A guy goes into a bar and says "A mug of beer says that I can tell what species a piece of wood is, how old it is, and what it is used for just by smelling it." One guy says "I'll take that bet. Put a blind fold on him." So they do and someone waves a serving tray under his nose. "That's an easy one. It's cherry wood, about 2 years old, and it's used in a serving tray." The bartender says that he bought that tray 2 years ago. So they buy him a beer. Another guy hold up his 2 piece pool cue under his nose. "Hmmm, let me smell the other end of that." So he does and then the guys says. "Tricky tricky, but you owe me a beer. It is mahogany and maple, 5 years old, and it is a pool cue." He is right again and gets another beer. So they keep testing him and they keep buying him beers. By now the guy is getting tipsy so they can figure they can get their money back. "One last time. Will you buy the house beers if you are right this time?" The guy agrees. So the motion the bar maid over who stands on a stool. "What is this?" they ask as she sticks her pussy in his face. "Hmmm, trying to trick me again I see. Let me smell the other end." So she turns around and sticks her ass under his nose. "Nice try guys but you owe me again. It's the head door off a 50 year old tuna boat!"
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
Im not necessarily funny but I can be sarcastic from time to time. However I do think the person who created the knock knock joke should get a no bell prize 😉
Depends on who you ask.. I think I am, some people think I am, my kids act like I'm not.. My older daughter had a friend that would always say I was hysterical and my daughter would say My mom? 🙄 "You know, it was so cold in D. C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets." Okay if that's not funny...
I try to be, most of the time I'm successful. I enjoy word play the most, which is a big part in why I love puns. I find lots of them and end up grouping them together :D
What is the twisted similarity between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of it's paws, one is the pause at the end of a clause :P
What is the twisted similarity between a man in rags on a unicycle, and a man in a three piece suit on a bicycle? A-tire
What is the twisted similarity between an old bus station by the sea, and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Many women have told me so because they misinterpret my self-loathing for self-deprecating stand-up comedy.
On an unrelated note, women aren't funny (unless they're lesbians and/or super-ugly. That's the only exception). Can't be; never will be. Don't try to convince me otherwise, Sarah Silverman. Make one joke not involving your vagina or other body parts, then we'll talk.
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No, not even close to being funny. My humor is way too dark. For instance, in a police bodycam video, a guy who was trespassing in his ex's house was telling officers he had a gun and said "wanna see"?
Officers started showing up as he backed into a concrete wall before telling them to decide who's going to kill someone before counting down.
When he went to 2, he turned to the first officer and quickly pulled his hand out from behind his back like he pulled out a gun. All officers fired their duty pistols and he went down.
So many shots were fired that the closed captions said "applause" after they stopped firing. That made me laugh for a minute straight
When I bought my Christmas Tree for 2021, the guy went and fetched it for me from out the back of the store. When he returned with it he said to me “ This is a nice tree, are you going to put it up yourself “. To which i replied “ Actually i was thinking of the living room “.
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees an ugly guy in the corner surrounded by 6 beautiful women.
He says the to bartender, "What is it about that guy? I'm good looking and I struggle to get a woman to look at me. That guy, he's ugly, and women are all over him."
Bartender replies, "Oh, that's Jake, he's a regular customer, comes in here often, sits in the corner and licks his eyebrows."
One prostitute walks up to another prostitute and asks "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other prostitute says "no, but I've been twirled around by my tits."
A woman goes to her pharmacist and says "I'd like to buy some poison to kill my husband" The pharmacist says "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I can't do that" The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
a guy goes to prison and his cellmate says it’s not so bad and not to worry. He asks if he likes baseball and he says yes so the cellmate is like that’s great we play baseball on tuesdays, then he asks if he likes mexican food and he says yes so the cellmate responds that’s great we have tacos every Wednesday, then he asks if he likes anal sex and he says no so the cellmate responds oh you’re not gunna like Thursday! 🤣
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I have a very dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I like to start all my conversations "Ah, I see my assassins have failed". Never in my life did I think I would walk up to a bak teller wearing a mask asking for money.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
I was born without a bone, a funny bone, I dont even have one of the senses.. a scene of humor... I also have problems with my vision. I have anal optic disease... a very shitty outlook
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My parents seem to think so. I don’t really joke much about others, though. As for telling you a joke, that would be difficult as I have a dry sense of humor.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
Do you know why black people are tall Because there knee-grows
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