Why I most likely will not bear children

Anonymous

This is a mytake about my personal reasons on why I don't think I'll ever have children unless I meet specific criterias first.

Income

So this is a big one, I want to be able to buy a house when I have children, maybe not 'outright' I don't mind mortgages however what I do mind is renting to a landlord that could up the rent whenever he feels like he wants to, also the restrictions on rented houses vs owning your own are something I don't want to deal with. Renting requires long-term stability and sometimes that cannot always be foreseen. Circling back to the word income, I don't believe my income will be much more above minimum wage and I want my children to be able to experience the life I didn't, experiencing different cultures, going abroad, tasting different foods, never having an empty fridge, not having to think about adult problems before the age of 16.

Why I most likely will not bear children

Divorce rates & how common cheating is.

'A staggering 67% of couples in the study reported a decline in relationship satisfaction after the arrival of the first baby. The decline typically shows up between six months (for women) and nine months (for men) after the baby comes home' - Washington Post

In general, men are more likely than women to cheat: 20% of men and 13% of women reported that they've had sex with someone other than their spouse while married, according to data from the recent General Social Survey(GSS)

The UK divorce rate is estimated at 42%. Over 100,000 British couples got a divorce in 2019. The average UK divorce age is 46.4 for men and 43.9 for women.

Right, so now that's out of the way. Could you imagine raising a child in an unstable environment where you aren't happy with your partner romantically because of cheating, physical attraction, etc, not to mention the big one, divorce and separation, all of a sudden a financially comfortable family becomes a single parent with a little child support. (child support is a lot less in the UK). No, I am not bashing men, my dad was a single father. This environment would be harmful to the child and unsteady.

Why I most likely will not bear children

Mental wellbeing

So throughout my teen years I had a lot of mental instability, it's now resolved however I still have down days, as a mother, you cannot afford down days you must be there for your child 100% and I believe that. If I cannot do that, then why would I have a child?

Bodily changes

The majority of women (up to 9 in every 10) will tear to some extent during childbirth. Most women will need stitches to repair the tear. Most tears occur in the perineum; this is the area between the vaginal opening and the anus (back passage). NHS UK

Now if you ask me that's pretty traumatic, and of course, your body will never quite be the same even after vigorous exercise and diet, which can be hard to deal with in itself, and often SOME men stop being intimate with their partner after childbirth, even months after.

Seeing your body as never before which creates insecurities, raising a child for the first time, and having your husband not giving you the same intimacy anymore sounds like a hard thing to get through and anxiety-inducing. (I understand not immediately after, I'm talking months.)

My mother also almost died during childbirth because she has a very small pelvis for some reason, this makes me paranoid that maybe id be the same.

Why I most likely will not bear children

Stretch marks usually fade over time but may not disappear completely. Many creams and lotions claim to prevent, reduce or remove stretch marks. But there's very little evidence these work. There are some treatments that may help make stretch marks look better, but they will not get rid of them. - NHS UK

This concludes my my-take, I've summarised it quite a bit but I'm going to answer some common misconceptions I have:

The real reason is because you're not a traditional woman! Yes, I am not in the way I want to go to university, but I am very much traditional in the fact that I would love a husband and children.

Do you hate children!?!? No, I do not although they can be a struggle, you're raising a whole human! Of course they will be 'annoying' sometimes, id actually love to raise a child, and I'm quite good with children already.

Why I most likely will not bear children
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  • SkyCastle90
    Before I begin, this is constructive criticism, please don't take this as an attack; block me if it makes you feel better, no hard feelings. I just hope this helps.

    No children yet, but you're talking like a single mom already; "I don't believe my income will be much more above minimum wage and I want my children to be able to experience the life I didn't."

    This negative thinking is setting future relationships up for failure. "Could you imagine raising a child in an unstable environment where you aren't happy with your partner romantically because of cheating, physical attraction, etc, not to mention the big one, divorce and separation, all of a sudden a financially comfortable family becomes a single parent with a little child support."

    Why are you dreading body changes? If having a child is something you want, then changes are to be expected; you and your body will never be the same and you're a mother for the rest of your life. "Seeing your body as never before which creates insecurities, raising a child for the first time, and having your husband not giving you the same intimacy anymore sounds like a hard thing to get through and anxiety-inducing."

    Finally, what type of man are you plan on marrying and reproducing with that's going to cheat, ignore, criticize your body, and divorce you? You're letting your anxiety run rampant. You sound smart as hell, no way you're going to pick a good-for-nothing chump.

    1. If you haven't already, seek therapy and establish yourself with a trusted OBGYN.
    2. Choose a partner that has the same core values. Have those important conversations from the start, and walk away if he refuses.
    3. It takes two. Whatever combined income you and your husband make, always remember to never live above your means. Children don't care about traveling, fine dinning, and culture, they can do all that when they're grown; don't overthink it.
    4. Lot of women aren't traditional it's not the 1950's anymore so it is to be expected; many of us want to continue working, hate cooking, and aren't homemakers. But guess what? We can still get a husband and have children too.

    Basically, I feel like your MyTake is based on fear. Don't be afraid to live your life.
    Like 3 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • SkyCastle - I totally agree with you, very smart... many forget the core issue is FEAR...

      Asker:
      my body was fine after 2 kids... my kids are amazing.
      my body changed back
      my body change a yr. ago (40ish) not enough excerise...

      many i know around my age... m/f... are regretting not having family/kids...
      they are starting to feel lonely

      good luck to you both..
      a proud mom of 2
      a proud wife to a loving partner
      and a proud teacher to my students
      having a positive outlook in life with change the inner fear

    • Anonymous

      Thank you for your input, I agree it's a lot to do with anxiety and fear. You didn't offend me whatsoever, I understand a lot of this is self doubt. I also mainly do not trust myself to have children as well, as for the men aspect of things its hard for me to figure out who is a trustworthy man. I've gone to therapy since I was 13 and was discharged at 17 because I overcame my issues, and now I suffer from just anxiety sometimes, which all of us do to an extent.

      I really appreciate the perspective and input, my mind could change, and my life could go in a completely different direction (I hope it does!).

  • Qmt8112
    It's your choice, no worries. Do I want kids? Most likely, I just want to continue my bloodline. How I see it, we're all going to die one day and join God. Just live life how you want to.
    Helpful 1 Person
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Lliam
    I never wanted children because I didn't want the responsibility. My only motivation would be to pass on my family name and continue the genealogy. I thought about it, but decided it wasn't a compelling enough reason to dedicate my life to it. It's sad in a way because my genealogy obviously goes back to the beginning of time and it stopped with me.

    I don't get all mushy at the sight of babies. I don't even think kids are all that cute most of the time. I didn't want to deal with poop, pee, vomit or drama. Then there are the endless expenses - doctors, toys, entertainment, school, including college.

    You have to be all in with good example, attention, life lessons, training, involvement with hobbies, sports, school, etc.
    There are constant worries.

    If I did have a kid, I would be 100% dedicated to keeping them safe, raising them right, and giving them a good life. It just didn't seem worth it to me.

    I realize that my attitude is unusual, but it is what it is.

    I do love being married, though. I had girlfriends from the time I was 16. I LOVE women. But I didn't even consider the thought of finding a life partner to settle down with until I was in my mid-30s. I was too interested in being free to enjoy life to the fullest.

    I finally met my future wife when I was 40. She's 2.5 years younger. We got married when I was 42 and she was 40. Neither of us had ever been married, but we both had full lives before we met. We've been married now for over 25 years and couldn't be happier. We're best friends, trusted partners, and lovers. We've had so much fun together and still couldn't be happier. We're both happy not to have the responsibility of children but we look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.
    Like 1 Person
  • ChrisMaster69
    Good MyTake and I agree with you.

    If you doubt that you could raise a child how you would like to with security (emotional, physical, financial) you want, then yes do not put yourself in that position

    Obviously the hard bit is finding a partner who also does not want kids.

    The rest, such as stretch marks, tears etc, are part of being a mother, yeah it’s a bugger, however it’s a large bundle of love being forced out of a small hole.
    Helpful 1 Person
  • AviatorTom
    I understand your concerns, but...

    1. You are thinking of having children without a partner. Why? The best stable environment to raise a child is with a father and mother, in a marriage, where both partners contribute economically and emotionally.
    2. You seem to think that marriage would inevitably end in divorce. Using your own UK statistics, more than half of marriages DON'T end in divorce.
    3. Your body over time is going to change, whether you have children or not. That's actually one of the interesting things about long-term relationships, watching each other physically change, and learning to understand and deal with it.
    4. It's one of the most rewarding things one can experience to nurture a child, teach them and watch them grow. I have 3 adult children and I wouldn't have changed a thing.

    I'm not sure why you posted this anonymously, and don't know how old you are. You sound young, maybe in your early 20s. You might want to rethink this, especially as you mature.

    One more thing. Havign children is about the children... not yourself. It's how they turn out, not how having (or not having) children affect you.
  • Cherry234
    Thank you for writing this myTake. I'm considering not having children either for some of the reasons you mentioned. They're a huge financial burden and it's a huge responsibility. You have to be there for them 24/7 (at least when they are still kids and living under your roof). I'm also concerned about bodily changes and weight gain too. I'm in a lot of debt right now so I'm certainly not ready to raise a child anytime soon.
    Like 1 Person
  • Smoke-n-Growls
    Welcome to being Childfree! You're among great company.

    I share many of your reasons, though ultimately for me I just simply do not want kids.

    If you live in America, consider starting your search for a specialist referral to get a sterilization procedure done.

    Take your time to consider your options for birth control, as well.

    Personally, I went for a bilateral salpingectomy, which removes the fallopian tubes (a large risk factor both for ectopic pregnancies and most types of uterine cancer). Surgery was 5h in and out, up and doing physical activity within a few weeks, contact sports within two months.

    In Canada, the procedure is completely free, except whatever you spend on your prescription painkillers (which I hardly used any of).
    LikeFunny 2 People
    • PID?

    • Anonymous

      Please do not come under my MyTake being pro childfree, I have seen the subreddit and how nasty they can be towards children. If you read my Mytake says 'why I most likely will not bear children', not 'why I will never bear children' I do not want to be sterilised or get my tubes tied, because if im ever in the right financial place and mental mindset then I will have children.

      Also Im from the UK so medical costs are not a worry.

    • Ah, my apologies.

      Yeah, the subreddit is full of some not so good people. I prefer TrueChildFree. It's much better and more positive.

      Well, I hope your life situation improves and you do get to bear children, then. I think it's great if people who want kids get to have them, and can genuinely care for them.

      Good luck in improving your life to the point you can have kids!

  • FictionalCharacter
    To my surprise, stretch marks actually do go away with exercise. You probably think I’m bs-ing, but my older had 2 children and she had surgery on her vag as well.

    She had stretch marks and she did lose weight. But the stretch marks were still there. Till she did HITT exercises, and all her stretch marks disappeared. I kid you not.
  • hi_it_is_me123
    According to statistics men cheat more in their 30s,40s,50s aka when most of them are married while women cheat in their teenies/20s. I may get hate but in my opinion it is ten times worse to cheat on your wife/husband than cheating in your teenies/20s due to your stupidity, immaturity, etc. It is proven that your brain-development influence your maturity/personality till in your mid 20s.
    There is no justification for cheating but if i have to explain it, I would say that cheating in your 30s makes you a pure evil and NOT immature since your brain-development is completed while cheating in your teenies/early 20s makes you just stupid, immature, unstable etc.

    You cheat despite being a grown ass adult. How evil is that? No wonder why women initiate the divorce.
    LikeDisagree 3 People
    • So you’d rather someone thoughtlessly cheat and give in to their sexual urges rather than making the decision after giving it thought and weighing the options.

      You never seem to ask yourself why the men are cheating during marriage. Clearly it’s their fault and their wives treat them like kings.

    • 🤡🤡🤡 what?

    • So they cheat because their wives treat them like kings?

    • Show All
  • TommyWiseau69
    No one is forced to have kids, at the rate its going our world population and population by country is going to get really big that there might have to be some serious population control. I think by like 2050 the population in the world might cause serious problems, but it'll keep growing so you're preventing from anything from happening. If every couple were to not have kids for a few decades, that would help balance out the population and stop issues from arising as it would probably be equal or about equal to the death toll so our population would remain stable or just slightly decline.

    I think people that usually have kids earlier are more likely to be less prepared than people that have kids later. I can't really imagine how people in their 20s are parents. At that age you're super young and still establishing your life. Some people have kids right after they get married so the life they have as a couple is basically gone as they now have to focus on a kid. I think your points are valid. there's nothing wrong in choosing not to have kids, some people might shame you on it, but its your choice. Having kids also has perks too and it can be rewarding. To each their own
    Like 1 Person
  • SmokyOne
    Also the statistic shows the percentage of people that SELF reported cheating. Literally a garbage statistic. The only actual information you can get from it is that men are more likely to admit to it.

    Most researchers believe that men and women cheat at about the same rates.
    Helpful 1 Person
  • DCPowered
    There's never a good time to have kids. 200 years ago you would've said "I'm not having kids b/c there's too many bears eating people". It's like deciding when to jump off a moving train, your always going to come up with an excuse to not do it. You'll tell yourself "Maybe if I wait a bit it'll slow down and that's when I'll jump off." People have been having kids during war, famine, depression, name a terrible point in time and I can guarantee somebody was having a child.
    Like 1 Person
  • Avicenna
    While I personally don't think the reasons you gave would deter me from having kids, it's your life to decide what to do, and if you've decided you don't want kids, that's fine. My ex said for years she didn't want kids and we ended up having three (the first was unplanned). She agrees that it was better to have had them than not to.
  • exitseven
    KIds are not for everyone. I have neighbors that chose not to have kids. They seem pretty happy going on vacations and eating out a lot.
    I had 3 kids in 3 years and 3 months so they grew up together and it was very challenging to have 3 in diapers at the same time. Also there was on year when they all were in college at the same time. I had to borrow money to pay for it all.
    Now that they are all grown and are doing well I am glad I have them
  • ArtemisSilver
    You're missing the joy that loving your children can bring to your heart.

    Also if you're that fearful about economic conditions you are technically the victim of economic genocide, are you going to stand for for that?

    Finding a good partner might ease your concerns, but it's your life to live.
  • Twalli
    Most places have laws preventing landlords to randomly increase rent, especially with no substantial improvement to the amenities provided.
    Helpful 1 Person
    • Anonymous

      Thats cool and all, but I'm only 19 and it was still being done 5-9 years ago when I lived with my dad. Rent went from 500£ to 890£.

    • Twalli

      I am relatively sure there was a reason. I mean it really depends on local laws, but I don't know of any landlord who would do that with the very real possibility of losing a lot of revenue during to forcing people out. He would have to be able to generate more revenue by doing so, or be seeking a major remodel that would generate more revenue.

  • Noodle_fan
    being parents is hardest job human can do , i think ur decision is right , many adults think they are capable of that , but in the end they become just another abusive parents
    Helpful 1 Person
  • TransAm85
    I had one miscarriage and 1 premature who died at 22 days. I decided to get my tubes tied in '19, not b/c of the burden of a child, but b/c I knew my husband and I just weren't meant to be parents. Both births gave me some stretch marks and I gained a little weight, but I lost it quickly. The problem is my husband and I. He is a functional alcoholic and I have very thin patience for children I figured out. I grew up w/a little brother w/ADHD and Autism and that was my child. Despite my husband's alcohol problem, he still has stuck w/me. There are good men out there. Don't assume all just get women pregnant and run away. My father was one, but that was back in 1985. I think my mother had something to do w/it as well. If you find a good man, have a stable job, and want to start a family - go for it! He won't leave you just b/c u gain some weight and get stretch marks! There's only a few Kardashians my dear.. lol
    Helpful 1 Person
  • douride2
    At least you get to make the decision to have children or not. I had no choice in the mater.
    Disagree 1 Person
    • Anonymous

      Im so sorry to hear that...

  • dolemite89
    women REPORTED that they cheat less than men, that doesn’t mean they’re being truthful 😂 i think women cheat way more than men cuz they have more opportunity to.
    LikeDisagree 5 People
    • Agreed. I mean, women are the gatekeepers of sex. They have more sex than men do. Women also cheat for emotional reasons which happens far more than men who cheat simply to have sex. And sense women are the gatekeepers of sex and constantly reject it unless they’re the ones initiating it, men clearly are unable to cheat more than women

  • OddBeMe
    Just an fyi…none of that crap really matters. It’s all about what you want right now. Or in this case don’t want.

    I simply don’t want children because I hate the sociopathic little fcks. :)
    Helpful 1 Person
  • shaysh87
    you need to understand that a parent is self-sacrificing. If you are selfish person who cannot sacrifice your own wellbeing for your child, then you are not fit to become a parent. There will be many nights where you won't get any sleep at night due to your crying baby, yet you will still have to go to work. Marital satisfaction does decrease after the baby arrives, but does everything need to work to feed your own satisfaction? what about the baby's wellbeing?

    And if you think that the way your body looks is more important than seeing precious little kids, then you don't understand the value of having kids.

    You're correct that you aren't fit for the role of parenting. Such a noble role should not be given to just any random person.
    • Anonymous

      Its hilarious how you managed to miss the point so badly, im the opposite of selfish since I wouldn't have a child until my financial and mental wellbeing is stable LOL. Which I stated in the my-take why would I have a kid if im not financially stable? just to traumatise it.

    • shaysh87

      people can become financially stable in life. Nobody turns 18 and immediately becomes financially stable. For me, I worked my hardest to become financially stable so I can support my own kids. But you're acting as if motherhood requires no sacrifices or hard work. There are single moms out there who are incredible moms that work so hard to raise their children into successful , well adjusted adults. I've met plenty of kids in college who have single mothers paying their tuition.

      If you're not happy with a baby deteriorating your marital satisfaction, then you aren't a parent. Because you care more about your own marital satisfaction than about your own child. If you care more about the way your body looks instead of your child, you're not a parent. Because being a parent is a self sacrificial role.

      If you want to be a good mother, your kids need to come first. You don't come first.

    • shaysh87

      There are people who spend their youth working very hard on education / careers to become financially stable as they get older so that they can afford to have children.

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