Is his silent treatment and ‘training’ jokes a dating red flag?

[Anonymous]

Is it a red flag when a guy I’ve just started dating uses calculated silence as a form of punishment when I don’t agree with him—for example, he offered me a weekend trip, I tried to negotiate, and he left me on read for 5 days before coming back with the exact same offer—and also makes jokes about ‘training,’ ‘disciplining,’ or ‘setting rules’ for me? At first it can feel playful, but it also gives a strong sense of control and power dynamics, and I’m unsure whether this is normal teasing or something more concerning.

[HollyK21]

It definitely sounds like some manipulation tactics, in any case though, when someone starts showing you who they are — believe them. You say you just started dating this guy, I’d say that’s way too soon to be accommodating or accepting of game playing and nonsense. Hell, you shouldn’t even tolerate that in general. Let some other woman deal with the antics, there are far more fish in the sea.

[Asker]

i think so too. It just weird. I have never met anyone like this

[HollyK21]

I’ve unfortunately met a few guys like this in the past, and I feel like there could be different reasons for this behavior at play. It could be unhealed and/or unresolved issues with women (or a woman), or acting on bad advice he was given in the past. It could even be him thinking that he’s safeguarding himself as so many people do these days, when in reality he’s making himself undatable for almost any woman he encounters.

In any case, if I were you I wouldn’t keep on entertaining it. Since the connection is new, then washing your hands of him should be fairly easy. I’m sure you have your reservations, whether it’s because he’s good looking, you get along well for the most part, or even just you wanting this to work because you’re tired of looking, tired of dating. Regardless, this isn’t the sort of relationship that you should settle for, because eventually you will become small. If you accommodate these “punishments” now when it’s so early in, eventually you’ll be walking on eggshells, doing everything in your power not to make him disappear. All you’re doing by dealing with that is affirming to him that he is the prize, and not you. It’s showing him that he can treat you however, and in the end you will just fold like the good little pet he would seemingly prefer you be. There’s just much better options in men.

[Asker]

Thanks so much!! since you said you have dealt with these type of men, how to heal myself? since he created so strong trauma bond. i cannot see normal men interesting, because they dont create such drama. i want to text him since the chemistry was so strong between us, but i dont want to loose a game. i dont know what to do

[HollyK21]

Maybe this is a sign to address and heal your own trauma, rather than giving into it by dating a man who triggers it. Try not to romanticize this — it’s not exciting, it’s not healthy, it’s not worth it. You may even want to consider therapy if you feel like you can’t get to the bottom of what got you to where you are now. Sometimes the extra help is more important than you think.

[Bykurs10]

I guess normal