Emotionally close but not official after months of talking. What are we?

[casssseydayo]

I (25F) have been talking long distance with a guy (29M) for a while now and I’m trying to understand the dynamic because it feels emotionally serious, but also unclear at the same time

We talk every single day. maybe We’re not officially together, but we’ve had deep conversations about attachment, long term relationships, permanence, feelings fading, emotional pacing, etc. He’s generally a very cautious person when it comes to relationships. I also met his kids and his friend

At one point I told him:
“If you’re interested in someone else, then don’t keep talking to me.”

And he replied:
“If I did that, I shouldn’t be speaking with you.”

That’s part of why I’m confused, because his actions don’t fully match someone who’s losing interest

He still:

messages me daily
checks on me if I disappear “You ok?”
calls me “hun”
compliments me
shares random daily things like food pics
continues talking even after emotional arguments
Recently though, the energy changed a bit. There’s less flirting and the replies are slower/less intense than before. The relationship feels calmer now compared to the beginning

The thing that’s been making me spiral a little is Telegram. He used to say he barely understood why people use Telegram, but after getting a new number he made a new Telegram account and I sometimes see him online there. Since we’re not official, my brain automatically starts wondering if he’s talking to other women too

At the same time, today he reacted sweetly to a dress photo I sent and said:
“Very cute hun I like it.”

So I’m having trouble understanding whether:

this is just a more stable/comfortable phase after the initial intensity
he’s intentionally pacing things slowly because he’s cautious
or if the dynamic is gradually fading emotionally
Also, for Americans specifically, what do people usually use Telegram for? I mostly see people around me use WhatsApp/iMessage, so I’m curious whether Telegram is actually common there outside of dating

What do you think?

[Smart_Monk]

First of all do not get attached even if he is genuine. You'll be a better partner if you are capable of willingly putting attachment aside and still caring, then it means you won't breakup out of panic when there is an accident or misunderstanding. But of course additionally so that you're not hurt in case if he's not it. And philosophically, you are incapable of loving him as long as you are addicted to him. Love is an act of giving, and if you care for him out of romantic feelings then you're serving yourself ultimately.

What he is? He might be genuine and that still doesn't guarantee that he's right for you. But most likely he's not interested in you as you wish, even if he thinks he is his brain might be malfunctioning, and the reply about how he shouldn't be talking to you is unsexy. And everything else... bro, it's so low effort to call someone cute and hun, you think it means much? ㅤ

[casssseydayo]

Thank you for the comment. * we’ve had serious conversations about long term relationships, attachment, permanence, emotional pacing, etc
* we continued talking even after emotional arguments
* I met his kids and one of his friends
* he still shares random daily things with me constantly like 5months

So to me it feels emotionally deeper than just casual flirting, which is why I’m struggling to understand the dynamic.

[Smart_Monk]

It is common to acknowledge things are incorrect and still do them.

But ask him again, i don't know why you were afraid to follow up on that when he said he shouldn't be talking to you. If he cares about you he wouldn't be hurt, only flattered if you are so interested in him you want to double check that he's "yours."

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

🔷 "Is this just a calmer/more stable phase?"

A phase naturally happening to me when there are months of LDR history logged in.

🔷 "Telegram"

I haven't heard of Telegram used for affairs or hooking up, to me Telegram is used to avoid censorship, at best, and throw hate at things without experiencing any consequences, at worst

[WhitneySnow]

You need to have the talk with him about becoming an official couple or ending things. Or at least being just friends if he doesn’t want to be official, which means no sex, virtual or otherwise.

Telegram is mostly a sexting app from what I’ve heard, plus a lot of Russian people use it. I’ve heard it’s kind of shady, but I’ve never used it.

[casssseydayo]

He's American

[WhitneySnow]

Then he’s probably using it as a sexting app. Sorry.

[In_Trance]

When were you last together and for how long?

[casssseydayo]

5months ago