I decided to write this post after losing a friend. I didn't feel much resentment when we stopped talking. I actually feel rather free now. I believe that his talk-listen ratio is to blame. Let me explain:
Talk listen ratio: A talk listen ratio, as defined by me, is the proportion of how much time you spend talking to a person vs listening to that person.
There are people who:
- Are fine with someone doing all of the talking
- Are fine with someone else doing a majority of the talking
- Are not fine with someone doing most/all of the talking
As someone who natively is annoyed by someone who does most of the talking (aka the third listing), someone with a high talk ratio drains me. It's even worse when a friend such as the one I had barely comments or brings the conversations back to themselves in the time that you do talk.
I examined another relationship I felt a bit drained by where I felt not listened to - a relationship with one of my parents. In one of the conversations, I went as far as to use a timer to time how much time they spent talking vs how much time I spent talking. The ratio was 1:7. For every one second I spoke, they spoke 7 seconds. By the time I have spoken for 1 minute, they have spoken for 7 minutes. In percentages, 87.5% of the conversation was them talking. Personally, I think anything over 1:2 (66% listening) becomes uncomfortable for me. One article even claims that a 43:57 ratio is recommended, but don't go around timing everyone of course.
A few other things:
- A low talk listen ratio can occasionally be uncomfortable as well to some people. In the 1:7 ratio for example, a person could feel guilt or neglection from a conversation where they're talking 7 times as much as another person.
- Talk listen ratios vary from conversation to conversation, person to person, day to day, etc. It's okay not to have a perfect 1:1 ratio all of the time. There might be days you need to rant or someone else needs to rant.
Moral of the story:
While there are people who are completely fine with doing a majority of the listening, I believe you ultimately rob a decent amount of people of a good conversation when you talk far more than you listen to them.
If you're one of these people, let this be a sign to try listening a little more to someone this week and see how it affects them. If you want to go the extra mile, you can check out this article here on how to stop talking so much. Some other notable tips include:
- "Ask questions instead of filling the space with your own experiences." - Healthline
- Recognize the signs and social cues you're talking too much - Upjourney
- "Listen when other people answer instead of thinking about what you want to say next." - Healthline
- Avoid interrupting, practice not interrupting. "If you have a question or want some clarification, let them finish their sentence and come to a natural pause before you ask." - Healthline
With love,
AnonyWoman
What Girls & Guys Said
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I am a listener, however I must also add. I am a listener that listens to inquire. I won't interrupt you, unless a detail is needing attention be that a question or to help fill in something I might be missing.
Not one that is just waiting for you to be finished talking because its my turn. I will get my chance when I decide to talk, however there is a reason I have a lot of customers that I think see me as a therapist, just I don't get the option to really say no I would rather not listen to this, as they catch me at work and it isn't how you treat a customer in the store.
I don't mind listening more so if its my choice, but will do so if someone really needs to get something out. Rarely do I ever speak of others business to anyone. *Unless there is need in doing so, harm being caused to another, or intention to cause harm unto another for example*
As for the other side of the coin, I maybe talk.05% of the overall time. However, I do make sure when I do speak, to be thought out as most the time its in response to a question asked, or a question I am asking. Then my thoughts if asked. Though as you can see here, I can get long in the response, especially with the ADHD at times bouncing the thoughts all around.
Talking.05% of the time, that sounds so low! I hate being put in the situation where I have no choice but to listen to someone who chats a lot haha
Many of times at the workplace i see management with that mentality where they will ask you a question or even try accusing you of something but the moment you open your mouth to respond they just talk over you so 1 approach i had was"no comment" and went on with my task and if they called my name as i was in the middle of something I would put my finger up meaning give me one moment and if that didn't work I would look them straight in the eye and sarcastically ask "IS THIS A LIFE THREATENING EMERGENCY"? Moral of the story is if you are going to ask me something and not listen to the answer then don't ask in the first place
Well thought out and insightful post. Is there a question here?
Yeah actually! Would you say you’re more of a talker or listener? I’m a talker trying to get into listening more.
I am a listener with gifted analytical skill and futurist skill set. I listen much but then talk when they tell me... want to know what i think. The woman chatty Cathy who say out loud what they are thinking drives me crazy though !!
I so agree. I’m nodding in real life but my brain is screaming “SHUT UP!” 😂 I might learn some ways to politely discard myself from the conversation when that situation does come up again.