn't willing to start pitching in, you shouldn't feel like you're still obligated to pay more than you're willing. Best of luck. :-)

LEETSBEREAL · Answer

Your not being clear you say he works but his parents don't pay him then you say he seems to be making money. Which is it?

Or perhaps his parents paying for everything is his payment as you say he works for them.

And if that's the case he is used to women paying for everything in his life so it's not strange for it to be normal for you to pay for stuff if his mother is still doing that.

It depends on what you want you certainly need to speak to him if it's affecting you financially to pay for everything.

This is his mothers fault she still giving him hand outs rather then a salary and not explaining this is not something to then expect of your girlfriend and or wife.

You need to speak to him esp if it's serious. He probably will feel shame when you point it out but better to say something he might not be aware it's a problem because of his up bringing.

RavVid · Answer

Well for millennium girls have expected their boyfriend to always pay so maybe this equality at work.

You don't give any indication of your relative incomes. For myself, I realize that another persons $'s is not the same as mine. What really counts are discretionary dollars - that which is left over after the mandatory rent gas electricity etc are covered.

If I knew a girls discretionary $'s were low I'd be happy to pay most but I would also engineer it such that she could pay for some things within her budget.

Effectively people inviting you out is sort of spending your money. If your parents invite you as a couple to an expensive venue than I can see the issue.

Unless we know your relative incomes it is hard to make judgement.

molonski2 · Answer

I agree on.." that's not a boyfriend, it's a child " and I say " it's " after thinking carefully , this DH is not a man , he is a boy chasing his mother , he just wants to have sx with his mother , it's shameful and you have let it go for FAR too long , stand up to this idiot and tell him " grow a pair ", it all a fool like this would understand.

Disgraceful actually.

Levin · Answer

There's givers and takers in life.

Takers take advantage.

Givers allow themselves to be taken advantage because they have really poor boundaries (and probably self-respect).

No self-respecting guy would allow himself to treat a woman like that.

I don't care that he's your boyfriend. He's a piece of shit.

You can do much better. But first you must value yourself and have some boundaries and spine.

Masumgunahkar · Answer

The male is possessive, a giver; the female is feminine, a receiver. As men become more like princesses, the roles are changing. If that man had any self-respect, he wouldn't do this to you. don't let yourself be used any more

Screenwriter · Answer

Are your salaries far different from each other? Is he strapped for cash? Or is he affluent and thinks everyone else is? :You have to have a conversation about how uncomfortable you are with this arrangement, especially since he seems used to the status quo.

Perhaps this can be resolved more simply than you expect. Good luck.

dragoblack · Answer

That dude is using you. If he isn't putting forth the same effort financially and pretending to have allegator arms ( a phase meaning makes excuses for why he can never pay) its not a relationship. Dump the loser. Seen too many like him throughout my lifetime, they never change.

Nikki1989 · Answer

He is using you, but it is not uncommon. Women always receive the "golddigger" tag, but men do it just as much, if not more.

exitseven · Answer

You do not say if he has a job or not. If he does he is a cheapskate and you should dump him. If he does not he is a deadbeat and you should dump him. If he is in Med School maybe you should hang onto him.

slatyb · Answer

Talk to him? Why are you wasting time on this mooch? Is he the last single man on your planet?

MrChinaski · Answer

My first reaction is: leave him. My second reaction is that you should objectively weigh the pros and cons of being with him. Then leave him. The guy's a moocher. You deserve better.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Many guys will put in as little effort as they can to get what they want. He has you, with you paying for most things. You need to call him out on it to get him to change or leave.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

How many more 3 years you want to waste?
My college best friend told he she is the sugar mama and in tears. 20 years later and 2 kids later and no marriage, no rings, no commitment… now he can’t work and asked her to pay for everything.

bowenw · Answer

It is an issue. I suggest you stop paying for anything and tell your family to be the same way with him. Tell him you can no longer afford it.

jshm2 · Answer

LOL, that's a mooch and parasite, not boyfriend. deary...

Alex-Snow · Answer

It is not fair to you. Most expenses should be equally shared. He sounds selfish. How old is the guy? Is it messing with your sex life with him?

HighValue · Answer

Do you live together? If you do, does he cook, clean, and do your laundry then if you are the primary support?

fantasticass · Answer

Nothing will change in the relationship. Dump him, he is using you!!

Amur8711 · Answer

Thats not a boyfriend you have there that is a child.

CherryLove007 · Answer

I would never pay for an able bodied man and any mistake he makes he will have to $$$

Anonymous · Answer

a man who never pays for you is a man who doesn't actually like you.  you got used. gather up your self respect and leave him

gangster123 · Answer

Just say what u feel.. or experiencing.. don’t hesitate

ChadThunderCack · Answer

Man, men have been doing this for women forever! Now that you got to do it you wanna bitch. Leave him, he's clearly too good for you.

Likes2drive · Answer

Wow he sounds cheap or broke, I wish I had a woman pay for things sometimes but I’m always paying

DonaldDarko · Answer

He sounds like he takes you for granted.

karlaatsd · Answer

No way switch off who pays

jimbob70 · Answer

Boyfriend needs to pay everything

Godihateyou · Answer

Say thank you and suck his dick

whosnumber_1 · Answer

Does he work?

In_Trance · Answer

So stop paying

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