How to deal with lazy baby daddy?

[Anonymous]

I have tried to get help from my baby’s father and I’m now 8 months. He claims to work and focus on “his plans” but can’t even pay for anything not even diapers. But he expects rights and I’m guessing he’ll show up on her birth day and get all the fame for being a “dad” when he even says he hasn’t done anything the past 8 months. He apologizes, but never makes changes. How can I be the bigger person? This is so frustrating for me to look like the “bad guy” to his side of family when I get mad he sees our baby as a trophy and he claims the dad title when all he did was help make the baby. Please no judgmental comments I already know “it sucks being a single mom” or “should have thought of that before getting pregnant”. Just let me know if you have any advice especially from any men? Thanks

[Anonymous]

You got yourself in this mess, which is apparent since you are saying "my baby daddy" not "my husband". Marriage exists for a reason, and having children out of wedlock is stigmatized for a reason. This sounds harsh, but you need to face reality and admit that you screwed up too (As we get older, we find out that we are not in fact smarter than every generation that came before us). Your best bet is to get him to marry you (better late than never), and start a proper family. He is not going to feel any real obligation being called "baby daddy".

[Asker]

😂 probably the weirdest opinion so far, talking about the mess I’m in doesn’t solve it and no I don’t want to marry him? Lol especially if he acts like a man child. He was a one time short relationship and I ended up getting pregnant. I’m dealing with the consequences I was asking for actual advice not judgment but thanks

[Opinion Owner]

My judgement contains advice in it. Instead of making excuses, feeling sorry for yourself, or being pissed that other people have told you you screwed up you need to admit you made a mistake and set about fixing it. If you do not marry him you are depriving your child of a father and yourself of a stable family. You ought to bring marriage up with him and see if he gets it together.

[Asker]

You must have been raised completely different than how I was because marriage doesn’t seem like the answer to fix his lack of responsibility especially since I ended our relationship because I don’t love him? I thankfully have family support I don’t need a husband. And where did I say I was asking for pity? I don’t feel bad for myself I’m thankful to have a beautiful baby soon and sorry marriage isn’t the answer to his lack of responsibility. We are grown adults I do my part he should do his but I think I got enough advice thank you

[Opinion Owner]

Men do not feel responsible without marriage. If your "family support" was so great you would not be here asking for help.

[Asker]

By family support I mean for my baby to have all the things she needs. Sorry I’m a human who is struggling to make the right decisions for my future and my baby’s future. And no, not all men are the same I don't know where you’re from lol if I had to marry him I would be the most miserable person so I’d rather not. He should be responsible for creating a child just like I am? And my brothers are both unmarried and step up for the children they’ve created and you can’t tell them they are not responsible men just because they’re not married.

[Anonymous]

You need to get child support from him, even if this means taking him to court. This is for the good of the child.

[R_Cakes91]

Just go apply for child support. It looks like he may not try to help you so might as well make him help by law. It takes two to make a person, he can’t run from this.

[Asker]

She is due in April and that is the first thing I plan on doing

[R_Cakes91]

Smart girl

[Asker]

I was thinking if it would be wrong to wait until I get home from hospital with her then he can come meet her? Because he will show up to her birth and take pictures and get glory of the dad title even though he hasn’t done anything during my pregnancy. What do you think about that? I feel like it’s unfair for him to meet her when she’s born and get dad credit when he can meet her later at home and maybe start helping with her

[Asker]

He also plans to leave for the military the month she is born ( he could wait if he wanted to but he says they want him to leave that month but he has not sworn in yet)

[R_Cakes91]

I think you might regret it if he can’t be there for his daughter’s birth.

It’s really his choice how involved he wants to be in her life too. It’s not really your concern when he leaves but I would apply for child support as soon as possible. Hold his to his responsibility, you know? It’s not your fault he’s leaving. But I assure you, he will regret it one day.

[Asker]

The point of him leaving is he said he would be at my house and spend the first month or so with me to help care for her after she is born but now he says he will leave and that’s fine with me but to me it seems like an easy escape for him. But also I will feel bad if I don’t let him be there but he stresses me out with his demands and lack of involvement but she isn’t here yet I’ll see how things go..

[Asker]

Thank you and it’s sad he will regret it I spent months trying to talk to him and open his eyes but he has been doing childish crap like drinking with friends and not working even though he told me he was “focused on working”. I forgive to an extent but I just want him to do what he says he would

[R_Cakes91]

Yeah... unfortunately that’s how immature guys deal with becoming fathers. He’ll probably grow up one day but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

[Asker]

I agree and yeah I have spent months trying to get him to open his eyes and haven’t asked for much but he is so selfish I tell him my struggles and he doesn’t offer any help.. I hope he grows up soon I just want him to be a good dad to her :/ thanks again

[Anonymous]

You can sue him. That'll wake his ass up

Also, he only has to be pay for child support until the kid is 18. After that, good luck

[Laozi]

Take legal action. They'll stop him for you.

[reptocarl]

Why haven’t you got court ordered child support?

[Asker]

My mom has family law degrees and she is going to make sure that will be set up as soon as she is born. She isn’t born yet

[reptocarl]

Excellent. Just wait till then. He’s a deadbeat dad and there’s nothing you can do but legal action

[Asker]

I agree but the frustrating part is he does nothing to help but he demands things like he demands custody, demands to have a say in things like when I change a name in her name, he demands his shitty friends be in her life (his friends disrespect me and wants to fight me), I try to coparent so far but all he has is excuses for things he can’t help with. So I’m annoyed he will get the fame and glory of being a dad but does the least amount of effort to help and I have to be willing to work with him so he can have a relationship with our daughter.

[reptocarl]

No. Get child support, custody and court ordered visitation. You will be granted all three.

[Asker]

Okay my mom works in family law and plans to help me get that all set up. The dad also says he plans to leave for military right after she is born, I said he can choose to wait but he insists they want him to swear in to leave in April.. he told me “I want 50/50 when I come back and if you need child support you can do that” he is so demanding and gives me “permission” to put him on child support

[reptocarl]

It doesn’t work that way. It isn’t up to him it’s up to a judge. I’m a vet. The military doesn’t put up with dead beat dads. If he thinks he can dodge his commitments by being in the service he’s dead wrong.

[Asker]

Yeah I hope he changes.. I don’t even know if he will even go through with the military he hasn’t done anything he says he would so far but hopefully it will straighten him out but I know he’s just trying to run away or work on “his plans” he’s very focused on himself

[reptocarl]

Bullshit. “His plans” are getting out of his responsibility to his child

[Asker]

Yeah that’s why it’s so frustrating because he demands rights but he’s living like he doesn’t even have any responsibilities and he says he doesn’t do more because I “make it seem like I don’t want him around” maybe because his friends disrespect me and he defended them and then all he does is say how he wants things to go. We have an ultrasound coming soon that he was invited to come if he can help pay because it’s not a free doctor visit it’s a $100 3D ultrasound, he said he would help pay now months go by and the ultrasound is soon and he says “I had to spend my money on a court date can you pay for me and I’ll pay you back” yeah hell no it’s expensive I can barely afford it so if he can’t help he doesn’t get to just go because he wants to. He missed the last two with excuses.

[reptocarl]

Stop all communication and take care of yourself the best you can without him. DHS can be a big help and they too will go after him legally

[Asker]

Will do I try to keep contact if it’s only about the baby but he checks on me barely when he feels like it and I feel if he was a caring dad he would want to be more involved. I know he is mad I broke up with him but I wasn’t happy with him.

Thank you for the advice I will probably ignore him now. I have him removed on Facebook and he knows where I live if he wanted to come by. Thanks again and I’ll be sure to take legal action

[reptocarl]

Stick to your guns and good luck

[Asker]

Thank you and I won’t I am open for him to change but I’m not going to baby him like everyone else

[reptocarl]

He won’t change. He doesn’t love or respect you or his child. Take care of yourself and your baby and force him to be responsible legally. Don’t enable him to be a deadbeat dad. We already have too many of those

[Asker]

I agree my own dad was the same.. and it’s hard because my mom is super religious and says to always forgive but that’s not fair to me to keep forgiving him. I tried to be friends and coparent in the beginning but now I think I’ll just be strictly legal and only see him as a person who needs to be held responsible for his part in being a parent also.

[reptocarl]

Now you’re being smart

[Asker]

Thanks again, I don’t have many people if anyone to get opinions and advice on this especially being my first baby

[reptocarl]

I’m telling you take legal action. Don’t listen to anyone else

[Asker]

I will for sure and trust me I felt a first contraction the other day and it hurts way more than I thought it would and it’s just a practice one lol. He demands to be in the room while she is being born and now I know if he is I will either hurt him or make him cry he’s not my favorite person right now 😂

[reptocarl]

You don’t have to allow him

[Asker]

I know that one for sure. I told him he probably will have to wait and come in after she is born and he says “I really want to be there to watch” over and over I’m like no.. I’m gonna be in pain. He also was fighting to having his ghetto friends visit the hospital and one wants to fight me for no reason? She just hates me. And he said “well if my friends can’t go neither can your friends” my friends have no insulted him or been disrespectful so I don’t see why mine can’t go.

[reptocarl]

Again he doesn’t have any say who can visit or not. Stop giving him power. He doesn’t have any. It isn’t up to him. It’s up to you who can or can’t visit. All you have to do is tell the hospital staff

[Asker]

I completely know about that one I don’t plan on letting him have a say when it’s time to give birth, I want to be stress free and try to be calm and just be focused on baby. His friends and family just see me as “the bad guy” so I always feel guilty doing it my way when he wants it another way. But I promise I won’t be letting him have a say in all of that the only thing he can do is try and be involved with our daughter