How patient do I need to be with a very shy guy? When do I need to just give up?

Question

My friends think I am crazy to be so patient with a shy guy.  I just honestly think he is worth the wait because he has awesome qualities about him that I like.  
We have hung out 4 times and made out 3 out of the 4 times.  I said once when we were kissing that I really like kissing him then he got a huge smile on his face and said well good.  He is not much of a phone person so it's hard to read into what he is thinking.  We hung out for the first time at the end of January.  We text a little bit each week but he is just very quiet.  I asked him the last time we hung out if I annoy him when I text him. (I only text twice a week, I don't want to over do it plus I have a life as well.)  He said he doesn't mind at all but it's just that he doesn't have much to talk about.
I've had numerous other guys ask me on dates/to hang out but I have turned them down.  I just am into this guy and want to give him a fair chance.  The shy guy approached me in the bar to start things off.  (We knew each other in the past and hung out a few times years ago but he was too shy to make a move.  So I did this time.)  
He told his friends that he was talking to me and I have a hunch that he mentioned me to his Dad.  This weekend I asked him to hang out but he said that this weekend was not going to work because he had family things to help with and listed a whole list of items he needs to do.  He is super close with his family.  I just don't know at what point he will start initiating more things. Or if that was a brush off.  We had a really good date night the prior weekend.    
I am certainly not desperate, I could go on other dates but am choosing not to right now.  I really want him and only him but don't know what I should write it off as he is not interested.  Please help.  What do I do now?
Shy guys please give me hope here or something!

Micotrico · Accepted Answer

He's shy. I used to be that shy, but have started to break me shell. The problem with most shy guys is they know they like this girl, but like me, are too afraid to take a chance. On the other side the girl is being frustrated thinking whether or not he's into her or not and this drives women crazy - or so I believe at the very least.

In the end you have to decide if you're willing to put yourself in a more vulnerable situation and just straight up tell him you like him. If you do this you will have given him indisputable evidence for him to conclude you like him. Trust me, this is coming from a shy guy.

The unusual thing is that you said you guys dated and made out a couple of times. For me that would be enough evidence to make a move on you as I'd clearly see the attraction is mutual. Still, the counter factual is the guy who went to the same high school has informed you he is "that shy" which might suggest he also has low self confidence (not esteem, big difference) leading him to irrationalyl conclude "she's not that in to me for reasons X, Y, and Z" when she's practically throwing herself at him.

In the end it's up to your prerogative to determine "how shy" he is. If he's that shy you actually have much more influence on him.

AdamThomas · Accepted Answer

I'm not shy, however I'm very quiet. There is a difference between the two, and I suggest you google it and read up on it a little bit, he sounds like an introvert.

I used to chase women all the time, however, it eventually becomes tiresome and in some cases frustrating, so I stopped for a while and focused on other things like setting up my own business, hobbies etc. That was when I met my girlfriend, she approached me, and she said that I was very "mysterious", that I held my cards close to my chest and that she couldn't figure me out. She said that she hated the feeling of having to prove herself to me and having to initiate things.

Yet this is what most guys have to do when they go after women. Wecome to a man's world lol...

Anyway, it's just a case of getting to know him better until he's more comfortable with you. If you want him you're just going to have to keep on doing what you're doing. Further down the line you can tell him that you'd like it if he'd initiate some things. He probably doesn't even know how to if he's never had a girlfriend, show him the way.

Paris13 · Accepted Answer

Sweetie, so far from what I am reading, you are making Great head waves with the "shy guy," and I commend you. For everything you have accomplished with this fish out of water sort of guppy guy, you have certainly come a long ways. Keep up the good work.
As long as you are not pushy, Nor too forward with anything, he will most likely stick around. And with More togetherness, more communication, this may even end up a perfect partnership in the future.
If this 27 year old guy is who you want, who you have the best chemistry with, then nurture your relationship. And being you Are his first girl, makes this even more special for him. Feel honored.
No, I don't feel he was blowing you off at all by telling you of his sincere other plans to help his dad. He most likely Is very family oriented, and just would like to divide up his time between you and---his other school of "family fish."
I don't see anything here showing me he is Not into you, and absolutely do Not, "write off" the shy guy. True, as you already know, there Are other fish in the sea, but with a little patience and understanding and effort on your part, you just might have the------Catch of the day.
Good luck. xx

sonyahardesty · Accepted Answer

Here is the approach to bring out your guy from his shell
1. See him when he is in his element. If he plays sports, go and watch the game too. Be there as he finishes a marathon.
2. Compliment him. Notice something about him or what he is doing that you really like and praise it with a specific and sincere compliment.
3. Say his name a lot. Give him a complimentary nickname. This indicates that you're noticing him and that he is important to you.
4. Ask open-ended questions. These kinds of questions will help a shy guy open up and talk about himself.
5. Ask for help with something. Men love to help women. They're wired that way, to find solutions.
6. Ask about his interests. Ask what he likes to eat or what sports, hobbies, or movies he enjoys.
7. When leaving, say you’d like to see him again.
8. Touch him gently or even give him a mini massage.
9. Make the first move yourself. It's not illegal or even off limits, and it may come as a great relief to a guy who's a bit reserved if you ask him out.

Masamii · Accepted Answer

I was in the situation you were in, but reverse. I was the extremely shy one. Like i wouldn't initiate conversation. it was all i could do to send a Facebook message back to the poor guy (we finally exchanged phone numbers after a couple months). Facebook messaging isn't even much of a commitment. this guy (my current boyfriend) waited 6 whole months for me to be ready and feel comfortable enough with him to be his girlfriend. and i thank him every day for that. I am also close with my family and told him upfront that if i get the chance to see my sister who i don't see much anymore and we happen to have plans that night, that i'm going to be with my sister. he understands it and is glad that i'm so close with my family.

this guy is probably just insanely shy. just keep talking to him, in time you'll peel back that shell little by little. He'll appreciate it in the end :)

backspace · Answer

I would wait for him. :)
If you guys kissed 3/4 times you saw each other I'd say he's really into you he just doesn't exactly know how to handle the situation very well.

I think that I used to be like him years back and I only wish that I found a girl like that so that she would have given me the chance to work my courage and go forward with everything.

I'd say if you think that he's not moving fast enough for you do what you did take initiative but make him feel like he's the one taking the initiative. That will bring up his confidence and he'll then really take charge.

A really good friend (really successful painter/sculptor/philosopher) of mine once said the right woman for a man is the one that takes charge and makes everything happen like she want's it to but at the same time makes her man think he's the one in charge so everyone is happy. Us guys are not that complicated. :)

The girl I'm... I don't know... I guess starting to date... is this way. I always feel like I'm the guy who went for her and wanted to get her and wore her down and succeeded. But if I think about it. She liked me... let me chase her... kept me interested but still at armed length and then let me chase her some more before letting me finally near. But I don't really mind because I feel like the guy that succeeded where nobody else could and it's really great. :)

So good luck with your guy. :)

Anonymous · Answer

I was fairly shy myself, and I have two siblings that are both even shyer (damn genetics <.<), so I think I can offer some insight that may help give some perspective. Although understand that people are shy for different reasons and his situation may be totally different.

I got my first girlfriend at 22 after years of being. neglected? socially by my peers. Through my lack of initiative as well as a profound misunderstanding of shy people by the general population. This was especially true in terms of dating and stuff. So I had something of a self esteem problem. He sounds eerily like I did, with things like "I don't have much to say." That's not true. I would think that he is 1. Insecure because of lack of previous success. 2. Keeping up some walls because, even though you appear interested in him, he's waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under him and every one jump out and yell "surprise! it was a joke" =P. I would just be patient. If you think he's a good guy, then keep at it. I would encourage him to open up by making him feel comfortable. Ask him about stuff, get him to talk about himself. If he's uncomfortable, just talk about yourself or anything really. I think just talking to him will help. Make sure he knows that you want him to talk and that you like talking to him. Also, I would get him comfortable opening up to you alone before you start pushing for making the relationship "official" and all that. It add's pressure, even in normal relationships. And damn, he's 27. I have no idea how big the walls I would have had up if I didn't let them down until I was 27. But if you're forming a real connection, you're making more progress in the "Romantic Department" of your life than if you were going on 1 or 2 dates with other guys.

Also I would assume that if he tells you he's busy and gives you a bunch of specific reasons, he's actually busy and trying to make sure you know he's not being vague and blowing you off.

sean1234 · Answer

Reading this for a second I thought this was my future girlfriend talking about me and somehow this question got sent to the past... Just kidding

So... "... We have hung out 4 times and made out 3 out of the 4 times..."

My God you make that sound like nothing. I am 31 and never had a girlfriend. I would give my right arm to be kissing the woman of my dreams 1 out of 4 times on a date, heck I would give both my legs and right arm to just hang out alone with a beautiful woman that liked me for 5 minutes.

Myraziel · Answer

I'm in the same boat as you. My guy initiated contact with me on Facebook and we talked and he asked me to hang out. We've hung out twice, first time he was very affectionate and we made out (he had a few drinks) and the second time he took me to dinner and was very shy. He opened up about his family problems and a bad car accident he was in. At the end of the night, I had to ask for a kiss but he seemed very willing and happy to give me three kisses. 80% of the time I have to initiate conversation and he will just ditch out on conversations at times. It's very frustrating. I know a woman who had known him since they were very little and she told me that he's super nice and has been screwed over in relationships and he is very shy, so to be patient with him. I'm trying to be, but at the same time I'm getting very discouraged and I want to give up. It's driving me mad. 😕😣

ManThatKnewTooMuch · Answer

I didn't vote because I would do something different.

I would tell him to his face that you're not sure where this is going and that you need him to man up- to take you out and start acting like a boyfriend. If that's not what he wants (because you feel like you're getting mixed signals) then you'll have to move on.

Hopefully that kick starts his courage or impetus to act like a man around you. You're telling him what you need from him.

The second alternative is to just keep doing what you're doing... but fuck that! lol This dude needs to accelerate and he needs to know that. Besides, my way is more fun. Plus it'll help him grow out of his shell.

islands7 · Answer

Opposites attract, so if you have the energy to keep stoking this fire, remember you will be the fire tender the remainder of this relationship - it becomes your role, so can't get tired of it.

My goal would be to get to the bottom of it.
Is he so spoiled he doesn't have to lift a finger to get something he needs?
Has he been so abused by women past that it's just not worth extending his hand again just to see it whipped?
Is he gay?
Is he anti- or a-social?
Does he prefer the simple self satisfaction of uncomplicated masturbation?
Does nothing turn him on, e. g. cars, guns, dance, sports, computers, what? You'll need to adopt some of these favorites... if any!

Tracbam · Answer

Hi,
The most important thing here is that you like him n with your comments he likes you back but doesn't know how to show it. Like you said he's shy. you are probably the first girl he's dating.

Mold him to your taste. Make him what you want, not controlling him, or dictating for him or telling him what to do, but make him your man. e. g. my sibling is dating a guy that he's so into her, but she doesn't like he's personality because he's boring, stays indoors, the cozy type, but she made him change. She suggested they go to the movies, the beach, the mall, have drinks out, blah blah blah. She molded the man to her taste n they are very happy together now. She even made him change the way he dresses, not by controlling him or been impulsive. She made him more attractive to the herself.

The good thing about a shy guy is, he his a good listener. He doesn't say much, but he listens. So make him your man. You like him, make him someone you want to love and he sure will change.

Purplelove010 · Answer

I picked B because I really find confident, talkative guys more attractive. I want someone that can express themselves fully to me. I don't care for shy, mysterious guys. It's okay to be shy sometimes, but when you let your shyness get in the way of being yourself around me or having a conversation with me I lose interest. I'm not interested in bringing something out of a person. I want them to already be willing to express themselves to me. I love to talk & I want a guy that's not quiet or don't have much to say. I like it when a guy can carry on a good conversation! That's a plus for me, but if he's too shy to express himself. I don't want to take up time with him.

Jamie23 · Answer

My boyfriend was so shy but I kept going and being very persistent. My friends still to this day are like "he never talks!" Lol. But he's literally the best thing that's ever happened to me, worth the year of talking and befriending him. I'd do it all over again. (:

Anonymous · Answer

Right now, I'm seeing a guy who is afraid to commit because he's been hurt a lot, but it's very obvious he wants to commit to me, but he's just not ready yet. Shy guys in my opinion are pretty much the same, scared. Men want to feel like they are in control, even if they don't actively seek control. Make him feel comfortable with you; show him that he can be himself around you without fear of judgement, and do not box him in. I would try asking him directly if he can see you becoming a couple in the future. If he says yes, then give him some slack and see where it goes. If he says no, try not to take it personal, and back off a bit, but maintain some friendship. This will show him that you're not going to let him use you. Guys will play the shy and hurt card to get a romantic relationship without having to commit.

candlewax · Answer

Yeah, be patient, but at some point in time, he SHOULD start opening up as he gets more comfortable with you.

Things that would tell you that he's not that into you- when he cancels or won't make more plans and lists off excuses. It's kind of a universal "not interested" move.

fuentesdeamor · Answer

It worries me that this is more of a challenge now than anything else, although no doubt you like this shy boy it also seems that he is the total opposite of you. You seem to have lots of friends and things to do whereas he is never had a girlfriend and possibly not too many friends. Does it seem to you that he is that much in to you? Have you spoken with him about it? Does he answer your texts in so many words or just Yes or No? Good luck. Please keep us up-dated. :)

acka72 · Answer

You should do both.  Give up on him but leave the door open in case he musters the strength to be with you.  Continue dating other guys.  The only reason you should stop daring guys is cause you have an official relationship.  Otherwise don't cause you may miss out on great  guys while you are fussing about someone who may not be together with you

Rose994 · Answer

Why don't you tell him this? communication is key. Even shy people want to know what is going on, it his (kind of) relationship too. This seems to irritate you, if it goes on for too long how will this relationship turn out? not good. I do not think you should wait for him or give up on him, just get him on the same level as you. Talking fixes a lot more than people think. Waiting for someone is a waste of time if you aren't going to do anything to help him along.

pineneedle · Answer

He sounds like a nice shy guy, but in truth you really don't know him that well because he is so quiet. That's not to say you should give up, but make sure that you're not creating a relationship or personality (if that makes sense) for him and become invested in what you think he's like as opposed to what he's actually like.

Hans222 · Answer

I voted A. What you could do, is tell him, and keep telling him, that you really really love him as he is: shy and quiet.
Just this feeling may help him relax a bit. He probably won't open up to everyone, but he may open up to you. Cuddle him untill he does :-)

CrazynKinky · Answer

Want my opinion run far and run fast. Shy guys are so bloody frustrating. You think at some point they stop being shy and to a point they do but it's bloody painful. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love mine but it's work, as are all relationships but it's worse when they're shy. If you really like the guy just go for it but fair warning just cause he shy doesn't mean he's not an asshole

EsperanzadeOaxaca · Answer

Shame on those who say "give up on him", be patient, he could really be the right guy for you, and as mention he never had a girlfriend before, show and remind him how much he really means to you! I would because I mean with all my heart. I mean how long will it take to meet someone like him?

quantumdefender · Answer

I myself am a shy guy, many women give up on me. bottom line is, I been rejected so many times in my life, I won't make a move anymore unless I know for a FACT the girl want me. flirting is NOT confirmation she wants me. in an age where I see in the news women suing men for sexual harassment just for saying hello, I dont even approach women anymore. if she wants me, or is interested, she needs to step it up and ask me out.

Anonymous · Answer

If this sounds like him, he's likely shy. Look for smiling, stuff like that. You mentioned he's happy around you that's good.

How patient do I need to be with a very shy guy? When do I need to just give up?

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