I really need help because I have this friend who I've been friends with a long time. I love her, and I'm always there if she needs me. However, I can't help but feel bad at how much I judge her. She judges other people too, but not so much me. It's not like I talk behind her back, I tell her to her face that her behaviors bother me. I don't like sluttiness and I don't like cheaters. She has many partners and she has never been faithful in a relationship. I've told her many times that she should reconsider her life choices. She also loves to smoke, party, drink and she's a single mother. She told me how hard it's been for her to date and the men she finds are "immature", I told her that she should stop partying because she won't find quality men there, and also quality men don't like party girls, and she seemed bothered by that advice. Also to consider dating only one person at a time, but she didn't like that either. She likes to post pictures of herself that are very provocative and suggestive like bending over, sticking her tongue out, and it bothers me, but I haven't mentioned it.
She doesn't confide in me as much and I know it's because she hates the advice I've always given her. I feel like we have very little in common, she probably wouldn't be my friend if we weren't childhood friends. I have always shunned promiscuity and I don't like cheaters and she seems to continue doing both. I guess I thought by our age now especially since she has a daughter, she'd outgrow that phase but it gets worse every year. This isn't her but she posts similar pictures.
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People seem to ignore a few things, I've always been there for her and her daughter and always will. She comes to me for help, it's not unsolicited advice. She also has a daughter and I fear this is a bad example. Her life choices affect her child as well, it's not as easy as "her life so accept it".
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This picture is not her, I just used it as an example of the type of poses and provocative pictures she posts. I'm not jealous either, I just don't agree with irresponsible sex and cheating. It doesn't mean I want to have sex with Random people or cheat. Just like not agreeing with killing innocent people doesn't mean I secretly want to murder innocent people and I'm jealous of inmates on death row who have.
You don't. There is a reason why such acts of behaviour are seen as negative by people. The question is not how you stop judging her. The question is, if you can handle her as a friend despite that very obvious flaw and the chance it also potentially backfiring at you, or not.
About promiscuity: Promiscuous people have been linked again and again to... ... mental instability and higher rates of mental illness ... higher rates of STDs (It's a numbers game) ... be more likely to be a single parent (numbers game) ... have higher rates of abortion (numbers game) ... have less stable relationships and higher divorce rates ... have increased chances of having been in an abusive relationship ... be more likely to cheat ... be more likely to become addicted ... be more likely to come out of a broken household.
www.ideals.illinois.edu/.../Saroj_Hardit.pdf -> Promiscuity is linked to sexual aggression. -> Page 59. "The number of sexual partners was positively related to parental violence." -> Page 70. "As the number of sexual partners increased, so did the propensity to sexually aggression."
http://www.bradley.edu/dotAsset/165862.pdf -> Page 4. "Perhaps the strongest personality correlate of risky sexual behaviour is impulsive sensation-seeking" -> Page 8. Promiscuous people are more likely to be impulsive, have low agreeableness, low conscientiousness, sensation-seeking and a higher level of sexual infidelity. -> Page 14. "People who describe themselves as more unfaithful tend to have personality traits linked to a lack of trust and empathy (i. e. low agreeableness)"
www.sociopathicstyle.com/psychopathic-traits/ -> Point 11. Promiscuity is a common symptom of psychopathy. Goes hand in hand with the other study mentioning impulsiveness as it shows it here on point 14.
ink.library.smu.edu.sg/.../viewcontent.cgi -> Page 8. Higher amount of sexual partners is directly linked to higher degrees of psychopathy, narcissism, machiavellianism and an increase of any combination of those 3.
To put it into my own words: I think promiscuity is a symptom of mental instability and is a way of self-destructive behaviour, just like i. e. Obesity (not physical-health induced obesity). It's a huge red flag objectively, biologically and evolutionary for anyone who wants a comitted and successful relationship, but also can be for friendship. Thus there is no logical argument to me that promiscuity is in any way to be seen as positive
I can sort of relate to this. Like you, I also had a close childhood friend who makes questionable life choices. And like you, I do always find myself judging him harshly. He's a goddamn Chad and he pisses me off. If it weren't for the fact that his entire family and my entire family are close friends, I'd cut him off entirely without looking back, regardless of how close we used to be. Now as for the single mother part, I hate to say this, but for the child's sake, perhaps you should report her to child protection because it sounds to me like she's not fit to be a role model. I have a cousin who is like this, except the being single and cheating part. She was addicted to her partying abd drinking, she stole jewlery from my grandmother for drug money, and she scolded my mom and aunt on social media after they dropped everything to help her with her baby. She's even been in jail! Ultimately, and thankfully, she snd her boyfriend (who also wasn't so great) both lost custody of the child and she's now being raised by someone on his side of the family with a full restraining order from her. I'm happy for the child because she deserves better than my sh*tty cousin (and I hate to say that about family, but sadly it's true) and I don't speak to this cousin at all anymore. So ultimately I just ask that whatever do, you make the best move for the child and for yourself with no regard to your friend. And in my opinion, that would be cutting her off entirely and reporting her to child protection. Unfortunately that may have to be her wake-up call. And if not, she doesn't deserve the child.
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A lot of people are saying that, and I get it but it's so hard. Although she doesn't confide in me like before she still comes to me for help and I'm always willing to help. It's just her behaviors seem to fix and then she gets "new friends" and then they encourage her self destructive behaviors. It's almost like all the progress we've made, for lack of better words, get ruined the minute she gets bored and then she's back to asking for a ride to the doctor or pharmacy.
I understand why you're having such a hard time doing this. You've known for a long time. So maybe you want to try threatening to report her to child protection if she doesn't get her sh*t together before you actually do it? Though I'm not sure even that would work any more than temporarily, if at all. But think about it. If so many people can agree on this, there's probably a very good reason why. This isn't for yourself and it isn't for her; this is for the child who is currently being raised in a toxic environment. And the sooner it gets resolved, the better.
There's something else I'd like to add. It's a story of a recent experience where I risked something I had to do what I thought was right, but I'd rather private message it to you if you want to hear it.
Well it's normal you are bothered by her behavior. I think it's not so much the slutiness that bothers you, it's that she can't admit her slutiness is the cause of her problems. she won't get a good quality man unless she becomes a good quality woman. good quality men don't want a slut, cheater, they want a faithful girl. the advice you give her is legit, but she is too immature to accept it. she must be a real narcissist, she thinks nothing is wrong with her, just the people around her are responsible for her problems. people like that won't change, because in order for them to change they first need to accept they are the ones causing the problems. which probably will never happen. so you have two choices, either accept her as a flawed human being that she is, because stressing, hating and worrying will get you nowhere. or if you can't stop doing that, just distance yourself from her so she won't affect you negatively. its like you said, you have nothing in common and she just brings negativity in your life, so let her go. you need good friends in your life that improve it, not stress you out
your worry for her and advice come from a good place. ignore all those who say it's none of your business and you should just not pay attention. you've been friends since childhood so its natural to be worried and want the best for her and her daughter.
Ok, first quality men doesn't mean they won't like a girl who party. I agree most men you meet at parties want a more casual thing, but that doesn't mean either the girls or the men at the party are not quality, that is a little too judgmental. Now, about the rest I agree, she seems to have issues and maybe needs to talk to someone, seems like she is filling a hole in her life with party and meaningless sex. Or maybe she just needs to find a guy who really sweeps her off her feet. i'm sorry but if you two don't have anything in common maybe you are just becoming a toxic friendship. You clearly won't be able to give her the help she needs and she is providing nothing to you other and making you umcomfortable. So take a little distance for a while. Tell her you will be taking distance because you feel she is goind down a very bad path but she just won't listen to you so this is the only thing left. Maybe that will wake her up, and if it doesn't then there wasn't anything else you could have done.
I dealt with a similar situation. This friend of mine always liked to date a lot of guys. The problem was not that she went from a man to another in a flash, but mainly that she used to play with their feelings. She pretend to be that innocent, sweet, little girl, but in reality she was practically a black widow. I always tried to help her, to show her another way, to advice her, but deep inside she probably didn't like the advice I gave her, because I was trying to restrict her. In the end she turned against me, said some nasty things behind my back and I decided I didn't need toxic people like her in my life. Our situations may be similar but they are not the same. What I want to say is that you cannot change someone if they don't want to do so themselves. That's what I've learnt. The only thing you can do at this point is standing by her side and try to be the beacon in the storm.
Well honestly you both seem to have different lifestyles. Look, now you guys could just very well find different things to talk about. Just tell her that hey, there are certain parts of your life that I'm not comfortable with. I accept you for who you are and you accept me, but I just believe that our lifestyles are pretty different. Just talk about something else. For all you know, she might not like your lifestyle. Empathetize. Put yourself in her shoes. Be there for her when she needs you and she'll do the same. But don't judge someone based on their lifestyle. It's really easy to do so. For all you know, in the next ten years, prim and proper, housemakers might be judged, harshly and her lifestyle appreciated. And so, it's all about acceptance. You don't have to be party to it, but you can definitely accept the way she is.
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We do talk a lot about different things. It's not like our friendship just consists of me judging her. She doesn't care about my sex life or lack of. We are there for each other. It's not easy to not judge. Otherwise I wouldn't ask this. What kinda example is she leaving for her daughter? Drinking smoking and partying every weekend? Having different men every few months? Being unfaithful in every relationship? It just seems toxic for an adult, let alone a child.
I understand, but again it's her life. I probably wouldn't live by it, and you won't either. But maybe she's letting something out. Not everyone can be strong and we can't blame her for that now can we? She might be a bad mother, and that's pretty sad, but maybe she might treat her daughter right too. You mentioned that she doesn't confide in you much, maybe she's going through something. And well honestly just cause it's hard to not judge someone doesn't mean that you can't do it. Just cause something is hard doesn't mean that we stop doing it right? Maybe be the aunt figure in her life? There are quite a few things that you could try if you're worried about her child in particular.
What's the point in having a friend that you constantly criticize for how they are? And I'm not emphasizing on the fact that you criticize someone. It's just that if you totally disapprove how and what somebody has become, you're no longer obligated in any way to be friends with them. It's like being friends with someone you don't like. What's the point? You can and should speak honestly and say out loud if somebody screws something up, but for crying out loud... this is extreme. Just... seriously, honestly speaking, she has a kid. She acts like a slut and blames other people for her mistakes (how uncommon!), yet decides to do nothing to change that (even more rare!). Even having an offspring didn't change her behavior. And she's the one talking about immaturity, oh the irony. On top of that she's a single woman with a child (sorry, couldn't force myself to write "mother") so something must've gone terribly wrong if she ended up like that, yet it looks like she didn't feel obliged to adapt to the new situation and carries on like nothing happened. I am sorry, but that woman is a trash and you're acting like a social welfare person in a drug addict community. The difference being that they're getting paid for swimming in the cesspool while you're not. Make some space, let her be. If people will leave her, she might be forced to do something, otherwise nothing will change.
Good on you for trying to look out for her. I gone through the same thing for a "friend" of mine. Except that he isn't "smutty" (or the male equivalent), but he has behaviour issue and he is a register sex offender. I'm the only one that is willing to lend him a hand and he took it all for granted. Make every worse decision at every opportunity and screw himself up. In the end I said I'm not going to bother waste any more time with him. To be honest I don't see myself as his friend. Just someone giving him a chance and trying to help him. But no. He wasted all my effort and time. I personally don't like hanging out with people who are out right a fool and like to make themselves a mess. I don't hate them, but I wouldn't want to be friends with them. What I think you can do is that if you decide to stick with her and try to help her, expect the worse of worse, that she turns on you for being good. Sometimes that is just what you get for being good. And that's not your fault. You'd just have to move on, and stay being good.
I unfortunately am in the same position as you but it's worse because it's my own sister, who is blood related to me. Her lifestyle choices are horrible and she has a son who runs over her and gets whatever he wants. Due to her being much different than I, she doesn't talk to me everyday like she used to. We used to be close and best friends but then she changed; she now parties every weekend and cheated on her fiance. The more I realize that maybe it is better off this way, the easier it is.
So, you just have to wake up and realize things are different now. Not easy... oh I know...
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Thank you for your response. I just feel like I wish things were before she had this life. I still love her and will always be there for her but I just don't like these choices. It's really hard watching someone fall. Especially someone you love.
Nothing out of the ordinary from your end of this relationship, keep doing what you do as long as she keeps doing what she does. You obviously care for her, that's why her behavior bothers you. Maybe that's who she's, maybe part of her hates it. You shouldn't feel bad for judging her because it's not actually the kind of judgement that society now hate, it's based on many facts not just by a stereotype or a single behavior. Maybe she'll grow out of it, maybe she won't that's shouldn't really concern you so much. You just need to keep being the good friend you are, until her negative behavior directly affects you, then you should take a stand, maybe do an intervention or break it all off with her. Otherwise you have nothing to worry about.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
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I know you're childhood friends and when you say you will always be there for her, it's because you consider her practically like family. However, I think your relationship is doomed because you've very different morals and value different things. You probably have different IQ too.
I'm pretty sure your friend comes to you when she's in trouble, but secretly or not so secretly thinks you're the party pooper. Commonplace.
You didn't mention it, but I think things would also change when YOU yourself find someone decent who doesn't understand your friendship with someone like that. And if you're worried about her influencing her own daughter, will you let her become an example for your own children? Some behaviours reveal more than "just being young".
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Opinion Owner
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I will add that I've relatives that I don't cut out of my life simply because they're family. I will be there for them in case of need, but I don't respect them nor how they live their lives (running away from responsibilities, not that it's my business), I do not confide in them and I don't expect anything from them.
Honestly, you have two options, accept her lover her and be there for her Or walk away and distance yourself from her I think you want to be in her life, the thing is, we can't control what others do or judge them by how we act or what our preferences are, the fact is we are all entirely different people, with different views and opinions All you can do is accept her as she is, don't try to control or change her, don't feel she should act a certain way... do try advise her to be safe and do love her as she is xx
To you for sure it's not that simple as let her live her life. But really, there isn't much you can do to influence her to change if she really doesn't want to. Something shocking or dramatic or critical or what have you has to happen to her, because of her lifestyle choice right now, for her to wake up and get her head on straight. Because, right now, she doesn't or doesn't want to see the dangers or issues her lifestyle has the potential of having. And since you're so close to her and her family and she isn't listening to you, it will be her that will only listen to her, sorry to say. But you're still being a good friend to her and just keep doing what you're doing.
It's good you recognize the level of judgement you have against her, but speaking the friend who was ambushed by my other friends because they felt like my behavior was too provocative... its not your place to fix what you feel is wrong with her. I get that her behavior bothers you, so since it does, dont spend as much time with her. It's not fair to her to hear your judgements about her lifestyle. She will figure it out one day, it's not your place to make it happen, its hers. You've made your concerns known, not much else to do but limit your exposure to her... you're not doing either of you any favors by doing that.
Being childhood friends doesn't mean you have to stay friends. Maybe you've grown apart? She's turned into someone now that is not the type of friend you want maybe? But you have to "detach". If you find yourself "judging" or thinking about anything to do with her that isn't any of your business, catch yourself and stop the thinking. Think about something else, something to do with YOU, not her. Live and let be in other words. You have no control over her life, so why think about it? If she's not the type of person you want as a friend, that's different.
I had a childhood friend also, and while I still consider him a friend, we have "grown apart" as in we are different people now. So while I still consider him a friend, I don't hang around him as much, or share certain things with him. I've accepted him the way he is and that he's this type of friend to me, and I expect nothing more. I hope that makes sense? lol Hard to explain what I'm trying to say.
She is making bad choices and she will suffer the consequences. You were just trying to give her advice to help her. You can only offer someone advice, whether they choose to take it or not is up to them.
She parties and is promiscuous and already has a kid. It is already very doubtful that she will ever have a good mate/SO because of her past.
Don't waste your time and energy on her. I know it sucks to see someone you were friends with as a kid end up that way, but not everyone will turn out good. If you have other friends maybe try spending more time with them instead.
i am sure there is a reason she is acting this way and so you shouldn't judge her because she will never open up and let you help her figure the reason out. i had a couple friends like that and i was like you and i realized that though i was giving good advice and i wanted them to be happier they felt judged and misunderstood and once i took time to judge them less they gradually opened up to me and i helped them work through emotional things that caused the behavior and that's when it actually started to change.
Hate to sound blunt but reality of it is she is going to do what she wants to do , I agree that her behavior is immature and pathetic but some people just choose to make bad choices and that's the way they choose to live , as a friend all you can do is keep doing what you are doing by telling her it's the wrong thing to do , what's most important is if it is effecting you then you have the right to walk away from the friendship if her actions are making you sick then you're best to just keep your distance and let her hit rock bottom on her own and not bring you down with her , it's ok to remove toxic friends from your life , then when she comes crawling back to you saying you were right the whole time it's up to you if u want her to be part of your life or not but dont beat yourself up over it
Also the fact she is sleeping around all she is doing is setting herself up for disaster , she is most likely going to end up with an STD and when she comes crying to you just say who's fault is that? If I was you I would remove her from my life and find friends that aren't going down a shitty road , you did all you could do as being a friend
Get off your high horse for one second, and look at things from her perspective. If someone hated your behavior and was always telling you that, how would you feel? You really can't do anything to change her, because people only change when they want to. So you're going to have to learn how to let it go and let her bump her head against the wall, it's the only way people learn. Also if you're so worried about her daughter then make sure that you set a good example for her and you teach her better that her mother has done. Parents aren't the ones to give you life, parents are the ones who raise you. With that being said I think you know what you have to do. Best of luck!
Well haven't you thought that her actions are response to pain? Its realy easy to go to parties, get drunk and sleep around. When ur hurt. It may be something so simple for you, but for her it canbe whole world. I would say insted of shaming her, what makes problem even worst. Help her. Take her to ballrom dancing classes, to social events not parties. Show her there's world outside of drinking and parties. Alter all you can only show her a way, rest of way she needs to go by herself. Be friend who pushes her foward not keeps at one place. And bouth of you have fun while doing it ;)
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I know what she's been through, and most of it is because of her own actions. I have tried to take her to other places. But she always says things like "this will be fun if I were high". It's almost like she can't function without weed. When she quits she gets better but then she hangs out with her party friends and all the progress we've made, for lack of better words, is ruined and she reverts back to her party girl life. But she does come to me when she needs help. Taking her to the doctor, help with homework when she's in school, quitting drugs when she needs to find a job, and other stuff.
At the end we hurt ourselfs, by our actions the most. So just keep taking her to other events, if possible events where there are no drugs and alcahol. It won't happen over night nor over month, it can take years to change. One possible way is to give her hobby who is different that her. For me it was japanese language. And trust me im not good at them. Maybe there is something like that for her to. A place where to drown toughts ;)
let her sleep around and learn it the hard way. no use talking her or convincing her. until she either catches some venereal disease or end up with an obsessive crazy abusive partner that abuses her, then harsh reality will finally kick in. and if that's not enough to convince her that she's having self-destructive behavior, then she won't learn anything at all. she better be careful that the person she cheats on isn't the crazy obsessive type where if he can't have her, then no one else will. it would just be better altogether if she stuck with one night stands or maybe even friends with benefits type of relationships which aren't the legit and serious ones.
Girl, i understand your position, all to well unfortunately. From what i have learned in my experience, you can't stop judging her not just because she is your friend (well it's also that) but because of your standards/ideals on how you see life situations or because you are subconsciously envious/jealous of her. So, it's basically up to you to stop and think what makes you to judge her and just accept your friend how she is and understand that she may never see your viewpoint. Until, she's ready to face the reality of her situation.
Like talking to a wall eh? Be lucky you're a woman, a man would get absolutely destroyed telling some THOT to stop being one if she wants her shitty life to improve. I know I stopped giving advice to girls your age. Not like women don't have a million safety nets to fall back on. Compared to the consequences that society protects her from 'not finding a good man' seems rather silly, but to her, it's probably the 'worst thing evarrrrrrr!"
Evaluate your friendship with this person. Hell, do you even like this person? Sounds like a no brainer to me but... i'm an A-hole so...
i understand you deeply but unfortunazely u cannot change another person to act like a responsible adult..
the mass media yells at everyone you should use your looks and freedom to live a full life, even if that means get scrwd in the younger years and then left alone for the rest of ur life. this requires long term thinking, while benefits are all short termed. not mentioning that she ruins an inmocent life completely and unreversably. but media tells "being a single mum rules". yep, if they would sacrifice their life trying to fulfill the two parents roles their life would be completely different, but there's no push to do so. very common and deeply sad phenomenon.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I don't think is terrible to "judge" if you're trying to help her. Sometimes, people go around talking about their problem to everyone except the one they have a problem with and at the end of the day, they've still got a problem. You seem a good friend to me. Considering everything you said, if trying getting to the root of the problem. This will be something you can more easily since you've known her so long and she seems to view you as an older sister or even mother figure who she respects despite your differnces. Generally, a kid makes you slow down but something is making her push forward. You're being a good friend on my opinion.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I personally would not be her friend... she sounds like more trouble than she's worth but I understand how hard it is leaving a toxic long lasting friendship. I suggest distancing yourself from her... she sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and honestly will just bring you down. If you're afraid for her child which... it sounds like you should be... I would call social services. Getting her child taken away or even just the threat of it might be the thing to wake her up and clean up her act. You and especially her child deserve better
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