I really need help because I have this friend who I've been friends with a long time. I love her, and I'm always there if she needs me. However, I can't help but feel bad at how much I judge her. She judges other people too, but not so much me. It's not like I talk behind her back, I tell her to her face that her behaviors bother me. I don't like sluttiness and I don't like cheaters. She has many partners and she has never been faithful in a relationship. I've told her many times that she should reconsider her life choices. She also loves to smoke, party, drink and she's a single mother. She told me how hard it's been for her to date and the men she finds are "immature", I told her that she should stop partying because she won't find quality men there, and also quality men don't like party girls, and she seemed bothered by that advice. Also to consider dating only one person at a time, but she didn't like that either. She likes to post pictures of herself that are very provocative and suggestive like bending over, sticking her tongue out, and it bothers me, but I haven't mentioned it.
She doesn't confide in me as much and I know it's because she hates the advice I've always given her. I feel like we have very little in common, she probably wouldn't be my friend if we weren't childhood friends. I have always shunned promiscuity and I don't like cheaters and she seems to continue doing both. I guess I thought by our age now especially since she has a daughter, she'd outgrow that phase but it gets worse every year. This isn't her but she posts similar pictures.
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People seem to ignore a few things, I've always been there for her and her daughter and always will. She comes to me for help, it's not unsolicited advice. She also has a daughter and I fear this is a bad example. Her life choices affect her child as well, it's not as easy as "her life so accept it".
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This picture is not her, I just used it as an example of the type of poses and provocative pictures she posts. I'm not jealous either, I just don't agree with irresponsible sex and cheating. It doesn't mean I want to have sex with Random people or cheat. Just like not agreeing with killing innocent people doesn't mean I secretly want to murder innocent people and I'm jealous of inmates on death row who have.
You don't. There is a reason why such acts of behaviour are seen as negative by people. The question is not how you stop judging her. The question is, if you can handle her as a friend despite that very obvious flaw and the chance it also potentially backfiring at you, or not.
About promiscuity: Promiscuous people have been linked again and again to... ... mental instability and higher rates of mental illness ... higher rates of STDs (It's a numbers game) ... be more likely to be a single parent (numbers game) ... have higher rates of abortion (numbers game) ... have less stable relationships and higher divorce rates ... have increased chances of having been in an abusive relationship ... be more likely to cheat ... be more likely to become addicted ... be more likely to come out of a broken household.
www.ideals.illinois.edu/.../Saroj_Hardit.pdf -> Promiscuity is linked to sexual aggression. -> Page 59. "The number of sexual partners was positively related to parental violence." -> Page 70. "As the number of sexual partners increased, so did the propensity to sexually aggression."
http://www.bradley.edu/dotAsset/165862.pdf -> Page 4. "Perhaps the strongest personality correlate of risky sexual behaviour is impulsive sensation-seeking" -> Page 8. Promiscuous people are more likely to be impulsive, have low agreeableness, low conscientiousness, sensation-seeking and a higher level of sexual infidelity. -> Page 14. "People who describe themselves as more unfaithful tend to have personality traits linked to a lack of trust and empathy (i. e. low agreeableness)"
www.sociopathicstyle.com/psychopathic-traits/ -> Point 11. Promiscuity is a common symptom of psychopathy. Goes hand in hand with the other study mentioning impulsiveness as it shows it here on point 14.
ink.library.smu.edu.sg/.../viewcontent.cgi -> Page 8. Higher amount of sexual partners is directly linked to higher degrees of psychopathy, narcissism, machiavellianism and an increase of any combination of those 3.
To put it into my own words: I think promiscuity is a symptom of mental instability and is a way of self-destructive behaviour, just like i. e. Obesity (not physical-health induced obesity). It's a huge red flag objectively, biologically and evolutionary for anyone who wants a comitted and successful relationship, but also can be for friendship. Thus there is no logical argument to me that promiscuity is in any way to be seen as positive
I can sort of relate to this. Like you, I also had a close childhood friend who makes questionable life choices. And like you, I do always find myself judging him harshly. He's a goddamn Chad and he pisses me off. If it weren't for the fact that his entire family and my entire family are close friends, I'd cut him off entirely without looking back, regardless of how close we used to be. Now as for the single mother part, I hate to say this, but for the child's sake, perhaps you should report her to child protection because it sounds to me like she's not fit to be a role model. I have a cousin who is like this, except the being single and cheating part. She was addicted to her partying abd drinking, she stole jewlery from my grandmother for drug money, and she scolded my mom and aunt on social media after they dropped everything to help her with her baby. She's even been in jail! Ultimately, and thankfully, she snd her boyfriend (who also wasn't so great) both lost custody of the child and she's now being raised by someone on his side of the family with a full restraining order from her. I'm happy for the child because she deserves better than my sh*tty cousin (and I hate to say that about family, but sadly it's true) and I don't speak to this cousin at all anymore. So ultimately I just ask that whatever do, you make the best move for the child and for yourself with no regard to your friend. And in my opinion, that would be cutting her off entirely and reporting her to child protection. Unfortunately that may have to be her wake-up call. And if not, she doesn't deserve the child.
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A lot of people are saying that, and I get it but it's so hard. Although she doesn't confide in me like before she still comes to me for help and I'm always willing to help. It's just her behaviors seem to fix and then she gets "new friends" and then they encourage her self destructive behaviors. It's almost like all the progress we've made, for lack of better words, get ruined the minute she gets bored and then she's back to asking for a ride to the doctor or pharmacy.
I understand why you're having such a hard time doing this. You've known for a long time. So maybe you want to try threatening to report her to child protection if she doesn't get her sh*t together before you actually do it? Though I'm not sure even that would work any more than temporarily, if at all. But think about it. If so many people can agree on this, there's probably a very good reason why. This isn't for yourself and it isn't for her; this is for the child who is currently being raised in a toxic environment. And the sooner it gets resolved, the better.
There's something else I'd like to add. It's a story of a recent experience where I risked something I had to do what I thought was right, but I'd rather private message it to you if you want to hear it.
Well it's normal you are bothered by her behavior. I think it's not so much the slutiness that bothers you, it's that she can't admit her slutiness is the cause of her problems. she won't get a good quality man unless she becomes a good quality woman. good quality men don't want a slut, cheater, they want a faithful girl. the advice you give her is legit, but she is too immature to accept it. she must be a real narcissist, she thinks nothing is wrong with her, just the people around her are responsible for her problems. people like that won't change, because in order for them to change they first need to accept they are the ones causing the problems. which probably will never happen. so you have two choices, either accept her as a flawed human being that she is, because stressing, hating and worrying will get you nowhere. or if you can't stop doing that, just distance yourself from her so she won't affect you negatively. its like you said, you have nothing in common and she just brings negativity in your life, so let her go. you need good friends in your life that improve it, not stress you out
your worry for her and advice come from a good place. ignore all those who say it's none of your business and you should just not pay attention. you've been friends since childhood so its natural to be worried and want the best for her and her daughter.
Ok, first quality men doesn't mean they won't like a girl who party. I agree most men you meet at parties want a more casual thing, but that doesn't mean either the girls or the men at the party are not quality, that is a little too judgmental. Now, about the rest I agree, she seems to have issues and maybe needs to talk to someone, seems like she is filling a hole in her life with party and meaningless sex. Or maybe she just needs to find a guy who really sweeps her off her feet. i'm sorry but if you two don't have anything in common maybe you are just becoming a toxic friendship. You clearly won't be able to give her the help she needs and she is providing nothing to you other and making you umcomfortable. So take a little distance for a while. Tell her you will be taking distance because you feel she is goind down a very bad path but she just won't listen to you so this is the only thing left. Maybe that will wake her up, and if it doesn't then there wasn't anything else you could have done.
I dealt with a similar situation. This friend of mine always liked to date a lot of guys. The problem was not that she went from a man to another in a flash, but mainly that she used to play with their feelings. She pretend to be that innocent, sweet, little girl, but in reality she was practically a black widow. I always tried to help her, to show her another way, to advice her, but deep inside she probably didn't like the advice I gave her, because I was trying to restrict her. In the end she turned against me, said some nasty things behind my back and I decided I didn't need toxic people like her in my life. Our situations may be similar but they are not the same. What I want to say is that you cannot change someone if they don't want to do so themselves. That's what I've learnt. The only thing you can do at this point is standing by her side and try to be the beacon in the storm.
Well honestly you both seem to have different lifestyles. Look, now you guys could just very well find different things to talk about. Just tell her that hey, there are certain parts of your life that I'm not comfortable with. I accept you for who you are and you accept me, but I just believe that our lifestyles are pretty different. Just talk about something else. For all you know, she might not like your lifestyle. Empathetize. Put yourself in her shoes. Be there for her when she needs you and she'll do the same. But don't judge someone based on their lifestyle. It's really easy to do so. For all you know, in the next ten years, prim and proper, housemakers might be judged, harshly and her lifestyle appreciated. And so, it's all about acceptance. You don't have to be party to it, but you can definitely accept the way she is.
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We do talk a lot about different things. It's not like our friendship just consists of me judging her. She doesn't care about my sex life or lack of. We are there for each other. It's not easy to not judge. Otherwise I wouldn't ask this. What kinda example is she leaving for her daughter? Drinking smoking and partying every weekend? Having different men every few months? Being unfaithful in every relationship? It just seems toxic for an adult, let alone a child.
I understand, but again it's her life. I probably wouldn't live by it, and you won't either. But maybe she's letting something out. Not everyone can be strong and we can't blame her for that now can we? She might be a bad mother, and that's pretty sad, but maybe she might treat her daughter right too. You mentioned that she doesn't confide in you much, maybe she's going through something. And well honestly just cause it's hard to not judge someone doesn't mean that you can't do it. Just cause something is hard doesn't mean that we stop doing it right? Maybe be the aunt figure in her life? There are quite a few things that you could try if you're worried about her child in particular.
What's the point in having a friend that you constantly criticize for how they are? And I'm not emphasizing on the fact that you criticize someone. It's just that if you totally disapprove how and what somebody has become, you're no longer obligated in any way to be friends with them. It's like being friends with someone you don't like. What's the point? You can and should speak honestly and say out loud if somebody screws something up, but for crying out loud... this is extreme. Just... seriously, honestly speaking, she has a kid. She acts like a slut and blames other people for her mistakes (how uncommon!), yet decides to do nothing to change that (even more rare!). Even having an offspring didn't change her behavior. And she's the one talking about immaturity, oh the irony. On top of that she's a single woman with a child (sorry, couldn't force myself to write "mother") so something must've gone terribly wrong if she ended up like that, yet it looks like she didn't feel obliged to adapt to the new situation and carries on like nothing happened. I am sorry, but that woman is a trash and you're acting like a social welfare person in a drug addict community. The difference being that they're getting paid for swimming in the cesspool while you're not. Make some space, let her be. If people will leave her, she might be forced to do something, otherwise nothing will change.
Good on you for trying to look out for her. I gone through the same thing for a "friend" of mine. Except that he isn't "smutty" (or the male equivalent), but he has behaviour issue and he is a register sex offender. I'm the only one that is willing to lend him a hand and he took it all for granted. Make every worse decision at every opportunity and screw himself up. In the end I said I'm not going to bother waste any more time with him. To be honest I don't see myself as his friend. Just someone giving him a chance and trying to help him. But no. He wasted all my effort and time. I personally don't like hanging out with people who are out right a fool and like to make themselves a mess. I don't hate them, but I wouldn't want to be friends with them. What I think you can do is that if you decide to stick with her and try to help her, expect the worse of worse, that she turns on you for being good. Sometimes that is just what you get for being good. And that's not your fault. You'd just have to move on, and stay being good.
I unfortunately am in the same position as you but it's worse because it's my own sister, who is blood related to me. Her lifestyle choices are horrible and she has a son who runs over her and gets whatever he wants. Due to her being much different than I, she doesn't talk to me everyday like she used to. We used to be close and best friends but then she changed; she now parties every weekend and cheated on her fiance. The more I realize that maybe it is better off this way, the easier it is.
So, you just have to wake up and realize things are different now. Not easy... oh I know...
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Thank you for your response. I just feel like I wish things were before she had this life. I still love her and will always be there for her but I just don't like these choices. It's really hard watching someone fall. Especially someone you love.
Nothing out of the ordinary from your end of this relationship, keep doing what you do as long as she keeps doing what she does. You obviously care for her, that's why her behavior bothers you. Maybe that's who she's, maybe part of her hates it. You shouldn't feel bad for judging her because it's not actually the kind of judgement that society now hate, it's based on many facts not just by a stereotype or a single behavior. Maybe she'll grow out of it, maybe she won't that's shouldn't really concern you so much. You just need to keep being the good friend you are, until her negative behavior directly affects you, then you should take a stand, maybe do an intervention or break it all off with her. Otherwise you have nothing to worry about.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
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I know you're childhood friends and when you say you will always be there for her, it's because you consider her practically like family. However, I think your relationship is doomed because you've very different morals and value different things. You probably have different IQ too.
I'm pretty sure your friend comes to you when she's in trouble, but secretly or not so secretly thinks you're the party pooper. Commonplace.
You didn't mention it, but I think things would also change when YOU yourself find someone decent who doesn't understand your friendship with someone like that. And if you're worried about her influencing her own daughter, will you let her become an example for your own children? Some behaviours reveal more than "just being young".
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Opinion Owner
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I will add that I've relatives that I don't cut out of my life simply because they're family. I will be there for them in case of need, but I don't respect them nor how they live their lives (running away from responsibilities, not that it's my business), I do not confide in them and I don't expect anything from them.
Honestly, you have two options, accept her lover her and be there for her Or walk away and distance yourself from her I think you want to be in her life, the thing is, we can't control what others do or judge them by how we act or what our preferences are, the fact is we are all entirely different people, with different views and opinions All you can do is accept her as she is, don't try to control or change her, don't feel she should act a certain way... do try advise her to be safe and do love her as she is xx
To you for sure it's not that simple as let her live her life. But really, there isn't much you can do to influence her to change if she really doesn't want to. Something shocking or dramatic or critical or what have you has to happen to her, because of her lifestyle choice right now, for her to wake up and get her head on straight. Because, right now, she doesn't or doesn't want to see the dangers or issues her lifestyle has the potential of having. And since you're so close to her and her family and she isn't listening to you, it will be her that will only listen to her, sorry to say. But you're still being a good friend to her and just keep doing what you're doing.
It's good you recognize the level of judgement you have against her, but speaking the friend who was ambushed by my other friends because they felt like my behavior was too provocative... its not your place to fix what you feel is wrong with her. I get that her behavior bothers you, so since it does, dont spend as much time with her. It's not fair to her to hear your judgements about her lifestyle. She will figure it out one day, it's not your place to make it happen, its hers. You've made your concerns known, not much else to do but limit your exposure to her... you're not doing either of you any favors by doing that.
Being childhood friends doesn't mean you have to stay friends. Maybe you've grown apart? She's turned into someone now that is not the type of friend you want maybe? But you have to "detach". If you find yourself "judging" or thinking about anything to do with her that isn't any of your business, catch yourself and stop the thinking. Think about something else, something to do with YOU, not her. Live and let be in other words. You have no control over her life, so why think about it? If she's not the type of person you want as a friend, that's different.
I had a childhood friend also, and while I still consider him a friend, we have "grown apart" as in we are different people now. So while I still consider him a friend, I don't hang around him as much, or share certain things with him. I've accepted him the way he is and that he's this type of friend to me, and I expect nothing more. I hope that makes sense? lol Hard to explain what I'm trying to say.
She is making bad choices and she will suffer the consequences. You were just trying to give her advice to help her. You can only offer someone advice, whether they choose to take it or not is up to them.
She parties and is promiscuous and already has a kid. It is already very doubtful that she will ever have a good mate/SO because of her past.
Don't waste your time and energy on her. I know it sucks to see someone you were friends with as a kid end up that way, but not everyone will turn out good. If you have other friends maybe try spending more time with them instead.
i am sure there is a reason she is acting this way and so you shouldn't judge her because she will never open up and let you help her figure the reason out. i had a couple friends like that and i was like you and i realized that though i was giving good advice and i wanted them to be happier they felt judged and misunderstood and once i took time to judge them less they gradually opened up to me and i helped them work through emotional things that caused the behavior and that's when it actually started to change.
Hate to sound blunt but reality of it is she is going to do what she wants to do , I agree that her behavior is immature and pathetic but some people just choose to make bad choices and that's the way they choose to live , as a friend all you can do is keep doing what you are doing by telling her it's the wrong thing to do , what's most important is if it is effecting you then you have the right to walk away from the friendship if her actions are making you sick then you're best to just keep your distance and let her hit rock bottom on her own and not bring you down with her , it's ok to remove toxic friends from your life , then when she comes crawling back to you saying you were right the whole time it's up to you if u want her to be part of your life or not but dont beat yourself up over it
Also the fact she is sleeping around all she is doing is setting herself up for disaster , she is most likely going to end up with an STD and when she comes crying to you just say who's fault is that? If I was you I would remove her from my life and find friends that aren't going down a shitty road , you did all you could do as being a friend
Get off your high horse for one second, and look at things from her perspective. If someone hated your behavior and was always telling you that, how would you feel? You really can't do anything to change her, because people only change when they want to. So you're going to have to learn how to let it go and let her bump her head against the wall, it's the only way people learn. Also if you're so worried about her daughter then make sure that you set a good example for her and you teach her better that her mother has done. Parents aren't the ones to give you life, parents are the ones who raise you. With that being said I think you know what you have to do. Best of luck!
Well haven't you thought that her actions are response to pain? Its realy easy to go to parties, get drunk and sleep around. When ur hurt. It may be something so simple for you, but for her it canbe whole world. I would say insted of shaming her, what makes problem even worst. Help her. Take her to ballrom dancing classes, to social events not parties. Show her there's world outside of drinking and parties. Alter all you can only show her a way, rest of way she needs to go by herself. Be friend who pushes her foward not keeps at one place. And bouth of you have fun while doing it ;)
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I know what she's been through, and most of it is because of her own actions. I have tried to take her to other places. But she always says things like "this will be fun if I were high". It's almost like she can't function without weed. When she quits she gets better but then she hangs out with her party friends and all the progress we've made, for lack of better words, is ruined and she reverts back to her party girl life. But she does come to me when she needs help. Taking her to the doctor, help with homework when she's in school, quitting drugs when she needs to find a job, and other stuff.
At the end we hurt ourselfs, by our actions the most. So just keep taking her to other events, if possible events where there are no drugs and alcahol. It won't happen over night nor over month, it can take years to change. One possible way is to give her hobby who is different that her. For me it was japanese language. And trust me im not good at them. Maybe there is something like that for her to. A place where to drown toughts ;)
let her sleep around and learn it the hard way. no use talking her or convincing her. until she either catches some venereal disease or end up with an obsessive crazy abusive partner that abuses her, then harsh reality will finally kick in. and if that's not enough to convince her that she's having self-destructive behavior, then she won't learn anything at all. she better be careful that the person she cheats on isn't the crazy obsessive type where if he can't have her, then no one else will. it would just be better altogether if she stuck with one night stands or maybe even friends with benefits type of relationships which aren't the legit and serious ones.
Girl, i understand your position, all to well unfortunately. From what i have learned in my experience, you can't stop judging her not just because she is your friend (well it's also that) but because of your standards/ideals on how you see life situations or because you are subconsciously envious/jealous of her. So, it's basically up to you to stop and think what makes you to judge her and just accept your friend how she is and understand that she may never see your viewpoint. Until, she's ready to face the reality of her situation.
Like talking to a wall eh? Be lucky you're a woman, a man would get absolutely destroyed telling some THOT to stop being one if she wants her shitty life to improve. I know I stopped giving advice to girls your age. Not like women don't have a million safety nets to fall back on. Compared to the consequences that society protects her from 'not finding a good man' seems rather silly, but to her, it's probably the 'worst thing evarrrrrrr!"
Evaluate your friendship with this person. Hell, do you even like this person? Sounds like a no brainer to me but... i'm an A-hole so...
i understand you deeply but unfortunazely u cannot change another person to act like a responsible adult..
the mass media yells at everyone you should use your looks and freedom to live a full life, even if that means get scrwd in the younger years and then left alone for the rest of ur life. this requires long term thinking, while benefits are all short termed. not mentioning that she ruins an inmocent life completely and unreversably. but media tells "being a single mum rules". yep, if they would sacrifice their life trying to fulfill the two parents roles their life would be completely different, but there's no push to do so. very common and deeply sad phenomenon.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
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I don't think is terrible to "judge" if you're trying to help her. Sometimes, people go around talking about their problem to everyone except the one they have a problem with and at the end of the day, they've still got a problem. You seem a good friend to me. Considering everything you said, if trying getting to the root of the problem. This will be something you can more easily since you've known her so long and she seems to view you as an older sister or even mother figure who she respects despite your differnces. Generally, a kid makes you slow down but something is making her push forward. You're being a good friend on my opinion.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I personally would not be her friend... she sounds like more trouble than she's worth but I understand how hard it is leaving a toxic long lasting friendship. I suggest distancing yourself from her... she sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and honestly will just bring you down. If you're afraid for her child which... it sounds like you should be... I would call social services. Getting her child taken away or even just the threat of it might be the thing to wake her up and clean up her act. You and especially her child deserve better
Why shouldn't you judge her? She's acting like an idiot, making all kinds of stupid choices while she calls the guys SHE CHOOSES immature. That's like the pot calling the kettle black. Everybody judges - if she cheats on partners then she is a scumbag.
Yeah I can't stand this Millennial era belief of "don't judge others" when it is perfectly fine to do so (such as cheating hoes, slutty behavior, et cetera) .
Neither can I. Any form of judging or shaming is seen as a bad thing, but some behaviours should be judged and shamed. I mean arguing that somebody who cheats on every partner they have shouldn't be judged or shamed? I can't understand that.
@InTimoreDei it's my friend of many years. I understand what you both are saying, she's still a nice person to me. I just feel that she's falling hard and I thought with her daughter she'd pick herself up and fix her life but she is still falling just faster now.
I have a “slutty” friend, to not judge her isn’t that hard for me because I know what other people do with their lives have little to nothing to do with me. I also know that there is a stigma attached to a woman seeing many men, and deep down I know regardless of people wanting to shame women because of their decisions, at the end of the day, they’re two consenting adults and whatever they do is none of our business.
Maybe find compasion and empathy, you won't get that if you judge. Try to understand why she always needs a man, maybe she's lonely, maybe she has low self esteem, maybe she's a sex addict. Ask her when she's in her next relationship if its healthy and why she's doing it. Dont try, to judge, as much as help give guidence through her struggles
First of all judging is a choice. So how do you stop? You just stop. Don't allow yourself those thoughts. If that doesn't help you need to realize that people are free to make their own choices and mistakes. You don't have to enable her but loving someone means loving them despite the things you don't agree with.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
You know it’s funny. Feminists have been blaming and shaming men who use the words “slut” and “whore” but in reality it’s OTHER women who shame each other way more often than guys judge. This is proof.
You feel a sense of loyalty towards your friend and sympathy for her daughter. But it’s her job to control her life and be a mother, not yours.
You got to look her in the eye at some point when she’s dead sober and say you love her as a friend. However you can’t be a companion to somebody who continually makes bad choices. It’s not who you want in your circle of friends. If that’s too difficult just slowly move away from her. The caring part of you will feel guilty. But she’s a full grown women.
Oh I bet she is bisexual too huh?
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I never called her a slut. I said she has slutty behaviors. And many men have called her that word.
I know it's not my job, I get that. But it's still a bad example for her daughter.
They say birds of a feather flock together.. you should reevaluate your friendship. What value does she bring to your relationship? Seems like you're the one always trying to help her out. Sometimes you can't save them all. I understand she's been your friend for a long time but I, like you had to distance myself from friends like that because it's not what I'm about & I didn't want to be associated with such.
I don’t think it’s okay to judge her for what she does because it’s her body. As long as she takes care of her child that’s all that matters. But if she bothers you THAT much, cut her loose. You aren’t gaining anything from being around someone who don’t like.
Well since you obviously said you love her as a friend you shouldn't be judging her and the are reason you are is because you'd just my wanna take that dive wants and funk a bunch of guys are giving blow jobs and never do it again come and get it out of your system so by you judging her it sounds like in your mind it talk you out of having a Slut's night out
If she dressed up and deleted those pics she would still have the same reputation as before. If she moved , deleted the pictures , dressed and behaved like a lady she will attract mature men who have standards , this picture just give the message of smash and dash... And she is pretty thats for sure , but beauty comes and goes , and when she loses her physical appearance , then she is apsolutely screwed.
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My friend is pretty, but that isn't her. I just used this pic because it was similar to how she poses.
Well people should learn on their own mistakes , take her out at a fancy plave wjere is strict dress code , if someone approaches her there she'll see the diff betwen fuckboys and mature men.
She's a grown up, so you can't make decisions in her behalf, no matter how much you want to help her. You're doing what a good friend does: giving good advice. If she doesn't want to listen to you, it's her problem. Unfortunately, when people don't listen, they have to learn the hard way. That's the most effective way.
So... you don’t agree with her viewpoints, you don’t have anything in common and she doesn’t confide in you (aka she doesn’t see you as a close friend). And then you think she’s slutty (based off similar picture) because she pokes her tongue out? Nothing about the semi nude person in the background.
Be there for her, but down try to run her life. If she asks a question, she should be willing to accept answer, regardless of its agreement with her way of thinking. Be honest, but speak the truth with love. Though all this, also remember to guard your OWN heart so that you can continue to be YOUR own person. You and your friend are in my prayers.
good advice. if her friend asks a question, she should expect an honest answer, even if its not what she wants to hear. but the answer should be given with love and not judgement.
She doesn’t live your life, you don’t live hers. Let her be and do as she pleases. Unless it affects you directly (say she makes a run at your husband or boyfriend), her choices are hers to make. She hasn’t changed because of your talks, and isn’t going to. You’re her friend, not her keeper.
1
0 Reply
Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
My advice is don't a good freind it honest and tells the truth and being a slut is not to healthy for her or her daughter. She needs to hear it and be reminded of it even though she does not like it.
Other wise it will be so easy for her to lose herself to it.
I once had a slutty best friend, and I frown on promiscuity as well (from either genders, not just women.) In the end, we were no longer friends. (She was a shitty friend, which was a big factor).
She is clearly happy with the lifestyle she has, and has no intentions of changing it. Though you have offered your advice and been straight with her, she refuses to listen.
If you can’t stand it anymore then keep your distance. Simple.
people like that dont change, you did your job and gave her advice over and over, now its her turn to actually do something about it, I know women like her, they are in their 50s and still cheat and have 3somes, some people are simply like that and refuse to change, she will at some point understand that she lost her shot at finding a quality kind to be by her side, but then again you did your job by telling her.
She's a cheater... why wouldn't she deserve to be judged? When you hurt other people just for your own pleasure, then you cannot complain when people shame you for it. She doesn't want to limit her sex life to just one person? Then either don't get a relationship or go for someone who wants an open relationship in that case.
I mean, why do you need to stop judging her? You're judgements seem good to me, and her daughter and herself would probably be better off if she followed your advice.
I'd be more concerned about how this bad person would affect you.
You two are different people. Go find some new friends.
It's her life, she can do what she wants. Stop caring about her life and focus on improving yours. You sound jealous that she's getting action and you're not.
0
1 Reply
Asker
+1 y
Not jealous. I'm in a relationship and get plenty of safe action. I care about her life because she's my friend. We've been friends for a long time. I'm there for her when she needs me. I'm there when her daughter needs me. I don't like how her negative choices also affect her daughter
treat others as you would want o be treated.. If you were in a situation like your friend, would you want to be shamed and judged for doing your thing? Its also disrespectful to her, do you want people to disrespect you for what you do? Have basic respect for everyone regardless of who they are and what they can do for you.. Is the judgment hateful? Find out what is hateful to others, then dont do that.
she is not shaming her, she is worried. this friend of hers is having a lot of problems due to her slutty behavior. so as a friend she is giving advice. that is not disrespectful. if the friend does not want the advice, she should not ask for it.
@Porcelaine I understand, Sorry.. Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink it.. Your friend will not do what she doesn't want to do. just be there when needed.
Then stop being her "friend"? You clearly dont like her, lol. My best friend did all sorts of things I would never do, but it never bothered me. I loved her as a person abus she was mot best friend who i always enjoyed spending time with. She knew I didn't party or sleep around so we just didn't do that when hanging out.
I do like her. It's not like our friendship consists of her running to me for help and then me giving advice. I don't agree with her actions that is all.
There could be many reasons why she acts the way she does maybe she is coping with something or just doesn't know how else to get the attention she wants or numb whatever it is hurting her. My only advice is to support her 100% but also give her positive input instead of criticisms eventually she will see the need for a change and realize she is the only one who can make her happy before anyone else can
Unfortunately, if you push it on her she'll just push you away. The best thing to do is just continue to be a friend. You can also very subtly not hangout with her as much & should she ask, you can say what you need to. GOOD LUCK...😊😎
She has issues that are probably much deeper than her behavior. She's looking for attention that possibly is a result of Daddy issues. If she truly wants your help, take her to a behavioral specialist.
It's okay you don't like her behavior.. I wouldn't like that either
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0 Reply
Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
Keep trying to convince her to stop being slutty for the sake of her and her child’s life. Tell her to find a man that’s not from a party. If she still doesn’t stop, u should stop being friends with her cuz there’s nothing u could do to stop her from being slutty
Or that she ever ask for your advice or you just give it anyway and part of that it sounds like you're jealous that she can do what she does and you're not being able to do it wild and free and you are like stuck at home
0
2 Reply
Asker
+1 y
She asks me for help. It's not unsolicited advice. I'm not jealous, I just don't like it. I'm not stuck at home, I like being at home with my boyfriend. She'd be more "stuck" because she has a child, I don't. She has to convince her mom or the child's father to babysit in order to continue partying every weekend, I don't. It makes it worse because her actions not only negatively affect her but her daughter as well. That's part of why it bothers me a lot.
You're a crappy friend because you judge her promiscuity. Enjoying and having casual sex isn't a problem. If that's something you can't get over then that's a YOU problem and may mean you're not prepared to be her friend. Now having problem with how she treats other (such as her partners and daughter) is much more reasonable. Once again if it's a big problem then you need to stop being her friend.
@Anon-ymous1 why can't a mom have multiple sexual partners. Having a baby doesn't mean you're suddenly void of attraction/attractiveness. I find it crazy how people think having sex with one partner 50 times is somehow better than having sex with 50 different people once. It's still sex. Smoking pot/cigs isn't really bad as long as it's not around the kid. There are lots of people who smoke and take care of children fine. Does this mom have problems? Yes. But with who and how much sex someone has is none of our business.
@Anon-ymous1 why would she have to keep her axe life private? Especially to someone who is her friend? My friends tell me about their sex life but I dont care because it's not my body. Worrying about what others do sexually is weird and kinda gross.
Sex with 50 people and sex 50 times with one person isn't the same as 50 different people is more risks of STDs and creating other fatherless children. Smoking is affecting her parenting as she is poor, I am too but I don't money on partying and I don't have a child that depends on my income. Income that is being wasted on drugs and alcohol while my daughter asks for dance classes that I say I can't afford but then waste that same amount at least once every other month. And I care because these choices are negatively affecting her and her child's life. Not being able to remain faithful but demanding a man who is is leading to her continue being single and sexually loose.
Well if she's practicing safe sex then what's the problem? Also lots of people contract STDs from their long term partners because they stop practicing safe sex. Safe sex and monogamous sex aren't the same thing. "Now having problem with how she treats other (such as her partners and daughter) is much more reasonable" this is me quoting me. I smoking is fine, as long as it doesn't negatively affect her kid. Of it's not affecting her kid then it doesn't really matter if she does it.
I'll say "don't judge her" but, as you say she has a child, and her choices affects her child. Stay by her side, I'm sure some day she will rethink about her lifestyle and will focus more, and that will be thanks to you. And, of course, if that doesn't happens, if it starts to be a headache for you, rethink about your friendship.
0
0 Reply
Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
sounds like a women who thinks she is better then everyone
she needs a beating ill put her in place just tell me where she lives
TLDR but overall it seems like the best you can do is share your concerns and leave it at that. Respect that its her life and she'll do what she wants. Maybe she just needs to learn from expeirence and thats ok.
It's ok to judge her. Cheating is wrong. I also think that maybe that careless lifestyle fits for her. Some decent guys might have that same attitude for life, so maybe she'll find someone.
2
7 Reply
Asker
+1 y
But I want to stop judging her. It makes her feel bad and more distant because she doesn't like the advice I give. I just feel bad because I want it to be like before, when we were young and she wasn't acting slutty and irresponsible. My other friend doesn't judge her as much as I do and she knows what she does too. I want to be more like that friend.
The cheating I'll never agree with but the sleeping around I want to stop feeling like she's a bad person for doing it. Cheating is wrong. Is sleeping around wrong? I've always felt that sex should be reserved for relationships and I know not everyone agrees but I just can't help but judge those who are promiscuous.
She loves sex. Okay. But she also has a daughter that is going to be a teen soon. I feel bad that this is the example she's giving her. It wouldn't bother me so much if she didn't have a daughter.
He does help. He's honestly a great father from what I've seen. But he only has custody of her on some weekends. She's with my friend most of the time.
Just dont bother! Being judgement is okay, it just means their ideals, ethics n morals just dont match with yours! Remove them from your life if you can't accept them
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