Great date, now it's distant.

Went on a date with a nice girl last night, saw a movie and went to a bar for a few drinks.

She leaned into me during the movie and seemed a bit off for a second after it, I didn't put my arm around her during it but that's not really my style on the first date (I kinda like to talk more before I start the physical stuff, probably something I should stop).

She came onto me before the date, and seemed keen, and we had a really good convo at the bar, clicked well enough I thought.

Walked her home, had a good night kiss. I thought things went well.

Saw her today and she just seemed distant, close to blanking at points. There was a moment the convo was picking up but I had to go for an hour for a seminar.

I touched her on the shoulder and said I had to go, just naturally, just to try and remove that barrier.

I asked her if she wanted to come to a movie tonight with some friends and she said yeah, but dunno, she didn't seem enthusiastic.

Is it normal for women to just go distant after a good date? (not as in I thought it was good, as in it was genuinely good, there was chemistry, we clicked, conversation came easy to both of us).

I'm not really coming onto her heavily, in fact I am playing it pretty cool because personally I like to be a bit more sure that something is there before I start getting too touchy feely. Guess I just don't want to risk openly liking someone before I'm happy it's game on.

My plan is to see her tonight as usual, if she shows up, and just tell her last night was a bit of harmless fun and I am noticing a little bit of distance and just let her know I'm cool if she's just wanting to be buddies.

I'm just not very good at chasing women down, maybe that's what I got to do and it has been very much her who has instigated this up till now, but I just find it so hard to...get into that chasing frame of mind, the thought of wasting energy chasing someone who just isn't interested is just not cool in my books. Rather just shrug smile and walk off.

But she does seem nice, anything I can say or do to see if that chemistry is salvageable?

No joy, got blanked pretty much tonight, fortunately a change of plans meant I could get out of it ("I don't really wanna go to the bar tonight, tired, talk to guys later").

TBH got quite annoyed, one of my last memories of my dad was him not even able to look at me, so getting blanked just winds me up and I couldn't deal with it any more, but putting it behind me.

Girls, some of you any way, please, if you decide you're not that interested after all, be honest and let us know. :)


Most Helpful Girl

  • Perhaps she has the same issues as you. I mean you're not very backwards about telling us that - with the exception of the kiss; which is pretty much expected and part of the course - that there was very little that differentiates what you did last night, from just going out with any guy mate. She has very little to go on in in terms that you may be into her. Perhaps she suspects that YOU just want to be friends.

    It could just be that you caught each other at a bad time today - she had something on her mind. I wouldn't read too much into it - the point is she did agree to see you again. And I know I definitely wouldn't do that if I didn't genuinely want to see the guy.

    But yeah - if she does turn up tonight - don't talk about last night, don't talk about the fact that you thought she was a bit distant today, don't talk about just wanting to be friends. Even if you think you're just reassuring her that you're okay with those outcomes - all it would serve to do is make her think that that's what you want out of it. Just be yourself and let things progress naturally. Talk to her, involve her; just generally have a good time and make sure she feels like you want her to be there; and kind of that she's there with you - not just as part of the group.

    • That's the plan, thanks for reassuring me I'm on the right track. I've never been perfect at the early dating stuff but I allowed myself to like someone a few months back and she ended up fooling around with one of my friends, fact is I totally misjudged her so I'm a bit iffy about my judge of character, I'm not so free and easy with my affections unfortunately.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Sometimes us women have a good time with a guy and then the next day have second thoughts about the guy for whatever reason. It probably wasn't anything you did. It could be she's just stressing about something else.

    If she shows up tonight, I wouldn't even mention the night before. Just say you're glad she could make it and try to show her a good time.

    Bringing up any negative from the previous night could possibly make her feel negative about it, even if she doesn't. So don't go down that road.

    Be happy and confident around her. Compliment her on something without going over board. Her outfit, hair, eyes...

    • ..aren't as pretty as yours. Lol. Got it. Cheers for the advice.

  • ok so I have some pretty extreme "daddy issues", he was never there, he traveled a lot, lived in about 5 different countries in two years, and every single time in my entire life when it felt like we were getting close, he would immediately leave. it hurt so much that eventually I began to resent him and as a result I shut him out a lot. well, this carried onto my relationships with guys. the example you described above happens a lot to me actually, if the guy does not seem into it on the first date, if he's not making moves, or if he does not seem very much in charge of the situation, I just give up, because I just don't have that kind of confidence to keep pursuing the relationship if I am not sure that it will lead somewhere. I am terrified of getting attached to the guy and thinking it is going somewhere to find out he is just not interested. I really have a hard time being forward and initiating things on dates, so if I were the girl you went out with and during the movie and you didn't make any moves, I would just get very discouraged and distance myself from you in order to protect myself from getting hurt. I've done it countless times before and I swear its nothing personal, but I've had guys get really annoyed at me for doing so and told me I'm a tease and lead them on. maybe be for straightforward and bold around her, this is what I always desire in guys. hope this helps :)

    • I appreciate the honesty and yeah I think my abandonment issues is why I'm not so quick to go in guns blazing on the first date either, at the time I just assumed if its meant to work out it'll be fine. I managed to talk to her last night and she apologized after I told her why I was off last night. You're right she got awkward because I didn't try anything, told her I wanted to but I just don't move that fast after one date. See how it goes from here!

What Guys Said 4

  • If there's one thing I've learned it that what we intend doesn't dictate how we're interpreted. Maybe she felt like the date was cold. Having good conversation doesn't always mean you're establishing attraction. Woman like indicators of affection and you don't have to kiss or hold their hand to do it. Playful flirting is a great way to develop attraction and touch is also a good way to break the "friend" barrier. Ask yourself if someone was watching you two would they be able to guess you were interested in each other by what you're saying and the body language you use to say it?

    "Playing it cool" will only leaving you standing in the cold at the end of the day. However, you shouldn't be too forward in your emotions. Women naturally like figuring things out and mystery is one of the greatest ways to develop attraction. Hint through your conversations that you're interested in her and she'll allow herself to develop feelings for you as well. They're almost like light bulbs. You need to provide the electricity to turn them on.

  • It's possible that she is hiding her interest and enthusiasm for going out tonight with you(playing games). Or, she could be preoccupied with something in her life,(example: personal and financial issues). Just be yourself, make her laugh, and show her a good time, if there's chemistry then it will happen naturally. Oh, if she's playing games then you'll know, being hot and cold are the obvious signs.

    • I guess I just worry about this sometimes because I am not very lovey wovey or whatever you know? Not until 'sh*t gets real'. Until then I'm very much my own man and sometimes I wonder if that comes across as disinterest or whatever.

    • Well stop wondering, if you think you actions indicate a negative, then change your actions. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there without holding back and live with results.

    • Indeed, gonna up my game a bit, be more interested, thanks.

  • It was Valentine's Day, she wanted you inside her.

  • One possibility you may not have considered, is that you're a bad kisser, and it was during the good night kiss that she realized you two had no chemistry and that's what led her attitude to change the next day.