Why I don`t have sympathy for my brother with depression

[Anonymous]

Don`t get me wrong. I love my brother. We are like best friends in many ways. There is just one thing that drives me crazy. His depression. This isn`t the kind of depression he "makes up" or "fakes", because his depression is very real. He used to take pills, go to therapy etc. Now he is in a very dark place, and I used to feel sorry for him. Now I don`t. You`ll see why.

I might come off as harsh or cruel. I used to think that about me. But his depression is not an excuse for what he does. I just don`t feel sorry for depressed people who think everyone should feel sorry for them when they want everyone else to give everything to them with nothing in return.

1. He always asks my parents for money.

He is 23 years old, and still asks my parents for a lot of money. My other brother and I still live at home and need as much support we can receive. Every time I need money for medication, or my brother needs money for a dentist appointment, my dad says we have to pay for it ourselves. Meanwhile, my brother, who lives hours away from home (he used to have a job- I`ll come back to this later), drains my parents` accounts every month and doesn`t pay them back nor feel sorry. The worst thing is, he never learns.

Let me just get something clear. Where I live, you get a lot of support from the government for going to university. My brother gets this support (which is a lot), plus, he had a really good job, AND he lives alone, so he only has to pay for himself.

2. He spends all his money on pointless gadgets.

He is a university student. He doesn`t need to buy a Nintendo Switch, the most powerful gaming PC in the market and the best gaming headset. Still, he has the guts to ask my parents for money. Why won`t he sell all of that unnecessary stuff and buy food to survive instead?

3. He always asks my parents and me for advice, but NEVER takes it.

He will text me randomly one day and ask me what to do about a certain situation. Of course, all I want to do is help him, because I love him. The most annoying thing is, he never takes my advice! I sit there for hours, listening, talking, texting... and he never listens. It drives me crazy.

4. He is not prioritizing right.

Right in the middle of the school year, he chooses to go abroad. Not only is it expensive- he has work to do! I never understood why he planned a vacation in the middle of the semester. Also, he has never done internships. He always wants to come home and do nothing. This is very serious, especially when he has to go out in life and get a career after school. Most places require experience from internships. He won`t have any.

Also, when you are depressed, it`s only logical that you should get professional help. Where he lives, it`s free. So I don`t get why the heck if his life is so bad, GET HELP.

5. He doesn` t go looking for a job.

He has been unemployed for five months or so. No wonder he`s broke! I get that he could need a little support from my parents, but he doesn`t even try to get a job.

He quit his other job because he "had a good feeling" about another interview he was in. -.- He didn`t even get the job. Smh.

6. He desperately wants a girlfriend, but he doesn` t even take care of himself.

Poor guy. He is very handsome, but he has the worst hygiene. He never showers, wears the same boxers for days and has like two pairs of socks. His hair is grown out, he gained a lot of weight and he even grew a beard. He complains that he will never get a girlfriend, but I don`t have the heart to tell him that the best girls want a) a man who takes care of himself b) someone who has financial stability etc.

Guys, I am really sorry I had to put out my brother like this. I just want you to know, it doesn`t matter if you are depressed. You need to do something about it, and at least try. You can`t exploit people and their kindness. Otherwise, I really do feel sorry for depressed people. Just not people like my brother. It`s like everything he does is a vicious circle. Spends too much on junk- wastes time- bad priorities- no job-no money-bad food-bad hygiene-bad esteem-no girlfriend-lower esteem- more depression

[btbc92]

To be honest Most of this is from your parents, not just him alone. If your parents babied him too much or never tried to support him, that's the main issue. Professional help doesn't HEAL and cures depression. Only God can do that. But he also guides us to make wise choices in life. And sadly, there is not a lot of people who are willing to teach people anything anymore because other people forsake or take advantage of other people.

In your brother's case. This is due to the lack of purpose in life and self-esteem issues. Not depression. And I also say that your family is tackling this all the wrong way. He needs a LIFE COACH in his life. Somebody who can be a mentor and guides him to a better life so that he can get out of that rut! Instead of badgering him, which is not working. You need to try to support him emotionally. You think your helping but you're making it worse.

1. Do you THINK he wants to live like this? No. He doesn't know what to do because he is not happy. Something in his life happened that made him feel like no matter what he does, it's never enough. If he is asking your parents for me, the wise thing to do is ask him what he wants to do in the future after university? And form a savings plan for that money. That way, he can spend on it whenever he wants, BUT he has to put at least 25% of it towards savings. Let him learn on his OWN. That's the best way to get a spender to STOP spending unnecessarily. And your parents need to have a set budget for him. And if he goes over. NO. MORE. MONEY! And he has to pay it BACK.

2. How can you say he doesn't NEED it? He's under stress. What you do for stress relief may not be the same for him. If he attempts to buy another game or whatever over $50, let him know he already HAS something to entertain WITH. And if he cannot be humble with what he has, then no money for him. He has to get his own money elsewhere.

3. Stop giving him advice. That's all. Let him know that you told him this, that and the third before. If he can't learn from his mistakes, its' not your problem. Set boundaries.

4. Let him do whatever he wants. It's his life, not yours. Some people have to learn the hard way. You're just going to make YOURSELF sick for trying to help another person.

5. Right now, he has to focus on school. If he can't get his schooling in order, what makes you think he can hold down a stable job? Let alone any job?

6. Who cares what he wants?

[btbc92]

"but I don`t have the heart to tell him that the best girls want" Sorry, that doesn't mean their the best girls. The reality is he is trying to meet unrealistic expectations of everybody around him and this can cause anybody depression. People need to stop trying to change him. His behavior is that of a stressed person. Somebody needs to have a good talk with him with no judgments and try to help him get to his goals.

[btbc92]

aren't willing to teach*

People are giving up on him too quickly and sadly neither you nor your parents know how to handle it.

[Lovi87]

God? I asked him to help me and cure me... he hasn't.

[btbc92]

@Lovi87 Nope. The problem is your lack of faith and belief and no demand on the healing. You don't believe he can heal you and if you have no desire to know the Lord, he won't get close to you. My dog was about to die early this year, he healed her. So what are you saying? Look at yourself in the mirror and find out what you do wrong. You have to DESIRE it in your heart. The word says, we produce what's already in our heart. So if all in your heart is doubt, how can God hear your prayers? How can ANY human being believe in YOU, think about that for a sec, before you start pointing fingers. Healing also comes after repentance. If you don't repent, you can't get healed. Healing cannot happen where there is sin in your life. Especially unrepented sin. Those things blocks healing and hearing from God.

[Lovi87]

Ha Funny. So when parents beg him to save their children dying of cancer, they have to look at themselves in order to be saved? No.

[btbc92]

@Lovi87

Yes. They do. Because Cancer is the root of sin and generational curses. You don't know about that because you probably weren't taught of it. So please don't talk to me as if you know because you don't. My late mother died of cancer and her root of it was from sin because she had sex at 13 and ended up with HPV from somebody who had sex with 5 prostitutes, AND he was an older teenager.

[btbc92]

And it's not BEGGING. It's getting to the root cause of the problem. Demons can't leave if you don't want them to leave. That's the sad reality and people die and go to hell with their sins.

[Lovi87]

Bullshit! everyone sins and not everyone gets cancer. Don't find excuses. Kids and babies can't sin, yet they die from illnesses. God still doesn't help them.

I have had a few family members die of cancer. Have they sinned? yes. We all have and do. We're human.

The bible is full of crap.

[btbc92]

@Lovi87

You got serious issues. Full or anger, resentments and doubt. That causes certain demons to attract to you and the worse it is, and you don't stop, the quicker you can develop disease. The CDC even said that 90% of illness stems from emotional problems. "Kids and babies can't sin, yet they die from illnesses. " EVERYBODY is born in SIN. You dare talk about the Bible but you sound like you never read nor understood it. They die because like he said 'My people die for their lack of knowledge'! They don't know better, but sin nature is what we are born with as well as having human nature. They die because their parents don't raise them in the Lord and teach them about sin.

"I have had a few family members die of cancer. Have they sinned? yes. We all have and do. We're human." Your not the only one who had family who died from cancer. My late mother died of cancer and I had my grandfather who died of cancer. This is where demons come in. You have to break curses, repent and ask

[btbc92]

for forgiveness and get to the root where the demonic forces have on your life and speak life into your body. If you think and say you're going to die. If you believe that you are going to die. Guess what? You're going to die. Life and death are in the power of the tongue! So be careful with your words and how you move your lips. How is that hard to comprehend? They choose to live their lives like we have to do for ourselves. If they didn't want to repent, that was their choice. Nobody sends you to hell BUT you.

[Allie_Oops]

Literally everything you listed is actually a symptom of depression in both behavior and actual feelings.

For instance, I bought my PS4 last year when I did not have the money. I didn't care, though, because games are soothing to me. It keeps my mind occupied on things other than my shit dating life or my difficult career as teacher with low ass pay. I'm sure that's why your brother has the Switch and gaming headset as it helps takes his mind off his depression.

I'd hate to have you as a sister.

[Edanurus]

As someone who's suffered from depression I find this disgusting. It is a vicious circle and the people who your around certainly affect that. You talk about financial support bit that's not what he needs it's emotional support. It literally took my 3rd time of trying to kill myself and the death of all my grandparents fore to get myself help.

Depressed people do act like your brother, you just don't see it because your not close enough to them. If this is how you feel about your brother then you have no sympathy for depressed people at all. Depression isn't hard because you feel sad, it's hard because you understand how self destructive you are which makes you think you are a bad person who doesn't deserve help and the way people like you talk to you just enforces that. Doesn't even need to be words, you're hyper sensitive to everything and the anxiety hits you.

This is why people who are depressed kill themselves. I'm worthless, it's my fault, I'm just bad and theirs no way out. Then someone like you, who's meant to be close to you comes out with this and it's. Your right I don't deserve life and it's too painful anyway.

I hope he survives this, and I hope that you never get to that point because this opinion you have will destroy you if you do.

Sincerely a 10 year depression veteran who spent the first 7 years just trying to get up work not moan, improve my life, have a fake smile.

PS What you want your brother to do won't cure him of his depression. You just won't see it coming untill someone finds him hanging in his closet and then everyone will be like 'but he seemed fine' because it's easy to pretend everything's ok while you fall apart inside.

[Knowbetternow1]

The harder you push a depressed person the darker their life gets. Love your brother, you don’t have to be sympathetic but you can be understanding and there if he needs you. Depression is a real thing brought on by all kinds of issues. Some physical, some environmental, some mental.

[lumos]

I get that these things are annoying to you, but imagine what he must be going through. Like, imagine feeling so shitty that you don't even want to shower for weeks. Imagine thinking that playing games is the only thing that will distract you from your own mental illness. Imagine being so tired and drained every day that you don't want to get out of bed, much less find a place to work at. Imagine knowing that you should get better and asking for people's advice, but never being able to follow through because you don't have the strength and support to do so.
If anything, your parents aren't exactly helping the situation. Why are they giving him money when they know he can't spend it responsibly? Why are they not trying to get him to therapy instead? To get out of the kind of spiral he is in, he needs someone who's willing to take charge of what's going on and making sure he's getting into healthier routines. Not feed his depression by letting him do whatever he wants. Shame on your parents for letting it get this bad, and shame on you for having no sympathy for him. I really don't think this is the kind of person he even wants to be, and all you're doing is complaining about the symptoms of his depression. As if he feels any better about it than you do. Selfish.

[JudgmentDay]

2 is the biggest problem, buying more shit isn't going to fix the problem. Simply just running in circles chasing after the next thing and the next and the next and the next, and running up the bill.

6 is another one. Geez. I don't know why people can't realize that you don't need a relationship to live, unlike how you need food, water, air and all the rest of the other necessities.

As for 5, can he drive or does he at least own a car? Maybe a bike at least? Try uber or lyft or any other courier gigs or whatever the gig economy is available locally in their region. But then again depression and driving isn't really a good mix either.

He need to start to at least realize that buying and owning more shit is ultimately emptiness, and accumulating more and more of it would only make one more miserable causing even more clutter. If he won't listen to your advice, then forget about it, let him learn it the hard way. I sometimes remind people to avoid being too attached and too materialistic and FOCUS ON JUST THE STUFF YOU ACTUALLY REALLY NEED when you spend your hard earned money, otherwise you're only gonna end up more disappointed and miserable some day and realize that some day the more one has the more one has to lose eventually, since we lose everything eventually once we are in the grave some day.

And like you said, he needs to begin to reassess everything and prioritize his shit accordingly.

Remind him he better learn how to take care of himself, because nobody is going to babysit him and take care of him forever. What would he do when his parents would no longer take care of him and can no longer provide him any more money? What would he do one day if his parents aren't around anymore? Tell him he needs to wake up and better get a grip of himself.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you never had depression. If you haven’t bern in that place, and I mean really been in that place, you can’t understand. Ever. I have sufferred severe depression, ptsd, anxiety and social anxiety for almost 4 years. Suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, everythig. You stop caring. You go cold and emoty inside and you have no will power to do anything. I went 6 months without showering or even changing my tank top because A) showering and chaging was too overwhelming of a task to even think about and B) I didn’t care. I went on vacations to try to escape the hell I was going through everyday, I dated around and met up with strangers from the internet in the park - in the middle of the night because I couldn’t bare to be alone and I didn’t care what happened to me, actually I was kind of hoping they would kill me. I didn’t feel love, not even for my family. I dropped out of school and did nothing for years because I couldn’t and didn’t want to, because I didn’t care. If my family wouldn’t had helped me and let me live with them I would have ended up homeless on the streets. I even started comitting petty crime to keep the thoughts and flashbacks away even for just a few minutes. I didn’t want to go and get professional help because I couldn’t see it working because talking and meds wouldn’t change anything that happened. You say your brother used to be on meds and stuff so he even DID try to get help but it obviously didn’t work.
Yeah, you become selfish and unable to take care of yourself when you’re depressed - that’s often part of the symptoms of depression. It’s not that you WANT to be an asshole, it’s just that you’re in such a bad place that when doing things trying to relief the pain it comes across as you do. That combined with the fact that often, you have no feelings for other people anymore.

[Anonymous]

Just because you get diagnosed and medicated, that doesn't make the depression real. You have no idea how easily psychiatrists can be fooled, usually assisted by their own greed and pride.

Your brother may well be like other patients and gets his dopamine kick from eliciting sympathy and "help" from people who don't know any better. The "depression" is, psychologically speaking, real enough. But it's a product of having his brain wired to the wrong reward stimuli, a fact of which he's possibly unaware.

The solution to the problem is getting him rewired to personal achievement as his reward stimulus; what he can get from himself rather than from others. Nullifying the reward for manipulation and instilling a reward response for taking steps toward a happier future is easy enough for a competent therapist. Emphasis on "competent", here.

These are behaviors which should be taken care of during the parenting process, but more and more parents seem to think that we should just let children be "who they are", and it's the main factor as to why we see more and more dysfunction in adults.

[MlleCake]

I can appreciate why this is so frustrating for you. You want to see him happy and feeling better, but the multiple ways he "uses" your parents is really distressing.

I do have sympathy for him, but that doesn't mean he's got carte blanche to ask everything of your parents.

And you see the spiral that a depressed person can get into, because they just can't cope. There used to be more help for people like that in this country.

I am sure you are as compassionate with him as you can be. Maybe it's time for your parents to rein him in a bit.

[Factshurt90]

Depression works much this way for some. We become impulsive and irresponsible trying to fill the holes in our lives that make us feel empty. His depression manifests itself in reckless spending habits... once the unhealthy coping mechanisms take over its almost impossible to fix without help from a therapist. It is also typical for depressed people not to take care of themselves... They have shit energy levels.
Tell him to seek help and love him anyway. That's the only way you can help. Continuing to pacify him is the worst choice.

[Sudipta007]

Seems like its not an excuse. Its really a serious depression. Not even depression he has a social anxiety also, he feel extreme emptyness, he needs some love needs some help. Genarelly this type of people have a big heart. They try to live their own imagination. I know its really hard for you and your family to understand, but ignorence is not the key. Your brother should consult a doctor for this, its should take a long time to cure.. but he is 23 maybe if he gets exact help and find the love he like. I think he will cured quickly. God bless..

[courtney06]

I struggle with depression on and off. I just skimmed and read the headlines and I don't blame you for not feeling sorry for him. He's not being proactive about it. I don't know how old he is but he better get it together soon because if he stays like this as he gets older, it's going to have a very bad outcome. The least he can do is talk to a therapist like once a week.

[massb]

Exactly

[pootytangg]

This is literally the definition of clinical depression you're just a asshole. You will never understand because your brain doesn't work like his.

[8sNo_one]

Hi, can I talk to you?

[BrianMerritt]

You can call it whatever you want, but I would be very frustrated if I were his parents.

[FýrdracaDócincel]

A few of these have absolutely nothing to do with depression.. just carelessness.

And don't even start your victim-lover shit on me, because I have depression also and even I can understand this chick's irritation!

[Shimy]

Each person's depression is different. Maybe you live your depression a certain way, and he lives his another way. Maybe his depression is more severe than yours. Or maybe you have very different symptoms. These very much seem like symptoms of a depression to me.

[Anonymous]

You don't have the heart to tell him anything because, you don't care.

All you can do is criticize and judge and complain about him online to random strangers who will judge and criticize him as well.

You're heartless.

[ROCKS128]

She doesn't understand others.
When she can mind her own work.

[Allie_Oops]

This comment is everything.

[ZestyWatermelon]

Depression can lead to self-centeredness, impulsive behavior, and many of the things your brother seems to be displaying. Just love him, be there for him, and make sure he knows you're there when he needs support.
I know its really hard trying to be there for someone who doesn't seem to want help, but coming from a person that has depression, its so much worse being on his end. If you would like to talk more about it, feel free to PM me

[JMghow]

Yeah, I'd be depressed if I lived like that, too. Men should stand on their own. Period. The modern age might not stop giving us shit for it with all their "privilege" and "patriarchal oppression" talk, but fuck them. Suicide is always an option, being a pussy isn't.

[InTimoreDei]

I don't feel sorry for him either. All these people getting mad at you but they probably don't live it. I have schizophrenia, which is way worse than depression, and even I don't do this shit that you're brother is doing. In fact, I wish my family did more stuff for me like they do for him. My family acts like I am normal even though I am far from normal.

[massb]

Same here I know how you feel , I have epilepsy and my parents treat my brother like gold and I don't know why

[Sudipta007]

Yeah i know about schizophrenia, but you know there is certain stage called 'Burn out' where the victim like death rather than living. We forgot our brain is also a organ even a critical organ which create mind powar and physical power also. Without mind powar you can't even walk. I think family needs to work hard for this just like the victim walking hard every seconds..

[Allie_Oops]

The fact that you are comparing mental illnesses is very disappointing, especially if you suffer from one yourself. Who are you to say your illness is more difficult than someone else's? You don't have depression, like clinical depression, so you don't understand these are the behaviors of a depressed person. And from she said, it sounds more like Major Depressive Disorder anyway.

Also, you kind of disproved your own point. You say yours is worse yet you don't have more severe behavior than him. Schizophrenics demonstrate much more destructive behavior than people with depression so I have a hard time buying your story just because from what you say it doesn't make any sense.

[InTimoreDei]

@Allie_Oops My behavior is destructive at times. It takes A LOT of self dedication to be able to stay away from those behaviors as a schizophrenic. It took years to master it. So...

I don't even need to defend myself to you anyway lol.

[Allie_Oops]

Won't defend yourself but still felt the need to respond. Probably because you don't have a defense.

Years to master it... first, you're 32. Stop acting like you started getting it together in your early 30's with as severe as schizophrenia is. Second, mental illness isn't some krav maga shit you 'master'. Definitely a liar.

[InTimoreDei]

@Allie_Oops Amazing generalizations and assumptions you're making. How lovely. Schizophrenia may be a horrible illness but there are some that do indeed "get it together" despite it.

[Allie_Oops]

I didn't say schizophrenics never get it together. I said they don't in their early 30's. So not only are you bad at defending yourself, you also cannot read.

[Anonymous]

I get where you are coming from but you clearly have never delt with depression. There is a difference between feeling sorry for youself and trying to get sympathy from others and being genuinely depressed like feeling the only way out is to take drastic measures.

[lernulo]

Well I think its true, but that he doesn't have any reason to change, he is very confortable on his chair.
About you, its really a problem, but at least you can move forward its very unlikely he does.
On my opinion, you should help him to get a new identity.
And about sorrow, I think its one of the things he doesn't need so, good for stop feeling it for him.

[mbht90]

I agree with this! But not in:you should help him get a new identity. All the help is what makes the chair comfortable. If there are some ways to make it possible for a positive transformation, it cannot be given, he has to take it by him self. So all the help and support may actually validate to keep alive this undesired behaviour and psyche.
Maybe , if I may suggest that there is a difference in the word "support" and "help", where the first is more passive than the later.

[lernulo]

@mbht90 When I talk about helping to get another identity, I mean watch the things he is really good at, and let him, to see himself as it, instead of the man who always ask for help

[MouthfulofDiamonds]

Pity is terrible I agree. How about you build your " unstable mable" brother up rather than let him sink deeper into the rabbit hole that is manic sepression. Depression is ofter environmental. I believe for every 5 bad/neg things anyone says to people itll take 10 to forget the 5. You can pick your noae but you can't pick your family.

[ivannna]

In depression you becomes self-centered, numb and lose empathy. It's a disease in which your mind works diffrently. Your brother doesn't have a will to live and you are suprised why he doesn't want job

[SaintRaghu]

You’re suffering from NPD, you’re the actual problem, if you can’t love your brother then try not to hurt him either, it’s pointless. Find a psychiatrist.

[Burgerboy21]

Admittedly I'm guilty of all these points, except the not looking for a job part. And I do sometimes do things to improve myself, but definitely not enough.

[madgoat]

Chances are he'll get bored of it. Living the way he does. Feeling the way he does. Then it goes one of two ways.