When is it truly too late to say “I’m sorry” and be forgiven?

[CrazyGirl2]

I've found this topic to have come up in several unrelated conversations over the past few days, often worded differently, but with the same essential meaning. Which is, 'when is it too late to just say I'm sorry'? The important part is obviously 'and be forgiven’. But when is it too late to say you're sorry in many different contexts anything from where you work social activities, romantic activities marriage. I'm really interested in reading some of the answers. Here I'll even give one of my own:

When you can start to smell the cat decomposing, but you're really terrified of ruining your roommates vacation! And secretly hoped that he would've just found the cat in its little bed, and discover it's dead, and that it had nothing to do with my cat sitting!

[Smart_Monk]

I have told people that i apologize just to stimulate my personal growth and i don't care if they do not forgive. And if one apologizes only on the condition that they want to be forgiven, then it is not a heart felt apology. ㅤ (Anonymous 18-24)

[OlderAndWiser]

If you have done something wrong, saying "I'm sorry" doesn't really do much to change anything. It's just words and they are easy to say without being sincere.

If you are playing ball and an errant pitch breaks the neighbor's window, what's really important is that you fix the window instead of just apologizing.

So maybe you should ask when is it too late to undo the harm you have caused?

[CrazyGirl2]

That answer made my heart drop a little. I was just asking an “in general" question… but the way you wrote ‘the harm you have caused’ felt really personal. All we can do is apologize, when we’ve directly or indirectly hurt someone we love. But at some point it really is important to just forgive. To err is human, but to forgive is divine.

[OlderAndWiser]

"All we can do is apologize" I disagree. If you have been neglecting someone, you can start being more attentive to them. If you told a lie, you can commit to being 100% honest and transparent, such as giving them access to your cell phone. If you forgot a plan, you can start using a calendar to help you remember your commitments. There is usually something you can DO to demonstrate that you mean what you SAY when you apologize.

[midnightmoon05]

A wiseman once told me… the best scenario is to never put yourself in a place that an apology is needed.
we certainly make mistakes…I would rather hear… oops…… I truly forgot. Let me make it up to you.
the action is what is worth.

sorry is overly used and I have told multiple to not ever say sorry unless it is action base.

[Abbycado]

You are a 23 year old psychologist and can’t figure this out? You will have to excuse me for not believing you.

[CrazyGirl2]

No Problem, nobody should believe everything they hear on social media. But I’m not a psychologist, I’m an MSW, not a PhD yet, I’m a therapist but GAG didn't have anything closer, so it was either I select "psychologist” or nothing! But I graduated high school at 16, went right into UF, and had my bachelors in juuuuust over two years at 18 My MSW took the longest. at almost 4 years, plus a year internship to specialize. I’m now working towards my PhD. But to be fair, you shouldn't believe anything you read on social media, ever!

[AviatorTom]

It's never too late, but its effect diminishes over time.

[CrazyGirl2]

Great answer! I would agree with most of that. I believe as long as “we" are both alive there is always the possibility. But I absolutely agree that the effect of an apology definitely diminishes over time.

[Levin]

When the person you have hurt has moved on. and it feels like the other person didn't particularly care anyway. And the person starts to value their self more so doesn't want to go back to that old dynamic. There's a season for everything, as someone quite lovely said to me on Friday. <3

[CrazyGirl2]

That’s an incredibly wise thing to remember. It seems as though you surround yourself with some truly lovely, and truly brilliant people. I envy you your choice of friends, and your choice of sage advice. 😘 💋

[Levin]

Umm, not really. I was just chatting to some American artist after a gig, and the conversation took a turn, ha.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

It's too late for me when I sense that even if she's truly, genuinely sorry, it doesn't matter because the reason why she's sorry I view it as a structural issue between us, instead of a contextual one.

And when I view it like that, then my hope for us is gone. And, soon enough, so is our relationship...

[CrazyGirl2]

That’s quite a mature, and well thought out answer. So for you, you can forgive isolated mistakes, but you won’t stay in a fundamentally broken dynamic, no matter how sorry she/he is?
I fully agree!

[CrazyGirl2]

That’s quite a mature, and well thought out answer. So for you, you can forgive isolated mistakes, but you won’t stay in a fundamentally broken dynamic, no matter how sorry she/he is?
I fully agree.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Yup, I had my share of dysfunctional dynamics lol, it took me a long while and several relationships to spot what they are and where they come from though

[NathanDavis]

to say sorry means nothing... if we don't really feel sorry

and to say sorry so we get forgiveness in return, that's not so genuine either... we should express the sorrow we feel over our wrongs done, to assure someone we truly FEEL sorry for what we've done wrong

forgiven or not, is secondary

and with that being said, I think it is never too late for us to truly feel sorry for what we have done, wrong

[exitseven]

Sometimes you do something that just cannot be forgiven. It varies from person to person.

[CrazyGirl2]

Well, I’m not sure “I" have ever done anything even remotely close to being unforgivable, but I can imagine that there are limits for everyone, and that while one can do something unforgivable, it’s just incumbent upon one to stay within the “four corners” as it were, of the marriage /relationship contract, written or not!

[exitseven]

There are things that people have done to me over the years that I will never forget and never forgive. It is not a long list but the list will always be there.

[CrazyGirl2]

Oh I most certainly agree with you on that! There have been a lot of really awful things happen to me in my life that I will never forget. But forgiveness is a gift to give yourself. It does not mean you have to tolerate their shit! It’s just a personal thing that allows us to move on with life, without that person living rent free inside your head!

Forgiveness does not mean you pretend it didn't happen, and go back to the life you were living before it happened. It is an internal process in which a person voluntarily reduces resentment, hostility, and the desire for revenge toward someone who has harmed them.

What forgiveness isn’t, is often just as important:

It is not forgetting.
It is not excusing.
It is not condoning.
It is not reconciliation.
It is not surrendering justice or accountability.

A victim can forgive someone and still testify against them in court, never talk to them again, and believe they absolutely deserve punishment! People who have genuinely forgiven someone still remember what happened, and we may still think about it, even think about it a lot! The difference is that the memory no longer carries the same emotional baggage, the same charge of bitterness, vengeance, or ongoing injury.

I believe it’s best described as: "The conscious decision to relinquish the desire to remain emotionally bound to the offender through your own rage, resentment, hatred, or desire for revenge". That definition absolutely leaves room for something that many people miss:

1.) You can forgive someone and still never trust them again.

2.) You can forgive someone and still want them imprisoned.

3.) You can forgive someone and still never speak to them for the rest of your life.

Forgiveness, psychologically speaking, is about changing your own relationship to the injury. It does not necessarily change your assessment of, or relationship with the person who caused it.

I sincerely hope this helps.
Laura. 🤗 😘

[llorando]

I don't know, guess it depends on what you did that you need to seek forgiveness, but in my opinion, being late to say you're sorry is better then not saying sorry at all.

[Bklynbadboy12]

I dont think its ever to late to say you sorry. Think about that for minute. Saying you sorry is you taking accountability for something you've done its showing remorse and its never ever to late for that

[Agape93]

Depends

[CrazyGirl2]

I would imagine that you are quite correct! I to believe it depends.

[OlderAndWiser]

So you wanna be a lawyer? :) :) :)

[Agape93]

It depends

Lol jk. No way. I don't have the patience. Plus lyingnis discouraged

[Agape93]

Lying is*

[OlderAndWiser]

Yes, we are actually held to a very high standard for ethics, and attorneys committees disbar attorneys far more often than doctors lose their license.

[Agape93]

Yeah I'd probably be disbarred lol

[Willoughby23]

I don’t know. Im not big on apologizing.