Debates over the best movies rage in an unceasing squabble between dorks and poindexters into perpetuity. That’s why I’m using my authority to finally put an end to the debate and reveal what the 10 objectively best movies actually are.
Film critics whether amateur or professional and keyboard warriors of any kind need not waste their phalangal dexterity with emotionally charged objections as they are futile. Acceptance of fact is the only justifiably rational way to take in this list.
just kidding. This is my opinion and my opinion alone. Actually, it isn’t even the final 10 best movies even in my opinion, there will be others I like more which come to mind later that I just didn’t remember at the time of writing.
Nevertheless and without further ado, here are the objective best movies of all time in no particular order.
1. Falling down (1993)
Anyone who has experienced life identifies with this movie.
2. Batman (1989)
The movie all subsequent superhero movies have tried to emulate and failed in the most spectacularly miserable fashion. A pioneering masterpiece with no equal in its genre.
3. Oliver! (1968)
This is not just a kids movie and a musical but also a thriller. That is hard to pull off but this picks the proverbial pocket. Every joker who ever saw this has done their own Oliver impression to ask for more food.
4. Walk Hard (2007)
One of the stupidest movies ever made but acted so brilliantly by its star that it doesn’t just work, it makes for the funniest musical comedy of all time. A brilliant story that sends up multiple generations.
5. John Wick (2014)
The first one. The others are all pretty much the same movie but without a proper conclusion. This movie comes across as serious but it is actually taking the piss out of the whole tough guy action genre. Michael Niqvist’s character’s resignation to the fact his son will be murdered by Wick yet still does his best to stave off the inevitable is one of the funniest performances of a movie villain I’ve ever seen.
6. Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)
It seems 1993 was a good year for movies. Head and Shoulders shampoo owes the entirety of its success to this movie and I take butt in the moonlight strolls at every opportunity. Just let that sink in and marvel at the comedic genius of this film.
7. Vegas Vacation (1997)
I had never even heard of Wayne Newton until I saw this and nobody else had either. But aside from that fact, this movie is relatable in so many ways. No other film conveys the dilemma of the human condition so well and sends it up with such self depreciation. It’s subliminal but it’s there.
8. Escape From Alcatraz (1979)
The Shawshank Redemption was just Stephen King trying to copy this. Clint Eastwood squints his way out prison in a gripping slow burn loosely based on the truth. I mean what do you want from me? Seriously.
9. The Shining (1980)
Speaking of Stephen King, this time it was his idea being done by someone else. But the someone else did it better. Stan Kubrick’s take on this story and casting of Jack Nicholson whose second appearance in this list is no fluke, produced one of the eeriest portrayals of descent to madness in the history of film.
10. The Big Lebowski (1998)
Don’t agree? Well that’s just like your opinion. Fucking fascist. We know this is your homework and I would like my undies back. I’m staying. I’m finishing my coffee. Enjoying my coffee