How Screwed Are They, Really? Ep. 5: The 2017 film Power Rangers

How Screwed Are They, Really?  Ep. 5: The 2017 film Power Rangers

Welcome back. I know it's been a very long time since I've made an episode of this, and the hiatus has been super long. Some may think of this as cheating, as I've already made an episode about the TV show Rangers from MMPR - Dino Thunder.

However, as I'm continuing to publish to Mod the Sims a crossover Sims 4 comic where Volkonir meets the show Rangers, film Rangers, Emo Rangers, etc.; I found it fitting to mention that these new film creations are quite a bit messier than their paragon-of-virtue show counterparts.

How Screwed Are They, Really? Ep. 5: The 2017 film Power Rangers

(Bozeman police - and possibly also George Lucas - are considering going after Volkonir for stuff like this; but...that's for another episode. *Kermit sips tea.*)

As for things I may have missed in that previous episode, Looper covers more on the topic below here:

So, without further adieu, let's discuss how much hot water the Krispy Kremey Breakfast Club Rangers would be in, if visited by a near-omniscient prosecutor...

How Screwed Are They, Really? Ep. 5: The 2017 film Power Rangers

These five are adorable; but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be seen as dirty. Let's start with the one that would probably be the least bothered:

Trini

I predicted in my previous take about a solid way to make a sequel that in order to introduce Aisha, Trini should be captured by Apex or the Silver Guardians. Yes, the idea of what to do if a Ranger ever wound up in prison was explored once before, on RPM. But that subplot involving Dillon and Ziggy was resolved rather easily. (And involved a fight over Jell-O...because reasons.)

In this new PRCU, according to Aftershock, simply being a Ranger puts you at risk of being recruited to Melanie Sheer (totally not Amanda Waller)'s Apex program as a "valued asset." So you're basically Suicide Squad-ed if your identity is leaked. (Though...Becky G in a Harley Quinn outfit...doesn't sound entirely like a bad thing!)

We went from Jell-O fights to Transformers-level federal government paranoia, just like that!

Trini has already made many careless remarks that would make her mother and brothers suspicious that she might be the Yellow Ranger. Her sudden affinity for wearing yellow all the time doesn't help either.

She can also be indicted for:

- Not turning in her friends

- Vigilantism

- Trespassing (multiple counts)

- Evading police

- Destruction of property

- Grand theft auto

She'd probably get the GTA charge dropped. Her fingerprints are inside that van; but that doesn't mean she participated in stealing it. All evidence against her here is circumstantial.

She would probably, under the circumstances, be declared a lifelong ward of the state. Her knowledge of the Morphing Grid would be mined so the government could make its own Rangers. She'd have to comply, in order to get assignments. While out on assignment, she could get quasi-comfortable lodging. It would sure beat rotting in prison the rest of her days!

But much like Maggie from 2007's Transformers, Trini's life is now basically over. Saving the world or not, she's never getting out. In fact, I can even imagine her mother selling her out, the way Bobby Drake's brother did to the X-Men in X2.

I would also count on June having zero integrity not to turn Trini in, because she's bound to suspect at some point that Trini has been gotten-to by the system and now struggles with a confused lust for other teenage girls, leading to her questioning her own sexual preferences. To be fair, Trini's bi-curiosity was handled much more respectfully than LeFou's coming out in Beauty and the Beast. It was there if you like that sort of thing, and subtle enough to be thrown out and ignored if you're not, without any serious plot ramification.

However, June was written in a way that is offensive. She's not a realistic traditional mother trying to protect her daughter from bad influences. She's apparently a (GLAAD-approved) stereotype of a "big meanie" traditional mother figure trying to "suppress" her daughter's "blooming potential." Portrayed as a one-dimensional, controlling, irrational, hysterical, shrill old hen of an unpleasant woman. They try to dismiss the disservice done here by making Mr. Kwan a total weakling; but I argue that just makes it worse. Her part was badly-written. I'm talking Heavenly Creatures and Apt Pupil badly-written!

When an authority figure is so disgracefully written and portrayed in a film where the director is blatantly trying to pander to the gay audience members, it goes without saying that said authority figure characters will sell out their own loved ones in a heartbeat for petty and vindictive reasons. This has been a Hollywood cliche since at least American Beauty, and I don't see it going away any time soon.

Therefore, if Trini ever fails to hide that coin...not even her own family will have her back!

Zack

In addition to the charges above for Trini, Zack somehow never fails to have those meds ready for his sick and dying mother. What's up with that? A DEA investigation might not get very far. However, only Trini's friendship back prevents him from getting in some serious heat for how many times he's stalked her and creeped on her. That could be an additional 8 years, depending on state laws, especially if it becomes aggravated stalking.

If he were ever brought in for the same charges as Trini, his fate would be almost the same. Only, instead of getting assignments with cushy lodging and being a lifelong slave; Zack would probably come to be viewed as some kind of sexual predator or something for his ways with women.

This would get him a pretty low standing on the totem pole. He better hope he doesn't lose his bond to that coin! The Russian Mafiya would eat him for lunch without his powers! (To say nothing of the Triads, Aryans, MS-13, the Zetas, etc.!)

Billy

Billy's addiction of blowing stuff up is played as really cute and coy in the film. But in 2016, the world was still a pretty jumpy place, left over from 2015. In addition to the above charges, he would face the top charge for grand theft auto for stealing his mother's van! After all: it was his idea! Conspiracy charge. And, he involved a known delinquent (Jason) in his plan!

He also messed with Jason's tether, to fool police. Depending on state, that can mean an additional sentence of 2-15 years in prison - assuming he isn't merely shot for domestic terrorism, that is! All that blowing stuff up made you a total of six friends, Billy! That's it! And always wanting to blow stuff up now means that ginger bully had a point about you! Four of your six new friends are your main partners-in-crime, one's a talking wall, and the other's a robot!

You can use the spectrum to dismiss his need for crayon rituals, sure. But even most autistics know that blowing up cliffs and blowing up lockers at random is a really bad idea!

If he got captured by Apex or the Silver Guardians, he'd probably be placed in the hands of some stupid hack federal agent with no spectrum training. Said idiots would not know a thing about an autistic boy - let alone one with a fancy suit and a dinosaur robot!

They might even take his mother, for good measure!

Jason

Jason is one of two actual criminals on this list, and (supposedly, according to the film,) did the worst thing of any of them! He has evaded cops before, and plead guilty to doing so when his father pressured him to. (Source: Deleted scenes)

How low can this ex-football star go to show what a bitter and angry soul he is? Hard to say.

He'd get at least hit with all of the same charges as Trini; but would also be nailed along with Billy for the ankle monitor stunt. So even if he's not outed as a Ranger, he's still looking at anywhere up to 20 years in the pokey!

Take that, Sam! Using your son as a trophy for yourself!

Also, the competence of Angel Grove police is very inconsistent. Jason pulls a prank, and they're psychic. Rita goes on a serial killer rampage, and it isn't until she's eating gold at a jewelry store that they even try to put up a (very half-hearted) effort to do anything about her!

After he gets the coin, it's like his monitor completely disappears. What were his terms of probation, and how did they not figure out that his tether was tampered with? He was away from home, then magically safe at home, in seconds? I don't entirely know how the ranges on non-S'Poling tethers work, but shouldn't the police be wise to those kinds of shenanigans?

After all, Shia LeBouf in Disturbia couldn't get away with anything! I guess Jason must have been super lucky that his probation was a very short few weeks. He wouldn't be so fortunate if the Near-Omniscient Prosecutor arrived!

Kimberly

Quick recap: Kim...

- Had a boyfriend

- Had a best friend cheerleader

- Was given a sext by that cheerleader friend out of nowhere, for unexplained reasons

- Saw her boyfriend cheating on her with her best friend

- Retaliated against her by re-sexting the nude to her now-ex-boyfriend (a misdemeanor)

- Got him so upset, that he became obnoxious to her

- Punched him in the face to get him to leave her alone, displacing a tooth (assault and battery)

- Got the rest of after school for the year in detention as punishment

Seems pretty straightforward, right? Well...

According to this anonymous take, she's super lucky the feds didn't get involved! Kim is now some tier or other of sex offender. Ouch!

She is also fortunate that Angel Grove is allegedly somewhere in California. (Apparently, no longer a small suburb of LA like on TV.) In California, state law lists her revenge porn violation as a misdemeanor charge for disorderly conduct. In neighboring Oregon, she'd be hit with a Class A misdemeanor charge. Basically, a year in jail - NOT a remainder of school year in detention!

In Michigan, she'd face the same penalty as trying to return an out-of-state bottle: 93 days in jail. In Idaho and Illinois, she'd face felony charges. Illinois would put her away for 3 whole years!

That's assuming you don't also count my one fanfic, where she:

- Steals a coffee mug for no apparent reason

- Gets arrested for insulting a cop (contempt of cop)

- Vandalizes a jail wall with a Sharpie pen

- Annoys everyone with her new catchphrase: "I'm an awesome possum!"

- Spouts incoherent nonsense and begins staring off into space

- Escapes from jail with the help of a magical man in a bad Wonka suit

- Assaults a monster and sends it retreating using the same coffee mug she stole earlier

- Smashes the coffee mug (destruction of property)

- Only gets her own mind back after the Wonka look-alike decides to skip town

At the very least, that'd be a few extra counts of mischief. And with the incoherent babbling and spacing off, she might end up in a mental hospital instead.

Let's recap: the original Kimberly on television's worst crime (besides germ warfare in season 3) was...illegally flying an airplane one time???

Sheesh! Pink Ranger is now a hardened criminal!

In conclusion...

With APEX hunting them and waiting for them to mess up, the Rangers have to be on their guard constantly - and have trusted companions who can replace them in a heartbeat if they run into trouble! New guardians who can take on the coins.

It'd be one thing if life in prison simply for being Rangers were all they had to worry about. However, they are each looking at accumulating at least 24 years behind bars for the totality of all their preexisting criminal behavior as civilians - as long as the TV show has been around, wouldn't you know??? These Rangers are a lot edgier than the ones in 1993!


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  • dude... you might be retarded.

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    • And I bet you make that same ignorant assumption about Cinema Sins when they calculate how expensive the property damage in a movie would cost in real life? It takes research to develop these conclusions. All you have is blind lashing out.

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